Wacky Wrestling Theory 01.01.09: Wacky Awards 2008 – Part 2

The Online Oxford Dictionary defines ‘wacky’ as the things that are too good to be true but too fucking cool not to be real. I agree, but when I think of wacky I think of the world of pro-wrestling. And when I think of pro-wrestling and the end of the year, I think of awards. When I think of awards I think of all the theory that goes into coming up with the subjective winners. So, put that all together, and you’ve got the 2008 Wacky Wrestling Theory Pro-Wrestling Wacky Awards… Part 2!

Now, let’s get things started just like they do at the Nobel Prize Awards Ceremony…

Wackiest Female Performer of the Year

Notable Nominees:
Karen Angle – her half acting and unnecessary hotness put her in the spotlight this year in TNA, and I’m guessing her infinite backstabbing and shrieking tantrums were a bit too realistic for the wife-now-formerly-known-as-Angle.

Beth Phoenix – who knew she had a spotlight stealing pout?

Cute Kip – well, he was in a Bimbo Brawl.

Maryse – so wacky I can’t even pronounce her name.

Winner = Vickie Guerrero

– probably the strongest presence all year in the WWE. Vickie’s late husband, the great Eddie Guerrero, would have been proud, and probably jealous, of Vickie’s natural conniving persona and under handed schemes. But what really gives Vickie the win here is that she was able to constantly find ways to get herself back into that wheelchair and neck brace gimmick that made it so wrong, yet oh so satisfying, to hate her.

Our first special guest tonight is CHIKARA referee extraordinaire Bryce Remsburg:

“In CHIKARA, I’ve encountered my share of wacky, but this memory is more on the side of amazing. March 1. I am standing in a CHIKARA ring with Larry Sweeney at King of Trios. I’m staring at the ramp. And Demolition’s music is playing in the ECW Arena. Here comes the Ax… Oh. My. God. Next thing I know, they’re coming down the ramp, and Sweeney and I are giggling like schoolgirls. Then(!), One Man Gang and Sweeney are having a strut-off. Kinda wacky, but definitely unforgettable.”

Wackiest Tag Team of the Year

Notable Nominees:
John Morrison & The Miz – funny, sure… slow motion entrance, always wacky.

Cryme Tyme – their consistently funnier online segments then their more in-fashion enemies always make for at least one satisfying trip a week to WWE.com.

Player Uno & Player Dos – CHIKARA’ Super Smash Brothers actually do famous moves from the game cartridges they bring to the ring.

Natalya & Victoria – not only a tag team but the entire ‘heel’ contingent of the Women’s division on Smackdown.

Winners = Finlay & Hornswaggle
– this father and man-who-is-genetically-small-so-he-can-look-like-a-child fake son team made a legitimate run at the WWE Tag Team Titles at No Way Out, in a match that was truly enjoyable. Hornswaggle is breaking down boundaries for little people wrestlers and god bless Finlay, the grizzled technical veteran, for doing a jig and committing to make the tag team realistic and fun.

Wackiest Outfit of the Year

Notable Nominees:
Chris Hero – one flared pant leg, indiscriminate use of camo, and a Jane Fonda-ish headband… need I go on?

Larry Sweeney – not only has be been know to wear a blazer matched with jeans tucked into cowboy boots, but he also regularly sweats through his shirts, which shows at the very least that he is doing the best job a manager can do.

Kaz – before he went to the Wacky Award winning full body spandex Suicide suit, Kaz was sporting a highly retarded tribal symbol vest concoction.

Psycho Circus – AAA’s zombie monster clowns are just too amazing!

Winner = Ultimo Breakfast
-one of Wacky Wrestling Theory’s favorite wrestlers, Ultimo Breakfast was geared up like a kitchen table mixed with a kung fu monk. Sadly, the man behind this brilliant outfit is set to retire, as the CHIKARA Create-A-Wrestler cycle has once again lapsed.

