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oh hai, Marks!

We start the show with the lovely Ms Bliss in the center of the ring with the briefcases hanging above her. She introduces the four men from RAW who will be in the match, and starts with Braun Strowman.

According to Renee, Braun’s muscles have muscles. Out next is Ricochet, who is still waiting for Mr. Kennedy’s mic to drop down.

Drew McIntyre is out next, followed by Corbin, who takes some offense to Alexa not listing off his mouthful of accolades.

Ricochet, of all peeps, speak up and point out that Corbin lost the time he cashed in. Corbin wonders if someone said something, because apparently Ricochet is a little man, thereby not having a say.

Drew says Ricochet has a point, look what he did last week after he stole a victory – he blew it. Drew is tired of the excuses and will win the title. The power will be in his hands, and he guarantees –

Ricochet says they can blame each other all night, he didn’t come here to talk.

Drew tells him to shut up, then. He tells Ricochet to stick to the high flying and aerial maneuvers and leave the business talk to the grown ups. If he doesn’t, Drew will drop him where he stnds, and while Corbin does that, he will climb the ladder – and drew cuts him off, again. They get in each other’s faces. Braun finally speaks, saying to shut up, the reality of it all is that none of them have what it takes to stop him. Mr. Monster in the Bank. So how about a little preview; Corbin and Drew vs Ricochet and Braun.

Match 1: Braun Strowman and Ricochet vs Baron Corbin and Drew McIntyre
Braun and Corbin to start. Braun with a hard right and a clothesline, sending Corbin to the outside. Tag to Ricochet who hits a swinging kick then a moonsault off the corner. Ricochet heads up to the apron as Corbin slides in the ring. Shoulder, then a kick to the face. Springboard clothesline! Corbin rushes to his corner. Tag to Drew. Drew enters the ring slowly, locks up, then tosses Ricochet to the corner. Rights by Ricochet, a kick, ducks a clothesline, hops right into th arms of Drew, then sets up for a suplex. Ricochet lands on his feet, and Drew chops him! Drew stomps the hand of Ricochet. Drew with a right, but it’s blocked. A right from Ricochet, but he runs into an elbow. Tag to Corbin who comes in and gets himself…a rest hold. Ricochet finally escapes, flips over kicks, lands on his feet, kip up, dropkick, sends Drew off the apron, springboards with a shoulder, but Corbin hits him hard with a right hand!!

We come back to the riveting art that is a Corbin rest hold. Braun gets in the ring, the ref stops him, and Corbin stomps Ricochet in the corner. Corbin taunts the crowd, then grabs Ricochet and sends him into the corner back first hard. Corbin runs into a kick. He side swaps a possible dropkick and sends Ricochet to the outside. Braun goes to prevent Drew from attacking Ricochet. Corbin leaves the ring and attacks Corbin from behind. Braun no sells it. He turns and chases Corbin around the ring, RIGHT INTO A CLAYMORE FROM DREW!!!! Corbin grabs Ricohet and sends him into the ring. Pin for 1…2..NO!!! Corbin sends Ricochet to the corner. Tag to Drew. Chop from Drew. Cover for 1…2..NO!!! Drew with a chinlock, half chicken wing from behind. Drew with a tilt a whirl back breaker and a pin for 1..2…NO!!! Drew reaches for a tag. Gets one, while still holding onto Ricochet. Corbin in to grab Ricochet and stand him up. Corbin sends Ricochet to the corner. Richochet springboards into a hit. Drew waits for a Claymore. He cowers in the corner.

Blind tag from Corbin! Braun is in! Powerslam! Ricochet off the top! Pin for 1…2…3!!!

Winners: Braun Strowman and Ricochet
k.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Ricochet flexing next to Braun at the top of the ramp is hilarious.

The Usos are here. They have decided to….sing on the way down to the ramp.

They get in the ring. Music hits. They chant, “Down since…day one ish…”

Oh, this is an unnecessary addition to their schtick….

We come back to The Usos still claiming Down Since.

Gallows and Anderson are here to totally not lose

Match 2: The Usos vs Gallows and Anderson

Cole says that these two teams are “starting off their careers here on Raw.” What?

