EL DANDY~! Tape Review-Great American Bash 96

I’d like to thank the people who gave me feedback to my review of Starrcade 95 and that I spelt Tenzan’s name backwards. So sue me. I at least got his last name right, and PLUS, I would have at least matched Koji and Ohtani’s pictures with each other. So here we go, I get to have another chance at doing my reviews. Also, I’m keeping this friendly, as I will tone done the profanity this time around, so for all you Tourette’s out there…my bad.

-So BOB~!’s second hook up tape is this little bad boy, and it’s forgotten for a reason and it’s remembered for a reason…if that makes any sense. You’ll see as the review progresses…

-We open with Sgt. Craig “Pitbull” Pittman showing off the colors for the PPV, and then the opening monologue from Tony and DUSTY~!, where Dusty says a nice little thing about Dick Murdoch, who still had the greatest brainbuster of all time, in my opinion. Murdoch had died that weekend, and trust me, people wept. He was a fine wrestler. Check out some of HIS stuff if you want some of that fine Southern wrestling.

-Opener: Fire and Ice (Ice Train and Scott Norton) vs. The Steiner Brothers-Basically, Fire and Ice wanted credibility, so they decided they would face the Steiners. OK. Sure, go on ahead. Scott is starting to show signs of becoming Big Poppa Pump, and if you watch some of his early 90’s stuff compared to a match like this, the difference is staggering. DA TRAIN~! and Scottie start it off and while Scott wrestles, Train boogies, if you WEEL. Big 350 pound leapfrog. And then the Steiners clean house. W00T! Norton growls a lot. Ricky takes a nice bump off a shoulderblock, and then he starts tossing Flash around a little bit. Remember when Scottie could throw a dropkick? Scottie hurts his shoulder after taking a Samoan Drop and Fire and Ice go to work on it, well, kinda. Train kinda forgot about it after he tagged in. Scottie plays roided-out-freak in peril, and then hits the spinning belly to belly, throws a lariat, and doesn’t do pushups. Norton gets DUMPED on his shoulder with an Exploder, and I guess that would be payback. STEINER GOES UP TOP, but gets caught, LITERALLY, for a 2 count. This has been quite the stiff match so far. Norton starts going to work on that shoulder again as Dusty talks about getting a stinger on your elbow. Train hits the rest hold and then Scott comes in and gets that shoulderbreaker and the Fujiwara Armbar, and then no-sells some kicks because this MUST be New Japan or something. Goes for the shoulderbreaker again, tag Ricky, and he NAILS Flash with a Steinerline, and then hits a sick Released German. It’s a pier-six, and then Scott gets dumped, but then Norton doesn’t stop Scott from saving when he’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. WHY NOT? Fire and Ice try the doomsday device, but Rick hits a DDT out of it, tag to Scotty, here comes the Super Bulldog, and he gets it, but save Train. Now Scotty hits the messed-up Frankensteiner for the win. The ending was butchered but that was a stiff match, and I like the stiffness, daddy!

-Kevin Sullivan cuts a horrible promo, showing that cue cards are necessary sometimes…and you know what, it looks like he might have been reading off them…hmmmm.

-United States Title-Konnan© vs. El Gato (Pat Tanaka)-Konnan’s run as US Champ is one of the worst, if not THE worst in history, as he got a fluke win over ONE MAN GANG no less to win the thing. At least Tanaka can semi-work. Tanaka looks like a fatter version of Tiger Mask. HAHAHAHA. Armdrag sequence sees Gato come out on top, and then a Dragon Screw after some kicks. All this stuff isn’t really making me want to watch this match…Konnan hits a jumpy jumpy armdrag and then gets put on top, pulls down Gato, and then hits a lariat, as Tanaka decides to make himself look good with the Marty Janetty oversell. Tanaka locks in something resembling La Tapatia, kinda, basically a ground Strangle Hold Gamma, which is the only cool move of this match. Nice sitout bomb off a rana attempt. Then they go all submissions and stuff, which has no part in a match like this. Konnan rolls around a lot, then hits a move, like a bulldog or a lariat, and then the ending gets all messed and such, which ends up with Konnan hitting a slingshot powerbomb from the inside out, and then a double leg and a jackknife pin for the win. This match was nothing…ok. It was something, but it wasn’t much.

