The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 10.23.08

OPENING THOUGHTS

The highlight of my Tuesday nights is not ECW programming. Granted, I do enjoy the show and out of the entire wrestling week, it’s the show I catch the most often. But if I could only watch one program on a Tuesday night, I would most certainly skip ECW and devote my life to the show following ECW: Scare Tactics. From what I read on Wikipedia (the most reliable source ever!), the show’s been around since 2003. Now, I only started watching the show recently so (like NBC used to tote) since I haven’t seen it, it’s new to me!

For those who have yet to watch Scare Tactics, let me tell you what you’re missing. Like Hell Date and other reality prank shows, Scare Tactics relies on really stupid people being lured to a remote location only to suffer cliché horror pranks. And if that doesn’t sound good enough, it’s hosted by Astronaut Jones! Not only does Brian Fellow have enough time to interview animals (“Say Hi to Your Mother for me”), he segues us into each of these terrors with awful jokes. I’ll be the first to admit I love trashy reality programming (I will be a proud owner of the “I Love Money” DVD) but this one almost takes the cake.

My favorite part: at the end of each prank, the victims are asked if they are scared. When they say yes, the pranksta states “Don’t be, you on Scare Tactics!” And the victims are like “oh shizzle, we are on that awesome show.” Now I don’t know about you, but I have never heard of the show until recently. How do all these people know of the show! It’s like if I were to go and videotape me making out with unsuspecting ladies and when the cops come to arrest me, I would be like “Don’t be frettin’, you on Khali Kiss Kam!” And then everything would be comme ci comme ca… yeah, right, if that really were to happen, I’d be experience Heidenrape in jail.

In summary, I officially have no life on Tuesdays. And on Wednesdays (due to this writing obligation). And so forth. Kudos to my boy Kegger who got married this past weekend. Now if only I could find a woman who loves Khali as much as me…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Keep waiting…

Yes, Yes…

KHALI!!!!!

As promised, this week, I will uncover the real secrets behind Khalism – the religion of the followers of the Great Khali. In addition to learning the history behind the Great Khali, I will also describe what it takes every day to become a devout follower. Let’s start with the great secret doctrine of Khalism.

75 million years ago, the Great Khali ruled over the entire galaxy. While he loved this job, he believed his galaxy was overpopulated as he hated waiting on line for his daily six chickens. He rounded up the other fake wrestlers and had them frozen. He loaded these bodies onto airplanes and transported them to Earth, where they were thrown into the volcanoes of the Punjabi. While the bodies died, the souls tried to escape to the Heavens. However, Khali was awaiting the souls as he had tons of soulcatchers in the sky ready to vacuum the souls and place them in a soul-brainwashing facility (which Khali built on earth with his bare hands). At the facility, the souls were brainwashed into learning how to wrestle the correct way (overhead chops, choke bombs, big boots). Once the souls were ready to leave, they wandered the earth looking for able bodies. (Yes, this is what Khalitics really believe).

All was well in the world until the dawning of the World Wrestling Entertainment empire. You see, the majority of souls latched onto wrestlers since that’s what they were brainwashed to do. Unfortunately for Khali, the wrestlers developed new more exciting ways to wrestle. Moves such as planchas, 450 splashes, and the heart punch took the place of Khali’s simplified offense… until 2006! In 2006, the Great Khali grew tired of watching this inferior style of wrestling (Khali’s brain is so large it takes 300 years before a single thought is processed) and wanted to change the face of wrestling. Not only did Khali want to show off his moveset, he also wanted to rid the wrestlers of their souls forever. How so? Take a look below:

Brain massage or riding the world of frozen souls? You decide.

Yes while you all believe that the Great Khali is in wrestling for the money or the poontang, he actually has a much larger mission at hand. Ahem, so now, you probably are thirsting for more Khali knowledge. Well, the next step is to fully immerse yourself in Khalism. Here’s how to do that:

The key to Khalism is something known as RealUltimatePower! If you don’t believe that the Great Khali has Real Ultimate Power, you better go read CSONKA or else Khali will chop your head off!

And that’s pretty much it. For those of you who have made it this far, congrats! For this might be the worst piece of writing you have encountered on this website since Wethersfield’s last column. And with this out of the way, let’s get on with the news.

WHAMMY!!!

In today’s Small-For-All, we discuss new WWE terminology, the real reason why Lance Cade was released, which wrestler the WWE wants to keep skinny, who has the better DVD: Kane or Edge, and perhaps even discuss this weekend’s PPV. All this and TNA!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

We As Entertainers

From pwINSider, “World Wrestling Entertainment informed all of their announcers this week to refer to their talent as “entertainers” as opposed to wrestlers or even Superstars, effective immediately.

