411’s WWE Confidential Report 07.19.03

REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE AND HEAR IT HERE, NO NEED TO FOCUS WHEN THERE’S NOTHING THAT’S WORTH SEEING
This week’s heading from “Fevers and Mirrors” by Bright Eyes. This week’s big new addition/stunt/diversion suggested and inspired by CHRISTOPHER PECK and MIKE LEE. If you like it, I’m a genius and give the people what they want. If you hate it, it was all their fault and I’ll forward them your hate mail. Now that’s democracy. Or blame shifting. Is there a difference? Who knows? It’s Confidential!

SEGMENT #1: MICK FOLEY, AUTHOR
A thousand monkeys are out of jobs, while a thousand typewriters are sold at auction. Mick Foley has written the Great American Novel! It’s called “Tietam Brown” and, unlike most Great American Novels, it’s a boy’s coming-of-age story. Wait a minute, that’s practically every Great American Novel. At least the ones I was forced to read at school. Damn you, Mick Foley! You phony! I hope you caught that, ‘cause it’s virtually the only reference I can make to the Catcher In The Rye besides John Lennon’s shooting. Speaking of CITR (that’s what the “hip” kids call it, that or Catcher In The Rizzle), Mick’s literary agent (meaning he is actually his agent, it isn’t an informal arrangement) Luke Janklow describes Mick’s new book as “Catcher In The Rye meets Stephen King”. Hey, I know this one. Catcher meets Stephen King. Doesn’t that give us the Twilight Zone where Bill Mumy wishes people into the cornfield? No? Okay. Anyway, Luke took “Tietam” to artsy and prestigious book publisher Knopf, where editor Victoria Wilson “loved the book,” according to Mick. But, as Mick learned, just because someone loves something, it doesn’t make it perfect. Like when I say I love Cindy Taylor, host of E!’s Wild On shows. Is she perfect? Far from it. While she’s totally hot in an unbelievable way, she seems stuck-up and kind of likes the drinky-drink. But I still accept her while I drool on my TV set. It’s how you make a relationship work, people. Give and take. Not so with Mick and Knopf, however. Massive rewrites were needy to get Mick’s book ready, and while he likes the finished product, he admits that some of the violent imagery may not be for everyone. And the rewrites managed to excise every mention of Al Snow and Owen Hart, so that’s wrestling fans out. But promotions gal Gabrielle Brooks thinks the book will be a success, since Mick is “so clearly beloved” by people. So beloved that Mick’s little book tour has ballooned from 12 cities to 25. Some of them even in Canada. Be safe, Mick. While I don’t do much of the book reading since I found the “Power” switch on the TV, I can’t rightly recommend this book. So I’ll leave it to unbiased Knopf editor Victoria Wilson, who promises that “you will be changed by reading this book.” Unfortunately, you will be changed into a giant cockroach. No, sorry, that’s a Franz Kafka book. I’ve no idea what “Tietam Brown” will change you into. Whatever you turn into, avoid wearing sweatpants all the time. Not a flattering look, no matter how much you’ve stopped trying to stay in ring shape. Okay?

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS ON? – E!
As an alternative to the dreaded commercial recaps, you get me aimlessly changing channels on a commercial break. First stop, gossip-and-boobs network E!, showing one of their eight government mandated broadcastings of “Wild On”. Affable Art Mann hosted this part of the show, probably because Cindy Taylor was too busy (hungover) to do it herself. Or maybe it’s because Art really wanted to hang out with a gaggle of hot Hawaiian Tropic models. Yeah, this is the “boobs” part of “gossip-and-boobs”. Lucky me! Art checks out a tour bus, then heads out to a beach in… Key West, I think he said. Drunken guys chant for women to take off their tops, and some do. It’s basic cable, so it’s all blurred out. Art stops pandering to his audience for a brief moment when he asks the crowd of drunk guys “You guys will just cheer for anything, won’t you?” To which they cheer loudly. Art wisely ducks out to spend time with the Hawaiian Tropic girls on a speedboat. Skin skin skin, then it’s time for…