Anyways, Uso hits a clothesline and covers Anderson for 1..2..NO!!! Shoulder in the corner and in comes Jimmy off a tag. Clothesline in the corner. Pin for 1..2.NO!!! Anderson sends Jimmy into the corner hard with a right hand to follow. Again. Another. Face scratch. Tag to Gallows. Whip and it’s cut short. Uppercut to Gallows. Chop into the corner. Mounted punches up to 4, but Gallows knocks down Jey as Jimmy sends Gallows off the apron. Jimmy looks to fly, but Gallows stops him with a right hand. He grabs the hair of Jimmy and sends him neck first into the bottom rope. Gallows is held back by the ref. Chop from Jimmy. He hits the ropes then runs right into a big boot. Pin for 1…2..NO!!!

Back, and we get a double team on what looks like Jimmy. Cover from Anderson for 1..2..NO!! Cravat from behind as Cole tries to remind us who Gallows and Anderson are.Jimmy opens the hold up, hits the roeps, and gets kicked right back down. Pin for 1..2.NO!!! He sets Jimmy up in the conrer. Tags in Gallows. They hit a double team neckbreaker back suplex combo. Pin for 1…2..nO!!! Stomp to Jimmy. Right hand to the face. Another. Uso with a spinning Enziguri. Both men down. Tag to Jey. Tag to Karl. Clothelsine. Kick from Jey. Uppercut. Ducks, SAMOAN DROP! Butt Splash in the corner. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Jey rushes the corner, misses a splash, gets hit with a Spinebuster. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Gallows is in. They want the Magic Killer. Jimmy in with a Superkick to Anderson. Gallows sends him out. Jey with a Superkick. Tag to Jimmy. Superkick from both Usos.

Jey flies through the ropes. Splash off the top from Jimmy. Pin for 1…2..3!!!

Winners: The Usos
The Usos have that energy man…
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **1/2
Total Rating: **1/2

The Usos are on the mic, and wants to give a shout out to The Good Usos. They want to put the kids to sleep and make sure our granny’s eyes are closed. We see some footage of The Usos rollin by the bathroom, and they stumble upon The Revival. Dash is shaving the back of Dawson. The Usos make fun of the scene, then tell the live crowd that they’ve “Got Em!”

Out come The Revival. Dash says this is an invasion of privacy. Dawson says they are men. Being a man, like himself, he has a bit of body hair. A sprig or two on his back and considering the size of his arms and girth of his lats, reaching his back isn’t always the easiest. It’s a scientific impossibility, so he asks his best friend to help him out, and I can’t believe I’m typing this out…

The Miz is here to hype up Miz TV. He’s still the A Lister, but this is a whole new era for him. He’s ready for new challengers and even newer guests. He introduces Bobby Lashley.

Lashley comes down to the ring to speak in the third person like an idiot. Miz mentions this, then considers Lashley as the perfect guest. He is one of the most athletically gifted superstars to ever come in the ring. He is talented, yet there are some people that think that Lashley has yet to put it all together, and its not meant to be an insult, but some people speculate that Lashley may not be reaching his full potential.

Lashley, still in third person, gets the What chant. He says Lashley has been here for 1 year, and he is already a IC champ. What has Miz done?

Miz removes his glasses, taken aback and utterly shocked at the question. The Old Miz would have said that he is an 8 time IC champ, 7 time tag team champ, 2 time US champ, WWE Champ, etc. We’d be here for a very long time, but The New Miz….No one is questioning Miz’s potential. If anything, he’s an overachiever – have you seen his wife? But Miz did all of this without a shred of Lashley’s athletic ability.

Lashley wants ot talk about what Miz DIDN’T do at Mania. Shane put a whoopin on Miz and his old man. Lashley wants to talk about Shane punching his baked-potato looking father. Miz had an opportunity for payback, and Lashley screwed it up. No wonder his father thinks he’s worthless….

When was that ever a thing?

Miz attacks Lashley, kicking him in the face and throwing a chair at him as Lashley stands on the outside. Miz removes the jacket, and it looks like we’re going to have a match.

