The Thursday JT-For-All News Report: 04.24.08

Regarding this very column last week…

Assclown has become well known among fans of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) due to wrestler Chris Jericho using it during his promos, especially his “Highlight Reel”.

If it can be found on WIKI!, it is a word. As one of the people who commented said, Chris Jericho would like a word with you… ASSCLOWN.

Because of Small’s no-selling of the word Assclown, he has promptly been fired and so this week you get your boy JT! Okay he’s not really fired, but he is an assclown for texting me 8 hours before this column was due to ask if I could cover this. As if that wasn’t enough, he words is so as to ask me if I’m “interested in the opportunity” to do this. SERIOUSLY? Yes Small, about as “interested” as I’d be in the “opportunity” to shovel milkshakes and hamburgers out a drive-thru window all day. Condescending prick… Your punishment will be me revealing a WrestleMania weekend secret. Small didn’t want any of you to know this kids, but after a few beers at the SportsZone at Universal, he asked me for hooker money….

Wait for it……….

Wait for it……….

Keep waiting….

Keep waiting….

Yes, yes………….

THE “I WANT MY $50 DOLLARS YOU SAID YOU’D PAY ME BACK BY NOW” WHAMMY!!!

By the way Small, did you notice how Larry Csonka has been using sad panda for years? You know the same “sad panda” line Cook used in his teaser for last week and the same line you used to open your news report two weeks ago? Somebody HASN’T been reading the boss recently. A little non-WWE/TNA/ROH news first:

“Roddy Piper claims to have wrestled his final match last friday at a fundraiser promoted by Northeast Wrestling in Newburgh, NY headlined by Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle”

You know, “Just when you think you have all the answers, I CHANGE THE QUESTIONS” is easily one of my all time favorite wrestling quotes. If this news is true then to him I say thanks for the memories. He had a great career and is already in the WWE Hall of Fame so there isn’t much left for him to do. That being said, I obviously have no objections to him popping up now and again and mysteriously finding a microphone in his hand.

Let’s get to it, shall we?

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS (Thursday, April 17th – Wednesday April 23rd)

Somebody not named Keith Olberman takes a shot at JBL!

While most people’s attention was tuned towards JBL and Keith’s little love spat, I was far more entertained by his response to a New York Times article where Dr. Andrew McCullogh, director of sexual health and male infertility at New York University, was quoted as saying that Layfield Energy’s Mamajuana Energy Drink is “marketing hocus pocus.” JBL said the following:

“Dr. Andrew McCullough mentioned that it was “marketing hocus pocus.” What he’s talking about is the original ‘mamajuana,’ which we have nothing to do with … nothing what-so-ever. To me, it was pretty irresponsible for a guy who’s supposed to be a doctor saying something so bogus without knowing what it is.”

“If someone wants the veracity of this, try it. Try to make up your own mind. We have had 100 percent of people who’ve tried it say how great this product is. This doctor doesn’t even look at it. All he does is stick up for his pharmaceuticals. That’s one of my issues with the pharmaceutical industry — they believe pharmacy is a panacea for absolutely everything. They give drugs for everything. We never claimed to be a drug. We never claimed to cure a disease. We never claimed to cure erectile dysfunction.”

“That’s not what Mamajuana is for. This is simply the hottest new product that Layfield Energy has out. It’s to raise your libido, give you a great sex life and that’s all it is for. It’s not meant to put a man on the moon. This doctor claiming this is about as irresponsible as you can claim. I hope he does better research for his institution than what he did before the interview for this article.”

That is why you don’t take shots at someone who cuts promos for a living. Apparently, there are some people out there who think JBL talking about ANYTHING isn’t complete awesomeness. You, sirs and ladies, are out of your mind! In case you weren’t aware, you opinion is not allowed to differ from mine so you must all immediately bow down and agree with me. Don’t believe me? Just check “the official rules of writing for and/or reading anything dealing with the IWC” which can be found in the comments section of any Wrestler Of The Week column.

J.R. Blog # 4,517,823 – A:

“On Joey Styles: Joey Styles told me Monday in catering, no jokes please, that he was really enjoying his new gig at www.wwe.com. Joey seemed to be the most relaxed and comfortable that I have seen him since coming to work at the WWE. Joey has already instituted several changes to the WWE website with plenty more on their way. Joe said he was now a “retired announcer” and budding corporate executive. Styles is looking forward to the OKC RAW on June 30, as he considers himself a connoisseur of “Q” after living in Atlanta, and Joey knows his sauce…J.R.’s Bar-B-Q Sauce that is….and is planning on eating at one of our restaurants while he is in town.”

