411’s Total Divas Report 1.18.15

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We’re in Kansas City, Missouri for Monday Night Raw, where Brie Bella is wrestling Summer Rae and most of the rest of the cast is watching backstage and critiquing. For once, they’re sitting around and look like a group of people watching a wrestling match as opposed to unnaturally standing up in a single file line and staring at a monitor mounted to a wall that would not normally have a monitor mounted to it. Nattie makes a catty remark about Summer based on their history from earlier on Total Divas, but Paige sticks up for her, saying Summer was the only one who was nice to her when she first showed up. FINALLY, somebody other than me realizes who the babyface in the Nattie/Summer feud was supposed to have been. In another noteworthy moment, Paige looks remarkably tan for Paige.

After the micro-theme song, John Cena and Nikki Bella go to work out, and Cena throws a barbell plate at her, not revealing that it’s actually a light, plastic plate. This somehow segues into the two arguing about who is faster, so Cena’s “friend/trainer” Rob says that they should have a race to settle it. Suddenly, the race turns into a “series of physical tests,” all to be designed by Rob, with the winner getting . . . something. Nikki readily admits that she’s a moron by telling Rob that there cannot be any mental tests, otherwise she will lose. In other words, after three seasons of ripping off plots from 1970s sitcoms, Total Divas has reached the bottom of that barrel and is now taking concepts from 1970s Saturday morning cartoons, specifically the Hanna Barbera Laff-A-Lympics.

At Casa de Eva Marie, she pulls husband Jonathan aside and says, “You know how I’ve been complaining about something being wrong with my boobs?” She shows her goods to Johnny, and apparently they are unnaturally lumpy. The couple is concerned that one of Eva’s breast implants may have ruptured and even more concerned because said implants are silicone. One of Eva’s problems is that she is “booked solid,” and they try to pretend that she’s become some hard-working in-ring virtuoso since the reality show debuted.

At Monday Night Raw in Las Vegas, Brie freaks out Heath Slater and the Big Show by talking about her period. Yes, the man who was once covered in simulated feces by Eddy Guerrero on national television can’t handle a little menstruation discussion. Nattie and Paige have themselves a match on the Main Event taping (which doesn’t occur before Raw, but E! viewers don’t know that) and Nattie gets the win with a rollup. Backstage, Nattie confronts the Brit and complains about certain sexual antics of Paige’s during the match, including some heavy breathing and crawling around on top of her. Nattie thinks that this is cheap heat and that Paige should be above it. Dustin Rhodes would disagree. Paige promises to knock it off in the future. Yeah, I don’t see that one happening.

Eva and Jonathan head to the Bedford Surgical Center to check out her funbags. Dr. David Kim, plastic surgeon and gentlemen angling for his own spinoff series, gets the lowdown from Eva and feels her up. Dr. Kim notes that the implants are nineteen years old. Wait a minute . . . wait. a. minute. If that’s true, that means Eva got these breast implants when she was ELEVEN YEARS OLD. Shouldn’t that be the real storyline here and not the fact her implants may have to come out? I want to hear more about this backstory. That conservative Catholic family of hers doesn’t seem so conservative anymore.

We are in Los Angeles after a commercial, and it’s brunch time with Nattie, Ariane, and Eva, because there cannot be an episode of this series that does not feature a brunch. All three of them sit on the same side of the table, which is nice because it gives the camera crew some space to spread out. Nattie complains about being mounted during her match with Paige, but it doesn’t go anywhere. After a bit, they are joined by Paige, Alicia, and Rosa, with Paige noting that she and Nattie are going to have a rematch soon. Suddenly, Dr. Kim’s assistant calls Eva Marie and delivers the news that there is silicone in her blood, meaning that he doctor wants those implants to come out. Eva rejoins the meal and doesn’t tell the other girls, because she thinks that this would be the worst time in her career for surgery.