SEGMENT #2: JOHN CENA IN TORONTO
John Cena is in Toronto and he forgot to wear his full hazmat suit. Hope you enjoy living in Canada, ‘cause we ain’t letting you back in here. Ha ha! You crazy Canadians, you’re all right. Back in Toronto, Cena is getting ready to throw out the first pitch. He’s a bit conflicted, since the Blue Jays are playing the Boston Red Sox. See, John was invited to the Sky Dome by the Blue Jays, so he has to wear their jersey. But he was brought up a Red Sox fan. Gah! Whom to cheer for? Maybe he could ask one of the 19 people who bothered to show up for this game. Or maybe he can talk with Toronto’s Vernon Wells. Cena was so excited to talk with him, he said afterwards that he was “like a schoolgirl.” Someone say schoolgirl? Jerry Lawler must be manning the cameras this week, because they managed to find a couple young ladies, who said that Cena looked “so hot” in the Blue Jays’ jersey. Also hot was “Mel from JCru”. I have no idea what that means. It’s what the graphic said when she was on screen. I imagine her name was Mel, and she was associated with something called JCru. Next I find Jimmy Hoffa. After getting hit on by a girl-mascot, Cena finally makes his pitch: a knuckle ball. He makes a brief stopover in the broadcast booth before getting to his seat. Get ready for the big WWE punchline. You ready? It’s going to be SO funny. Get this: they were the cheap seats! HAW HAW HAW! Oh man, it’s times like this I’m glad I gave up a social life on Saturday nights so I could catch stuff like this! GUFFAW! See, he’s a WWE Superstar! And they gave him cheap seats! Like he’d get if he wasn’t a WWE Superstar! Whew. I’m beat. Good thing it’s a commercial break. CHEAP SEATS! HAR HAR!

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS ON? – MTV
A slew of commercials, then Jackass. Bam gets slingshot on a skateboard and falls. Is that the past tense of a ride in a slingshot? Or is it slingshotted? Anyway, brief and not that funny. That funny bit is a drive to a town in Connecticut called Mianus. Get it? “My anus”. A couple jokes that I caught were Johnny asking for directions to the town from a man on the street. “Is Mianus a big place?” Then on the drive through the town, they saw a big teepee. “Look, there’s a teepee in Mianus.” THAT is comedy.

SEGMENT #3: FROM THE VAULT
Christian chooses up a short match, and for that I thank him. December 15, 1984. Andre The Giant and S.D. Jones versus Ken Patera and Big John Studd. Andre and S.D. win by DQ after the ref can’t stop Patera and Studd from double-teaming Andre. After the match, Bobby Heenan provides scissors with which to cut Andre’s hair. Shocking.

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS ON? – CARTOON NETWORK
Samurai Jack. Huh. I haven’t watched this show since the premiere episode/movie thing. This is neat. He fights a whole bunch of robot bugs. Then pretty much nothing. I really admire how Genndy Tartakovsky can do a show on Cartoon Network that moves at such a deliberate pace. Not the hyperactive anime stuff or even the hyperactive American stuff. He just does his own thing. Minimal dialogue, jokes that take a while to get where they’re going. After he fights the bugs, Jack states in a defeatist tone “It. Is. Impossible.” I don’t know what, I missed the beginning. Then the wind takes his hat and he chases after it. Nice physical comedy gag of Jack trying to grab the hat, but it’s always out of reach. Good facial expressions that convey both desperation and confusion. Suddenly the hat is grabbed by one of three weirdos in robes. After a few seconds of staring, Jack tells them, “That is my hat.” To which the middle weirdo says, “Yes.” And that’s it for dialogue! How cool! I sort of wish I didn’t have to go back to Confidential.

SEGMENT #4: OUTSIDE THE ROPES: THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT
Coachy McCoacherson asks Chris Jericho 8 questions. Two weeks ago it was 10 questions. Last week it was 9. Are they counting down to something? I have no proof, but I am on the internet, so I’ll speculate. In seven weeks, Coach asks one question of Miss Elizabeth. Special guest stars Ouija board and crystal ball. This week, Y2J.
1) Who are you, to kill a stranger?
a) He’s the King of the World, the Highlight of the Night, blah blah blah.
2) Has Fozzy ever had another mascot besides Arthur the Pigman?
a) One time Arthur’s cousin Anson filled in for him. Anson is inflicted with clownus.
3) What is more painful: the Walls of Jericho or listening to Celine Dion?
a) Listening to Celine Dion.
4) Spell “Khabibulin”
a) K-h-a-u-b-a-l-i-n. (INCORRECT!)
5) Spell “Jean Sebastien Giguere”
a) J-e-a-n S-e-b-a-s-t-i-a-n G-i-g-u-e-r-e. (Close enough.)
6) How do you feel about the Devils winning the Stanley Cup?
a) Hates New Jersey. Many unkind things to say about New Jersey. We’ve got to take this from someone who comes from Canada? Jesus, Coach. Where’s your patriotism? I mean, I know it’s Jersey, but come on. Show a little solidarity!
7) Who would be your dream guest on The Highlight Reel?
a) Wrestling world, Mick Foley. Non-wrestling, Pam Anderson.
8) Do you see Oprah as an inspiration for The Highlight Reel?
a) She’s “the biggest scam in all of TV.”

