The SmarKdown Rant – December 18 2003

The SmarKdown Rant – December 18, 2003

– Taped from Jacksonville, FL.

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

– Opening interview: John Cena comes out to rap about the REAL meaning of Christmas – getting freaky with Mrs. Claus. Most of it gets bleeped here in Canada. He stays on to do color.

– Big Show v. Orlando Jordan. Yes, it’s the rematch of the epic diarrhea match. This is non-title, which makes two months without a title defense for Show. Jordan attacks the knee and gets a high cross for two, but Show shrugs him off with a clothesline and proceeds to squashing him. The “hog log” gets two, but Show picks him up. Normally that’s trouble for the heel, but I’m pretty sure he’s got this one well in hand. Chokeslam is escaped by Jordan, and he goes for the knee, but another chokeslam ends that rally and it’s over at 2:15. ј* For those (like me) keeping track, Big Show won the title on October 19 and tomorrow will be his two-month anniversary, having never defended it a single time as of yet.

– Elsewhere, Bob Holly is HERE. I hope they have a REALLY strong RAW main event planned for the Rumble if that’s gonna be the Smackdown title match.

– A-Train joins us, as Heyman and friends call him onto the carpet. However, after a talking-to from Brock, A-Train backs down and apologizes, which is good enough for Heyman, who books a match with A-Train & Matt Morgan v. Bob Holly & Shannon Moore, with Holly’s career on the line against a title shot. Hey, another match where a guy retires if he loses, can’t get enough of those. They should just, like, book an entire PPV with that stipulation and get it out of their system.

– Smackdown tag titles: The Basham Brothers v. Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty v. Los Guerreros v. The Self-Proclaimed World’s Greatest Tag Team. Apparently Shaniqua walking out on the Bashams two weeks ago has been forgotten already, because she’s back again. Rikishi starts with Danny, but he tags Eddie in right off the bat. Eddie slugs away on Rikishi, but gets backdropped and hiptossed. Los Guerreros double-team him but their suplex is reversed and Scotty comes in. CHEEKS OF FIRE for both Guerreros, but they both bail and Haas comes in. He evades a buttdrop, but gets slammed. Scotty comes in and drops an elbow or three, for two. Benjamin tags in and slugs Scotty down, into a variation of the Exploder. Doug Basham tags himself in and whips Scotty into Eddie, drawing him into the ring for a slugfest. Eddie snaps off a rana and the double-headscissors on the champions, and they collide in the corner, so they leg Rikishi come in for the Stinkface. And we take a break. We return with Scotty getting the Worm on Danny, and everyone brawls outside. Scotty gets the worst of it, and Danny gets two. Bashams work him over in the corner and Danny gets two off a punch. Haas brings Scotty in the WGTT corner, and Benjamin hits the chinlock. Knee to the gut gets two. Haas whips him into the corner for two. Danny tags himself in again and stomps a mudhole on Scotty and an elbow gets two. Doug grabs a sleeper, but Scotty gets out with a jawbreaker, but can’t make the tag. Chavo finally tags himself in with a high cross for two on Danny, and Eddie gets the rolling verticals on Scotty. Rikishi superkicks him, however, to send him out. TWGTT hits Danny with the leapfrog choke (The World’s Greatest Double-Team?) and everyone starts firing off finishers until Scotty runs into Danny’s elbow in the corner. Danny goes up and Scotty crotches him, but Chavo gets rid of Scotty and superplexes Danny himself, only to fall victim to a Doug Basham flying splash that finishes Chavo at 14:00. Finish was really confusing and looked messed up. The match didn’t really have anything in the way of flow and no one really had a chance to do much. **1/2

– Ernest Miller, king of pointless segments, comes out to “entertain” us, but Sable interrupts and yells at him. He goes for more sugar, but that brings out Vince now. Bizarrely, they get into an argument about who the greatest performer of all-time is. This leads to Vince…ahem…dancing. And then kicking Cat in the nuts. I have no idea why I’m supposed to care about any of this.

– Rey Mysterio v. Jamie Noble. They reverse to start and Noble knocks Rey down for two, but gets monkey-flipped. Noble blocks a rana and they have a stalemate. Noble starts chopping in the corner, and blocks a headscissor attempt by pancaking Rey. He drops Rey on the top off a suplex and gets two. We hit the chinlock but Rey dumps him to escape. Back in, they slug it out, but Noble blocks a moonsault press and runs him into the corner. He charges and Rey dodges it, then goes up for the moonsault press, which gets two. Flying headscissors, but Noble catches a powerslam for two. Noble stomps him down, but Rey cradles for two, and they do a pinfall reversal sequence. Noble charges and gets wined, dined, but not 619’d, as Noble moves and Rey lands on the floor. Jamie grabs Nidia and tries the old Anderson self-sacrifice play with her, bumping the ref, but Rey reverses the powerbomb to a rollup for the pin at 5:00. Some nice stuff, but it didn’t really click, with too many awkward pauses. Cole hates Noble again, so there goes that face turn. *1/2

– Elsewhere, Bob Holly is gonna break Brock’s neck. And take his title. You’d think the first one would be enough.