Match 3: The Miz vs Bobby Lashley
We come back and Lashley hits a suplex on The Miz. Miz looks to hit a clothesline in the corner until Shane’s music hits. It distracts The Miz, but only for a second. Miz hits the ropes, swings through, hits Lashley, then stares down Shane. He tosses Lashley back in the ring, Shane rushes down the ramp, Lashley tries to attack, but Miz hangs him up, rolls Lashley up for 1..2..N!O!! Kick. DDT Pin for 1..2..NO!!! IT Kicks from The Miz. Shane hops on the apron and Miz’s dad is on the tron.

SPEAR FROM LASHLEY! Pin for 1…2…3!!!!

Winner: Bobby Lashley
Yay. More Shane!…..
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Shane heads inot the ring to hold up Lshley’s hand. Lashley leaves. Shane then smacks Miz. Kick. Right hand. Da hell is this happening? Lol. Miz shoots the legs, goes to attack, but Lashley is back and hits a chokeslam like move. Shane removes his jacket and beats down Miz. He sits on his chest and goes to town on The Miz. He locks Miz in a choke hold with his legs and talks some shit.

Shane has a mic. He says it’s too bad Miz is unconscious, but to just remember this: He is the best in the world.

The Minnesota Viking Raiders of Oakland cut a mini promo in a square before the next match. As they make their way down the ramp, they are attacked by a trio of Mexicans.

Match 4: The Minnesota Viking Raiders of Oakland vs Lucha House Party
Calisto attacks fast, then tags in Metalik, who hits the ropes, springboards, but homeboy hits a freakin cartwheel and knocks Metalik on his ass. Tag to Erik who comes in with some knees. Uppercuts from metalik, but Erik backs into the corner, gets a tag, and we go for a double team but Metalik escapes and tags in Kalisto, who catches him in the middle of the air and hits a fall away slam. Tag to Erik, who squashes metalik after Ibar gets his own splash. Erik lifts Ibar and sends him into Metalik.

Tag to Ibar, who grabs Kalisto and sends him into Erik, who sends him into the air, which is followed by a powerslam from Ibar, known as The Viking Experience. Pin for 1..2….3!!

Winners: The Minnesota Viking Raiders of Oakland
Nice way to expose why Ibar is fun to watch, although, similar to The Good Brothers, it’s against opponents that no one care about, and some would say actually want to lose.
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *1/2

The behemoths grab Lince and pull him into the ring. Erik holds him up while Ibar hits a springboard flying clothesline. Nice.

We return to Alexa Bliss at the top of the ramp. She wants to introduce the women in the MitB match. The first woman….is Natalya. She comes out in her cat ears, and says that when she wins the match, everything will change. Alexa brushes it off and announces…Dana Brooke as the next competitor.

There is no chair for Dana. That’s kinda rude. She’s excited, she can’t believe it’s happening. This is her chance to hp in the front. She’s sick of being told to wait her turn. Natalya wonders if she thinks that nattie is holding her back. Dana says no offense, and Nattie proves that she is so smart by knowing saying “no offense” before you start a sentence, means total offense.

Alexa tells the girls to take their catty arguments off her show. She then announces Naomi as the next competitor. Naomi is out. She says her only focus and goal here is to become the RAW Women’s Champ, PeriodT!

Nattie and Dana have been waiting for this opportunity as well. Nattie will be the champ. Enough, says Nattie. Alexa calls them worse than the men. These three were the fortunate ones, and now there is one other girl back there hoping and praying that she hears her name. So stop fighting, not for Alexa’s show, but for the dignity of the division. Alexa then says that the last and final competitor is….

ALEXA BLISS! 😀

Speaking of opportunity, they all can leave as Alexa gets the attention she deserves. Naomi says if she’s in the MitB match, let’s get a little preview. Naomi vs Alexa tonight. Alexa says she would, but she doesn’t want to. She’s not even in the right shoes. Naomi says she can beat Alexa with her shoes on or off. Naomi giggles annoyingly, which is enough to convince Alexa. Nattie and Dana….just kind of stand there awkwardly.

Its time for more Firefly Fun House!