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS ON? – COMEDY CENTRAL
Puppets and the voice of Sarah Silverman means it’s Crank Yankers. For this one, Sarah is pranking as a woman applying for a nanny position. Sarah calls during dinner and won’t let the woman hang up. Her questions about the job are about whether the employer has a TV (yes), covered parking (uh…yes) and a hot tub. “You don’t have a hot tub, do you,” Sarah wonders? The employer begins to agitated. Sarah announces, “I like you. I’m hired.” Then she asks, “So when would I be starting?” The woman’s had enough and hangs up. All during the break from Confidential. Hooray!

SEGMENT #5: MICK FOLEY, HUMAN BEING
A sort-of “Where Are They Now” thing for Mick, detailing his time spent during his 19 month absence from the ring. More appropriately, I guess it would be a “Where Was He Then”. After telling Vince McMahon, basically on live television, that he didn’t want to work in wrestling for awhile, Mick got involved with children’s charities. He was contacted by Operation Smile, a charity that provided reconstructive surgery for children in third-world countries. You know, like Canada. Ha ha! I only say that because I’m envious of your low crime and health care. And your incredibly high taxes and crippling winters. Ha ha! You wacky hosers. Back to Mick. Between writing a book and helping sick kids, Mick must have been at the end of his rope. Luckily, he got a call from the WWE to return for Bad Blood. At first he thought, “This is a good chance to plug my book.” But he began to enjoy performing in front of the fans. So while he needed to be away for a while, he won’t be gone as long this time. Mr. Socko plans to continue wrestling in Mick’s absence, feuding with Rodney Mack’s socks.

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS ON? – VH1
Some show called “Hopelessly Rich”, which I could not make heads or tails of. Some guy in a cape dances on a table, then a couple eat dinner. No idea what it means.

SEGMENT #6: MAKE A DIFFERENT WISH
Charity, thy name is WWE. This time, it’s Trish Stratus and Val Venis, who… oh, God. Two more Canadians! And they’re with a plane full of other Canadians! First, Cena is in Toronto. Then, Christian picks tonight’s From The Vault. Next, Y2J on Outside The Ropes. Now this. For Christ’s sake! Did we get annexed or something? Is Illinois to become New New Brunswick? Will all bacon be destroyed? Terrifying. Still, nothing that should distract me from recapping this. Trish and Val are helping a foundation called “Dreams Take Flight”, where Toronto’s underprivileged or terminally ill kids get flown to Disney World. Man, what is it with you Canadians and Florida? We’ve got 49 other states, you know. I mean, Florida is packed to the gills, while Nebraska sits there like the ugly girl (or wrestling fan) at the dance. Florida’s so touristy that no one cares where you’re from. But in Nebraska, you could rule like kings! Kings, I tell you! Anyway, T and V haul the kids to Disney World, take ‘em on rides and generally take their minds off being underprivileged or terminally ill. Hey, they took a whole bunch of kids. How can they tell which is which. Oh my God, I can totally see it now, Val gets off Space Mountain with a kid…
KID: Yay! That was fun!
VAL: Wasn’t it great? I bet that takes your mind off things. Your cancer must seem a million miles away.
KID: What? I have cancer?
VAL: Uh, what?
KID: Oh, God! I can’t believe it! I’ve got cancer! And my family’s so poor. We’ll never be able to pay for treatment!
VAL: No, wait! Sorey. I just..
KID: (cries)
VAL: Kid, no. I was… no, I don’t… you don’t have cancer. I didn’t mean anything. I got a little mixed up.
KID: **sniff** Really?
VAL: Well, I mean… I’m not doctor or anything. You might want to check with a doctor or something to be sure, eh? Hey, look. It’s Goofy!
That must be the best wish ever. I’m going to hell for sure.

NEXT WEEK ON CONFIDENTIAL
Assuming the Devil isn’t roasting me on a spit, I’ll be recapping Mick Foley on Outside The Ropes and Zach Gowen’s heroic story of losing a leg to cancer. That’s how he lost the leg? I’d just assumed Big Show ate it…