The RAWtopsy 12.31.07

by J.D. Dunn December 31, 2007 From Greensboro, N.C.. Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. Randy “My Haircut Does *Not* Make My Head Look Like a Freshly Shorn Scrotum” Orton is already in the ring as we open the show. He promises to be more ruthless and dominant than ever. Um…1-3 on PPV as champ, Randall. A somewhat reserved Jeff Hardy interrupts to bring up the point that he has momentum. Randy claims no one has ever beaten him for the WWE Title, and Hardy sure won’t. Huh? Did Triple H kill someone while I wasn’t looking? I guess Randy just doesn’t want to dwell on losses. He tries to sneak in an RKO, but Jeff reverses it to the Twist of Fate. I never thought I’d say this about a man, but Jeff looks like a total skank. In the back, Jeff and Matt Hardy bump into one another. Matt congratulates Jeff on his success and asks for a title shot if Jeff wins the title. BWAHAHAAHH! What kind of medication *do* they give you when you get your appendix out? Shawn Michaels vs. Mr. Kennedy. Kennedy has apparently promised to beat Shawn in 2007. To the guy in the audience with the sign supporting the troops: great sentiment, poor execution. You need something simple that we can actually read. “Support the Troops” or “Come Home Safe” are fine. Don’t bring a sign that reads: Be it enacted that the fans attending and watching the Monday Night Raw program on December the thirty-first in the year of our Lord two-thousand and seven do hereby… What was I supposed to be doing? Oh, recapping the match. Shawn opens strong, going after Kennedy’s leg and applying a half-crab. Kennedy tackles him to the floor where Shawn gets his brains scrambled. When we come back, Kennedy hits the Facewash. Kennedy misses a swing, and Shawn rides him down into the Christian Crossface. Kennedy elbows out and hangs Shawn in the tree-of-woe. Shawn fights out and gets turned around, but Kennedy superplexes him for two. Shawn comes back with the Usual. The Picture-Perfect Elbow misses, and Kennedy hops into an Oklahoma Roll for two. Pinfall reversal sequence leads to several nearfalls. Shawn elbows out of the Finlay Roll and then out of the Flatliner. Kennedy ducks Sweet Chin Music and hits the Flatliner on the second try to pick up the clean win at 14:28. Kennedy faltered over the last half of 2007 (as I warned when he came over, look it up), but he’s also been held to an impossibly high standard. I can only assume this means they think Kennedy has salvaged his push. His performance here was fine, but all the stuff before the commercial break didn’t really play into anything after the commercial break. **3/4 Triple H, whose shirt is not at all loud and obnoxious, tells Todd Grisham that at least Flair will lose to the best tonight. Vince McMahon and William Regal interrupt his interview to inform him that, if he loses tonight, he will be out of the Royal Rumble. Vince makes a Regal vs. Hornswoggle match in yet another attempt at tough love. In follicle news, Regal has upped the mousse content and looks fabulous. Oh, I’m sorry. I think I’m supposed to call it “product.” Fun with commercials: Welcome to Burger King, where we fuck with our customers for fun! And what’s with the customers in those ads acting like it’s friggin’ crack or something. “GO BACK THERE AND GET ME A WHOPPER! I’LL SUCK YO DICK!” Jillian and Big Dick Johnson ring in the New Year. Ron Simmons provides the punchline. Recap of the good times had with Troops. A brief clip of Hacksaw Duggan eliminating such luminaries as Danny Davis to win the first Royal Rumble 20 years ago. It would be cool to have him qualify 20 years later, but, well… Royal Rumble Qualifier: Umaga vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Umaga pummels Duggan down and hits the buttalanche. Duggan starts spitting up blood. Either that, or he got a head start on New Year’s celebrations by downing a few Bloody Marys. Samoan Spike, and we’re out at 1:19. Total squash. 1/4* Vince McMahon asks Ric Flair if he’s ready to accept retirement as his Lord and Savior. Recap of JBL costing Jericho the WWE Title. John Bradshaw Layfield makes his big return to Raw. Lots of streamers and balloons to mark the occasion. He says…gotta wait for the pyro. He says…more pyro. He opens with…now pyro with the left hand. The main thing to take from this is…okay, seriously? Yadda, yadda, yadda, he can buy and sell us all. If he can’t buy something, he’ll take it through force. Chris Jericho interrupts for a hockey-ish brawl. In the back, JBL is quite upset that Jericho ripped his shirt. He threatens the referees and Sgt. Slaughter. Slaughter’s starting to look like Terry O’Quinn during his Millennium days. Women’s Title, Triple Threat: Beth Phoenix vs. Melina vs. Mickie James. Melina spends the pre-match intros coming up with a plot. You can tell because she’s stroking her invisible beard. Can you believe she was screwed out of a Golden Globe? Speaking of Golden Globes, Beth starts tossing bitches around. She and Mickie botch something horribly. Horribly. I’m not sure what spot was called there, but I’m sure