But… in this Wacky Wrestling Theory Exclusive, Ultimo Breakfast himself would like to say farewell to all of his fans:

To the Fans who made me possible (literally),

In order to uphold the honor and spirit of the Create-A-Wrestler (CAW) contest it is time for me to say my farewells. My time spent here was not wasted. I traveled many roads, made more allies than any man could ask for, and had many unbelievable experiences. Such as an American election, which was explained to me more thoroughly from Sir Timothy Donst, I had my first Philly Cheese Steak, and I could never forget the festivities after your Philadelphia Phillies claimed the honor of World Series Champions. However, above all else, it was truly a privilege to do battle in the Squared Circles of Chikara in front of such an appreciative crowd. The tales of my adventures will be carried home with me. So they may be told to all the little early risers home in Mount Olympus for many years to come. If the winds once again blow towards Pennsylvania you can best believe Ultimo Breakfast will return. It is with great confidence that I am leaving the avatar of Create-a-Wrestler in good hands here at Chikara. As much as I would love to stay I know that only the fans can now decide what the future holds for CAW.

Your Friend,

Ultimo Breakfast

P.S. Do not forget that breakfast is by far the most important meal of the day.

Carpe Diem

–farewell friend

Wackiest Feud of the Year

Notable Nominees:
Angle / AJ – there is no scientific equation that can prove this, but I’m sure not one wrestling fan became more intrigued by the thought of another Angle vs. AJ match solely because Styles somehow accidentally married Angle’s wife in the middle of the ring.

KENTA / Nakajima – a feud that was very intensely serious about who seemed to basically need the most respect for having the best chest kicks.

Ultramantis Black / Tim Donst – amnesia, brainwashing, learning the counters to special finishers, double crosses, double double crosses, enslaved monsters and mat technicians… CHIKARA at it’s finest.

Big Show / Mayweather – this was an example of ‘booking on the fly’ as the lack of fan interest, yet mainstream publicity, caused the WWE to attempt both a fake injury and a double switch in the same week, neither of which were very convincing.

Winner = Edge / Undertaker
– a feud that led to so many great main event matches, but also the proliferation of an illegal submission hold that had no name, leading to many awkward moments for the commentators.

Special Wacky Awards sent in from Denver, Colorado:

Wackiest Indy Show Featuring The Best And Most German Suplexes Of The Year: CHIKARA Global Gauntlet Night 2

Aside from an awkward confrontation between Gran Akuma and Jaki Numazawa, Night 2 of the Global Gauntlet may go down as the single most overlooked wrestling card ever. And why is that? Because Big Japan sweetheart, Daisuke Sekimoto, is featured as the last BJW representative in the 7-on-7 Global Gauntlet Match. I would estimate that 95% of his total body weight rests above his waist which means he was put on Earth to suplex. The ever-so-lovable Mike Quackenbush eats a few suplex sandwiches before Sekimoto is faced with a sizable challenge in Claudio Castagnoli. And while Sekimoto is as graceful as a ribbon dancer when performing his deadly German Suplex, you may be shocked to learn that Castagnoli can use the hold just as effectively. Seriously, give it a download or something.

Wackiest Hypocrite Of The Year: The Big Show

When The Big Show was ECW Champion in 2006, he was having better matches than anyone else in WWE with the likes of The Undertaker, Kane, and Ric Flair. But apparently that wasn’t good enough for Paul Wight. Why wrestle in front of millions of fans across the world on live international television when you can let Hulk Hogan manage your boxing contract? And what a stellar boxing career it was, only performing in the public eye once, to WRESTLE Hulk Hogan in front of 2,200 fans. Wight even went as far as to call “The Big Show” his “slave name.” Well don’t act so surprised when The Big Show turns up at No Way out 2008 to begin a month-long program with Floyd Mayweather which led to… a program on ECW! Granted, his FIVE-WAY Singapore Cane match at One Night Stand RULED, but seriously, for Paul Wight to expect anything other than mediocrity upon returning to WWE is just.. well… wacky!

