The Wrestling 5 & 1 04.25.10: The Official Debut Edition

BACK IN ACTION
Hello everyone and welcome to the BRAND SPANKIN’ NEW Wrestling 5 & 1!!!

I am your host Ryan Merholz, long-time fan, long-time reader, sometime writer – and I am finally back on 411!

Some of you might remember my column “Worth Your Wealth” from a year or so back (more on that later), but I have returned to 411 to take up this weekly column at the behest of THE BOSS Larry Csonka.

Here’s hoping I do the guy justice…

Oh and by the way – do you like wrestling AND twitter AND me? Follow me on Twitter!

www.twitter.com/411RyanMerholz

Learn cool things about me maybe, and at the very least, stock up on real life wrestlers to follow yourself!

Probably follow the rest of the fine 411 Twitter feeds as well…

http://www.twitter.com/411mania
http://www.twitter.com/411wrestling
http://www.twitter.com/411moviestv
http://www.twitter.com/411music
http://www.twitter.com/411games
http://www.twitter.com/411mma

Alright, let’s get this show on the road!

WHO SAID WHAT?

Earlier this week, Good Ol’ JR took to his weekly blog and finally gave some details as to his contract status other than “NO! NO! NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! IM NOT TELLING!”.

Yes, I have included a BBQ sauce plug.

He posted the following:

“Expect to hear from WWE regarding my next assignment w/ them in a day or two. Contrary to what is being carelessly reported, WWE is still my top priority as it relates to wrestling gigs.

Amazed at the amount of inaccurate info regarding my future. Can only say that my future is bright, that I’m very happy, and looking forward to an interesting next few days.

When something is finalized I will accurately report it. Until then, be leery of all the nonsense that you read on line. Many interesting, high road projects are being presented to me of which I’ve previously discussed. Nothing is a done deal. I’m merely listening to some of them. Many projects that the internet are reporting are completely false. You can believe that or not. Whatever I decide to do will be things that are classy, fun and things that I have been wanting to become involved with.

Right now I’m enjoying a special week for my wife and me and hoping to sell some JR’s products to you here on line.

Now the conspiracy theorists can go back to work. Have a great day because we certainly are. Thanks.”

I, for one, am thrilled to hear some sort of confirmation that JR is close to a return to WWE. Hopefully he’ll be doing some announcing amidst all of these exciting new opportunities, because the commentary teams really need some sprucing up.

Say, there’s a draft on Monday, maybe we can ship Cole back to Smackdown! for a while and make some room back on Monday nights for Ross. Yeah, it’s doubtful, I know. Regardless, I’d at least love to see JR back for PPVs, none of the current guys even come close to selling a main event like he can.

VS.

Last week, Larry pitted the three (then) ladies champions from WWE and TNA against each other. No clue who the numbers favored, but from reading the comments it definitely looked like WWE Diva’s Champion Eve Torres was quite a bit ahead of Women’s Champion Michelle McCool and Knockouts Champion Angelina Love (who lost her title in equally stupid fashion to when she won it). In lieu of a clear cut winner, how about we all agree we wouldn’t send any of them home early and leave it at that?

This week we’re going the old-fashioned route with a 1-on-1 match-up, and these ladies are on the rebound, so to speak. Just the way I like ‘em…

Mickie James VS. Katie Lea

VOTE IN YOUR COMMENT!

WRESTLING TWITTER-A-GO-GO

Yep, wrestlers tweet stuff too! Sometimes about their lives and what they enjoy. Here’s my personal highlight of the week, from Mr. Ken Anderson:

Just ordered a grilled chicken double down sandwich at KFC with no mayo and was told that they had to put the mayo on it. Hence, the reason that person will work at KFC for the rest of her life. This is as good as it gets. Unbelievable. The manager finally agreed to leave it off. Way to think outside the box!!!

Does the thing even have mayo? All the commercials I see just say it has “sauce,” which definitely adds to the allure.

Coming down the other side of the mountain is Matt Hardy, who has taken to Twitter to comment on his current rival, Drew McIntyre:

“I hate him, I really do.”

