wrestling / TV Reports
VIOLENT PANDA Weekly Review 08.15.06
Look, I just can’t do Impact this week. That show is just so… nothing. I reviewed yesterday’s PPV, that’s enough right? Check it out here.
Speaking of Impact.. funny how the ratings have flattened and sunk steadily since Jarrett won the belt, huh? Keep it up TNA fans! It’s the only way they’ll learn (even then, they probably won’t, sadly).
Also, I just picked up the new Muse album, Black Holes & Revelations. I dunno what kind of music you readers like, but if you are into overblown rock madness, check out the first and last track of this thing.
My dream 2006 commentary team.. JR and Don f’ing West. West rocked it at the PPV last night. His naturally positive attitude would probably lift JR’s spirits, I’d wager.
We are LAHV at the University of Virginia, on the road to the 19th Summerslam in WWE history. JR and King say that WWE.com have some sketchy info on Edge… huh?
Edge and Lita hit the ring. “Cena” chant. Edge says he’ll be defending his belt against Carlito tonight?!? JR soon after corrects him – it’s a non-title affair. Edge introduces a clip. In it, we see Edge walking through the house Cena grew up in. His closet is full of old school jerseys hahaha. And Edge is shocked to see wrestling boots in there, seeing as.. well, you know.
It appears that this was filmed intended to be a segment on its’ own, but I guess it was too weak or something as Edge in the ring talks over Edge in the video. Edge eventually ran into John’s dad in the house. Words were exchanged… Edge slaps Mr. Cena, and Mr. Cena sells the SHIT out it – doing a 180 fall and bouncing off the couch to the floor. WWE likes the sell so much they replay the hell out of it. Edge continues to talk, and the cameramen frantically try to find and then point out adults booing Edge or cheering Cena.
Mickie vs. Lita is next? Hot damn!!
What is it about the WWE? Why is it that TNA is so forgettable and Raw usually has a “big event feel”? I think it’s because the ‘E really genuinely tries to give you something every time out. It really does seem like the WWE tries to give you a big moment every single show.
Women’s Title Match – Lita vs. Mickie James©:
– Lita hits a slow satellite headscissors. Lita goes for a screwy one-handed monkey flip, Mickie cartwheels to escape. Crowd is LOVING Mickie here. Crowd heat is great. Mickie goes up top, Lita with a nasty hairpull that sends Mickie flipping to the mat. Ouch!
– Sign: “Live TV = No Khali” hahaha!
– Crowd rallies behind Mickie BIG TIME as she throws punches. Lita cuts that off and cinches in your WWE heat-lock of the match. It works great, as the crowd claps like crazy for the Mickster. Micke does a beautiful flip escape of the submission and hits a kick.
– And there’s the clutch… CROTCH RANA! Crowd always loves that thing. Lita’s sell is sluggish. Lita wants to twist fate, Mickie blocks by holding the rope. Mickie goes for a rope-assisted pin, Edge knocks her foot off the rope and Lita kicks. Mickie goes for a BEAUTIFUL! Bridging pin! Only two! The dragon pin, many lesser men have made that look like crap.
– Edge distracts.. Lita belt shot! Lita wins..!
For the WWE women’s, this was very good. What’s really nice to know is that Lita was off her game tonight, and they still had one of the better “diva” matches of the year. As for the result, as long as this doesn’t result in a Mickie de-push, I’m all for it. Since Lita and Trish are leaving the WWE, it could be that they’re going to have Mickie go over Trish for #1 contendership and then beat Lita to regain the belt, elevating Mickie and sending both ladies off with a final big match.
Winner: Lita
Ad for Summerslam. It’s this Sunday?! The theme is by a band with a great name: Teddybears Cobrastyle. Heh heh.
The Diva Search finale is a one hour show this Wednesday. That’s right after the WWE Classics show. I’ll try to remember to watch and review it.
Mick Foley’s in the back. He congratulates Lita. Mick’s got some grey patches in his beard, I think it actually looks good. Mick goes off on another slightly-forced emotional rant. He points out that in 10 years, he’s bled four times. Ric bleeds all the freaking time. Apparently this I Quit match is going to be just buckets of blood from the way they’re talking. Barbed wire two by four and thumbtacks, hopefully! Mick says he will be on ECW tomorrow! A reason to watch! And invites Ric to be there. Awesome.
Apparently the ‘E is going to have an ECW show after Raw on 9/11. Do they think the MSG crowd will react any differently than the Hammerstein? It’ll be just as bad, if not worse.
