Wacky Wrestling Theory 04.02.09: The Wackiest Matches Ever Seen Live by Me

Today I will be talking about the history of pro-wrestling. Not the history that you may know intimately, but some of MY personal history of pro-wrestling. As a lifelong wrestling fan, I have seen my share of live events, from as varied of places as the basement of a strip club in Mississuaga, Ontario, Canada, to the Colonial Stadium in Melbourne, Australia. I have seen a lot of great matches, once in a lifetime matches, and there are few joys in life finer than live wrestling done right, with the right crowd in the right venue. Aside from just being good, there are those times when the experience has been just plain wacky! Sine the focus of my column this year has been the wackiness in pro-wrestling, I thought I’d share with you my favorite wacky live matches of all time!

#10 – Ricky Marvin vs. Yoshinobu Kanemura [Indy Show (2008) – Olympic Park Jamsil Gymnastic Arena – Seoul, South Korea]

Of the maybe 150 people in attendance in this sweaty gym, probably only about 10 had any idea who these guys were. The crowd was mostly made up of off-duty US military there to cheer on a fellow serviceman who was challenging for some Korean championship in the main event. NOAH imports Marvin and Kanemura opened the card and at first the crowd was absolutely dead. As these two proceeded to kick the shit out of each other, fly all over the ring, and generally pull out every possible wrestling move imaginable, they slowly whipped the entire 150 strong into a pro-wrestling fan frenzy. I was incredibly impressed once when I witnessed Bryan Danielson go out for his first ROH Tokyo match with Go Shiosaki in 2007 to almost no reaction, and then emphatically win over the crowd by the end of the match, but this was a more remarkable feat given the seemingly sheer disinterest in the crowd for the match when it started as well as the level of education about the performers being at almost zero. When the bell rang for a fifteen-minute time limit and the assembled crowd spontaneously erupted into a standing ovation for the two exhausted, one night stars, I knew I had seen some pure wacky wrestling magic.

#9 – WCW Title Tournament Final: Bret Hart vs. Chris Benoit [WCW Mayhem (1999) – Air Canada Center – Toronto, Canada]

A terrible, terrible event, from top to bottom. WCW at this point was at its lowest point creatively and the best they could try to do was glom off some of the remaining Canadian popularity left on the generally ineffectual Bret Hart. It worked, as the gullible/loyal Torontonians almost sold out for this worthless PPV card. This main event between Hart and Benoit was okay, if not a tad bit predictable, made even more predictable by what I saw as a live attendee. Those wacky WCW producers huddled the entire Hart family into a pile just behind the floor seats at the end of the entrance area. You could only get a clear view of this if you were sitting in the upper deck on that side of the building, but it was pretty obvious what was going on, as they waited for their handler, some chick with a walkie talkie who wasn’t even paying attention to the match, to signa theml to head to the ring once the match was over. Of course, you could argue that they were just preparing ‘in case’ Bret won, but everyone knows wrestling is predetermined, so unless this was part of a pre-introduced story, it basically just gave away the ending to any half way intelligent person sitting in the upper deck that night.

#8 -Triple H & Ric Flair vs. Batista & Chris Benoit [WWE House Show (2005) – Acer Arena – Sydney, Australia]

House shows are a great place to see classic, old school, superstar tag team main events, and I’ve seen a ton of them, but fantastic match had a definite wacky bonus. While the smell in the Sydney crowd was one of the worst stenches I have ever experienced from a combined group of wrestling fans (yes, even worse than the Hamilton, Ontario, Copps Coliseum), I could not help but be stunned by the raucous reception the live Australian audience gives to every move and stereotypical pro-wrestling cheap trick in the book. You get PPV main event level pops for stuff like a Hurricane vs. Chris Masters match; it’s truly a beautiful experience for any pure wrestling fan. So you can imagine the kind of shit two masters of crowd control like Flair and Hunter can get up to. Both guys had individual entrances, and both picked up a mic afterwards and laid into the crowd. More specifically though, in response to a hyperactive fan in the front row dressed like Rowdy Roddy Piper, Triple H stared and him and said, “Like I’m gonna take shit from some fag in a dress!” The crowd roared like they had just heard ‘Waltzing Matilda’ sung by Kylie Minoque, for some reason this seemingly family friendly crowd had absolutely loved that comment. While politically incorrect on just about every conceivable level, you’ve got to give Triple H credit for not giving a fuck.