-Sting promo. That’s all I can say about this one. He yells…he WHOOOOs…that’s it. He doesn’t like Regal.

-Lord of the Ring: Diamond Dallas Page © vs. Marcus Bagwell-This was after the spunky Marcus Alexander Bagwell faze and during the “American Males” faze, as DDP was just starting to pick up on this wrestling thing. By the way, the ring in question is from the old BattleBowl tourney that DDP won at Slamboree. Not a wrestling ring, an actual ring. SELF HIGH FIVE…DDP cuts a promo and forgets to say “scumbag” and that makes me happy. SQUEEEEEEEAL…here comes Bagwell…oops, there goes Bagwell. They fight on the floor. DDP bumps over the rail. Bagwell is still a very basic wrestler, doing not much out of the ordinary. Crossbody, armbars, basic armwork, flying forearm, snapmare, another armbar, dropkick, HERE WE GO. Bagwell with a pescado, and then he gets crotched, so Page takes over. He chokes, he chokes some more, and then DDP starts with some nice looking moves. They mess up the abdominal stretch spot, so Page turns it into a pumphandle backbreaker, and then a nice pumphandle backdrop. Now he hits the abdominal stretch as some guy audibly says, “There it is!” Pretty funny. Basic heel cheap heat-hiptoss follows, and then they mess up a headscissors spot and DDP turns it into a pancake. Now Bagwell comes back with the vanilla offense. Atomic drops, lariat, all that stuff. SLINGSHOT LARIAT~! gets 2. Page was great at getting hte cheap heat with the heel tricks. Now they hit the headscissor spot, and Bagwell looks for the PerfectPlex, so DDP says, “NO POBO” and hits the Diamond Cutter, looking more like an Ace Crusher with all that time before he does it.

-ROWWWWWL! The Giant and Jimmy Hart speak. I go and get something to drink or to the toilet or something…

-Cruiserweight Title: Dean Malenko © vs. Rey Mysterio, Jr.-This is Rey’s debut after his stint in ECW, and of course, he faces Dean Malenko, so the rulingness of this match is already escalated higher than thought possible. Rey looks so damn small it’s not even funny. They mention OHTANI~! and I mark out. The tourney was BS, though. Rey tries to go to the mat with Dean. BWAHAHAHA. They get all flip-floppy and stuff, and DEANO does a KIP UP. I’m stoked. Now Dean goes to work. Oh, wait, no, criss-cross, shoulderblock sequence, Dean KIP UP, and then Rey hops onto Dean’s shoulders, spins out, and hits the armdrag. Here we go, baby! Rey with the Jericho springboard dropkick. Dean seems perturbed. Knucklelock sequence sees Deano roll through a sunset flip into a catapult, and then Rey avoids the baseball slide. Now Dean wins the knucklelock sequence and hits a SWEET armsnapper off of it. That was SO DAMN SWEET, and so Dean works the arm like the mofo he is. He channels the Andersons with the hammerlock slam. Dean then just does MEAN stuff to the arm. He’s SUCH a machine in this match. Rey comes back by walking the ropes into a dropkick, and then tries to flip up into a rana, but Dean flips him back down and UNLOADS with a lariat. That was just COOL. Deano with the elevated cross-armbreaker as Tenay busts out that EDDIE~! won the 96 Super J cup. Deano wraps the arm around the ropes and dropkicks it, then works his elbow over Rey’s…well, elbow. Hammerlock backdrop gets 2. Juji-gatame follows, as Deano is working a very nice, solid technical match. Hammerlock Northern Lights Suplex gets 2. Rey comes back with a dropkick, but then Deano goes right back to that arm, using an INDIAN DEATHLOCK on the arm, and then goes to the Fujiwara Armbar. Absolutely awesome. I’m loving this. This is a thorough butt-whoopin. Now, the Mexican Surfboard, which is dropped into a bridge for 2! Dean could rock it hard back in the day, man…and now the armdrag into the keylock, and now the short armscissors. This reminds me of the Minoru Tanaka/Lyger Best of the Super Juniors match in 2001, when Lyger’s arm got DESTROYED, but still won. Dean gets frustrated and hits a backdrop again for 2. SWANKY Side Butterfly Suplex gets 2. Then he goes to a wristlock and tries a pin with it, too. Now some over the shoulder arm breakers, and then the Fujiwara Armbar again. Rey uses momentum to take Dean out, and then Rey baseball slides, dropkicks, into a springboard somersault plancha, and HERE COMES REY! Springboard dropkick gets 2. Rey sits out on the powerbomb attempt for 2, and then a rollup sequence. Rey rolls through the ropes, into the move to be known as the West Coast Pop for 2. Dean wants the super gutbuster, and then the spinning super rana to counter for Rey! Rey lays out on the tilt-a-whirl for 2, and this crowd is gettin ready to explode with these near falls. Rey tries a victory roll, but gets ABSOLUTELY PLANTED with a powerbomb, and Dean CHEATS TO WIN~! to get the win and retain. Absolutely outstanding for the time, and a few years later, it still holds up. You NEED THIS MATCH MORE THAN YOU NEED ANYTHING IN YOUR SHORT LIVES.

