411’s WWF Raw Report 14.01.02

Hello folks, I’m Carlos. PK is out on vacation so I get Raw duties. In order to keep up with tradition, I’m going to talk some football first. You wrestling purists can skip to the next paragraph. First of all, the playoff picture: I can’t believe how easy the Ravens made it look when they absolutely destroyed the Miami Dolphins. All they could muster was a field goal, and that was really about a special team’ mistake by the Ravens. The offense was crumbled, and the defense could not stop the Raven’s run. That performance makes me believe they can beat the Steelers next week. I won’t even talk about the 49ers except for this, the real reason they lost was because they did not come to play in the Dallas game. They win that game, they get home field advantage and dispose of the Packers. Tampa Bay sucks, and firing the coach was a bad idea. They need receivers, and a new offensive coordinator. Dungy was doing great, although if Parcells is his replacement, I can’t blame them for making the change. Schottenheimer being fired though is inconceivable. He was a coach of the year candidate for goodness sakes! Snyder is an idiot, and Spurrier is an even bigger one for taking the job. Mark my words, the Spurrier-coached Redskins will not reach .500 next year. Ok, I’m done with the football ranting.

Tonight’s show comes to us live from Dallas, Texas. Our hosts are The King and Jim Ross.

We start this show off proper with Ric Flair. He brings up Dallas’ great wrestling history, remembering his match against Kerry Von Erich. He makes a mistake and calls Vince the “late” Vince McMahon. Freudian slip. He helps us remember his altercation with Vince McMahon on through the magic of videotape. Flair tells us that being abused by Vince turned on his juices. He changes their match at the Royal Rumble into a street fight. Good idea by the creative team there, that will help the match from being a clunker. Flair drops a few elbows, then calls out Vince McMahon. He gets Y2J instead. He says that the WWF has not always been all about the owner, that it used to be around the champ. He thinks the WWF should revolve around him. In fact, the World revolves around him. He proceeds to make fun of Texans, then George W. Bush, and reminds us all that he is Canadian. He tells Flair he and Bush have a lot of things in common. Ha! Bush wishes. He then tells Flair he will choke at the Rumble, just like Bush did last night. Cheap shot by Flair! He starts chopping the champ! Whooooooo. Y2J mounts a comeback but Flair low-blows him! Another one! He hooks the figure four, which sends Vince out. He gives Flair the wussiest pipe shot ever then gives him another one to make up. No gusher this time, sadly. Vince tries to be like me and starts talking football. He sets up to kick a field goal right to Flair’s nuts. Flair catches his foot and punches him down, but Jericho helps out and holds Flair for a pipe shot to the solar plexus.

Backstage, Christian and Lance congratulate Jericho for his performance. Storm asks him about his leg, which is doing fine. Bradshaw comes out and stands up for Texas and the United States in general. He challenges all three to a tag match tonight. Damn, the Canadian team is amazing, but I’m thinking the competition won’t be up to par. Meanwhile, but earlier, Vince makes his exit.

Match #1- Buh-buh Ray w/D-Von and Stacey vs. Spike w/Tazz

Talk about booking by the numbers. It works for me though. Buh-buh dominates with power. He presses Spike but Spike rakes the eyes to escape. Buh-buh misses a pump splash from the second rope. D-Von interferes by tripping Spike from the outside. They try to do some more heel work but it backfires. They go for the wazzup drop but Tazz helps out and Spike gets a victory roll on Buh-buh for the win.

Winner- Spike Dudley

Backstage a limo arrives carrying Stephanie McMahon

Match #2- Chuck and Billy vs. The Hurricane w/Mighty Molly and Tajiri w/Torrie

I cant’s seem to escape these two, can I? Billy grabs the mike and blames the Hurricane for ruining their fun last night on Heat. They were so upset last night, they had to cancel a date they had with two hot chicks. The Hurricane does not believe their “date with a hot chick” story. He says the only superhero they have something in common is The Human Torch- “Flame on!” Billy gets pissed and starts beating on Hurricane. Chuck helps him out by hanging Hurricane on the top rope. He gets tagged in and continues the punishment. Tajiri comes in and starts dishing it out. He tries the handspring elbow but gets caught by Chuck. Billy misses and punches Chuck by mistake. The Hurricane hits a crossbody off the top on him. He whips Chuck to the corner and Tajiri hits hooks the tarantula. Gunn throws Helms out, leaving the buzz-saw by himself. Tajiri falls prey to the Jungle Kick for three. This was no better than a Heat match, but man the chicks were hot.