Umaga vs. Alex Sage:
– JR says Umaga is a “man-ster”. Half man, half monster. I’m pretty sure he’s tried using that phrase before. Pretty weak. Note that we are in kayfabe country, and even after putting Umaga (sort of) over HHH and HBK, Umaga STILL doesn’t get much reaction. I’m sure part of that is the fact that screwjob wins probably don’t give much of a rub any more.
– Alex does a great flip sell of an Umaga lariat. What I like about Alex’s sell is it doesn’t look like he’s doing a tight backflip. He goes over as if he’s out in the air. Great stuff. SAMAGA follows up with a great press into a Samoan drop.
– And here’s the CHARGING BUTTOCK. Does JR oversell this to a huge degree? You decide. His comment: “There’s not a man alive who can survive that maneuver.” A butt to the face. THUMBS~! Umaga wins!
Sage sold like an icon and Umaga is.. Umaga. A pointless but enjoyable squash.
Winner: Umaga
We are told that on the next episode of Smackdown, Taker will face Khali. This is because the WWE has decided that Khali is not good enough to handle a live match. Well, good thing he’s been getting a main event push, then!
Intercontinental Title Match – Ric Flair vs. Johnny Nitro© w/ Melina:
– Nitro’s got the belt hanging as a pseudo-wang. Melina makes a display of rubbing it real soft. So dirty… need a few minutes…
– JR: “I am a regular viewer of ECW”. Jeez, when you say it like that it sounds like you don’t watch. Why not say “I thought Angle vs. Sabu from last week’s ECW was a helluva match!”. You KNOW King doesn’t watch. He didn’t even know Finlay had a leprechaun a month or two back, hahaa.
– Flair’s first chop is MEATY. Nitro hits an enziguri which causes a Flair flop, crowd loves it. Great crowd tonight!
– Get this.. Nitro goes for a CORKSCREW off the top! Like AJ Styles’ old Spinal Tap! Who decided to let these guys WRESTLE on this sportz entertainment brand venture?
– Here comes FOLEY! Ric punches him down, and then Melina hits the LOW BLOW! Ha! They should have Melina be Mick’s manager. Mic wants to decapitate Ric with a steel step, but Ric dodges. “Foley” chant… But then comes a louder “Foley sucks” chant in time for the post-match facial twitching.
Winner: Raw finish©
Diva Search Time! JT has on a shirt that says “MILF”. So.. she has a kid? Miz tests out the reactions, JT gets the best pop of the ladies by just a bit. Milena was voted off.. fans are not happy! Miz rightly points out that if they don’t like it, they should have voted.
But wait! There’s more! The three contestants will now take on three WWE divas in a water balloon fight in the ring. Winners are the ones who soak the others the most… It’s Candice, Victoria and Torrie vs. the new ladies. One minute time limit. Candice is too smart for this, using the time to lean over the ropes and pose for the fans as the others toss water and balloons at each other. Poor Victoria. From what I’ve read, she’s friends with Trish. Vic is probably gone once Trish is.
While hyping Torrie’s FHM cover, JR points out that he did not buy shampoo at the airport but he did get that FHM mag, heh heh. JR also is worried about getting wet as he left his mansierre at home, hahaha. This one minute water fight is uneventful. Miz decides winner by crowd reaction. The vets show why they’re at where they’re at, having Candice tear her shirt open just when it’s time for the crowd to pop. That augments the reaction enough for the vets to get the win.
Then, Miz is supposed to try not to mess up the “how to vote” spiel. But the divas destroy him with water, and he just loses it, running away while desperately trying to deliver lines. He fails, heh heh.
Orton hype video airs. It shows Randy RKO’ing Jake the Snake. He needs to make another appearance. I got that Jake DVD and the guy is the shit. HE should be doing voiceovers for this company. We see the parking lot. Hogan will arrive sometime.. TONIGHT!
DX hits the ring. Fans throw up the New Jack sign.. that guy will take a fork to you, Virginia! 3 justifiable homicides! Almost the whole crowd does crotch chops in unison to the pyro. Man, tons of DX signs and shirts out there. The fans love them some DX…
They have mics. HHH does the intro. HBK shows off the new “cock” shirt, gets a very weak reaction. HHH does a “cock-a-doodle-doo” line, which also gets a weak pop. It’s the same thing every time. Crowd starts out hot for DX, then the whole thing just dies of terminal lameness.
Here come the McMahons with police on the ramp. A fan tries to drown Shane out with an airhorn.. how annoying. Then the WWE reaps what they sow as a “you suck cock” chant breaks out, hahaha! Vince goes on and on about nothing… HHH says DX is their worst nightmare… HHH also curiously says he’d tell the devil to suck it. Is he saying the devil is gay? Gay people are in hell? And why does HHH want the devil to give him oral, anyway?