– Chris Benoit v. Chuck Palumbo. Palumbo attacks to start, but runs into a boot and gets chopped. He overpowers Benoit and gets two. He works Benoit over in the corner, and clotheslines him down for two. Neckvice, which Benoit fights out of, but Palumbo powers him into the corner and chokes away. Backdrop suplex gets two. Back to the neckvice, but Benoit fights out with an armbar takedown. Palumbo keeps working Benoit over in the corner, but charges and posts himself, allowing the crossface, but Chuck makes the ropes. Jungle Kick misses, as Benoit catches the leg and powers him down, then dropkicks the knee to set up the rolling germans. Flying headbutt gets two. Palumbo leverages him into the corner and uses the ropes for two. Have to admire that. Benoit catches another crossface, however, and it’s arrivederci at 5:26. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling. ** The FBI does a heel beatdown afterwards, as I shudder at Benoit having to carry these guys for the next month.

– Elsewhere, Nidia flexes her acting muscles while Rey explains Noble’s deception to her in Spanish.

– Rhyno comes out to challenge Bradshaw, but he’s not even in the building, so Faarooq answers. What was the point of that Rhyno heel turn all those months ago again? I mean, at least as Benoit’s second banana he was a fairly hot babyface with an over act and someone to carry his ass in tag matches. Now, he’s jobbing in singles matches to the APA. Geez, just turn the guy face and put him back with Benoit again as his backup.

– Rhyno v. Faarooq. Faarooq elbows him down and sends him out with an elbow to the neck, and they fight on the ramp. Back in, Rhyno hammers him down and chokes away. Faarooq gets a spinebuster for two. Rhyno goes low for the DQ at 2:03. Gimme a friggin’ break. “That was pathetic!” says Cole. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. DUD

– In the ring, Paul Heyman brings out a tumbler with names so that Brock can pick an opponent for tonight. Of course, it’s Shannon Moore.

– Smackdown World title: Brock Lesnar v. Shannon Moore. I have no idea why Moore is getting all this TV time. Shannon goes after the leg to start, but can’t knock him down. Brock catches him for a slam, but Shannon goes back to the knee and dropkicks the head. Brock finally has enough and clotheslines him a few times, and the Brock Lock ends the pain for Shannon at 1:38. Squasharoo. DUD

– Matt Morgan & A-Train v. Bob Holly & Shannon Moore. Train & Morgan charge in and destroy Moore to start, as he recovers from the beating in the last match. Morgan uses the Nash choke in the corner and headbutts him down, and more choking follows. Train gets a backbreaker and Morgan works on the eternally injured ribs, and uses the BODYSLAM OF DEATH. The BEARHUG OF AGONY follows and Morgan keeps pounding the ribs. Train comes back in with a body vice into a backbreaker, which gets two. Holly comes in and fights off Morgan, because he’s Hardcore or something, and Train misses a pump splash in totally unconvincing fashion. Hot tag Holly, and he cleans house with nothing of consequence. Morgan runs into a boot, as does Train, and Holly gets a flying bulldog for two. Morgan tosses him weakly, and Brock goes after him with a chair, which has Cole aghast. Back in, Morgan uses the powerbomb for two. And it was a SITOUT powerbomb and everything! He’s SUPERHUMAN! Train charges in and hits Morgan by mistake, however, and Holly uses the Whiplash slam to finish him at 6:28. Not sure why Morgan is doing the job in this match, not that it matters anyway. Hella-weak main event. Ѕ* The problem with Holly is that he’s never been anything more than a decent worker at best with a completely vanilla moveset and no noticeable charisma, and fans just aren’t going to buy him as a serious challenge to the World title unless they do something really stupid like actually putting it on him. You’ll notice he’s been heavily protected in the weeks since his return by leaving him either off-screen to make challenges, or limiting him to quick attacks or (like tonight) a tag match. That’s because sticking him in the ring for any length of time is death for his push, and always has been, which makes the decision to go with him as the next PPV challenger all the more perplexing.

The Bottom Line:

Pretty dull show up and down as we head into the Xmas break. The Guerrero breakup seems to have either been stalled or held off for a while now, while the Bashams continue to bore the shit out of me and yet still remain champions, presumably on the hope that they’ll magically get over one day.

On the other hand, at least no one quit and walked out before the main event, so kudos to the writing team for that one.