The Smackdown Breakdown — 08.11.06

TIVO ALERT! The Hotel Erotica episode featuring WWE Diva Candice Michelle getting it on airs tonight on Cinemax. Adjust your lives accordingly.

Oh, and if you’re in the Los Angeles area this weekend, go check out Tiffany Shepis in Rolff Kanefsky’s low-budget horror film “The Nightmare Man.” Kanefsky has a real knack for turning out fun films on a low budget. His first film was the self-reflexive “There’s Nothing Out There” with characters who lived off of horror movies years before “Scream” did the same trick. Plus, Tiffany is SMOKING HOT and spends most of the movie in her underwear. Anyone who has seen her in “The Hazing” knows she not only has the best body in Hollywood but is also a very funny actress. GO NOW!

WWE Smackdown
by J.D. Dunn

August 11, 2006

From Nashville, Tenn.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and John Bradshaw Layfield.

The Great Khali and Daivari come out to reject the Undertaker’s offer of a match. Taker comes out to brawl with him. You know, you’d think after the Nathan Jones debacle that Vince would stop buying site unseen. There are at least a dozen guys bouncing around the indies who can put on a great match and have a ton of long-term potential. Instead, we get the freak show element eating up months upon months until Vince realizes, “Hey, wait a minute! This guy sucks!”

Tatanka vs. Gregory Helms.
This is about what you’d expect. Tatanka dominates Helms early. I think JBL’s a little tipsy tonight. Helms hits the Shining Wizard for the win, and the ref misses Tatanka’s leg under the ropes. Tatanka is irate and gets in Charles Ronbinson’s face. *

Vickie Guerrero tries to talk some sense into Chavito, but Chavo has a Guerrero vs. Rey mentality.

In the back, Theordore Long agrees to cancel the Taker/Khali match…and make it for next week instead.

Non-Title: KC James & Idol Stevens (w/Michelle McCool) vs. Paul London & Brian Kendrick.
The champs isolate Stevens’ arm and doubleteam him to death. The same thing happens with James. London suddenly grounds things with a headlock, I assume to allow James & Stevens a chance to regain their bearings. Stevens takes a cheapshot at London to give the rookies the advantage. London takes a beating but slips through Stevens’ legs to make the hot tag. Kendrick is a house of fire, cleaning house on the heels and rolling up Stevens. The ref is tied up with London, unfortunately, allowing James to sneak in and boot Kendrick in the head. Stevens rolls him over with a handful of tights for the win at 5:16. I like James and Stevens as they are an old-school heel team that takes every opportunity they can to cheat. They just need a name (no, not “Teacher’s Pets,” but ripping off the old “Board of Education” name would be good). *3/4

Ashley Massaro and Kristal Marshall get catty while flirting with special guest star Luke Perry who is in town to plug his new show. I don’t know what had more plugs, Perry’s show or his head.

Diva search nonsense. It’s talentless night. Luke Perry says he wants someone who can represent Nashville-style. Sure, where was he when Ray was abusing Donna and shoved her down the stairs! God, I hate Ray. Ashley imitates Stone Cold Steve Austin. Layla does her stripper routine, leading to an impromptu fight between the two. Melina demonstrates her martial arts acumen by getting a five-second “tap out” on some dude, which the crowd finds extremely condescending. Layla gets the crowd’s approval and Dylan’s.

Rey Mysterio promises Vickie that he will try, in Eddy’s name, to avoid conflict with Chavo.

Rey Mysterio vs. Mr. Kennedy.
Rey gets a satellite headscissors early but runs into a back elbow from Kennedy. Kennedy slows things down with a neck twist and then an over-and-under armbar. Rey goes up, but Kennedy shoves his feet out from under him and sets up for the Super Rolling Cradle. Rey battles out of it and counters to a huracanrana. We come back from break to Kennedy going back to the twist. Rey rolls through a sunset flip and hits a seated dropkick. Rey gets two off a crucifix. He sets up for the 619, but here comes Chavo Guerrero. Rey opts to dropkick him instead, triggering a brawl between the two. Vickie Guerrero runs down to break it up, but Chavo knocks Rey into her. Vickie scolds both of them. 12:00-ish. **1/4

King Booker is morose because his subjects have no respect for him, but Queen Sharmell says he can earn their respect when he destroys Batista at Summerslam.

Big Vito vs. Sylvan,
They recycle some footage from last week where Vito worked out in his dress. YES, WE GET IT! Vito wears dresses. People are uncomfortable with it. That’s not a storyline. That’s a personality quirk. Do something with him if you’re going to push him. Vito slaps Sylvan around a bit to start. Sylvan gets freaked out by the thong but hits a Chirac Bottom for two. Vito goes for the Implant DDT, but Sylvan backdrops him. Vito gets it moments later and finishes with the steopover hammerlock at 3:26. 3/4*

Sylvester Turkay (w/Elijah Burke) vs. Anonymous Jobberman
Cole is still on his “bully” kick. Seriously, Mike. Stop it or you’ll kill the guy’s career. Burke makes my day by ripping of Arn Anderson’s “what a goof!” line from the Horsemen rebirth, and he says it exactly like Arn did so you know it’s intentional. Turkay jumps the guy before he gets an introduction. After batting him around a bit, Turkay knocks him out with a spinning backhand and finishes with an armbar at 1:30. After the match, Turkay holds up the jobber while Burke gets his own shot in. Michael Cole “bully” count: 5. 1/4*

Montell Vontavius Porter chows down on a high-class spread and tells Teddy Long to deal with his agent if he wants to sign him.

In the back, Fit Finlay and William Regal make nice. Well, as nice as those two can.

Boogey’s coming back!

Summerslam Card:

Edge vs. Cena (DQ rule waived)
DX vs. McMahons
Flair vs. Foley
Big Show vs. winner of Sabu/Angle/RVD
Hogan vs. Orton
Booker vs. Batista

Batista & Bobby Lashley vs. Fit Finlay & William Regal.
Booker joins commentary for this match. We’re JIP to Batista hitting Finlay with a corner clothesline and tagging in Lashley. Regal tags in and gets his ass kicked in hilarious fashion. Finlay low bridges the ropes and sicks the little bastard on Lashley. Lashley plays face-in-peril, prompting Booker to speculate that Batista is just being lazy by standing on the apron. Lashley powers to his corner, backdropping Finlay over so he can make the hot tag. Batista cleans house on both guys. Lashley comes back in, and the faces hit stereo spears. Batista finishes Regal with the spinebuster at 7:31. Lashley and Batista celebrate with a manly hug. Batista gets on the mic and thanks Booker for holding his title for him, but he’s gonna want it back at Summerslam. **

Final Thoughts: I like that they’re pushing the new talent and all, but the booking was on autopilot this week. It’s no accident that there’s only one Smackdown match scheduled for Summerslam compared with four from Raw (I don’t doubt Lashley vs. Finlay will be added, though). Squash matches and repetitive segments just aren’t enough to get guys over in any real sense. The work was good enough, but the stories need to move forward, not laterally.