Now it’s time for the post-encounter snarling. Vince struts, giving a thumbs down and suddenly winces and tugs at his leg. There goes another quad, I guess.
Spirit Squad vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan & Eugene:
– Non title? I dunno… Highlanders come to ringside to counter the three extra Squad guys. Eugene gets a hot tag, hits a rock bottom and an airplane spin. Johnny comes off the top with a sweet spin kick… Highlanders sneak in a double team, Eugene gets the pin.
Filler fodder.
Winners: Eugene & Hacksaw
Video… Jeff Hardy returns to Raw on Monday! Point to your face and go OHHHHHHH! Should be interesting if he does the day glo blacklight foggy crawl entrance like he did in TNA.
The McMahons are in the back. Armando Alejandro comes up to them and offers them the services of Umaga. They all say “UUUMAGA” together, heh heh.
So is Foley going to job to Ric? I am so sick of Foley jobbing. This is one match I want Mick to win.
In the back, Carlito kisses Trish. Keep messing with that marriage, WWE, you scumbags. I guess Hogan’s the main event tonight..?
Carlito vs. Edge:
– Trish looks RADIANT at ringside. They start off trading punches and wrestling moves. Carlito then busts out a springboard corkscrew senton!?! Now… something tells me that Carlito did this stuff all the time in Puerto Rico. Then he came to the ‘E and they made him stop. Then they tried to push him for what, two years while he wrestled in the putrid WWE style.. and he hasn’t really gotten that over. So now he has to de-suck to get where they wanted him to be in the first place!
– Lita gets caught red-handed putting a boot on the ropes, she lamely blames Trish anyway hahaha. Commercial.. During the break, Carlito was nice enough to jump off the top jaw-first into a dropkick.
– No Shelton tonight? Poor guy… Trish decks Lita at ringside and the crowd loves it. Carlito rallies in the ring with a big backflip and a rana. Carlito LEAPFROGS an Edge spear attempt… sweet. But Edge hits a spear on him a moment later. Girls suddenly go “EEEE!” and that means meathead Cena is running in.
– Girls and only girls cheer as Cena attacks Edge. Edge escapes into the crowd.
Carlito’s busting out some sweet offense.. he’s finally on his way in the ring, it seems.
Winner: Raw finish©
So how’s Brooke Hogan’s single doing, anyway? I haven’t heard anything about it.
Orton hits the ring. He has a mic. Sign right behind him: “ORTON = BORING” hahaha. You said it, buddy. Orton says Hogan’s not here. We watch his hype video AGAIN to fill time, I guess. Randy says he never understood how Hogan got cheered for doing the same thing every night. Hogan’s music hits.
It’s the fake Hogan. The crowd is NOT AMUSED. They don’t boo, they just sit there and watch. Fake Hogan grabs the mic and says “I’m a junior senior citizen”. Hogan’s music hits again, this time it’s the real Hulk.
Crowd reaction is not big AT ALL. Hogan slides into the ring, Randy stomps him. Hogan uses the big boot to send Randy to the floor. Crowd not very into it. Fake Hogan wants a slice. “YEWWWW” finger point. Oh no… Hulk grabs Fake Hulk, says something to him, then whips him.. but Fake Hulk can’t run the ropes! He hits the rope and stumbles off it. Hulk tries to big boot him but almost completely misses and Fake falls awkwardly! Camera angles switch around in a panic. Hogan drops some elbows.. crowd waits for the legdrop.. waits.. waits… Hogan tosses Fake. Fake Hulk carefully hops out of the ring, heh heh.
Something tells me Hulk’s leg injury means no legdrop. That is NOT GOOD. Hogan has a mic. He says Hulkamania will be alive at Summerslam. Small pop! Hulk poses to end the show.
WOW… That match was probably going to suck even if both guys were healthy. They’re gonna have to gimmick this thing up big time. Hulk visibly looked upset at how poorly things were going out there. I guess he can blame Fake Hulk for everything. But bottom line, this HOT crowd was not into what they saw of Hogan at all.
OVERALL: THREE out of FIVE. Loved the women’s, Carlito is shining, Nitro/Flair was fun. Watching the Hogan debacle was also entertaining. DX doesn’t do it for me, but I guess casual fans like it. Fun show!
We open cold with a recap of the Dreamer/Sandman vs. Heyman’s Sportz Entertainers feud. Seeing Tommy go through the barbed wire board in super-slow motion, it becomes very clear that the barbed wire has a “barb” deficiency. Ouch, I just got slammed on a thin aluminum cable board!