-Ha. Luger speaks. I go sleep or something…

-Big Bubba Rogers vs. John Tenta-UGH. I don’t even care for this match…but I gotta review it. Basically, Tenta’s head got semi-shaved, and he KEPT THE DAMN HAIRCUT BECAUSE HE WAS MAD. This match is nothing, and will get nothing from me and love it. Bubba can’t even try with Tenta. How he was with Tenryu in the 2002 AJPW Real World Tag League, I don’t know. The STAIRS bump better than anyone in the match. How about that? You know I talk about the match in detail, but there was seriously nothing more than punching and kicking and choking in this match. So that is all I’m gonna say about this match, and you, the reader, can safely go and use 10 minutes of your time to do something else. Tenta wins with the powerslam.

-Steve McMichael and Kevin Green stands with the artist soon to be known as “Puppies” and Kevin Greene’s wifey. You can imagine how good that is. And then there is Randy Savage. I rest my case.

-Falls Count Anywhere: “Taskmaster” Kevin Sullivan vs. “Crippler” Chris Benoit-You want backstory? Arn Anderson is being lured into the Dungeon of Doom, so while Pillman would have stepped up to the plate originally, he bolted for Stamford, and we get Benoit instead. No complaints, here. And they just start LAYING INTO EACH OTHER in the aisle, and Benoit whoops his ass as Kevin looks at him like, “What do you think you are doing?” They trade chops, and then they go into the crowd and NOW WE ARE TALKING MY FRIEND. Now they go into the stands and Sullivan is just having his way with him. Benoit is out of his element but this is just a brawl and a half. Benoit unloads, and then Sully hits ONE right hand to the face, and there goes Benoit. Now they go up the stairs and into the middle hallway, and HERE WE GO TO THE TOILET! Benoit’s head gets slammed into the door a couple times. Then his back into the bathroom door. IS A SWIRLY TOO MUCH TO ASK? Benoit’s head is RINGING, I SAY! DOUBLE STOMP ON THE FLOOR! This is a BUTT WHOOPIN. And now, Benoit fights back and Sully tries to GIVE HIM A SWIRLY IN THE URINAL (Tony: “Head first to the commode!”), so then Benoit uses the door (IRONY!) and chops away, and then Sully with the thumb to the eye as Dusty makes the greatest call in the history of our great sport: “THERE’S A LADY! THERE’S A LADY IN THE MEN’S BATHROOM! RIGHT HERE IN BALTIMORE!” Kevin uses the PAPER TOWELS OF DOOM! Benoit is getting KILLED outside of this ring. Benoit unloads and then they start nailing each other with right hands. Benoit gets nailed and falls down some stairs. When he doesn’t go all the way down, Kevin PUSHES him down. ECW WISHES they could pull off a brawl like this. They trade more rights and then Benoit gets crotched on the railing as they get back to the ring…kinda. They are still on the outside of the ring. Now Kevin gets crotched (IRONY!) and now Benoit gets a table. Sully gets whipped to the rail and now gets tossed over the rail again! Chris GETS DA TABLES~! and nails him with it. Chris then sets it up against the ropes. Benoit gets whipped to it, and Sullivan misses an elbow onto it. Benoit puts it up top and now he’s ready to finish. The crowd is absolutely insane. They fight on top of the table until Benoit gets him into position, and in a homage to his ECW days, he superplexes him off the table for the win and a HUGE OVATION from the fans. He slaps him around as Hart gets on the apron, and HERE…COMES…ARN. Hart is directing traffic, and Arn pulls Benoit off Sullivan, stops him, and then PUNTS him in the stomach as the crowd goes ABSOLUTELY INSANE. HORSEMEN ARE WHOOPIN ASS and the crowd is going NUTSO as the Dungeon of Doom comes down for the save. This has got to be one of the most absolutely VICIOUS matches in WCW history, as they went absolutely INSANE on each other. And then, you add a super angle on top of the match, and that my friends, is how wrestling should be done forever more. Just this whole 20 minutes or so is worth the price of this PPV alone.

