The SmarK RAW Rant – June 30 2003

The SmarK RAW Rant – June 30 2003

– Well, what a better way to celebrate Canada Day than with the firing of Roddy Piper and the quitting of Hulk Hogan in the same week? Some may call this a sign of the incompetence on the part of creative, but I say “You’re not trying hard ENOUGH!” That’s right, I want to see Undertaker and HHH storming out of the promotion within the next month, too, and then I’ll truly be happy. While you’re at it, guys, would you mind terribly pissing off Nash & HBK so they’ll go away, too? The possibilities for cheap housecleaning are endless! Goldberg looks like he’ll bail on his own anyway, so no problem there.

– Onto another tangent, as the Prairie Wrestling Alliance will be holding monthly shows here in Edmonton on the NAIT campus, and I imagine I’ll start showing up to recap them, since the people in charge were nice enough to give me advance notice this time. So if you’re here in the City of Champions (pending slogan change, of course) on July 19th and want to check out some of the local stars (many of whom were in Stampede in their last resurrection on TV and who I quite like) and possibly bump into yours truly, check it out. Tickets are $12 in advance or $14 at the door, and you can find their website at www.pwawrestling.ca. I hear that one of the workers is being encouraged by certain Scottish people to wear a “Scott Keith Sux” shirt to the ring, which would obviously make him the biggest heel in the building. We shall see.

– Don’t forget to visit www.theddt.com, and celebrate the second-best holiday after Canada Day – Albert Day!

– Live from Buffalo Wings, NY, except of course on TSN where they just HAD to show the last minute of the Ti-Cats v. Argos game, just in case the Cats came back from 49-8 in the last minute and won the game.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– We join things in progress with Jericho interviewing Scott Steiner and hitting on Stacy. We take a look at Stacy’s layout from Stuff magazine and he declares himself the “King of Bling Bling” and a legend in the sack. Jericho’s legendary small dick is brought up in what I guess passes for witty double entrendre these days. Actually, she just said outright that he has a small penis, which isn’t even a SINGLE entendre. In fact, there’s no sort of entendre at all. Test & Jericho try a heel beatdown on Steiner, unsuccessfully, but Bischoff interrupts anyway to announce that Austin isn’t here tonight and he’ll be defining his legacy now and stuff. The first match of the Bischoff era: Jericho & Test v. Steiner & Stacy. But who’s the worst worker in the match? It’s a tossup. I mean, as long as Stacy just stands on the apron, the worst she’s gonna finish is second in that competition.

– They’re still advertising Piper for the house shows here in Alberta, by the way.

– Lance Storm tries to read a prepared statement about the definition of boring, but Goldberg interrupts (oh, the irony).

– Lance Storm v. Goldberg. No match, as Rodney Mack attacks Goldberg and gets laid out for his troubles. According to JR, the jackhammer is now called the jackknife. SOMEONE CALL NASH.

– Meanwhile, Bischoff consoles towel-headed Kane, and offers him a rematch against HHH tonight. Kane refuses, so RVD gets the match instead.

– Women’s title, battle royale: This is like my nightmare match. We’ve got Trish, Victoria, Jazz, Ivory, Molly, Jackie and Gail Kim. No one cares about Kim, by the way. Usual big brawl to start, as Kim gets a rana on Victoria and Molly breaks it up . Molly goes onto the apron, but gets back in. Ivory is catapulted out by Molly. There goes that push. Victoria tries to put Trish out, but she fights loose. Victoria powerslams Kim, and Jazz suffers some sort of injury off-camera, looks pretty bad. Molly gets shoved off the apron and Victoria backdrops Jackie out, leaving Trish, Victoria & Kim. Victoria fights them off, but Trish kicks her down and tries to put her out. Trish hammers away in the corner, but the handstand rana is blocked by Victoria. A catapult sends Kim into Trish, knocking her out. Victoria pounds on Kim in the corner, but a rana attempt is reversed by Kim and she wins the title at 4:05. Crowd pops a bit for the title change, but Kim did nothing of note to distinguish herself and the match was terrible. I don’t rate battle royales. Probably too much too soon, but it’s not like the title means anything anyway.