According to numerous sources, the decision is part of an organized plan of attack towards getting WWE as a company re-classified as an entertainment touring event, as posed to a legitimate sporting event.

The internal hope within WWE management is that by doing this, they will take power away from the Athletic Commissions in certain States and keep the company from having to pay taxes on their events.

Obviously, this would also have the company benefit of preventing WWE from being held to the letter of the law in States like Georgia, who’s Athletic Commission is looking at putting stricter restrictions on the professional wrestling industry following the Chris Benoit incident.”

So much to wonder: I wonder what the WWE Universe has to think about the name change. I wonder what our Rated R Entertainer has to say about needing new merchandise. Hell, I wonder what Cedric the Entertainer has to think with so many other jabronis now being classified like him.

Honestly, none of this is new. Over the last few years, the WWE has tried their hardest to change the way we view their programming. Here’s a list of what’s been changed over the years:

BAD:wrestling, wrestler, road agent, booker, fans
GOOD:Sports entertainment, entertainer, producer, creative, WWE universe

Of course, this won’t be the last change the WWE will make. For a little while, there was a rumor that the word “belt” would be going away but that didn’t last. In the end, this will have little impact on us. But for the company, if this leads to the Georgia Athletic Commission getting off Vince McMahon’s back, then more power to him.

Cade’d

According to Dot Net, “Lance Cade was released from WWE because company officials believe prescription pill abuse led to the seizure he suffered on a commercial flight. The feeling was that because the incident occurred in public and became a life and death situation, it warranted a punishment more severe than the standard Wellness Policy suspensions.

The airline attendants didn’t recognize Cade and had no way of knowing what caused the seizure. Lillian Garcia, who was traveling on the same flight, told them his name and informed them that he is a professional wrestler. He was rushed to the hospital and was still incoherent when he arrived, so he underwent a series of tests because the medical staff wasn’t sure whether the seizure was caused by an athletic injury.”

After news broke on Cade’s release last week, JR clarified that it was Cade who made a mistake large enough to warrant his termination. While some of us would have liked to see an unforeseen medical condition cause Cade’s seizure (which would have gotten him back in the company), it seemed unlikely. With all the testing the WWE does now, I doubt they would have overseen a medical condition. Rather, it seems as if Cade was dealing with some sort of pain and made the incorrect decision to overdose. Here’s hoping that Cade seeks some help/learns from his mistakes as I would be shocked if the WWE does not give Cade another shot in the future. For now, he will be stuck tagging with Trevor Murdoch on the indy circuit.

Flair Flops

Ric Flair stated this week that he has been getting offers for a return match in Japan. However, his promise to Shawn Michaels (of his last match) is getting in the way. Personally, I’m happy that he’s staying retired as he ended his career with a great match/great farewell the following night. Nothing will top it. Not even a match in Japan against the A-Train. In addition, Flair was not in great wrestl… sorry entertaining condition during his final WWE run so I’m pretty sure he’s digressed since then.

In addition, he stated that his son Reid is about a year away from entering the WWE. According to Dot Net, “The feeling within WWE is that Reid has a lot of growing up to do. “He has a lot of maturity issues and he’s had them his whole life,” noted one source. The source also stated that Reid has had a number of behavioral issues over the years and while the company would love to feature the son of the Nature Boy, the feeling is that he would be more trouble than he’s worth.”

If Reid can get his shit together and not suck as hardcore as his brother David, Reid has the luxury of an immediate storyline on the roster (as part of the next generation stable). Also, behavioral issues didn’t stop the WWE from hiring Teddy Hart (though he didn’t last long) so I can’t see why that would stop them from taking a chance on Reid.

When Wellness Attacks

According to the Wrestling Observer, “WWE officials have spoken with Manu (a/k/a Afa Jr.) about keeping his weight under control. The goal is to keep his weight around 260 lbs.”

In order to keep him at his ideal weight, I’d hire back Ashley Massarro as Manu’s driving buddy. Hell, looking at her, I could barely keep any of my food down.

Tale of 2 DVD Sets

In the recent days, the match listings for both the upcoming Edge DVD (December 23rd) and the Kane DVD (December 9th) has been released. Let’s take a look at both to decide which one’s really worth your money.