See, everyone? Less pressure, a nice office in Stamford, no worries about doing something wrong on TV, etc (I am aware he will still do some traveling with the company). From all reports he really IS happy with the change. Stop uproaring. Like JR also said, the old ECW was dead the day it went out of business. Besides, listening to Mike Adamle botch every second thing he says is a most exciting thing going on ECW right now!

“On how Shawn Michaels is being used: Leading into and including Wrestlemania it would seem to me that HBK is utilized very well and is one of the few talents who doesn’t need a title to be considered a major star. With that said, I don’t think we have seen the last of HBK holding gold some day. He’s an amazing talent.”

Completely agreed. Shawn has been on a roll really the last eighteen months or so and him having or not having a title has absolutely nothing to do with it. I like many would love to see one last reign for him, but it seems like that window is closing.

“On the futures of Kennedy and Finlay: I see Kennedy as a title holder in the future. His career path is still being developed, but he has a noticeable upside. Finlay is amongst the last of a dying breed. A man’s man who can wrestle with anyone and provide a great match. Titles for Finlay? Why not?”

Okay let’s be honest here. The WWE is never going to put a major title on Finley. Kennedy probably someday, but won’t it be fun to see how many pushes he can ruin on his way there?

“On if Sting is the greatest wrestler to not wrestle for WWE: I think a good argument could be made for Sting. I am sure that there are others but Sting is definitely on the list of which you speak.”

Unless I’m drawing an utter blank, Sting is easily the greatest wrestler to not wrestle for WWE if we’re talking guys that have been around as long as he has. I don’t want to hear about how Samoa Joe is on that list; we’re talking about legends here.

www.thefakemyspaceforwrestlingfans.com

“WWE’s social networking site is now up and running at http://fans.wwe.com.”

Okay so I haven’t been able to head over and check it out but from what I’ve heard if nothing else it will make for some golden comedy. From what I understand, the names alone are already drawing laughs and numerous people have taken it upon themselves to create an account and post strictly as gimmick posters, specifically wrestlers. Good times.

Queerin’ while picking on kids don’t make the world work…

“On June 25th 2008 in Barcelona, after a 12 year absence from the ring, The Ultimate Warrior will officially make his wrestling comeback in a match against Jordan. The news was confirmed this morning by Warrior’s agent, Bernie Gernay in a statement.”

When reached for comment, Warrior Warrior Warrior had this to say:

Warrior Warrior Warrior: RROOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

He then broke into a session of drawing power from the Gods and air rope-shaking. It creeped me out a little, so I refrained from further questioning and left.

Uh… you wanna put what where???

“WWE is considering Universal Studios in Orlando as a potential location for the physical WWE Hall of Fame. Of course, TNA tapes Impact there already.”

This seems like a bit of a double-edged sword to me. For the WWE Financial Dept., this is a no-brainer. Universal Studios is one of the most visited tourist attractions in the entire country. You know they will charge admission, and make sure that you have to walk through a massive WWE store in order to get out. So money wise this makes a ton of sense and I have no doubt that the venture would be a financial success. However if you build it there, you are INVITING millions of your fans who either don’t know about or care about TNA into their backyard. You are bound to expose their product to a percentage of your currently unaware fanbase and I just don’t understand why Vince would want to do that. Does he really think TNA is THAT much of a non-factor? Did Dixie sign Vince to her “Cross The Line” campaign?

Found this to be a funny newsbit prior to RAW:

“WWE had an independent wrestler from North Carolina set to play Barack Obama on RAW tonight and he was told that there would be Bill and Hillary Clinton characters too. All of that is likely off now since WWE was able to get taped segments from the real Obama and Hillary Clinton.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA it’s like the Observer doesn’t know Vince at all!