Winners- The AGD

Michael Cole interviews Kurt Angle in the back. Kurt is still mad at Kane for interfering in his championship match against Austin. His entire interview is interrupted by those annoying “What?” chants. Kurt Angle then becomes my favorite wrestler ever by quoting Shakira and telling Kane that he will fight him “Wherever, whenever”. The crowd chants “What?” and he asks them if they have never heard of Shakira, accusing them of not being as hip as him. Bah! I liked Shakira 7 years ago, now that is hip! He promises to snap Kane’s ankle tonight. Also in the back, Stephanie gets into a little altercation with Debra over who will win the Rumble match. It erupts into an all-out hooterific cat fight, but the UGOI interferes. I think the Brawler copped a feel.

Have all of you gone to see Orange County yet? You better have. Jack Black is the man.

Match #3- Jacky vs. Stevie Ray in a wig for the #1 contendership for the women’s title

Jacqueline is from Dallas, and she still can’t get a pop. Jazz blitzes to start but Jacky gets a leg lariat. Jim Ross reminds us that Jacqueline is the one with the long black tights on. I guess the audience can’t tell the difference between two black women. After about 10 seconds of AMAZING ACTION Jazz hits a fisherman’s buster for three.

Winner- Jazz

Match #4- Kane vs. Kurt Angle

Angle tries to look Kane in the eye but falls short. He bails to regroup, but Kane follows him out and drops him on the protective barrier. They head back in and Angle falls prey to a powerslam. A clothesline in the corner makes Angle reel. Kane pick Angle up by the throat and throws him down, which does not even keep Angle down long enough for an elbowdrop. Explain to me how doing it with one hand (chokeslam) keeps Angle down for 40 minutes, but a double-arm chokeslam has no effect on him. Angle charges in the corner then hits a fireman’s carry. He tries to chop Kane but the chops are not sold. A sidewalk slam gives Kane the time to head up top. Angle runs the ropes but stumbles a bit. He still manages to grab Kanes head and flip him off the top in a kind of modified belly-to-belly off the top. Angle pounds Kane in the corner and tries to hook the ankle lock. Kane escapes and hits an enziguri. A big boot puts Angle down again. Kane messes up and is caught in the ankle lock. He makes the ropes, but Angle just drags him back to the middle of the ring. Man that is some bad refereeing there. Kurt should have had to break the hold. Kane finally escapes only to fall prey to an Angle Slam. It only gets two! Angle goes nuts and charges at Kane, getting caught by the throat. Angle grabs the ref, so Kane just chokeslams them both! Charles Robinson lands badly, being spiked into Angle’s chest. Kane hooks the ankle lock himself and Angle starts tapping, but we have no ref. Angle reverses and rolls Kane up, holding the ropes. Robinson wakes up just in time to count the pin.

Winner- Kurt Angle

Backstage Stephanie is still on his mega-bitch streak. She finally gets to Hunter who puts a stop to it.

Also backstage, the APA are playing some poker with the Big Show. Booker T comes in and TBS makes fun of him about his incident with Rikishi. Booker takes offense so it is now on like neck bone.

Match #5- Edge and Rob Van Dam vs. William Regal and Test

While the referee checks Regal for steel brass knuckles Test attacks from behind. He eludes an RVD comeback and falls to a full nelson slam. Regal grabs a pair of extra knuckles from the ring steps. The heels use good tag team strategy to keep RVD down. Test hits a pair of big clotheslines on two corners. That gets two. He then grabs a chinlock. The crowd cheers RVD and he escapes the chinlock. Test puts a stop to the comeback with a knee. He tries a vertical suplex but Van Dam escapes and hits a spin kick. Edge gets the hot tag while Regal gets the cold one. Edge puts both heels down but falls to numbers. RVD hits Test off the top with a kick to the face, but Regal knocks him out with the knuckles. Edge spears Regal then hits an implant ddt on Test. Regal gets back up and uses the brass knuckles to knock Edge out and get the pin. Just one complaint, if Nick Patrick is the “evil ref” how come he doesn’t let Regal just keep the knucks in his tights?