Twisted Life of Kane Matches
* Special Challenge Match – Mankind vs. Kane (with Paul Bearer) – Survivor Series November 9, 1997
* Undertaker vs. Kane (with Paul Bearer) – WrestleMania XIV March 29, 1998
* Inferno Match – Undertaker vs. Kane (with Paul Bearer) – In Your House: Unforgiven April 26, 1998
* First Blood Match for the WWE Championship – Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Kane (with Paul Bearer) – King of the Ring June 28, 1998
* WWE Tag Team Championship Match – X-Pac / Kane vs. Jeff Jarrett / Owen Hart – RAW April 5, 1999
* Steel Cage Match – Kane (with Tori) vs. X-Pac – Armageddon December 12, 1999
* Last Man Standing Match – Chris Jericho vs. Kane – Armageddon December 10, 2000
* Triple Threat Tag Team Championship Match – Edge / Christian vs. Undertaker / Kane vs. Dudley Boyz – No Way Out February 25, 2001
* WWE Intercontinental Championship Chain Match – Triple H vs. Kane – Judgment Day May 20, 2001
* Kane vs. Kurt Angle – WrestleMania X8 March 17, 2002
* World Heavyweight Championship vs. Intercontinental Championship Match – Triple H vs. Kane – No Mercy October 20, 2002
* Rob Van Dam / Kane vs. Chris Jericho / Christian – RAW January 6, 2003
* Steel Cage Match – Rob Van Dam vs. Kane – RAW September 8, 2003
* Last Man Standing Match – Shane McMahon vs. Kane – Unforgiven September 21, 2003
* Ambulance Match / The Final Encounter – Shane McMahon vs. Kane – Survivor Series November 16, 2003
* “Til Death Do Us Part Match” – Matt Hardy vs. Kane – SummerSlam August 15, 2004
* No Disqualification Match – Shawn Michaels vs. Kane – Unforgiven September 12, 2004
* No Holds Barred Match – Kane vs. Gene Snitsky – RAW January 17, 2005
* Steel Cage Match – Kane vs. Edge – RAW July 18, 2005
* Stretcher Match – Kane vs. Edge – RAW July 25, 2005
* Kane vs. Umaga – RAW September 18, 2006
* Undertaker / Kane vs. King Booker / Finlay – SmackDown! December 22, 2006
* Kane vs. King Booker – No Way Out February 18, 2007
* First Ever Belfast Brawl – Kane vs. Finlay – SmackDown! September 14, 2007
* Champion vs. Champion – Kane vs. Undertaker – SmackDown! April 4, 2008

In addition to the above matches, you get both the Wrestlemania 24 battle royal and his epic encounter with Chavo Guerrero at the big show!

Edge – A Decade of Decadence Matches

* Breakdown September 27, 1998 – Edge vs. Owen Hart
* Terri Invitational Tournament- Ladder Match – New Brood vs. Edge & Christian – No Mercy October 17, 1999
* Triangle Ladder Match for the World Tag Team Championship – Dudley Boyz vs. Hardy Boyz vs. Edge & Christian – WrestleMania April 2, 2000
* WWE Intercontinental Championship: Lance Storm vs. Edge – SummerSlam August 19, 2001
* Championship Unification Match: IC vs. US – Edge vs. Test – Survivor Series November 18, 2001
* Edge vs. Mr. Perfect – Sunday Night Heat March 3, 2002
* Hair vs. Hair Match: Kurt Angle vs. Edge – Judgment Day May 19, 2002
* Steel Cage Match: Kurt Angle vs. Edge – SmackDown! May 30, 2002
* World Tag Team Championship: Billy & Chuck vs. Edge & Hollywood Hulk Hogan – SmackDown! July 4, 2002
* Edge vs. Eddie Guerrero – Unforgiven September 22, 2002

* Injury – Return! – WWE Intercontinental Championship: Randy Orton vs. Edge – Vengeance July 11, 2004
* Street Fight: Shawn Michaels vs. Edge – RAW February 28, 2005
* Gold Rush Tournament Final: Kane vs. Edge – RAW May 16, 2005
* Street Fight: Matt Hardy vs. Edge – RAW August 29, 2005
* WWE Championship: John Cena vs. Edge – New Year’s Revolution January 8, 2006
* Hardcore Match: Mick Foley vs. Edge – WrestleMania 22 April 2, 2006
* Terry Funk, Tommy Dreamer & Beulah vs. Mick Foley, Edge & Lita – ECW: One Night Stand June 11, 2006
* Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship: Rob Van Dam vs. John Cena vs. Edge – RAW July 3, 2006