“The reason I hate Drew is cuz he’s been given everything without workin’ for it.. While I’ve busted my ass for EVERYTHING I’ve ever earned!”

“And to earn everything I that I’ve have, I’ve sacrificed & destroyed my body.. That’s why I actually respect Edge-cuz he’s done the same.”

While I’m not the biggest Hardy fan (less for his ring work, more for his endless cyber-self-promotion), I gotta say the dude has a point here. Working the smarks or not, Hardy pretty much nailed McIntyre as far as I’m concerned. Maybe eventually the rest of us will get to actually see why Vince thinks the guy is so great, but when your entrance music is the best thing about you, you really shouldn’t be anywhere near regular TV time.

5 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT…JACK SWAGGER

In honor of our newly crowned World Heavyweight Champion and his first official title defense tonight at Extreme Rules, here’s some fun trivia about The All-American American.

1. In addition to being the record-holder for the most pins in a single season as an All-American wrestler for the University of Oklahoma, Swagger also played second string defensive tackle behind current NFL players Tommie Harris and Dusty Dvoracek.

2. Swagger won his debut match in Ohio Valley Wrestling by defeating Atlas DaBone, aka Ricky Ortiz. Probably because he can actually wrestle.

3. Swagger was ranked #18 of the PWI Top 500 singles wrestlers in 2009

4. His entrance theme, “Get On Your Knees”, is performed by tribute band “Age Against the Machine”. Guess what band they play in tribute of and win yourself a shiny, new “DUHHHHH”.

5. He makes a pretty snappy Uncle Sam

VIDEO A-GO-GO

Really could I have chosen anything other than this?

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Tonight is WWE Extreme Rules, featuring lots of zany stipulation matches like Last Man Standing, Hair vs. Nothing, and…well…Extreme Rules! Time now to take a look at the card in…

The Triumphant Whether-You-Like-it-or-Not Return of…

First, as always, we start off with our super-scientific formula for calculating the projected worth of each part of the show. Keep in mind I round things to the nearest nickel, so as not to piss myself off. Oh, and for the purposes of this column, I don’t have HD and neither do you.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

P = 2(A)x + 1.5(B)x + 1(C)x + 0.1(P)

Ten-percent of the PPV price accounts for non-wrestling related activities, such as in-ring promos, backstage segments, video packages, etc. Aside from that, A B and C represent the different classes of matches on the card:

Class C: Filler matches with little to no solid build behind them.
Class B: Secondary, but still significant matches that were well-promoted prior to the show.
Class A: The main event, as well as other high-profile, heavily promoted matches on the card, usually involving the major titles.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

The Breakdown (as I see it):

Class C: Michelle McCool vs. Beth Phoenix, JTG vs. Shad Gaspard

Class B: Edge vs. Chris Jericho, Triple H vs. Sheamus, Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk

Class A: John Cena vs. Batista, Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton

The Calculation (as the universe sees it):

45 = 2(2)x + 1.5(3)x + 1(2)x + 0.1(45)
45 = 4x + 4.5x + 2x + 4.5
40.5 = 10.5x
x = 3.85

The Result (as you will see it):

Class A: $7.70
Class B: $5.78
Class C: $3.85

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

So how does the show shape up?

“Extreme Makeover” WWE Women’s Championship: Michelle McCool (c) vs. Beth Phoenix

They gave the match a gimmick apparently, but nobody knows what the hell it means. Regardlress, odds are we’re talking three minutes or less. Let’s say Beth Phoenix picks up the title, cuz why not?

Price Tag: $3.85

Strap Match: JTG vs. Shad Gaspard

Probably the match on the card nobody asked to see, JTG and Shad are actually getting some PPV air for the feud nobody cares about. I think its pretty much agreed that JTG is the better half of this former team, but the stipulation and Vince’s boner both seem to favor Shad Gaspard to take this one home.

On the bright side, if the heel wins here, we can expect a follow-up next month! Or if there is a God, Shad goes to RAW in the draft and that’s that.