it wasn’t “I’ll flip over and land on my ass and you cover me for two.” The challengers hit a cool double enzuigiri on Vanilla Kong. Melina applies a headscissors and a Vagina Thesz Press. They take turns rolling each other up until Mickie and Melina decide to toss Beth to the floor and fight it out among themselves. Beth returns, tosses Mickie, and finishes Melina with the Fisherman’s Suplex at 4:19. Started sloppy but redeemed itself as it went on. After the match, Mickie has a hurt look on her face. It’s the same look the rest of the NFL gives the New England Patriots. “It’s not fair that you’re so good! Let me win once! Come ooooooooon!” *3/4 William Regal (w/Vince McMahon) vs. Hornswoggle. Regal keeps taking Hornswoggle down, but he refuses to punch him. Vince is upset and gives Regal a pep talk. Hornswoggle goes low… as in to the calf. Regal shoves him down but still can’t punch him. Vince tosses Regal his old brass knuckles, but Regal just can’t bring himself to punch the little guy. Great facial expressions from both guys. Regal is always excellent and playing conflicted (remember his Eugene stewardship?), and Hornswoggle has this, “But I’m your fwend” look on his face. Hornswoggle runs off for the sports entertainment finish. Vince berates Regal for failing him. The multi-millionaire megalomaniac is berating the British tough man for not hitting a helpless midget in the face with brass knuckles. Yep, this is a wrestling show. [N/R] Jeff Hardy vs. Sangria Mezzotint (w/Maria & Carlito). Maria has a cute little hat on this week. I like how she’s been able to maintain her babyface status because everyone knows she’s just too dumb to realize what a douchebag she’s hanging out with. Kind of like Jessica Beil. Jeff dominates and goes up for a Swanton. Randy Orton appears on the monitor and tells Jeff he’s going to have to ring in the new year at an emergency room with his brother Matt. Turns out Randy kicked Matt right in his appendix wound. Oh, that’s just cold. He adds a kick to the head, knocking Matt cold. Jeff runs off for another sports entertainment finish. Well, I’d rather have them on Raw and not a PPV. I think we all saw something coming when Matt showed up. I just assumed Carlito and Santino would beat down Jeff, and Matt would make the save. 1/2* Matt is unresponsive. We can’t deal with that now because… Triple H and Ric Flair talk things over. Flair is a little miffed that Hunter thinks it’s a foregone conclusion that he’ll be going over. Flair says they’ll always be friends, but he wants them both to bring their A-games. This segment was so buddy-cop, man-love-riffic. “You get the shot, you take the shot, Taggart.” “This is dangerous, Ted. Don’t do it. We’ll get Esperanza another way.” “Dammit, I know what I’m doing. We have a chance to catch the biggest drug dealer on the East Coast. That’s worth risking the life of a twice-divorced cop looking at retirement!” “Don’t do that! Don’t do that to yourself, man! You took a wet-behind-the-ears rookie named John Taggart and showed him the ropes, showed him what it really meant to be a police officer. I didn’t have respect for the shield before I met you. I love you, man.” “I promise. As soon as we get Esperanza, we’ll take the Sweet Mary out and go fishing – just you and me. You just promise me you’ll take the shot!” “**Sniff** You got it, man! **sob**” Anyway, it was like that. Only with tights and man-boobs. Triple H vs. Ric Flair. Feeling-out process to start. Hunter gets pissed and steamrolls over Flair. The fans do not like that one little bit. Flair chops his way back, but that’s practically all he can do. Hunter hits the spinebuster. He needs to work in the slingshot suplex and the… whatever Ole used to do. Something involving the arm no doubt. Flair reverses the Pedigree to a backslide for two. Hunter catches him in a sleeper. Flair fights back again and COMES OFF THE TOP! It only gets two. Flair goes for the figure-four but gets shoved into the buckle. Hunter goes for the sleeper again, but Flair gives him a kneebreaker and locks in the figure-four. Hunter makes the ropes. PEDIGREE! Hunter lands on his knee because, well, that’s how you do the Pedigree. He can’t cover in time. William Regal runs down and blasts Flair with the brass knuckles for the DQ at 13:10. I guess Regal’s moral Mendoza line is somewhere between “hitting a helpless midget” and “hitting a guy on Social Security.” The emotion and hype made this feel like a special match, even if it was just another Raw main event designed to lead to something else. The Flair formula worked okay, but it’s clear that the spirit is willing while the flesh is weak. Hunter and Flair hug as we go off the air. **3/4 The 411: Outside of Kennedy going over clean and Orton upping the stakes in the title match, this was about what I expected out of this show. Most of the matches weren’t meant to be good on their own but to build to something else down the line. Nothing wrong with that because why would you waste the good stuff on the New Year’s Eve show? I guess the big question is, now what does Triple H do?