-Now, Gene is with DA LAAAAAAADIES, and here comes the Horsemen. Arn cuts a GREAT promo on Sullivan, and puts over Benoit. Benoit speaks, and then Flair talks, and then Brain talks, and Flair talks smack to Savage cuz he be DOING STUFF WITH LIZ. WHOOOOO!

-Lord Steven Regal vs. Sting-Sting and Luger held the tag straps at this point in time, and Sting and Regal had always had a little spat, so here you go. Sting comes out blazing hot as Regal bumps over the top on a corner whip, and then a thumb to the eyes is all that Regal needs to get started. WOO-HOO! Regal pounds on Sting methodically with forearm shots and European Uppercuts and that Regal kneedrop. The commentators just stop for about a minute while the two do a headlock sequence which ends with a Japanese Armdrag from Sting. Regal takes a breather to berate the fans like a good heel should. Regal RULED IT! NOW Regal wants a handshake so Sting shakes his stuff towards Regal. Regal ducks away like a wimp. Regal then takes him down and knucklelocks Sting down. Sting comes back, but then Regal KIPS UP and goes into a Cobra Clutch, into a HUGE back elbow, and then goes back to work. Regal now with the Full Nelson. Sting gets out and goes for a Sunset Flip, and after the usual Regal mannerisms, takes him over for 2. Then Regal comes back with an elbow drop and a seated Nagata Lock III (ground abdominal stretch) that I absolutely die for. Regal dances a little and hits some more uppercuts and then a SPECTACTULARY BUENO dropkick for 2. Now Regal locks on the Facelock Hold. Sting backdrops out of it. Regal comes back with an armbar, and then a wristlock, and then legdrops the arm for 2. Side headlock now, as Regal is just wearing down Sting all over the place for that Regal Stretch, which is a sound strategy, no doubt. Sting whips out of it, but then they do the Noggin Knocker and both men are down. Regal rubs Sting’s face in the mat and such, going to another top wristlock, and then Regal USES THE ROPES, like a good heel should. This is a class in Heel Work 101. Aspiring heels, watch this match. Now after he gets caught, Regal argues, but this give Sting time to recover, and his whip is reversed into a Stinger Abdominal Stretch. Regal gets to the ropes and then NAILS Sting with a left hand. WOO-HOO! REGAL IS A MAN’S MAN. Wait, wrong gimmick. Now Regal with the headscissors, and he adds an armbar. Gets 2. Now an armbar/wristlock combo. Regal pushes him down, but Sting kips up, so then when Sting comes back, Regal goes to the eyes. Brilliance. Now Regal fights some more, and looks for the Butterfly Suplex, but instead, he turns it into a submission, brings him back up, and takes him to the corner for a whip, and then Stinger EXPLODES with a dropkick and some lariats for 2. Whoa. Sting goes up top, but Regal stops him and gets a Super Butterfly Suplex for 2. Now, the Regal Stretch, and Sting is gonna stay in this one until Regal gives up, with Regal saying “COME ON!” throughout the duration of the hold. Sting doesn’t give up, so then Regal releases and takes Sting to the corner. BACKHAND SLAP! UH OH! STING IS READY TO GO, NOW! Sting pounds a mudhole in Regal, tells him to get up, and whips him in. The Stinger Splash gets blocked, but Regal eats the backdrop, and Sting puts on the Scorpion Deathlock. Regal taps like a little punk, and that is it. This is SUCH a great match, as Sting played the HUGE underdog, Regal beat the snot out of him, and then Sting made the big comeback. Great match.