Price Tag: $3.85

Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk: If Punk loses, he loses his hair

Potential match of the night right here, in my opinion. I was a little disappointed with their Wresltemania match given it felt a bit short, though it was still entertaining. Hopefully they saved the better stuff for this round.
Having the whole “hair” match is kind of pointless if there’s no shaving at the end of the day, but I really don’t see Punk dropping two straight to Rey on PPV at this point. After all, we had a one-way stipulation at Wrestlemania that didn’t come to fruition either.

Besides, Punk’s gimmick would be seriously cheapened if he lost his dirty hobo Jesus hair. CM Punk takes this one.

Price Tag: $5.78

Street Fight: Triple H vs. Sheamus

Sheamus had a very good showing at Wrestlemania and has been kind of bitched out in the weeks since then. This makes me think Triple H is going to give him the win back here in what should be a really interesting match given the stipulation and the men involved.
If Sheamus somehow doesn’t pick up the win here, we can consider him essentially done.

Price Tag: $5.78

Steel Cage Match: Edge vs. Chris Jericho

Edge + Jericho = money.

This match should be all kinds of awesome and, I would guess, even up the feud between these two.
I’m thinking we’re going to see Swagger officially end up on Smackdown! Following the draft, which means he’s going to need a face challenger for the title – and Jericho ain’t one.

As much as I’d like to see the Rated-R Superstar return to his heelish ways sooner than later, I’m thinking Edge picks up the win here to settle the score with Jericho and then moves on to Swagger and the World Heavyweight Championship.

Price Tag: $5.78

Extreme Rules for the World Heavyweight Championship: Jack swagger (c) vs. Randy Orton

Jobbing Swagger here after he’s dropped a pair of matches to Orton, laid down in an great TV match against the Undertaker, and then dropped a clean pin to John Morrison would pretty much kill any credibility he’s built thus far. He deserves a bit more of a run with the ball and I think they’ve been building him up for a win here against Randall K Orton, Esq.

Orton won’t lose a step in a loss here and Swagger really needs the big PPV victory to legitimize himself as the champion. Jack Swagger picks up the win here or I eat my hat. If I wore a hat.

Price Tag: $7.70

Last Man Standing for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. Batista

I really don’t see this feud needing to continue another month. They’ve built up the Last Man Standing angle so much by pointing out Batista can’t tap out here so Cena can’t beat him. But oh wait, he’s John Cena, so he probably can find a way.

Batista’s stock seems to be falling recently, if reports are correct (more on that below), so I’m not sure they’re going to be keen on giving him the strap until it becomes more clear whether or not he’ll be sticking around.
This match should be a really nice brawl between these two, and I’m surprisingly optimistic given their outing at Wrestlemania, but I say Batista comes up short again and John Cena closes the show as WWE Champion.

Price Tag: $7.70

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

So will the show be worth it? Even if you’re not plunking down the cash tonight, I sure as hell am! Come back next week and check out whether or not my money was well spent!

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Alright kids, tuck in with a snack because it’s time now for the legit Wrestling 5 & 1, that’s 5 tasty tidbits of news from this week, & 1 smokin’ hottie to send you all home happy!

John versus the Volcano

The big news this week, to both the wrestling world and everyone else, was the eruption of a volcano in Iceland which shut down air travel in most of Europe for close to a week. I’d tell you the name of the volcano but I can’t even get the spelling close enough to Google the proper spelling, you’ll survive.

Artist’s rendering of the perpetrator

As we all saw on this past week’s RAW, WWE was hit pretty hard by this development, going so far as to pull The Great Khali out of retirement after a measly two weeks to find things to fill the show! We did get some Chris Jericho back on RAW too, though, and I can’t argue with that.

Ever the valiant hero, John Cena appeared via satellite in direct defiance of the volcano and its funny business to issue a sincere assurance that everyone was safe and sound and then go absolutely ape-shit 30 seconds later talking about Batista. Good to see the time change and lack of legitimate sleeping quarters had no effect on Cena’s ability to work both extremes of emotion while skipping the medium entirely.