– Intercontinental title: Christian v. Booker T. Christian attacks without even doing his entrance and brawls with Booker on the floor, sending him into the stairs, but Booker comes back and they brawl into the crowd while referees fruitlessly try to break it up. Dean Malenko! Whoo! Anyway, we take a break while order is restored. What, am I watching Saturday Night’s Main Event now? So anyway, we return with the ball having sounded, and Christian choking away in the corner. Booker backdrops him for two. Christian necksnaps him to come back and brings a shout-out to his peeps, but apparently there’s none of them in Buffalo. Well, their hockey team sucks anyway, what do they know? Christian gets a dropkick for two. Did you know that Canadians control all the secondary titles on RAW now? Christian hits the chinlock and steps on his head, and a neckbreaker gets two. Back to the chinlock. Booker makes the comeback and slugs away after a spinkick, but misses a sidekick and crotches himself. Backbreaker gets two for Christian. Back to the chinlock. Booker escapes, but hits elbow, and Christian goes up and gets greeted with a sidekick coming down. Forearm puts him down and a suplex gets two for Booker. Back kick gets two. Christian goes to the eyes, but Booker rolls him up for two. BookEnd is blocked, and Christian tries the Unprettier, but Booker escapes and his axe kick misses. Christian rolls him up for two. Booker flapjacks him and stops for a Spinarooni (always a bad sign), but Christian dumps him. Booker axe kicks him on the ropes and goes up, but Christian crotches him and follows him up. Superplex, but Booker does the Dynamite Kid counter and wins the title at 8:19. BUT WAIT. Bischoff points out that both shoulders were down, so the match is a draw. Wow, Dusty Rhodes lives. And how exactly was Booker screwed? His shoulders were clearly down, it’s his own fault. And this Christian Honky Tonk Man push where the fans are theoretically supposed to be rabid to see him finally lose isn’t working. Match was better than the PPV, although not by much until the finish. **1/2

– Meanwhile, RVD assures Kane that the fans will accept him without the mask, no matter how much like Warlord he looks. Kane, however, hates the fans…and RVD, although he doesn’t say that part until Rob leaves, presumably to build dramatic tension so that WE know that Kane will turn on Rob tonight and cost him the title, but Rob doesn’t. But of course there’s two flaws with that logic: 1) This assumes that no one is watching the show and therefore can’t tell RVD, and 2) RVD is generally too stoned to care about much past what’s for dinner anyway.

– Chris Jericho & Test v. Scott Steiner & Stacy. People who should NOT wear short tights, part 1049: Test. Stacy, of course, should ALWAYS wear them. Although, in a fashion faux pas, she appears to be wearing Gail Kim’s pants. Steiner overpowers Jericho to start. Powerslam gets two. Clothesline and pushups and Steiner flips out on the ref for counting one, allowing Jericho to bring Test in. He walks into an inverted atomic drop and Steiner chops away in the corner, but Test calls for time, allowing Test to send Steiner out for some abuse by Jericho. Back in, Test stomps away and chokes him out as the crowd dies. Jericho misses a charge, and JR suddenly declares Test a “WWE main event star” for reasons that totally escape me. Maybe it was during that main events that X-Pac worked in. Jericho hits the chinlock as Stacy calls for the hot tag, but Steiner makes his own comeback with an overhead suplex on Jericho and clotheslines on Test. More chops and presses Jericho into Test and tosses him, and dodges Test’s big boot. Stacy adds her part by bouncing the ropes, and Steiner’s inverted DDT gets two. Heel beatdown on Steiner and Jericho tosses the ref for the DQ at 7:03. BUT WAIT! Dusty Bischoff declares the match CONTINUES as no-DQ. Oh, goodie, let’s beat that concept into the ground, too. So we continue as Steiner brings Test down and hammers away and JR AGAIN calls Test a main event star. Is this the new company line or something? Jericho clocks Steiner with a chair and Test brings Stacy in with a forced tag, and the pumphandle slam (edited out by TSN) gets the pin at 8:22. Yeah, okay, Test is a bad person, no one cares. Brutally long match as Steiner was gone a couple of minutes in and Jericho couldn’t carry three people. Ѕ*

– Hey, look, it’s Scotsman’s preview for EWR 4.0. But it sucks, so don’t bother going there, unless you enjoy having your intelligence insulted. http://www.scotsmanality.com/article.php?story=20030630183147597

– Rico v. Maven. Rico’s dead after that debut last week. He pats Maven’s ass to start and does some gymnastics off a wristlock. Do you THINK he might be playing it gay? Just in case we didn’t get it, he pulls his room key out of his tights and gives it to Maven. Maven tries a sunset flip, but Rico counters by enthusiastically sitting on his face for two. A kiss counters the headlock (as if Ren & Stimpy weren’t bad enough), but Jackie trips up Maven and Rico stomps away. He prances with the ref and then gets his kicks in the corner and straddles Maven for two. Maven comes back with a manly corner clothesline and a leg lariat, but Jackie gets pulled into the ring. Bulldog gets two for Maven. Maven goes up again, but Jackie shoves him down and Rico finishes with the spinkick at 4:45. This gimmick is DOA. Ѕ* You’d think that with more negative publicity recently than normal, they wouldn’t start rolling out gay-bashing gimmicks again, but what do I know?