-Steve McMichael and Kevin Greene vs. Arn Anderson and Ric Flair-Basically, badmouthing on Mongo led to this, since he did color on Nitro up to this point. So he goes and gets a football player as opposed to an actual wrestler. Brain is with the Horsemen, Savage with the faces. Michael BUFER~! does the introductions. WOO-HOO! LET’S GET READY TO…wait, copyright. Must be quiet. Woo-hoo for the intros. Arn and Mongo start. Arn just outwrestles Mongo and does some jumping jacks. Armwringer reversals, but Mongo gets swept. Now they do a 4-point stance-off, and Mongo wins. On the second time, Arn drop toeholds him in a BRILLIANT spot. Showing how smart the heels are. Corner whip, but Arn avoids the boot and eats a shoulder tackle off the middle rope. Flair feints going in. Arn tries to pick a fight with BOTH OF EM, and gets stomped big time. Savage gets a shot in. Brain gets on the apron and argues. Mongo wants Flair like a fat kid wants candy, or like a cop wants donuts, whatever. Mongo wants Flair, but has to settle for Arn, so Mongo tags in Kevin Greene…and Arn tags in Flair. Green does some up-downs and some seat rolls, and Falir just struts around. WHOOO! He struts for Mongo and Savage. Now they want some more 3-point stance, but Flair KICKS HIM IN THE HEAD. I LOVE THIS. Now Greene eats the choppage, but Flair and Arn eat tackles. Now GREENE STRUTS. Flair takes a walk, like he very well should, so Savage goes and gets him. Greene with a back body drop and some lariats. He doesn’t suck! Here comes Mongo, who cuts off the tag to Arn, and now he’s gonna get Flair all on his own. Flair can’t tackle Mongo, so he just kicks him in the stomach. Mongo no-sells a chop. And again. Mongo is every super face Flair has ever faced, except he sucks. Mongo with some chops, and then a hiptoss. Flair eats a backdrop. Mongo’s eyes eat Flair’s thumbs. Flair goes up top, and you know the drill by now. Mongo WITH THE FIGURE FOUR! Greene comes in and does it to ARN! So WCW is Japanese for All Japan? THE CROWD GOES NUTS! Woman rakes Mongo’s eyes as the ladies head for the back, with Woman and Liz threatening the wives. Mongo gets spiked with the DDT and Arn works him over. Flair comes in and tosses Mongo outside, for Arn to POOP ON! Flair snaps Mongo across the top rope. THE BRAIN gets a cheap shot in! HELL YES! Mongo gets chopped, oh great. Flair with the nutshot, though, and the crowd POPS! Flair with the rolling kneedrop, tag Arn. Nothing out of the usual going on. Oh. Double suplex on Mongo. Double choke, and Green NAILS Arn to get him off of Mongo. Flair gets 2. Mongo with a lariat, but Arn cuts off the tag. Big haymaker misses, so Mongo gets an atomic drop so that Flair and Arn knocks heads. HOT TAG KEVIN GREENE! Chop blocks for Arn. Slams for both. Back Bodydrop for Flair! Powerslam! Greene looks VERY NICE! FLAIR FLIP! BIG BOOT BY MONGO! Outside-in suplex from Greene! BEAUTIFUL! Arn clips the knee and works on it across that apron. And NOW…WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! We go to school! Greene sells VERY WELL for this, and Arn gets kicked off in the spinning toehold attempt. Flair cuts off the tag, and here’s the figure-four, but Greene rolls him up. Kneecrusher, and NOW we get the Figure-Four. Greene is in trouble, and the Horsemen CHEAT TO WIN~! TWICE! Savage stops that, and here comes Benoit, now. Savage and Benoit beat each other up, and then Arn helps Chris out a little bit. Here comes the girls…AND DEBRA! IN A NICE LOOKIN DRESS! WITH A BRIEFCASE! Dusty smells a rat! Open the briefcase…a Horsemen shirt, and a WHOLE LOTTA MONEY! Mongo takes the briefcase, and NAILS Greene in the head with the breifcase. The ref counts three, and MONGO FREAKIN MCMICHAEL is the fourth Horseman. Savage gets beat down, and ladies and gentlemen, the worst incarnation of the Four Horsemen has arrived. Dusty rants about how our country is going to shit because of what has transpired. This is so great. The angle is great. The wrestler they selected is a different story, and the match was fun, if nothing else. This would have been so great if they selected a better wrestler, but oh well. This is why this PPV is forgotten by many, cuz MONGO was the fourth Horseman.