Let the bodies hit the fluh!
We are (live?) in Nashville Tennessee, former home of TNA. What a history… S.E.X… Disgraceland (which the McMahons unknowingly ripped off last night)… Disco Inferno wrestling for the NWA title… what a ride. What a way to spend $10 a week! Tonight, we will see Sabu vs. Angle. Tazz uses up all his stock phrases in the first minute, saying: “What a rocket bustah! This will be off da charts!”. I guess he’ll just sit quietly for the rest of the night until a “holy smokes” moment arises.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Mike Knox:
– Tommy unleashes the cactus clothesline. Tommy poses, and surprisingly gets a decent reaction from the non-Hammerstein fans..!
– Here comes Heyman with those RIOT BASHAMS. Heyman distracts the ref. Dreamer hits Knox with a DDT, and Knox’s sell is SUPERB. He does one of those deals where it looks like he does a headstand before crashing to the mat. The Bashams drag Tommy from the ring and beat him with Bossman-like sticks of justice.
– Back in, Knox hits the swinging DDT finisher that never gets over for the win.
Too short to be much. They’re really stringing this Heyman cult leader deal out slowly. It’s OK though, I guess.
Winner: Mike Knox
After, Heyman and the Bashams slowly advance on Dreamer. Heyman says: “Do you feel my pain?”. It gets awkward, where’s the run-in? There it is. Sandman is in the crowd posing. Commercial. Awww.. we gotta stretch this to two segments?
Back.. Heyman has a mic. Sandman is standing between them and Dreamer, Singapore cane in hand. Heyman says he loves Tommy like his own son. He also says “ECW lives up to its’ promises”. What a rib. Heyman books a handicrap match right now. OK, who’s sabotaging this show?
Sandman vs. Test & Mike Knox:
– Here come the stomps and punches. What a terrible way to start off the show. Elbow drops.. END IT. Test misses an elbow drop. Sandman gets his hands on his trusty cane and starts whacking the heels. He gets DQ’ed but doesn’t care, which is a little refreshing and the crowd actually really likes that.
Winner: Test & Mike Knox
Tazz.. oh Tazz. Presumably, someone on the other end of his headset is so cruel. Tazz says: “Sandman may be the most unpredictable ‘extremist’ of all.” Not WRESTLER. Unbelievable.
Sabu hype video, starts off with a desert sunset. Cool stuff. It becomes a recap of Sabu attacking Show, and then becomes a Sabu promo. Sabu says Show is ducking him. It’s 10:20 PM already and I’m still waiting for something that is 1/4th as awesome as last week’s show.
Commercial.. Sneaux sneakers. There’s something so sad about Steve-O. What’s he gonna do when he’s 40? Will he live to 40?
Balls cuts an infomercial on himself. Give him a meth lab gimmick already.
It’s a full moon out. Will Thorne wrestle a WEREWOLF?! Good Gawd! That would be too extreme. Hey, we’re in the Gaylord International Arena. No wonder Rene Dupree’s in attendance tonight.
Kevin the Vampire w/ Ariel vs. Al Snow:
– Oh geez, Tazz starts actually talking about “bite clubs” and how Kevin and Ariel follow “vampirism”. They missed the whole goth thing by like 8 years. And come on.. “bite club”? I can talk about this with a degree of authority, as I knew plenty a goth kid who played the White Wolf Vampire roleplaying game. They did not go to “bite clubs”. They role-played their asses off and resolved disputes with playing cards.
– Ariel does an awesome upside-down pose on the ropes. She is right up there with Melina in terms of a valet who entertains every second she’s on camera.
– Al Snow is without Head. I guess Test got the honor of killing the gimmick by punting Head into the crowd a week or two back. Fine with me. Not an Al Snow fan. I would be if Fertig here sucked his blood and made him a Minion, though.
– Throne hits some tackles. A body slam. Fakes a makeout with Ariel, which is more awkward then Edge and Lita’s faux kisses. Crowd loves Kevin’s elevated neckbreaker. More fake licking. Fertig with an unfortunately low crucifix powerbomb for the win.
Nothing to this, really. Kevin’s got a good look, but his moveset does not at all reflect his gimmick. Shouldn’t he try to make people bleed in every match? Vampires like blood, right? I guess they’re still working on it. Unfortunately we have to endure the growing pains.
Winner: Kevin
Ariel’s the best part of this show so far by a mile.
Kurt Angle hype video, followed by a quick promo. I have heard that a number of WWE people think Kurt isn’t ready to be back. The DEATHWATCH is still on.