Wackiest Move of the Year

Notable Nominees:
Tyler Black powerbomb breaking the top rope at ROH New Horizons – the 2008 indy version of the Brock/Big Show ring collapse.

Randy Orton RKO on Batista at Survivor Series – I’ve never seen a guy more pumped up as Orton while he was waiting for Batista to get to his feet at the end of their elimination tag team match. Orton took overacting beyond the forbidden outer regions that only The Rock used to dance near during his final few matches before retirement.

Naomichi Marufuji midair Flux Capacitor on Mark Briscoe – a move so perfectly timed that they now set watches by it in Japan.

Winner = Mae Young falling forearm shiver
-so brilliant it defies description…

–it’s right there around 2:43… you can’t miss it!

Wackiest Match of the Year

Notable Nominees:
Honor Rumble – this DVD extra match was ROH’s first ever attempt at a battle royale, and the results were wacky to say the least. Bobby Dempsey’s attempt to turtle in the corner was brilliantly wacky, but the victory by oft-forgotten mid-mid-carder Ruckus really makes this match a top contender!

Mask vs. Mask: Blue Panther vs. Villano V – this match deserve consideration for the crowd reactions alone, because I don’t know when the last time I saw so much unprompted joyous dancing in the audience of a North American wrestling show… and that was before the match even started!

Fish Market Street Fight: Team 3-D vs. Curry Man & Shark Boy – fishing poles and real fish on ice were used as effective weapons in this salty encounter.

New York City Parking Lot Brawl: John Cena vs. JBL – when JBL trapped Cena in a car that was one fire it wasn’t the first time one wrestler has tried to murder another on live TV, but definitely one of the most fun!

Winner = Big Show vs. Floyd Mayweather Jr.
– this match proves that the name ‘Wrestlemania’ is bigger than anything else in the business, and how on one Wrestlemania night, a guy with practically no wrestling training can put on a show equal to that of any savvy ring veteran. Conflicted or not, honestly enjoying this magnificent match proves just how wacky it is to be a pro-wrestling fan.

Infamous 411mania Reader “KanyonKreist” sent in these thoughts about the wacky state of pro-wrestling in 2008:

I hope you will address the new football-field-sized HD TitanTron, and how it has finally wiped out the last pocket of fans who preferred to watch the wrestlers IN THE RING – while cheering, booing or what have you – and ushered in our current era of fans in attendance sitting on their hands and watching the big, shiny television set above the entryway. Am I the only viewer who’s been distracted by the masses in the live audience always sitting, slackjawed and silently looking off to the right during the matches? I actually feel like that is the most important change to the world of pro wrestling in 2008.

Wackiest Pseudo-Celebrity Involvement on WWE Television… I’d think Jimmy Kimmel’s COUSIN getting a clean win on Santino would sweep that category.

Triple H should really be up for some sort of Greatest Upholder of the Status Quo award. His title reign on Smackdown this year presented a bold, spine-tingling lack of anything even slightly interesting, original or unexpected.

I know I’d love to see an award for Event/Decision That Pissed of the Internet Crowd Most. CM Punk’s ill-fated, Mysterio-esque World Title reign, maybe?

Most *Believable* Finishing Move would be a refreshing one, after years of seeing something as ludicrous as the Pedigree or F-U compared to legitimately dangerous finishers like the piledriver or DDT (which, to me, is the gold standard), which happened mostly in kayfabe publications, of course. Nominees for this award would be, well, probably a bunch of Japanese moves, though, I’d throw in a couple legit domestic ones, such as Hernandez’s Boarder Toss or – here’s a believable one – Big Show’s right cross.

I think Jake Roberts should be acknowledged for the dedication he exhibits in reviewing WWE television on myspace each week, as well as giving pointers, no matter how goddamn rotten the show is. I always get a lot out of those reviews. It really seems like he points out certain things specifically to help out young guys trying to break into the business. So yeah, maybe an award for most genuine “love for the business” or something. I dunno, I just hear that “love for the business” bullshit bandied about so much in WWE, that it would be nice to acknowledge the difference between their almost brand-name-ish use of the phrase, and seasoned guys like the Snake who actually live it, who actually give back. And watching Raw from beginning to end every week? That’s sacrifice.