-And now, the moment this PPV is remembered for: In a moment where WCW was turned upside down for good, Eric Bischoff comes out and interviews Hall and Nash, the Outsiders, who are unnamed at this point, still. Hall: “It doesn’t matter, because the Big Mang, and the Medium-Sized Mang, and our surprise buddy are gonna carve…them…up.” Hall was great at this time. Of course, this leads to the 6-man being made, and then when Team WCW isn’t named, they take offense, and Nash powerbombs Bisch off the ramp through the tables, and so begins the new era of WCW, where anyone who had been tried to be built up before hand fell to the political powers of Hall and Nash and such. This segment is probably one of the finest WCW had ever produced to that time, but they would better themselves later as the nWo started growing and growing. Dusty then goes off into a monologue IF YOU WEEEL and declares war on those guys.

-World Heavyweight Title-The Giant © vs. Lex Luger-After what happened before, I understand why the crowd wouldn’t REALLY be interested in the match. Luger not only is one half of the tag champs, but he also holds the TV title, meaning he’s like 2 Cold Scorpio and such. Luger eats boot, but comes back and clotheslines Giant over the top, who pulls Luger out to press slam him back in. Luger tries to punch and kick him down, but it ain’t working, so he tries a sleeper as Hart gets on the apron to nail Luger with the megaphone, but Sting fixes that problem. Giant slams Luger into the turnbuckle, and now he goes to work…very…slowly. We’re talking molasses in January here. He gets the Argentine Backbreaker. That’s something I like to see…from Manabu Nakanishi. Giant gets the SURFBOARD OF DOOM. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You are 7’4″, 450, and you use a SURFBOARD? WHY? Luger gets a Stunner (supposed to be a neckbreaker, looks like a Stunner), tries to slam him, but get squashed for 2. Giant moves SO…SLOW with his moves. WHY? Apron dropkick by Luger, lariat, another, forearm, another, chop block, again, and now Lex pounds away. Giant shoves away, and misses the big splash and lays across the top, and Luger punts away. Now he tries the Rack, but that ain’t working, man, and Giant comes RIGHT DOWN ON LEXIE’S NOGGIN. Whoa. I think it’s over. Wait, there’s the chokeslam. OK. Now it’s over. Man that match was nothing.

Conclusion: This is a forgotten PPV, wrestling-wise. From a storyline perspective, you launched two HUGE campaigns, but then you forget that this was Rey’s debut, and that this was the best WCW street fight without Cactus Jack, Maxx Payne, or the Nasty Boys. But regardless, aside from a few matches that were iffy, this is a strong PPV to add to your collection. And for the guy who told me to cut down on the swearing, take a look. No F-Bombs! I’m trying, man. I truly am. Bottom line, go and get this one. IT’S A KEEPAH!