Wacky Entertainment Theory 10.30.08: Pro-Wrestling at the Movies

With that odd rumor going around that Vince McMahon wants to eliminate the word ‘wrestling’ from pro-wrestling altogether, there has never been a better week to talk about the connection between pro-wrestling and the movies. In fact, it may only be a matter or time until we are just watching mini-movies about wrestling themed drama on Monday nights rather than actual matches.

And let’s be honest here, the WWE, or TNA for that matter, hasn’t really cared about displaying fantastic wrestling matches on a regular basis, instead they have a hard-on for producing pro-wrestling-like television that is mainly serialized drama, campy speeches and scantily clad women. I mean; it’s not like we’re watching ROH matches for two hours a week. Hell, even ROH might not be putting on televised ROH matches in the future, if the rumors about the company changing to focus on ‘characters’ have any weight.

Well, speaking of Ring of Honor, they were one of the hosts earlier this year for the filming of the ‘holy grail’ of pro-wrestling movies, the thoughtful and serious, Oscar baiting, ‘The Wrestler,’ from director Darren Aronofsky. We’re told that this movie deals with the intellectual struggle of an aging wrestler looking for one last big payday on the tough and depressing indy scene. The movie is gaining critical acclaim, surprisingly for script and acting, two aspects pro-wrestling is often considered to produce at culture’s lowest level.

Although I haven’t seen the movie or the script yet, I have to wonder how much the ‘face’ or ‘heel’ have to assault women to create heat, as has been the main ‘go to’ narrative element of all major pro-wrestling feuds in 2008. I would guess that this storytelling device that is so praised by wrestling fans couldn’t be the crutch of a real filmmaker and professional storyteller.

Let’s face it; popular pro-wrestling these days is about shock and schlock value. So I don’t know why we should be forced into respecting a movie like ‘The Wrestler’ before it even comes out, yet we have to be ashamed of a completely fun movie like ‘Ready 2 Rumble.’ Neither movie is based on anything authentic about the pro-wrestling universe. Both have elements of pro-wrestling that we are familiar with, the flashy popular, sexed up and silly spectacle that we see on weekly TV, and the journeyman reality of road and rehab stories that shoot interviews have popularized with ‘smart’ fans. Yet, these two movies star actors pretending to be wrestlers and tell stories that are unrelated to real pro-wrestling continuity.

Why not make a movie out of a real event in wrestling history? There have been rumors in the past of making a dramaticized version of the Montreal Screw Job story (although ‘The Jesse Ventura Story’ already kind of did that). Personally, I think there is another backstage encounter that deserves to be the centerpiece for a dramatic recreation of fake wrestling reality, and that’s the post-Wrestlemania 15 hug between Stone Cold and The Rock, as described in The Rock’s autobiography, ‘The Rocks Says…’

So I now present to you the opening pages from the script for that movie:

SCENE. INT. LOCKER ROOM. LATE EVENING.

Inside the back room of an arena, there is a party going on. We can see that this is a sporting venue because of the framed photographs on the wall featuring great moments in boxing, hockey and basketball. The room is mostly filled with large, athletic men. The smiles and high five-ing indicate, without a doubt, that this is some kind of championship celebration.

The brightly lit, low roofed room is tight but there is enough space for us to squeeze through. We pass by three black and white stripe-shirted referees, a group of four suit wearing executives with blazers off and sleeves rolled up, and then a couple of shirtless muscle-y guys, hair wet and towels around their shoulders, clinking foaming over beer cans in a moment of cheers.

Interspersed throughout the celebrating crowd are giddy young men, all wide-eyed and tiny by comparison to the bigger, shirtless men. These fanboys keep a distance from the more glowing stars because of a buffer zone of cameramen and semi-professional looking reporters.

In one corner of the room, a very tall and bulky man lifts up his red and black zebra stripped mask to take a sip from a champagne flute. He is talking to a thick jawed, muscular woman in training pants and a skimpy leather bikini top. Two giddy fans take their picture, yet the couple ignores them.

In walks a golden skinned and gloss sweaty man whose chiseled physique is on full display in an outfit of only spandex briefs and shin high black boots. The party roars and THE ROCK flashes his huge, movie star smile.

He is quickly joined by his wife. They embrace.

WIFE
Congratulations.

THE ROCK
(charming laugh)
But I lost!

THE ROCK is given his sunglasses from an unseen hand, and he is smiling that giant charming smile, as he begins saying something to a gathering crowd with his arm around his beaming wife. We hear only the music of celebration and the cheerful exuberance of the crew celebrating a victorious moment in their collective and familial careers.

Camera flashes are strobbing the room. A pop of a champagne bottle can be heard. The bellowing voice of VINCE MCMAHON is in the background lecturing jovially about something inconsequential but most likely narcissistic.

The same door that THE ROCK entered, opens again and this time a more stalky and stout, bald and fiercely pale looking bruiser scowls into the room. He is also freshly sweating and wearing only wrestling tights and boots. His entrance is not met with the same cheer, but more of a palid salute and nervous applause.

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN stares sniper at THE ROCK. Those party goers who had not taken notice at first, pick up on the nervous buzz in the room.

THE ROCK, not losing his cool demeanor, motions to the door.

THE ROCK
Okay, everybody out. The party’s over.

There is a moment of quizzical confusion. The crowd seems to want to cling to this rare moment of celebration.

VINCE MCMAHON
You heard the man, let’s give these boys some privacy.

Like a hypnotist, the statuesque MCMAHON leads the party out the door. THE ROCK’s WIFE kisses her husband on the cheek before getting swept up in the exiting tide.

Quickly, only THE ROCK and STONE COLD remain. STONE COLD seemingly hasn’t budged since he first set up base staring at THE ROCK.

THE ROCK, still smiling, now with a serious tinge, without hesitation walks up to STONE COLD and gives him a massive, booming hug. In an instant, STONE COLD submits to the gesture of respect and wraps his arms around THE ROCK.

THE ROCK
(whispering)
Thank you.

STONE COLD
(gruffly)
I love you man.

END SCENE.

THREE MONTHS EARLIER…

SCENE. INT. PACKED ARENA. EVENING.

More than 20,000 fans, in the round, are screaming with violent emotion. At the center of their attention is a wrestling ring. In the center of that square stage, THE ROCK is using his full power to strike the prone body of STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN with a folded up steel chair.

THE ROCK relents for a moment and looks to the crowd. Although he still smiles like a handsome, happy hero, the crowd jeers with such violence that you think they all want to rush the ring and punch him in the face personally.

—-

Corrections: Two weeks ago, I mistakenly referred to the man behind wheel of the phenomenal monster truck Gravedigger as Derek Anderson, but his name is Dennis Anderson. I also wrote the word ‘alter’ for ‘altar’ and assumed that the Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak was at 17-0, and not the correct 16-0.

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