Random Network Reviews: Bash at the Beach 1999

Bash at the Beach 1999
July 11th, 1999 | National Car Rental Center in Fort Lauderdale, Florida

So, WCW in 1999 was a pretty rough place to be at times. The WWF had completely taken over in the Monday Night War by this point and it was following the “Fingerpoke of Doom” incident. Of note is the lack of attendance listed as WCW apparently did not provide this information. I seriously couldn’t find it anywhere, but I assume it was around the time that WCW was barely drawing crowds. Considering the product they were putting out, that’s quite understandable.

The opening video package is the standard awful WCW stuff. Their production company sucked hard and I’ve been over that before. Commentary is Tony Schiavone and Bobby Heenan. Man, I hope Heenan is wasted as hell tonight. They are sporting Hawaiian shirts even though the show is in Florida. They hype the card which sounds pretty bad. It involves the World Title being defended in a tag match, a “junkyard invitational” and Judge Mills Lane.

Instead of going to a match, we go to Mean Gene in a Hawaiian shirt of his own. He pumps the WCW hotline [phone]) because there are people backstage that can change the face of wrestling. Why were they still doing this? Hotlines died in the mid 90’s didn’t they? We still don’t go to a match as Mike Tenay is shown in the junkyard and tells us the rules of that match later tonight. Our Hawaiian shirt count is up to four and it has only been six minutes.

Disco Inferno vs. Ernest “The Cat” Miller w/ Sonny Ono
I guess WCW didn’t believe in hot openers. Hilariously, Tony Schiavone says the original stipulation was that the loser would never dance in WCW again but that was changed because both guys protested. It’s that easy to get stipulations changed huh? The Cat cuts a cheap heat promo calling Floridians “rednecks” and wants a dance contest before the match. He kills by saying if he loses, he’ll get his karate gear and kick everyone in the crowd’s ass. We get a dubbed over theme for his entrance but his actual theme hits for his dancing. Who edits this stuff? Disco is attacked during his dance and the match starts. The action isn’t terrible surprisingly, mainly because the Cat is entertaining as hell. Not sure if Bobby Heenan means it but he says that Cat “kicks Disco’s foot with his teeth.” Maybe he is drunk. Disco goes to use Cat’s “dancing shoe” weapon but Sonny distracts the official. Cat puts it on his foot and kicks Disco to win.

Winner: Ernest Miller in 8:07
I fully expected this to be awful but it was actually kind of fun. It was no great wrestling match but I thought it was fine for what it was. Ernest Miller is the MVP so far and he might be by the end of the card too. **

Backstage, Mark Madden interviews Mills Lane, who will referee a boxing match tonight. That should be putrid. A video package airs showing build for the TV Title match. Actually, it’s not a video package and more like full recaps. Ric Flair as WCW President looks like it featured some terrible moments.

WCW World Television Championship
Rick Steiner (c) vs. Van Hammer
Come on WCW, is this really necessary? Rick Steiner cuts a heel promo…but I believe is supposed to be the face. Schiavone calls Van Hammer the hottest young star in our sport, which is sad. Rick is aggressive early on, hitting a DDT on the exposed concrete. I like that spot but Rick totally ruins nit by trying to pin Hammer outside. It looked stupid and I don’t understand why he would even try that. It looked like the build for Hammer was going alright, but he is getting NOTHING here. He finally hits a flying clothesline but his next move is blocked by Rick biting him. Then Rick hits two low blows RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE REFEREE. Seriously? Where the hell is the DQ? Rick hits the top rope bulldog and retains.

Winner and Still WCW World Television Champion: Rick Steiner in 3:05
Seriously? You book Van Hammer to gain momentum and then have Rick Steiner dominate him on PPV? Now I’m no fan of Van Hammer but surely the booking could have been better. This was terrible in every single way. DUD

Mike Tenay takes us to the Junkyard for the big hardcore match tonight. It’s non-sanctioned since Ric Flair banned hardcore matches and the only way to win is to leave the junkyard. I feel like this is either going to be ridiculous fun or hideously awful.

A recap is shown of David Flair winning the United States Title. Seriously that happened. Judging by the video shown, it looks like Ric just gave it to him like Eric Bischoff gave the World Title to Triple H. While the WWF had Jeff Jarrett, Chyna and Chris Jericho work for the Intercontinental Title at the tail end of 1999, WCW had the US Title on David Flair.