Oh no. Rene Dupree cuts a bland backstage promo. They don’t even try to make him interesting. Where’s the Punker? He has all this momentum and it’s 10:36 EST. Where’s RVD, for that matter?
Big Show is in a Big Suit and hits the ring. He has a mic. He says he looks good, and the Smackdown fans cheer, heh heh. He says he wants to add some class to ECW. He will crush Angle’s spine. Sabu will be committing suicide if he faces Show. Actually a medium-sized “Sabu” chant breaks out…! “Noone can beat me”, he says. Uh.. you just lost LAST WEEK. By DQ to Batista. Did Taker do that too? I like the idea of the high class Big Show, hehe. I also like how Show gets booed by die-hard wrestling fans and cheered by casual fans.
This show is an easy ONE out of FIVE so far… Did Shannon Moore get shelved? Did Dupree get his spot?
Ah finally. CM Punk promo. Terrible camera work. It’s all wobbly and super-close up, looks dumb. This isn’t the Blair Witch Project. Punk thanks the fans and says he can’t wait for Match #2 next week. Awesome. They are making each match an EVENT.
#1 Contender’s Match – Sabu vs. Kurt Angle:
– There are 3 Punk signs at ringside. Intros.. both Sabu and Kurt get cheers. Kurt starts off with a side headlock. Sabu gets his leg on the rope and ref doesn’t see it forever. Is Sabu selling really, really well or is Kurt stretching him out a little bit?
– Another headlock.. BIG “Sabu” chant! Angle gets posted. Hey, there was no extreme rules match tonight. What a crock. Fertig could have used some friggin props, too.
– Angle takes a terrifying full flip bump to the floor. Commercial..
– Burt Bacharach is TERRIFYING. He looks like the Crypt Keeper at that piano.
– We’re back. Angle has in the WWE commercialhold©. Sabu hits a beautiful spring tornado DDT. I mean… this was seriously one of the greatest DDTs ever. He got so high and it still looked great. That should make some highlight reels. Tazz celebrates this great spot with, yes! “HOLY SMOKES!” Holy smokes indeed, former Fuck The World champion.
– Angle with a toss-y belly to belly. The guy does not look rejuvenated at all. Kurt then casually hits a freaking fireman’s carry slam on the FLOOR! That looked scary. This isn’t Misawa/Kobashi, I don’t think that was necessary. It didn’t even get a good reaction anyway.
– Angle cinches in a choke and the crowd just dies. From here on out, Kurt doesn’t even try to hide the fact that he’s calling spots. There’s a good five moments where the camera catches Angle just babbling away. Sabu hits a spring leg lariat, gets two.
– Rolling germans?? There’s one, then.. bah gawd, they try to re-create the suplex where Benoit broke Sabu’s neck! Cool idea, a little scary though. Angle Slam? No, Sabu converts it into an armdrag. Man, Sabu can hang with anybody! Sabu is just on the top of his game in the WWE.
– Too bad it’s 11:00 EST. This would rule if there was an 8 minute finishing sequence. Angle’s finishes are always great. Sabu camel clutch.. Angle counters somehow into an ankle lock! Sabu rolls to escape, sending Angle to the floor!
– Sabu follows up with a dive. Sadly, a few fans try to start an “ECW” chant and it does not take at all. Who would have thought that ECW would return and the actual “ECW” chant would cease to exist? Can’t blame them, though.
– Sabu with a WILD 180 rotation body splash! Sabu follows up with a cross arm breaker! But Angle counters that into an Ankle lock.. And here’s RVD!
– RVD goes for a Van Daminator, and clearly does not touch Angle at all. Angle sells anyway. Sabu actually looks happy, so in WWE-speak that means Sabu was about to tap out. RVD then kicks a chair into Sabu’s face as well. RVD poses and the crowd chants along. A 3 way dance? Seriously.. that could be a CLASSIC. Angle is gold in 3 ways.
A good-to-very-good match from start to finish. They did some stuff that seemed unnecessarily risky to me. The crowd didn’t even react to the stuff, anyway.
Winner: ECW Finish©
After, RVD poses to.. absolute silence. Fans are just waiting for the Smackdown dark main event, I guess. Just run the old venues already!
OVERALL: Barely a TWO out of FIVE, thanks to Sabu vs. Angle. The WWE knows how to run an ECW show we’d all love, they just DON’T WANT TO. And yet still we watch.
Match of the Week: Sabu vs. Kurt Angle
Show of the Week: WWE Raw
I reviewed the TNA PPV that happened yesterday… the building caught on fire on pay per view, heh heh. It was pretty cool. Check it out