It’s off to Smackdown in Seattle, where Nikki explains the Laff-a-Lympics with Cena to Nattie and Trinity. She gets pissed off when the other two are of the opinion that Cena will destroy her. “Do you really want to compete with Superman?” is Nattie’s line, which outs her as one of the few members of the WWE roster who posts in the 411mania comments section. After some further investigation, I believe that her screen name is “Ron Mexico.”

AJ Lee wrestles Eva Marie, and, the extent to which they have to edit around Eva Marie doing anything in terms of offense is almost embarrassing. I’m actually amazed that the Bunim Murray crew (which puts this show together, not WWE) has such good instincts for when wrestling looks horrible and when it looks halfway decent.

Cena and Nikki are driving, and John promises to get his woman a beehive if she is able to beat him. (And the Slammy for biggest non sequitur goes to . . .) They arrive at their destination, which is a GO KART TRACK. You’d better be careful, guys. A go kart race on this very television series started the personal problems between the Funkadactyls that ultimately lead to the members of that storied team going their separate ways. Anyway, Nikki and John are strapped into their karts and spend more time ramming into each other than they do actually racing, and Cena is across the finish line first thanks to a particularly hard hit. Nikki flips off Cena due to what she dubs “cheating.” Look, Nikki, none of us likes getting taken out with the blue shell, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not part of the game.

Up next, Cena and Bella compete in miniature golf, the batting cages, and ski ball, with Nikki losing each one and throwing a hissy fit not just because of her failure to win but also because Cena is stealing Damien Sandow’s old gimmick and wearing a themed outfit for every event.

Back in LA, Eva drops the bombshell that she has postponed her implant removal surgery, much to Jonathan’s chagrin. Jonathan uses the power of CONTINUITY~! to point out that this is just another thing that his wife has hidden from him for no good reason, building off of the childbearing storyline from last week. I’ve been taking Jonathan’s side in these disputes from the beginning of the series, but he needs to tread carefully here . . . at a certain point, it becomes your fault for staying with her after her continual lies, because she’s certainly not going to change her spots.

In Miami, it’s time for the finals of the Laff-A-Lympics, and it’s a game of beer pong. When this started off fifteen minutes ago, wasn’t it supposed to be some sort of test of the competitors’ physical prowess? Anyway, Nikki gets Cena (who is dressed as a douchey frat boy) on the ropes, as he’s down to one cup while she has five. Nikki is somehow unaware that John Cena is known for overcoming the odds, and he rallies and beats her while a bunch of “smart” internet fans write this down as another example of how Cena is unjustifiably put over deserving younger talent, clicking their tongues and during off Total Divas in disgust. Nikki flips out because Cena is not gracious in his victory and throws a beer in the man’s face. Yeah, I remember when Yogi Bear did that to Scooby Doo. Bella storms up to the couple’s bedroom and Cena tries to figure out what in the world is wrong. She complains that he wasn’t taking their competition seriously, at which point Cena wonders how anything involving miniature golf and go karts can possibly be taken seriously. Bingo. Nikki comes around and realizes that he’s correct, legitimately says that she’s crazy, and makes up with her man.

So, let me get this straight . . . in one episode we’ve had Nikki Bella admit to being both 1) stupid and 2) a raving lunatic. This is your top babyface of Total Divas, ladies and gentlemen.

Ariane and Eva Marie meet up to go . . . somewhere . . . when Eva gets a call from Creepy Talent Relations Mark. I have never noticed this on the show before, but the backgrounds in this driving seen are so horribly fake and edited in. The two women look like they’re in front of a cheap green screen. In any event, Mark was calling Eva because he got a voicemail from Jonathan and wants to know why. Eva promises that it is never going to happen again, though she somehow gets out of the conversation without explaining her medical situation. Later in the evening at Casa de Eva, the woman confronts Jonathan about the call, and the argument boils down to, “You shouldn’t interfere with my job!” vs. “You’re being an idiot and I’m trying to make sure you don’t die!” The two just repeat their respective positions about eighteen times, making it sound like a debate between two skipping records.