WCW United States Championship
David Flair (c) w/ Torrie Wilson, Ric Flair, Asya, Arn Anderson and Charles Robinson vs. Dean Malenko
At least I get to see Torrie Wilson here, so it’s not a total loss. Her skirt is remarkably short. Dean Malenko just beats the hell out of David Flair. Now, I would like to point out that I watched a WCW show from February of this year where David beat up his dad and cost him a big match. Now they’re together. Ric gets in and is taken out. Malenko applies the Cloverleaf, so Anderson just takes out the referee. Malenko puts Asya in the Cloverleaf, so Ric lays out Dean with the belt. Charles Robinson puts on the referee shirt and counts the three.

Winner and still WCW United States Champion: David Flair in 3:04
My goodness this sucked. It was a clear play off of Shane McMahon’s European Title run, except Shane was way better than David Flair. Shane and X-Pac had a fun match at WrestleMania while David Flair never had a good anything. DUD

We get to hear the awesome “Rap is Crap” song by the West Texas Rednecks. Master P and his boys are part of it and they act like the most awful stereotypical rapper and entourage combination in history. This feud looks pitiful. Curt Hennig deserved better.

Eight Man Elimination Tag Team Match
The West Texas Rednecks (Curt Hennig, Kendall Windham, Barry Windham and Dobby Duncum Jr.) vs. the No Limit Soldiers (WCW Cruiserweight Champion Rey Mysterio, Konnan, Swol and BA w/ 4×4 and Chase
The faces outnumber the heels, so that’s already off to a bad start. Then, the fact that there is a guy named Swol working here makes this way worse. Konnan cuts a promo claiming that when they win the West Texas Rednecks will “toss their salads.” Yup. BA is Brad Armstrong for those unaware. Surprisingly, this gets off to a decent start, but that’s mainly because Curt Hennig is involved. I can’t hear Duncum without thinking of Chris Jericho. Swol gets tagged and botches a clothesline. Someone eliminate him please. Swol doesn’t sell and hits another ugly clothesline. Rey comes in to try and save this but it isn’t working. For some reason, Swol is tagged back in and does two of the UGLIEST covers in history, eliminating Duncum at 6:26. As Duncum tries to leave, 4×4 and Chase beat him up outside. HOW ARE THEY THE FACES? There has been absolutely no structure to this. Hennig and BA have an awkward exchange, so Hennig gets pissed and just hits the Hennig-Plex to get rid of him at 9:07. Konnan uses a DDT to dump Kendall at 10:52. None of this has been even remotely interesting. Again, as Kendall leaves, he’s jumped outside. For no real reason, Barry and Konnan are counted out together at some point. Oh goodness, Swol is gonna survive this whole thing isn’t he? Hennig vs. Mysterio would probably be pretty good. Rey gets on Swol’s shoulders and hits a headbutt from there to give his team the victory.

Winners: The No Limit Soldiers in 15:36
I was so close to giving this the DUD rating, but I can’t bring myself to do that to Curt Hennig. He seemed to at least be trying but everything about this match sucked. The faces acted like heels, Swol was horrible, there was no structure, the moves looked sloppy and almost nothing made sense. ¼*

Commentary goes over the tag team main event, because the WCW World Title is on the line. Sting and Kevin Nash are partners, but Sting could pin Nash and win the belt. What?

Junkyard Hardcore Invitational
The participants aren’t announced beforehand and there are no proper introductions. I see Public Enemy turn over a car and Tony Schiavone hypes their return like it’s a big deal. Jerry Flynn stick electrical wire into an engine and nothing happens so he holds it there until the spot finally works. Steven Regal, Horace, Hugh Morris and Fit Finley are seen. I see La Parka in his mask and regular street clothes which gives me a chuckle. Jimmy Hart is in a bright yellow shirt and a bicycle helmet for moral support I guess. I believe he was managing Hugh Morris at the time. There is too much going on here in a bad way as it is just a bunch of jobbers beating on each other with various weapons. We do see an attempted murder as someone drives a forklift to take a car to the crusher WHILE FIT FINLEY WAS IN THE TRUNK! Thankfully he escaped. I guess because he nearly died, hey climbs out and escapes the junkyard.

Winner: Fit Finley in 13:51
Honestly, I don’t even know what to call this. It’s like WCW saw that WWE was successful in creating a hardcore division but they absolutely sucked at it. There was nothing to this but random attacks with weapons. It wasn’t even fun because you couldn’t tell what was going on half of the time. DUD

To build up the WCW Tag Team Title match, we see Perry Saturn and Chris Benoit get attacked backstage by the Jersey Triad a few weeks ago. Bigelow throws a small structure onto Saturn but it barely taps his knee. This terrible thing is kept in the video package for some reason.