Meanwhile, Sheamus did not show the same resolve, as his apparent onset of cabin fever drove him to viciously attack innocent production staff on the set. Could have happened to anybody, don’t read too much into it.

Anyway, the RAW crew is finally back safe and sound in the US, as evidenced by about a gazillion tweets and even a video of them getting off the plane.

Spoiler Alert! Evan Bourne wears glasses.

Spring Cleaning in Stanford

Without ECW around to serve as the demotion show anymore, WWE.com announced the release of a whole slew of superstars this week just before the big draft – some of which were quite surprising indeed. Here’s the full list:
• Shelton Benjamin
• Mike Knox
• Kung Fu Naki
• Slam Master J
• Jimmy Wang Yang
• Mickie James
• Katie Lea Burchill

Wait, I’ve been WHAT, now?

Of all of these, most are not surprising. Funaki, I don’t think, has been seen more than once on television since receiving his gimmick change (though his theme on WWE The Music Vol 9 was pretty slick). Slam Master J? Ditto. Jimmy Wang Yang? He’s fared a bit better but never really got going past his entertaining tag-team with the equally directionless Shannon Moore. Really the only one that isn’t surprising but is still a bit disappointing is Mike Knox. The guy had some legit skill for a big man and even at one point was trying to develop a unique “master of anatomy” gimmick. I kinda dug him, but c’est la vie.

Mickie and Shelton though? Daaaaaaayum! Shelton is probably the biggest shock. While he’s never truly been given the ball, the guy was consistently entertaining in his matches and could always be counted on to deliver some nice high spots (always, 75% of the time, same difference). I’d be surprised if he didn’t find his way to TNA sooner or later, especially if his mama has anything to say about it!

And Mickie – apparently her third strike was missing the bus? I can’t really blame the ‘E honestly. If I was stuck on a bus all over Europe due to a volcano no-selling my schedule, I’d want to get on and get the hell off that thing as soon as possible too. Best of luck Mickie, sorry you never did better than your first angle with the company. Say hi to Tara!

Rumors have also been circling that Matt Hardy might soon be on his way out the door. He apparently is legit hurt and has been posting ominous tweets as of late. If tweets can be seriously considered ominous.

I’ve seen many fans comments over the last week hoping for his release and emergence in TNA alongside his brother Jeff, but come on people. Matt has to know full well by now that he’s never going to reach the level Jeff has, so he really wouldn’t be any better off in TNA than he is in WWE. He’d still be a mid-card guy who’s biggest fan is himself, can put on a good match but is lacking in mic skills, and still tweeting about how hard he works and how he never gets what he deserves.

The only difference is that he’d be making less money.

Not to mention the ‘E probably doesn’t want to risk even a short-term Hardy Boyz reunion outside the castle walls, and he’s kinda tied up with one of the more promising prospects on NXT at present.

If you ask me, Matt is staying right where he is and is just trying to milk some more compassion from all those tween ladies who swoon for him on twitter.

Dave Batista is a Sad Panda

Reports indicate that The Animal has his grotesquely bulging chest veins in a knot over the fact that his good pal and mentor Triple H was brought on to replace him in the lead role of WWE Films upcoming project Killing Karma. Big Dave is pretty bummed about the switcheroo as he knows full well that the sun is setting on his wrestling career and is really hoping to make the transition to film. Looks like that promo about being jealous of Cena was a bit more true to life than he’d like us to believe eh?

If you haven’t seen it yet, and shame on you, check out Ryan Byers’ commentary in this weeks Wrestling Fact or Fiction for about a thousand reasons why Big Dave has no room to bitch.

Honestly if this does piss Batista off to the point that he doesn’t resign in a few months, is that really much of a loss? He’s roughly split his time the last few years between injuries and active competition, he’s getting along in years (and certainly is not Shawn Michaels or The Undertaker), and honestly isn’t all that great in the ring anyhow. When you only have entertaining matches against the company’s top draws and nobody else, that’s not saying a lot about the talent on your side of the ring.