Oh! By the way, my pick for Wackiest Wrestler/Superstar/Entertainer of the year has got to be… hmmm… I’m going with Mike Knox’s beard.

Ah yes… the big award…

Wackiest Wrestler of the Year

Notable Nominees:
Jamie Noble – the poor man’s AJ Styles, tried to be a new age Spike Dudley… and it almost worked!

AJ Styles – the rich man’s Jamie Noble’s 2008 will proudly be remembered as the year the ‘Prince of Phenomenal’ wore a crown to the ring and yet acted like a dumb hick.

Colin Delany – a promising start to a wacky career as the new Mikey Whipwreck, until the WWE decided that might be just too relatable to the general audience, so they fired him and gave us Dolph Ziggler…

and of course this fellow nominee…

Kizarny – how is it possible for a guy who hasn’t even wrestled on TV yet, to already be one of my all time top ten favorite wrestlers? Could it have something to do with the fact that my favorite book is ‘A Clockwork Orange’ and my favorite rap group is Das Efx?

El Generico – any year this man wrestlers, he definitely deserves consideration as Wackiest Wrestler of the Year, c’mon, he’s a tall lanky white guy still selling that he’s a Mexican luchador.

not unlike fellow nominee…

Curry Man – a white veteran ring general and master of the mind games doing a fantastic job of selling that he’s a dancing Japanese mental patient.

not unlike another fellow nominee…

Delirious – his garbled language and storytelling eyes keep this dude in the wacky books, but add a failed attempt at romancing Daizee Haze and an oddly serious heel turn, and you’ve almost got the ultimate wrestler.

Gamma – it’s one thing to hijack a title and name it after yourself, but Gamma is the jerkiest jerk out there, and dots the exclamation point on his jerkiness by throwing protein powder in an opponent’s faces, whacking guys with a big personalized stick, and literally drooling egg yolk into his opponent’s mouth as a finishing move.

The Great Khali – Khali was making a strong case for wackiest wrestler, especially during his goat gifting feud with the Big Show, but by ending the year by making out with and falling in love with Mae Young could have won you a Wacky Award ten years ago, but not in 2008 I’m afraid.

Santino Marella – one massive chink in the Santino wacky armor this year was his ‘rap’ to Akon, ugh, dorky guys rapping is just plain cheesy and crappy in this day and age. Sorry Santino, but keep up the good work.

Edge – without a doubt one of the best traditional wrestlers of the year, but wackiest? His Wacky Award winning relationship with Vickie was equal parts compelling and cringe worthy, yet never cheesy or ‘wrestlecrap.’ In fact, Edge’s flip to the darker side of dark and turning heel on his heel compatriots, showed a level of isolationist commitment to character that is commendable. His complete denial of all things rational or just made for pure genius, but there was one wrestler who I felt was just a touch more, pound-for-pound, wacky…

–not this year buddy

Winner = Maryse
– Maryse was a wrestler who transcended that fact that she shouldn’t even be a wrestler and had some pretty good matches along the way to carving out a niche for herself in the WWE lexicon. Passable in-ring talent aside, Maryse carries such unteachable arrogance, and flips her head with incredible entitlement, that you can’t help but be captured by her on screen presence. Whereas wrestles like Edge and Santino are fantastically proficient at their craft of presenting a wrestling persona, Maryse is the walking embodiment of wacky wrestling success because she doesn’t have to try and she is just plain great.

A flawlessly wacky year for the winner of the annual inaugural Wackiest Wrestler of the Year Award! Wow, she even got all dressed up for the occasion! Congratulations Marace… Mareece… Mareesh… oh, whatever…

There you have it, the 2008 Wacky Awards!
Thanks to all involved, and have a Wacky New Year!