411 WWE SmackDown Report – 05.06.04

The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

Hey hey. Thanks again for stopping in. To be quite honest, it’s been damned slow between the Music Report. Which means that, yes, this is about as long as this intro’s going to be. Drink one for me at the celebration party, will ya?

And besides, I have to make some room for quite a few pimps this week…

We start off, as is customary, with the Martin Riggs to my Roger Murtaugh, Stephen Randle, which would then leave Dave Gagnon as Leo Getz. And yes, it’s true – you can read 2/3 of the Axis of Evil together here.

If you’ve ever wanted to be one of The Elite, go here.

The tale that Eric S has to tell about Chavo Sr is a little sad, really.

Triopoly sounds like a variant of Monopoly that I’d actually want to play (since I always get my ass kicked in everything that ends in -opoly). Thanks to Gamble for that bit.

Blottie confirms what I already suspected about God Forbid.

Aww, what the hell…I have to do it….esrever ni skrow etuN

Not only is Dino Zucconi good at verbally smackin’ people around, but he makes a good point about Triple H and Raw. Yeah, I wish it wouldn’t have happened to a fucking excellent match like that one, but it was to be expected because it actually made sense. And it still didn’t take anything away from what had just transpired.

Conley pulls double duty for TNA Xplosion…

…and Wil Helm does the greatest “Misunderstood Masterpieces” ever simply based on its subject.

And finally, your favorite shameless self-promoting whore who turned in the Prince review.

As Jackie Gleason would have said, “And awwaaaayyyyyyyy we go!”

SmackDown – 05.06.04

Show opens with Cole in the ring, introducing us to the footage from the El Paso, TX house show. Eddie Gurrero celebrates by bringing out his wife and kids, then his Mom. After giving Mom roses, Bradshaw is out to drill Eddie and lay him out with the belt. Bradshaw then turns on Eddie’s Mom, who’s crying and pleading with Bradshaw for him to stop. Bradshaw puts the badmouth on her, then his hand on her left shoulder and she drops in pain. Bradshaw hauls ass Eddie is up to scream for EMTs as his family screams outside the ring. Eddie’s Mom is finally stretchered out.

Cole and Tazz are at ringside, both saying that Bradshaw crossed a line. Cole promises an update on Eddie’s Mom once Eddie arrives as we go to:

Commercial. Actually just a trailer for The Day After Tomorrow, which looks…visually spectacular.

Back to TONIGHT: Bradshaw will talk about Eddie’s Mom, Eddie Gurrero and Rob Van Dam vs. The Dudley Boyz, and the Undertaker’s in action! Hot damn! But first:

US Champion John Cena vs. Doug Basham (with Danny Basham) – non-title match
Cena does a rap-promo about Dupree, Judgment Day, The Bashams = gay?, and Oh My God he names the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM~! You called it, Brad!
Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start and Doug shoves Cena but Cena shoves back and gets the high back body drop. Headlock by Cena but Doug gets the shoulders in the corner followed by a beatdown. Cena retaliates with clubs and punches and Doug answers back with…the same. Cena fires back and blocks a DDT near the ropes but Danny pops him one from the outside and Doug gets 2. Doug gets stomps, a bodyslam and a spinning legdrop for 2. Reverse chinlock by Doug but Cena reverses to the sleeper hold only to have Doug reverse into…the same. Cena escapes with a spinning powerbomb. Standing 10 count ensues and Cena is up at 4 to administer the clothesline and the side slam. And then it’s time for (as named by Cena himself) the ALL NEW 5 MOVES OF DOOM – Can’t See Me Taunt, 5 Knuckle Shuffle, Pump Up, kick to the gut and the FU finishes Doug off for 3. Cena celebrates as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to video of last week between the Undertaker and Booker T. Cole and Tazz talk up the Judgment Day match and then introduce:

A video of Booker T going to see Miss Cleo Mama Sangrie in a voodoo shop for answers. Mama Sangrie recommends dirt from an unmarked grave. I’m not making this up.