I’m not touching this…

“There has been a directive to up the involvement of African Americans on WWE TV. The marketing department has noted a downturn in African American viewing since 2006, and over the last year the company has lost the Boogey Man (injury) Monty Brown, Booker T, Sharmell, Krystal Marshall and Bobby Lashley. Shelton Benjamin, Elijah Burke, Mark Henry, Teddy Long, Kofi Kingston and Big Daddy V remain, although BDV is out and has been directed to lose 50lbs for health reasons. Many feel this is why Cryme Tyme was brought back. There was actually a big fight to get Kofi Kingston on ECW, as the higher ups in creative were negative on him, but due to the directive, he got the spot. Shelton Benjamin was moved to ECW initially because Dusty Rhodes really liked him and he was slotted to win the ECW Title. His push was halted, and Chavo Guerrero got the title. Benjamin was to be part of a trade, with Elijah Burke moving to Raw. Brian Gewirtz never had any ideas for him and Stephanie McMahon eventually just vetoed the trade, and only moved Benjamin.”

……..seriously. Not touching it with an African American guy’s dick…

NON-WELLNESS! Related Suspension…

“WWE has suspended creative team member Michael Hayes. The reason for the suspension is because Hayes apparently made an explicitly insulting comment towards Smackdown star Mark Henry during WrestleMania week in Florida. WWE tried to keep the suspension quiet by telling people Hayes was away on vacation, but word spread within the company over the weekend that he was serving a suspension. Hayes has been with WWE for a very long time and is the head writer for Smackdown.”

I’m going to guess that if this were one of numerous other writers not named Michael Hayes, they may very well have been fired. I base this on the specific wording of “explicitly insulting”. I have to wonder about Hayes here though. Mark Henry was about the least important wrestler at WrestleMania, what was the beef? This is one of those things that will probably never come out, but whatever it was this was probably the best call. Not only does it discipline Hayes, but it also gives him and Henry some time away from each other. Time to cool off if you will, because Mark Henry was also one of the largest wrestlers at WrestleMania.

NEWS FROM O-TOWN (Thursday, April 17th – Wednesday, April 23rd)

Up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, START!

“IGN reports that the TNA Impact video game has been pushed back to a September release.”

I have seen and played this game, sucks to be all of you. My thoughts pretty much mimic those found in JP’s review of the game in question.

On the road again.

“4/28 TNA Impact taping in Orlando, FL (free event)
4/29 TNA Impact taping in Orlando, FL (free event)
5/8 in Barre, VT at The Barre Auditorium
5/9 in Derby, VT at the IROC Coliseum
5/10 in Plattsburgh, NY at the Crete Civic Center
5/11 Sacrifice PPV in Orlando, FL (free event)
5/12 TNA Impact taping in Orlando, FL (free event)
5/13 TNA Impact taping in Orlando, FL (free event)
5/16 in Binghamton, NY at the Broome County Veterans Arena
5/17 in Poughkeepsie, NY at the Mid-Hudson Civic Center
5/18 in Wallingford, CT at the Chevrolet Theatre
6/6 in Poplar, Missouri at The Black River Coliseum
6/8 Slammiversary in Southaven, MS
6/9 TNA Impact taping in Orlando, FL (free event)
6/10 TNA Impact taping in Orlando, FL (free taping)
6/12 in Liverpool, UK at the Liverpool Olympia
6/13 in Liverpool, UK at the Liverpool Olympia
6/14 in Coventry, UK at the Skydome
6/15 in Essex, UK at the Bretwood Center”

This is great news for TNA as they are running more and more shows away from the iMPACT zone. They struggled early with their house shows but luckily someone realized they were shooting for too much too soon. The began choosing smaller venues which is not only cost-efficient but eliminates the number of unsold tickets because while they can’t fill 8 – 10 thousand yet, they haven’t had a lot of trouble with the 1 – 2 thousand targets. Their overseas trips have reportedly been a success as well so good to see them heading back.

NEWS FROM BRISTOL, PA (Thursday, April 17th – Wednesday, April 23rd)

That’s right kids, I don’t ignore the little fed that could like Small does.

What you talkin aboot?

“Ring of Honor has announced their Canadian debut. They will have a show in the Toronto area on 7/25. The show was announced tonight during ROH’s event in Detroit.”

Okay, the joke is too easy. I leave that to you. On a serious note though this is not a bad thing for ROH. Part of the problem in the buys they got in Canada are due to the fact that only about 3% of the general wrestling public in Canada could name two guys on the roster. They do not have a clue who these guys are or what the product is like. This will begin to get them out there a little bit more and try to increase Canadian fans. ROH also wants you to know that while they will be doing a show there on that day, it has yet to be officially announced.

Shake up in the tag ranks?

“Half of the ROH World Tag Team Champions Mark Briscoe was seriously injured last Saturday night in Chicago by The Age Of The Fall. Briscoe will need surgery and is expected to miss a significant amount of time. The status of the ROH World Tag Team Titles is currently being determined by ROH officials.”