* WWE Championship: Edge vs. John Cena – SummerSlam August 20, 2006
* Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Edge – RAW February 19, 2007
* Randy Orton vs. Edge – RAW April 30, 2007
* Money in the Bank – Again! – World Heavyweight Championship Match: Undertaker vs. Edge – SmackDown! May 11, 2007
* Last Chance World Heavyweight Championship: Edge vs. Batista – Vengeance June 24, 2007
* World Heavyweight Championship: Edge vs. Rey Mysterio – Royal Rumble January 27, 2008
* Tables, Ladders & Chairs Match For the Vacant World Heavyweight Championship: Undertaker vs. Edge – One Night Stand June 1, 2008
* Hell in a Cell: Undertaker vs. Edge – SummerSlam August 17, 2008

In addition to the matches above, the bonus features include his WWE tryout against Christian and his first Intercontinental title win at a house show in Toronto.

Which Set Should You Buy?

Duh, Edge’s set is a must buy. There are plenty of great matches here and it only skips over the Smackdown Six series. Unfortunately, with the WWE’s policy on Chris Benoit matches, I doubt many of those classics (especially the No Mercy 2002 tag match) will ever see the light of day again. With that said, I’m mostly just glad that the Edge vs. Test match from Survivor Series 2001 is on here. That match ruled.

As for the Kane DVD set, I’m quite pissed it’s missing his awesome match with Albert on Smackdown in 2001. This was during the time that Albert (of all people) was IC Champion and Kane did a great job of putting him over. I’d take that over one of the Shane McMahon matches any day. The other problem with the Kane DVD set is that while he’s a solid and serviceable entertainer, he rarely is involved with those matches that you can watch many times. He’s good in multi-man matches (like TLC/Money in the Bank matches) as his big spots work well in the context of those types of matches. However, in singles matches, a lot of his spots are worked the same way which breeds familiarity.

Now if only Chris Jericho can get a DVD set. Hell, a set of just his feud with Shawn Michaels would warrant a purchase in my book.

Cyber Sunday Preview

Here’s the card for those not in the know:

WWE Title Match: HHH © vs. ???
The WWE Universe Picks the Opponent: Jeff Hardy, Vladimir Kozlov or Jeff Hardy AND Vladimir Kozlov

World Title Match: Chris Jericho © vs. Batista
The WWE Universe Picks the Referee: Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels or Steve Austin

ECW Title Match: Matt Hardy © vs. ???
The WWE Universe Picks the Opponent: Mark Henry, Evan Bourne or Finlay

IC Title Match: Santino Marella © vs. ???
The WWE Universe Picks the Opponent: Goldust, Roddy Piper or The Honky Tonk Man

Pick a Tag Team Match
The WWE Universe Picks the Match – World Tag Team Title Match: Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase © vs. CM Punk and Kofi Kingston or Cryme Tyme vs. The Miz and John Morrison or Jamie Noble and Mickie James vs. William Regal and Layla

Kane vs. Rey Mysterio
The WWE Universe Picks the Match: Falls Count Anywhere, No Holds Barred or 2 of 3 Falls Match

The Undertaker vs. The Big Show
The WWE Universe Picks the Match: Last Man Standing, I Quit, or Knockout Match

Diva’s Halloween Costume Contest
The WWE Universe Picks the Winner

Pre Show – US Title Match: Shelton Benjamin © vs. ???
The WWE Universe Picks the Opponent: MVP, R-Truth, Festus

Seeing as the majority of matches won’t be decided upon until the show, it’s really tough for me to preview this card. Out of all the WWE PPVs, I usually have the least amount of interest in this show as nothing usually happens. Throw in a lackluster build for the show and I won’t even be participating in the Instant Access. On a positive note, at least the comedy match and the old-timers match have been combined into one match this year.

Stay tuned to 411 for live coverage of the show Sunday night!

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Slow week in TNA land as I covered Booker T’s new title last week. In addition, the live show is tonight which will probably lead to a lot of news for next week. This week, I have one interesting article to speak on.

In an interview with Sun Times, Tracy Brooks revealed that she suffers from Erb’s palsy, a condition that affects the nerves in her right arm. Her right arm lacks muscle definition which makes it tough for her to throw a right hand punch and a lot of wrestling moves. No wonder she is booked as the head Knockout ref now. In the article, she credits her mother for making her exercise her arm daily which has lead to accomplish as much as she has. To read the entire article, click here .

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next week, we take a special Small-For-All look at Halloween and also the upcoming election. Until then…

Meehan’s in tomorrow.

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!