#7 – Lion’s Den Match w/ Weapons: Ken Shamrock vs. Steve Blackman [SummerSlam ’99 (1999) – Target Center – Minneapolis, USA]

While definitely a night of ultra wacky matches, from a ridiculous brawl into a pub between RoadDogg and Bossman, an early Y2J WWF sighting, that scary stupid yet somehow satisfyingly great feud over asses between The Rock and Mr. Ass, to Stone Cold being caught (off camera) stuck in the ropes during a botched celebration in the middle of his WWF Title 3-Way, to the madness of the ‘Love Her or Leave Her’ Match, SummerSlam ’99 was a memorable night of live wrestling. The one thing I truly feel honored to have seen live was the Lion’s Den cage. Call me crazy, but this wacky little contraption made almost no sense, as I guess it was supposed to be an interpretation of the UFC Octagon, yet the size of the fighting surface was so small it almost gave the wrestlers no space to get any momentum or movement. Not only that, but the cage was set up behind the floor audience, where the stage should be, but not actually on a stage (luckily I was in the upper deck, right above it so I had one of the best views in the house, for once). The match was quite long and methodical, and given the sight line of the cage, bored most of the live audience into silence. Yet I loved every minute of this misplaced masterpiece. The only thing that could bump this beauty off the list would be to see a Chamber of Horrors Match, the Punjabi Prison or the ever-elusive WCW Asylum Cage!

#6 – Terry Funk vs. Abdullah the Butcher [Indy Show – The Warehouse (1998) – Toronto, Canada]

Meeting the Japanese Death Match Legend Terry Funk at an empty autograph table before the match was one of the true highlights of my wrestling life (I would like to say it was one of the three times I waited 4+ hours to get the autograph of Mick ‘Mankind’ Foley, but that motherfucker didn’t look me in the eyes even one time!… Wrestlemania moment my ass ‘grumble grumble’), and wasn’t even soured when his response to our question about why he was no longer in the WWF had something to do with him maybe having Hepatitis B. The match, well, wacky is putting it lightly, Abdullah came out, Terry chased him around, threw some chairs, they brawled a little around the ring, then after less than five minutes Funk smashed some bottles together and made like he was going to stab Abby to death. Strange how the humble sweet guy I’d just met minutes early, now completely had me convinced he was a homicidal maniac. The Butcher ran to the back scared, and I don’t care, I still believe that was legit. Finally, just like he was John Dillinger, and regardless of the Hep B or not, my friends and I still used a fresh new Funk U t-shirt to soak up some of the blood that dripped onto the floor from our Hardcore hero’s torn up forehead.

#5 – Steel Cage Match: Hulk Hogan vs. King Kong Bundy [Wrestlemania 2 (1986) – Closed Circuit TV, Maple Leaf Gardens – Toronto, Canada]

While Maple Leaf Gardens in Toronto is the home to the most house shows I have ever seen, there was nothing quite as wacky as seeing WM 2 live with a packed arena on a huge, projected screen. In the days before PPV full penetration, or big screen sports bars or Megaplex PPV screenings, they offered these ‘closed circuit’ screenings of Wrestlemania that were basically just like being at a live event in the arena. While the match itself is no great masterpiece, you should realize just how Cena-like, the anti-Hogan mood of the crowd had gotten, even at the stage in the Hulkamania era. So much so, that even a young ‘Jake Chambers’ was frothing for Bundy to end Hogan’s reign of good guy goofiness. In particular was this choice heckle, “Get him you big butter ball!” I yelled that out at one lull, trying to join in with the cool older guys all around me who were much more ‘bleacher’ witty and vicious. Needless to say, my comment was completely no-sold by those around me.

-imagine if you will, a squeaky pre-pub voice cackling out, “Get him you big butterball!’ at about the 7 minute mark

#4 – Survivor Series Elimination Match: Savio Vega, Yokozuna, Flash Funk & Superfly Jimmy Snuka vs. Vader, Faarooq, & “The New” Razor Ramon and Diesel [10th Annual Survivor Series (1996) – Madison Square Garden – New York City, USA]

This PPV was a truly fucking awesome show to see live, Bret vs. Austin, ‘taker vs. Mankind, the NYC fans rallying behind Sid against HBK, all classic wrestling memories, but no match was as wacky that night as this messed up concoction. To say that Superfly being the ‘surprise partner’ was a letdown, when most people had been guessing that it might be Macho Man in an MSG return since his WCW contract had supposedly just expired, would be an understatement, but it was worth it to see that some people in attendance actually believed that the ‘new’ Razor and Diesel were still actually Hall and Nash. The match itself was an acceptable mess, but nothing beats being there to experience the very first entrances of Flash Funk dancing to the ring with his Funkettes, and the new militant Nation of Domination Farrooq with his procession of bodyguards, lawyers and rappers. I was both insulted and proud to be black at the same time, and I’m not even black! The fact that this match ended when the remaining six wrestlers brawled in the ring to a hextuple disqualification was the wacky topper to this awesome experience.