Back to Chavo Gurrero © (with Chavo “Classic” – HAH! I love it!) vs. “The World” – WWE Cruiserweight Title Match
Classic talks about Eddie’s Mom because, hey, that was his mom, too! Chavo talks about his challenge, which is answered by:

Chavo Gurrero © (with Chavo “Classic” – HAH! I love it!) vs. Jacqueline – WWE Cruiserweight Title Match
I didn’t make that up, either. The Chavos laugh their asses off before Chavo asks if she’s serious, then realizes she is. Chavo tells her that no man can beat him, much less a woman. Chavo tells her to scram with an extra side of innuendo and Jacqueline bitchslaps him one. It’s on now. Chavo gets a takedown, drop toehold and rides her like a pony during an armbar. With Rico and Charlie Haas not on the show, I guess we gotta get it from somewhere. Chavo gets an armdrag and a corner whip but the Stinger Splash misses. Jacqueline gets the right hands and a tilt-a-whirl headscissors. Chavo reverses an Irish whip and gets a spinning back suplex. Chavo asks for belt and Classic gets it for him but behind the referee’s back, Jacqueline nutshots Chavo and rolls him up for 3. And the title. Because WCW never did this with her and Disco Inferno or anything, but I digress. This might have been better with a little build up, but…Jaysis. Jacqueline celebrates up the ramp as the Chavos cry and bitch in the ring. Funny as hell Replay of the referee snatching the belt out of Classic’s hands after Jacqueline won takes us to:

Commercial.

Back to Replay of Jacqueline’s win for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship.

Johnny “The Bull” Stamboli and Nunzio are in the ring and ready for action, but out comes Kurt Angle with Luther Raines (sp?). After being ashamed of the audience for the reaction he got last week, he reiterated that he promised the Undertaker in action. He asked the entire roster and no one wanted to do it, so Angle orders Nunzio and Stamboli against the Undertaker in a handicap match – RIGHT NOW…

Johnny “The Bull” Stamboli & Nunzio vs. The Undertaker – handicap match
Like the handicap will be much of one here. The crowd is about apeshit as Tazz slides in a brilliantly placed shot at Raw, putting over that Undertaker is SmackDown-only. Well done. Stamboli and Nunzio are freaked. Nunzio bails and Stamboli clubs at the Undertaker. Irish whip is reversed and Undertaker gets the big boot on Stamboli before knocking Nunzio off the apron. Undertaker back on Stamboli with some arm work and goes for the Top Rope Walk, but Nunzio distracts Undertaker and Stamboli fires back and gives Undertaker a DDT for 2. Undertaker sits up and wails on Stamboli before the Flying Clothesline. Undertaker gets the Top Rope Walk proper on Stamboli and hits him with a Flatliner (!) before locking in a nasty submission for Stamboli to tap out. Post-match, Undertaker gives Nunzio the Last Ride and Stamboli the Tombstone before taking his exit.

Video shows of Kama Booker T in the graveyard. He finds an unmarked grave and takes dirt from it. As he leaves, a gloved hand pops out of the grave. Even I have to admit that this didn’t work that well then and it still doesn’t now.

Commercial.

Back to In The Back, Josh Matthews introduces the replay of the incident with Eddie’s Mom. Josh then asks Eddie if he thinks it was his or Bradshaw’s fault and the crowd is silent to hear Eddie say nothing. Instead he glares at Josh and runs him off, taking us to:

Commercial.

Back to
Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie
Rene Dupree is sitting at ringside. And damn, Dawn needs to be in Playboy. Dawn jumps Torrie to start with kicks in the corner and a snap hair takeover before she claws at Torrie’s face. Dupree smiles on as Dawn gets kicks and a legdrop for 2. Dawn undoes the turnbuckle pad and feeds it to Torrie once but a second try gets blocked as Torrie lands some clotheslines and a neckbreaker for 2. Torrie goes up top and nails a flying body press for 2 and Cena is out now to watch also. Dawn sends Torrie outside and Rene stalks her before Cena arrives to kick his ass. Rene catches Cena near Torrie with a cheapshot and beats Cena senseless outside. Rene takes him in to ram him into the exposed turnbuckle and then dismantles the announce table outside. Dupree nails Cena with a monitor outside and powerbombs Cena through the table. Ain’t seem one of those in a while. Dupree drapes the French flag on Cena and celebrates in the ring to take us to:

Commercial.