ROH immediately spiced a little kayfabe onto this, causing a plethora of WWE fans to jump to conclusions and shit all over the fed. Nice. I’m guessing a decision will not be made regarding the titles until they have an exact timetable on how long he’ll be gone.

UPDATE: “ROH and Mark Briscoe were originally hoping that he could have his wrist surgery after the 5/10 show, but he will now have to have it before. Jay Briscoe will face Jimmy Jacobs on 5/9 at ROH’s Manassas, VA show and Briscoe vs. AOTF in some form, possibly with Austin Aries involved, is likely for the 5/10 show as well.”

Well, I guess we’ll find out then what direction they may be heading in.

UPDATE 2: “ROH officials decided that it was unfair to strip Jay Briscoe of the titles. After exploring several different possibilities, it has been decided that Jay will be able to pick a replacement partner and continue to defend the belts.

The next ROH World Tag Team Title Match will take place on 5/10 at the Hammerstein Ballroom in Manhattan, NY when Jay Briscoe and a partner defend against The Age Of The Fall team of Jimmy Jacobs & Tyler Black.”

And there you have it. SEE PEOPLE YOU GET THE WHOLE STORY WITH JT! His partner will be Austin Aries. Jacobs and Black should so win the belts here, giving Mark the motivation he needs to get healthy, get back to action, and then along with his brother go onto their sixth title reign. It writes itself.

I can’t really think of a title…

“There are not any plans from ROH to use TNA talent at this time. The door is not shut, but as of now there are no plans to follow up on the appearances of Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley.”

This makes sense to me. I understand once in a while maybe having someone for a major show, but for now they need to focus on their own talent. They need their guys to be the familiar faces of ROH, not use familiar faces of ROH past. Use your own talent long enough, and they become the draw.

BEFORE WE GO!

“Rob Van Dam’s wife has been diagnosed with colon cancer. He posted the following message on his MySpage blog.”

One good thing about spreading positive energy and encouraging an optimistic approach to life- when it comes time to get a taste of my own medicine, it’s good. Still, it may not be fun to be put to the test. It may be quite unpleasant.

After thinking of several ways to put this, I decided to give it to you straight- just like we got it. After months of chasing down the origin of stomach cramps, we got the news that Sonya has cancer in her colon. Obviously, this was not something we wanted to hear, and were not at all prepared for it. This is the kind of thing that we hear about happening to other people. Us? Really?

I’m sure that a lot of you realize that cancer is way too common. In fact, I know that many of you are all too familiar with what we are experiencing.

This is very personal and I understand if you would choose to keep it on the down-low. One of Sonya’s first thoughts was that if she could have colon cancer (being a 32 year old, lean, active, and healthy eating female that barely hits 3 digits on the weight scale), “We need to tell everyone it could be them!”

Months of testing showed nothing of this nature. The blood tests and everything else they did could not detect the cancer until the dreaded colonoscopy. Sonya wants everyone to know that you HAVE to get checked. We found a huge research center where we are getting this taken care of. They have a lot of information about the subject, in case you might be searching City of Hope.

Keep in mind, this is curable and Sonya has surgery scheduled for the end of the week to get this thing taken out. We’re totally kicking its ass. We got this.

We know that we have a lot of people praying and sending positive energy, and we appreciate it. Keep it up. And don’t tell Sonya’s dad, if you know him. We’ll do it when the time is right.

This will soon be a thing of the past. Sonya is amazingly strong and ready to fight. This will be a squash match!

Anyone wondering what we’re up to…it’s this. Nothing else matters.

I’ll update you soon.

Take care of yourselves.

Enjoy life.

RVD”

Cancer is serious business, we all know that. I’ve been fortunate enough to not really have an immediate family member fall victim to this awful (but beatable) disease sans a very, very temporary scare with my father a couple of years ago. I’m sure RVD will keep the world updated, so for now I will simply say I wish the absolute best to Sonya in her upcoming battle. Thoughts and prayers to RVD, his wife, and their entire family.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

– Bayani is in later today. Check out the hot Asian pic. …oh, right; I’m sure he wrote something, too.

– Meehan and the 4 R’s are in on Friday.

– Backlash Roundtable on Saturday.

This is the part where Jeff Small tells you that he’s Jeff Small and you’re not. I’m not an Assclown like he is so rather, have a good weekend all!