Late-breaking news is now suggesting that Batista may be wrapping up his tenure with WWE as early as this week. WWE seems to have made the right call by replacing him in the film due to his contract status, but are we to believe this was the final straw that caused Batista to want to get out of town even sooner? If this is the case, Batista might need to look at the bigger picture than simply viewing this as a personal attack against him from the company. Whether or not the decision to replace him was fueled by emotion, the fact remains that it was an undeniably smart move for WWE from a professional standpoint.

If Batista is done with WWE, the big question becomes, “when will he appear in TNA?” Sadly I’m sure we’ll see him creep up when his no-compete expires, as he’s likely to be sore at the ‘E for the circumstances of his departure and he knows it would yield a decent payday.

While this might be a good deal for Batista, I have to feel like its a bad one for TNA. Bringing in Batista would be yet another message to the company roster and the fans alike that only WWE castoffs should expect success in the company. You can bank on the fact that Batista wouldn’t be feuding with the likes of Eric Young or Rob Terry – he’d likely immediately be thrust into the whole Flair/Hogan debacle, or even immediately the TNA title picture. Either way, we’re looking at a further-bloated main-event in TNA which features a scant few original TNA talents struggling to find a place amongst guys who made their names in WCW and WWE.

Hopefully if Batista is done with WWE, TNA will turn out the lights and wait for him to pass on by. I wouldn’t count on it, though.

Bitches Be Trippin’. (and Fallin’ Down. and Goin’ Boom.)

Rough week for the TNA Knockout’s division as both Angelina Love and Daffney (

Daffney took a rough landing in a sit-out powerbomb from a local talent at a house show and had to be stretchered out of the ring. Luckily the injuries weren’t as serious as initially expected – she suffered a nasty stinger and bruised sternum – so hopefully she’ll be back soon.

Angelina, meanwhile, got her arm locked up in Tara’s knee brace, resulting in a partially torn bicep and a torn elbow ligament. She won’t need surgery but none of that sentence sounded fun regardless.

Here’s hoping both a speedy recovery and return to action, because every week lost in the TNA Knockout’s Division is another missed opportunity to win the championship without defeating or even wrestling the current champion.

Mark Henry Begrudgingly Signs Autographs, Readily Willing to Split Wigs

It seems that the Worlds Strongest Man may have gotten himself into some trouble during the recent WWE tour of Europe. Apparently he had some sort of confrontation with a fan in Belfast that nearly ended up getting physical.

Henry reportedly was calling the fan “a little punk bitch” and things nearly got physical before John Cena and Randy Orton calmed him down. Reports indicated that Chavo Guererro was egging Henry on, but Chavo (via Twitter) says “EH EH!”:

“why would I egg on the worlds strongest man?I know&u know he would could kill someone.If anything I protected him by getting him thrown out”

“Any other questions? If u don’t believe me, then follow the lying fan,not me! Why would the drunk fan get thrown out& not Henry?C’mon ppl!”

“Thank u to all ppl who believe me!If I could get Henry to kill someone,Why wouldn’t I have him kill the writing team,not a drunk nobody? lol”

Now obviously I wasn’t there and have no clue what actually happened, but Chavo does make a good point. If Henry was the guy acting all belligerent, he probably would have been tossed along with the fan. Not to mention I’ve read constant reports over the years that Mizzark is pretty much the nicest guy on the WWE roster, I’m having kind of a hard time believing he was trying to beat the shit out of a fan over an autograph.

Does it look like I think you’re a brigand, sir?

Complete speculation on my part, but I’m willing to give Henry the benefit of the doubt on this one.

Your thoughts?

This weeks &1 is one of my absolute favorites on television right now. She’s a regular on the hilarious NBC show Community and also has guest-starred on Mad Men, she is…

Allison Brie

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

That’s the end of the line for this week, campers!

Be sure to check back next week for more nuggets of joy, new news, more hotties, and the Worth Your Wealth review of Extreme Rules!

And please post your comments below! I’m really excited to hear the initial feedback on the new column, hope everybody found at least something in here to enjoy.

Until next time…

Come on down…and submit those comments!