The Bella Twins and Eva Marie go out for dinner, so I guess the feud between the twins has been resolved out of nowhere. Eva reveals her Twin Leaks, and the Bellas tell her that she needs to stop wrestling immediately, not just because these health issues pose a risk for Eva Marie but also because they pose a risk to her opponents. What, are they afraid that they’re going to slip in a puddle of silicone that has gathered on the mat? Nikki refers back to her stress fracture from a couple of season ago and says that she never should have hidden it and that taking time away didn’t derail her momentum, even though she was hesitant to take the time off. (She neglects to mention the fact that she missed virtually no television appearances despite being hurt.) Eva appreciates the advice and comes to the conclusion that she’s going to get the surgery after all. Poor Jonathan. He is perpetually giving this woman good, solid life advice that is never taken seriously until one of her moron friends says the exact same thing.

We’re off to Houston for another installment of Monday Night Raw, where Paige and Nattie are going over their match for the night. Nattie again tells Paige to keep things PG, to which Paige responds by slapping her in the boob like she was Big E Langston. We’ve got footage from the bout – which is again on the not-actually-taped-before-Raw WWE Main Event – and Paige licks Nattie’s face during a resthold. They even do a worked shoot spot in the match in which the lick causes Nattie to “break character” and immediately get out of the hold. The Total Divas crew tries to edit the match and the commentary together after this point to give the impression that the women are particularly intense after the lick spot, but, honestly, it’s just a standard issue women’s wrestling match.

There’s another confrontation between the two backstage after the bell, and Paige tries to justify her actions based on the crowd reaction. Nattie says that Paige shouldn’t be seeking that kind of reaction because she’s a heel. Wait a minute . . . licking your opponent against her will while she is incapacitated is a babyface move? Who taught Nattie about heel/face psychology? Bill Cosby? (Sorry, low hanging fruit.) Anyway, out of literally nowhere, Nattie turns on a dime and changes her mindset, deciding that she and Paige can work together and find a middle ground between their wrestling philosophies. Then Nattie gropes her.

Eva Marie goes in for her surgery, and it’s not just the silicone implants going out . . . it’s also saline replacements going in. Eva’s mother is there, presumably because she is the one who paid for the original implants nineteen years ago when they were placed into her preteen daughter. Going back to fifth grade after that surgery must have been rough. As far as the current surgery is concerned, very little of Eva in the clinic is actually shown, and we’re almost immediately shoved off to her leaving the facility with her mother behind the wheel. Rather than going home, the couple got a hotel room in Hollywood because it was closer to the site of the operation. Apparently the procedure went well, but Eva is obviously in quite a bit of pain. While she’s doped up and laid out in bed wearing her NXT hoodie, Eva admits to her husband that he was right about her needing to take the time off. That is where the episode ends.

It is jarring to see the logo of NXT, a wrestling series that has been so critically acclaimed for its in-ring action over the last year, on Eva Marie of all people. Technically, in the WWE hierarchy, Eva Marie and KENTA are on the same level. Eva Marie . . . and KENTA. My brain has difficult processing that.

Overall: In some ways, this was the least painful episode of the season so far. Even though some of the characters – particularly Eva Marie and Nikki Bella – were portrayed as being morons, they at least had consistent motivations and actual arcs in their development as people during the course of the episode. Also, after this was a substantial problem early in the series, things have gotten much better in the terms of the pacing of the episodes, as the individual storylines are given sufficient amounts of screen time and the cuts back and forth between them are nowhere near as rapid fire. Of course, being a better than average episode of Total Divas doesn’t mean that this is a good television show. The protagonists are still largely unlikeable and the lack of “reality” on this supposed reality show is the worst kept secret perhaps in all of television, even to the point that they’re now using shoddy visual effects.

How man more episodes of this do I have to get through?

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.