#3 – Ric Flair vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper [WWF House Show (1991) – Maple Leaf Gardens – Toronto, Canada]

I called in sick for my job that afternoon from the Yorkdale subway station, so obviously not sick and so obviously at a bus terminal, in order to see one of the wackiest live matches in history. For some reason this feud while promoted all over the weekly Superstars show, never made it onto TV officially, but it was awesome to see the man who ‘scared Flair’ get to duke it out with his hated opponent for Flair’s first ever WWF Toronto match. Flair was in his pompous prime while Piper was electric. The place was absolutely ready to treat Flair like a hero, but he was just so damn good at cheating and strutting around all cocky, that he converted the love to hate almost in an instant. Flair won with his feet on the ropes, but I was the real winner, because I realized that I had been completely enraptured for about 15 minutes without having seen one real wrestling move.

#2 – Royal Rumble Match [Royal Rumble (1998) – San Jose Arena – San Jose, USA]

Next to the Flair marathon in 1992, this is my favorite Rumble match, mainly because of the wacky performance of one man, Mick Foley. The ‘Three Faces of Foley’ came out in this match, with such genuine characterization and fun in each rendition. Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie stared things out, giving us the hardcore action that only best friends could, Mankind returned later with his insane brand of wrestling nonsense, and Dude Love came out last to back up his buddy Stone Cold, who of course, he shouldn’t have trusted! Being there live, it was actually a luxury not to have the commentary for this match, because you couldn’t be sure what was going on with Foley, or Stone Cold who was swerved as being ‘taken out’ in the back at one point, and no one knew what was going on (especially since the audio in the arena was out for all the backstage interviews). A rumble match, I learned, has so much going on, that it’s difficult to capture on television properly, just like a football game or tennis match, and to see all the mini-stories that take place live makes it worthwhile to be there in person at least once. Specifically, I remember seeing all five members of the Nation of Domination in there going to work and orchestrating things and thinking I was watching the new Horsemen in action, even though on video you can hardly tell they were working as such a cohesive unit.

#1 – The WWF Ex-perience [1996 – CNE Exhibition Stadium – Toronto, Canada]

Okay, sure, this is not one match… it’s a whole card! But I don’t care, it was a wacky fucking day of pure amazingness! This was the ten-year anniversary celebration of the Hogan vs. Orndorf ‘Big Event’ at the Toronto CNE, and it wasn’t just a wrestling show but a wrestling super day that will make that goofy commercialized WWE Axxess shit this weekend seem lame in comparison. We’re talking Dok Hendrix hosting a noon time baseball game between the faces and the heels, Sycho Sid taking on an elephant in a tug o’ war (which he eventually won thanks to some help from a few of his ‘gifted’ friends), a mid afternoon parade and pep rally, and a fireworks display ushering in Semi-WWF President Roddy Piper to begin the festivities in the open air arena event.
Some highlights included: The New Rockers, Aldo Montoya, Mr. Perfect spying on the blue-blood Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Sid vs. Vader in a CFL Lumberjack match, Mankind vs. Undertaker in a Casket Match, Faarooq in his African warrior outfit, a King of the Ring rematch between the newly Sable-d Marc Mero and the incredibly newly talkative Stone Cold Steve Austin! In one of the best matches of the night, the ever wacky duo of Owen Hart and the British Bulldog (if you didn’t get to see a Bulldog headflip up close at least once in your life, you really haven’t lived!) took on the equally wacky, heelish Smoking Gunns along with Sunny. At one point, in order to make that fiery Billy Gunn angrier we were chanting, “Sunny sucks Owen!” (… yes, I know…), which somehow eventually led to a “Bart sucks Billy” chant which cracked up Owen, Bulldog and Sunny. Sure, you may be thinking, ‘dork,’ but I’m telling you, if you listen closely during the exact same match up that took place between these two teams during the Mind Games PPV, you can hear the Bulldog himself trying in vain to start up that once in a lifetime laffer, “Bart sucks Billy!” Wacky! On top of all that, I still consider the main event WWF Title, Ladder Match between Shawn Michaels and Goldust to be not only the wackiest match ever, but also the all around greatest match I’ve ever seen! Yes, a wacky match should be measured by the amount of time a man wrestles after having his ass-exposed while trying to climb a ladder in the ring, and Micheals blew that one out of the water on this night!

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And on that note…
Time to say goodbye… and hello again!
Although this is the end of the scheduled one-year run of Wacky Wrestling Theory, this is not the end of my time writing about wrestling here at 411mania. I will have an evolved version of the column coming in two weeks, so stay tuned.

Until then, you can catch up on the conclusion of Wacky Wrestling Theory proper by starting >here with part one of the Big End Theory from last month, to see exactly where my mind is at heading into this next stage of my column writing career.

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and the fun filled Wacky Wrestling Theory Myspace Page

See you in two weeks!