Winners- William Regal and Test

Backstage, Christian, Y2J, and Storm are worried about their upcoming match. They become even more worried when they see the APA talking to Rikishi on a monitor. We see a replay of Booker taking the stinkface and throwing up on Michael Cole. I can’t blame him for that, Cole makes me want to hurl as well.

Match #6- Booker T vs. The Big Show

J.R. marvels at Show’s athleticism. Is this the same guy that writes the Ross Reports? TBS goes right to work with his big man moves. He hits a powerslam and a sidewalk slam. Booker ducks a clothesline and Show falls to the outside. Booker follows but is rammed into the post. Back in, Booker clips Shows’s knee then hits a scissors kick. It gets two. Show gets up and hits a single-leg pancake. An avalanche in the corner puts Booker down. Show tries it again and eats boot. The Big Show charges again but Booker gets out of the way and Show falls face-first onto the exposed second turnbuckle (Booker had removed the padding before the match). That is enough to put TBS down for three.
After the match Booker does the spineroonie. Even that was kind of messed up. Booker seems to be in a funk lately.

Winner- Booker T

Michael Cole interviews Stone Cold Steve Austin. The whole thing was pretty much an excuse for everybody to say “what?” By the end of the interview even the audience is getting tired from screaming out “what?” Austin is not afraid of Triple H at the Royal Rumble. Austin is working on a Rumble strategy. He is getting a big beer belly in order to lower his center of gravity, making it harder for him to be eliminated. By the end of this one Cole and Austin were breaking up. This interview picked up big time at the end, but it was mostly comedy.

Match #7- Chris Jericho, Lance Storm, and Christian vs. The APA and Rikishi

Rikishi starts out by beating the crap out of everybody. Storm finally blindsides him with a kick and the heels get the advantage. Jericho comes in but takes a belly-to-belly. Bradshaw comes in and hits a big boot. Storm and Christian try to help out but can’t do it. Jericho finally gets a rollup on Bradshaw. Christian comes in but tries to jump off the second rope and gets caught and slammed. Farooq and Jericho come in. Farooq hits Jericho with a spinebuster. Christian gets the same. He tries to dominate Storm but Storm flips out of it. Bradshaw comes in and hits the clothesline from hell on Christian. Farooq puts Christian down and goes for a pin, but Storm has the ref distracted. Farooq stands up and Jericho sneaks in from behind to hit the breakdown for the pin.

Winners- Storm, Jericho, and Christian

Triple H w/awesome jacket comes out. He is alone, because he told Steph he did not want her out there with him. Amazing pop for Hunter, without a doubt the biggest one of the night. The crowd does the “what?” schtick during H’s interview. Morons. They cut it out pretty soon. Trip states that his comeback is far for complete. He wants to win the Royal Rumble to get a title shot at Wrestlemania. He wants the WWF World Championship to make his comeback complete. Suddenly the glass breaks and Stone Cold Steve Austin makes his way out. Triple H cuts him off in his four turnbuckle salute. They throw simultaneous punches and start to go at it. H escapes the stunner then goes for the pedigree, but Austin reverses. The Undertaker sneaks out and hits Trip in the back with a chair allowing Austin to hit the stunner. Undertaker comes in and knocks Austin out with a chair shot to the head.

That is it for the show. The show started off slow, got better at the end with the added star power. The Rock was missed, but not too much.

Now to clean up PK style.

Non-wrestling Trivia Question for last week – What two words are the earliest documented in the English language?

Answer- priest & town

Non-wrestling Trivia Question for this Week- During Paul Revere’s famed warning ride, what did he really shout instead of “The British are coming”?

Non-wrestling Fun Fact of the Week – The symbol on the Mexican flag is an eagle eating a serpent. This is what the founders of Tenochtitlan were looking for when they found the place where they would begin their city. They found the eagle standing on a cactus, surrounded by water.

O.K., that was kind of crappy but hey, it’s my first time. Before I go I want to plug some things. First of all, read my Heat recap which Flea somehow forgot to plug in the news report. He is forgiven though, because he is the best animal ever to bite at a dog’s flesh. Also, check out the Jakked and Excess reports. Read Jakked twice, because Brower was nice enough to mention me in his report. SK’s rant should be up soon, and I have already finished this week’s Main Event, be sure to be on the lookout for it. Also, if you see Grut tell him we miss him.