Back to Cole and Tazz at the destroyed table. Replay of During The Break: Dupree beats on Cena some more with a stretcher and tosses a chair at his bad knee.
Cole and Tazz then announce that Eddie’s Mom was released from the hospital today after suffering a mild heart attack in El Paso Sunday night. They run down the Judgment Day card then take us to Bradshaw, “live via satellite in New York City”. Bradshaw denies any responsibility for what happened to Eddie’s Mom and Cole puts him on the spot about it. Bradshaw says he manhandled Eddie but not Eddie’s Mom. He has a point there. He claims that Eddie’s responsible for bringing his family to the ring where Bradshaw conducts business. He’s in New York to tape CNBC but he will be there next week and says that Eddie’s Mom faked her heart attack before walking off and ending the interview. Tell you what, he’s becoming one hell of a heel…

Commercial.

Back to In The Back, Paul is talking Angle out of leaving Eddie in the match tonight by threatening a lawsuit in a roundabout way. Angle gives in and takes out of the match before telling Luther to go get “him” ready NOW!

The Dudley Boyz vs. Rob Van Dam and Rey Mysterio
NICE replacement! The Dudleys are pissed off as Buh Buh starts with RVD. Collar-and-elbow tie-up to the corner to start and Buh Buh swings and misses so RVD can have the corner beatdown. RVD drops both Dudleys and gets Buh Buh in the corner with the shoulder but Buh Buh fires out with a clothesline for 2. D-Von tags in for the corner beatdown but a corner-whip-and-charge eats boot and RVD gets in some heel kicks. Buh Buh grabs RVD’s ponytail from the apron and D-Von chokes away before both brothers hit the double shoulder for 2. RVD gets a spinning kick for 2. Buh Buh tries to stop the tag attempt but Rey tags in to clean house on the Dudleys. Rey gets D-Von in 619 position but Buh Buh trips him up. In the ring, Buh Buh with the corner-charge-and-miss and Rey mounts him for 10 punches and a flying hurracanrana. Pretty. Bulldog by Rey gets 2 but Buh Buh reverses a corner whip and pops RVD as D-Von goes out trip and rack Rey’s nuts on the post before we go to:

Commercial.

Back to D-Von with a reverse chinlock on Rey. Replay shows a spinebuster by Buh Buh. Rey elbows out but D-Von with the corner-charge-and-miss (you’d think they’d learn by now) and Rey fires out for the standing 10 count. Rey makes the tag but the referee doesn’t see it and the Dudleys beat the snot out of Rey during the confusion. Buh Buh gets a suplex but Rey escapes the Buh Buh Bomb with a victory roll sending Buh Buh into the bottom turnbuckle and kicks to the head while lying down. Sweet! Rey tags RVD in proper and it’s STONER ON FIRE! RVD with spinning kicks for both Dudleys from all angles and 2 on D-Von. Rey gets the springboard senton on Buh Buh and RVD nails the split-legged moonsault for 2. These two would rock as a regular team. The Dudleys send RVD out and go for the Wassup headbutt on Rey but RVD shoves D-Von off the top. Rey kicks Buh Buh out of the ring and RVD gets the enzugiri on D-Von, landing him perfectly for the 619! THE ORIGINAL ROLLING THUNDER (with Rey playing the part of Sabu, obviously) finishes D-Von off for 3. Post-match, the Dudleys send RVD outside and hit the 3D on Rey. Buh Buh calls for a chair and gets it but Eddie is out to beat the senseless. Eddie sends the referee out and grabs the chair. Eddie proceeds to smack the shit out of everyone except Rey with the chair. Both Dudleys take a second shot and Eddie looks intense to end the show.

Okay, this is just getting brutal, and I don’t mean in the ring. All of these angles are reasons why we hated Raw and loves SmackDown before the draft. What, did they think it would all work on another show?

L8. Thanks for reading, y’all.

For more interesting (?) reading, click here.

Be sure to visit EdWolf for all of your (non-video) gaming needs, Rehab Radio for some good surfing music, and The Wrestling Fan for a good chuckle or two.