– Randy Orton (with increasingly cool video and music) v. Tommy Dreamer. When you need a new star put over big, call Tommy. Long lockup to start, and I mean insanely long, and they both end up rolling out of the ring while still fighting over it, and they slug it out. Tommy wins that, but gets whipped into the stairs. Orton pounds him on the apron and punts him in the face. Back in, Orton slaps him around in the corner and whips him to the other corner. That gets two. He charges and hits boot, and Dreamer comes back with a backdrop. Spinebuster gets two as the bored crowd starts chanting for ECW. Legdrop misses , but Dreamer gets the DDT for two. Dreamer goes after Flair, but walks into the RKO (good name!) and gets pinned at 4:19. I doubt anyone will get the reference, but I LOVE the name. For those who don’t know, it’s both a play on “TKO”, a reference to the RKO movie studio, which most notably released Citizen Kane many moons ago before getting bought out by Lucille Ball’s Desilu Studios. Anyway, match sucked and Orton should have OBLITERATED Dreamer to get him over. ј*

– Meanwhile, Bischoff remembers that Terri once gave Kane advice, so he sends her to talk sense into him.

– RAW tag titles: La Resistance v. The Hurricane & Spike Dudley. Another try for Hurricane, and I guess it’s only upwards from Slaughter no matter who he picks. Dupree does some prancing to start, but Hurricane takes him down with a fireman’s carry and does his own prancing. Spike comes in with a rana and headbutts Grenier to set up a neckbreaker that gets two. He brings Grenier into the corner with a headscissors and stomps away in the corner while the crowd apparently sees Lance Storm. Spike gets backdropped to the floor, giving Grenier two back in the ring. He hits the chinlock, but Spike fights free and bulldogs him. Theoretical hot tag to Hurricane, who hiptosses Dupree to the floor and gets a crossbody on Grenier for two. Why does JR keep up with this “They know how to fall my butt” crap when we’ve SEEN them TRAINING these guys to fall on Tough Enough? It’s Bonzo Gonzo and Hurricane tries the chokeslam, but gets dumped and Spike is finished at 3:47. Bad, boring squash. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Terri heads into the bowels of the building to find Kane, but he’s gone. DRAMA!

– RAW World title: HHH v. RVD. HHH attacks to start and they slug it out, leading to a high knee from HHH that gets two. HHH slugs away, but Rob gets a leg lariat and they slug it out again. Rob monkey-flips him after a scary stiff kick to the face, and a mule kick gets two. Another sick kick gets two. Geez, did he get some bad weed tonight? Dropkick gets two. HHH gets dumped and Rob baseball slides him, and they brawl outside. Rob hits him with a quebrada, as Flair joins us at ringside. JR acts all shocked that HHH’s manager would head down to the ring. We take a break and return with HHH bailing again. Flair and RVD mess up their cue as it looked like Flair was supposed to trip him up on the way back in, but HHH clips him anyway and starts working on the leg. Oh yeah, that’ll get the crowd going. HHH clips him again and keeps working the leg. He goes to the Indian deathlock, which STILL isn’t over. Seriously, someone send this guy a memo or something. That lasts forever, as Lawler worries that Rob will have to tap out. Yeah, he’ll tap out to an Indian deathlock, that’ll really help his career. JR & King really go over the top selling the move like a UFC submission or something. HHH goes to the figure-four while the crowd pays more attention to Flair. This is nuts, they’ve been doing nothing but laying on the mat for like 4 minutes now. Rob turns it over to escape, but runs into a boot. The crowd is SILENT. Rob comes back with kicks and a crossbody for two. Spinkick gets two. Misses totally, but I’m just hoping for a finish at this point. Moonsault gets two, but Flair interferes and Rob goes after him. Back in, Pedigree is reversed into a catapult by Van Dam. Rob goes up with the frog splash, but Flair hits him with the belt for the DQ. BUT WAIT. Bischoff interrupts again and the match MUST CONTINUE, with no DQ. Well, that makes the finish kind of obvious. Bischoff then changes it again to falls count anywhere, and Rob splashes him for two. Orton runs in and gets fought off, as HHH heads up the ramp to escape. Pedigree on the ramp is reversed again by RVD, and Rolling Thunder gets two. Rob fights off another 3-on-1 beatdown, but HHH hits him with the belt for the pin at 19:14. 20 minutes for THAT finish? *1/2 The very bald Kane heads out, but amazingly doesn’t turn on RVD, and instead chokeslams Bischoff off the stage. Been there, done that. I like how HHH gets to work in ANOTHER pin on both Kane & RVD in consecutive weeks, though.

The Bottom Line:

Positives: No Kevin Nash! Whoo!

Um, that’s all I’ve got. The rest was a total yawnfest with a series of blatant screwjob finishes and HHH beating the odds to retain his title yet again. But hey, if you’re into gay guys and Booker blowing the big match time after time, this was YOUR show.