WCW World Tag Team Championship
The Jersey Triad (c) vs. Chris Benoit and Perry Saturn
It baffles me that WCW took the incredibly popular Diamond Dallas Page and turned him heel. The Jersey Triad took the Freebird rule to a new level, where the three guys would swap in and out, effectively making things handicap matches. Anyway, this begins with some solid tag work as all five guys seem to be on their game. Surprisingly, the faces work heat on Kanyon. With the numbers advantage in the Triad’s favor, plus them being heels, I was sure it would be the other way around. Thinking about it, it’s early on so the faces look good before taking the real heat, which is on Saturn. The fans come alive for something happening in the stands which is good since the last two matches kind of killed them. Saturn hits a belly to belly on Kanyon from the top and hot tags in Benoit. He’s on fire until the numbers game comes into play and DDP takes him out with a flying clothesline. The Triad now really work Benoit, getting in some pretty cool spots actually. DDP hits a nice sitout powerbomb for two as Benoit is the face in peril this time. Saturn gets our second hot tag and delivers some superkicks and a double clothesline to take out two men. They get Bigelow on the mat, Saturn hits a splash, Benoit hits the headbutt but DDP breaks the pin. Because this is WCW, we get an awful ref bump and Kanyon tosses powder into Saturn’s eye. Even so, they get close near falls on both DDP and Kanyon. The referee goes down again, just as a strange trash can is brought in. Bigelow and DDP do their version of a 3D and that’s all she wrote.

Winners and still WCW World Tag Team Champions: The Jersey Triad in 23:16
Up until the cheesy referee bumps, I thought this was really good. It is easily the best match on the show so far and goes to show that the guys putting on the best matches weren’t the guys in the prime positions on the card. The score is indeed hurt by the finishing sequences. ***½

Boxing Match
Buff Bagwell w/ Judy Bagwell vs. Roddy Piper w/ Ric Flair
We see Mills Lane announce that he will be the special referee last week and he says they will get it on in California…umm Florida. Michael Buffer does the introductions and I swear, I feel like WCW paid him more than the competitors but he is atrocious. Whoever told Roddy Piper that he could perform in 1999 with no shirt was lying to him. Buff as a face is extremely miscast, especially with him having his mommy around. Judy Bagwell not only comes out to Buff’s theme, but trips before entering the ring. The first round ends with nothing of note happening. Flair sprays something on Piper’s gloves, which blinds Bagwell. After two rounds, Piper attacks and Judy bites his ear before putting a bucket on his head. Bagwell hits the blockbuster and somehow wins via pin.

Winner: Buff Bagwell in 4:36
The whole thing took longer but there was only four and a half minutes of actual boxing. I didn’t hate it but having it end via pin is ridiculous. *

Hilariously, when Bobby Heenan complains that Roddy Piper was cheated, Tony Schiavone is straight up like “Have you ever seen a night here with no cheating?”

WCW World Heavyweight Championship
Kevin Nash (c) and Sting vs. Sid Vicious and Macho Man w/ Madusa, Miss Madness and Gorgeous George
During the intros, Michael Buffer claims the challengers are two men who could care less about title belts. Well that should get the match over shouldn’t it? Gorgeous George goes over to Nash’s side even though he basically kidnapped her a few weeks back. Macho Man must be a Morman as he is pissed that one of his THREE women are leaving. Sting pretty much does everything on his own early. Sid comes back and we get some of the most basic tag team work possible. Nobody seems to be motivated and I honestly can’t blame them. Madusa and Molly Holly get in cheap shots on Sting. With the stipulation of anyone who pins winning the title, I’d expect them to do more to bring that into play. Sting ends up falling on Sid’s crotch before tagging the champion. Molly and Alundra get involved and all take Stinger Splashes before Sting hits one on Savage and Nash at the same time. A loud Goldberg or Boring chant starts. Gorgeous George turns heel again, hitting Nash with a low blow that they botch. Sid slams Nash as Savage follows with the elbow and is your new champion.

Winner and New WCW World Heavyweight Champion: Macho Man in 13:20
Here was four guys who put pretty much no effort into the main event and it showed. There was nothing outwardly bad about this but nothing good either. The odd stipulation barely came into play. *¼

2.0

The final score: review Very Bad

The 411

Another bad show from WCW and they are especially bad from this era. The only match that is really worth anything was the Tag Team Title bout. The only other thing on this entire card to even crack two stars was the opener and that was based on pure entertainment over wrestling skill. I had to endure Swol, topless Piper, Rick Steiner vs. Van Hammer, US Champ David Flair and a damn Junkyard match. If I find a good WCW Pay-Per-View from their last two+ years, I’ll be stunned.