BWyatt is painting! He loves to paint. He says it’s a way of expressing himself, and when we do that, no one can hurt tou. In comes a rambling rabbit named Rambling Rabbit. He wonders what Bray is painting. Bray shows him, and we see a painting of the Wyatt barn being burned.

The Witch is awake, causing the rabbit to scurry. She told him not to fool around in the fun house. Bray was a very bad boy. Bray says that’s all in the past, and to take it easy. He’s really sorry for what he did. All of we forgive him, right?

-Canned applause and acceptance-

The Witch says to keep it down while she tries to rest. Wyatt sneakily walks away, says Abby’s a bit of a…sociopath. The rabbit is back, and says that this should be the word of the day.

Sociopath. Bray spells it out for us. Bray reminds us fireflies, he will light the way, and all we have to do is let him in.

See ya…

I missed the first minute or so mof this match due to a surprise necessity for urination and a fear of Spanky’s kidney issues sooooooo….

Match 5: Alexa Bliss vs Naomi
Alexa with a two count of a pin and she shows frustration at her totally non-wrestling shoes coming unlaced. She chokes Naomi on the ropes a bit then gets rolled up by Naomi for 1..2..NO!!! Alexa with a kick to the stomach. Alexa with a rest hold from behind. Alexa sends Naomi into the corner off the bulldog attempt, then pulls her head down, slamming it into the mat. Alexa with a kick, then she sends Naomi back down face first. Alexa sends Naomi’s face into the mat one more time then pins for 1..2..NO!!! Naomi with a right. Another. She hits a few over and over. Alexa sends her to the outside. She goes to tie her shoes, gets the knots in, then kicks Naomi off the apron. She finishes up her lace job, then gets hit in the gut by Naomi’s shoulder. Sunset flip and a pin for 1..2.NO!!! Jawbreaker from Naomi. She grabs the legs, but Alexa slips out of her shoes! She sends Naomi into the corner. Alexa goes to grab her shoe, yells at the ref.

Naomi with the booty bump. Split-legged moonsault. Pin for 1…2…3!!!!

Winner: Naomi
A lot of “creativity” in the matches tonight that ultimately result in nothing…weird.
Match Quality: *1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: *3/4

Backstage, Rey’s son is motivating him. In comes Charley, who probably shouldn’t be in the men’s locker room. Rey says that his first night on Raw, he was man-handled by Lars. It’s not easy being Rey, living in a world of giants. He’s gotta get back up after getting knocked down. Mania was embarrassing. He felt like he left everyone down, most importantly his son, Dominic, cuz that’s his name, in case you didn’t know. He then says he is a better man, and he will prove it tonight against Joe. He claps hands with his son for the third time.

Real photo of all of us looking up to Alexa Bliss

Becky Two Belts is in the ring with Charley, and Chuck calls her impulsive, bringing up the fact that Becky will be defending two belts come MitB. The crowd chants, calling her Becky Two Belts. She wasn’t being impulsive, and there is nothing impulsive about what she is doing. She has two options; protect all she has, or fight for it. And she only knows how to fight. Charley says that this is reducing the odds, but Becky cuts her off and says she doesn’t care about odds. A year ago, nobody thought she could main event Mania, but she did. A month ago, Ronda Rousey was unbeaten. Many thought she was unbeatable until she beat her. Becky say nothing she has done is an accident. Charlotte was holding the division hostage, and she won’t do that, even if it puts her at a huge disadvantage. Talk about impulses and odds, but just remember this: She didn’t make history by dodging anybody, she made it by beating everybody. So she says bring on her opponents. Charlotte still has pedigree, but The Man still has her number. Lacey Evans, that plank, she is tremendous with a great right hand, but she’s hitting someone who likes it. Becky will tell her where and when her beating is coming, and it’s at the Money in the Bank PPV.

Charley respects her confidence, but speaking of the Right Hand, was last week a preview of what we can expect at Money in the Bank?

We get a recap of the shitty punch followed by the not-so-shitty punch shortly thereafter.

Becky says that wasn’t a preview, that was a reminder. She takes the mic, and says that if lacey isn’t too busy currying favors, how bout she come out here and get a little payback. Come out and let Becky remind her of what she’s dealing with.

Isn’t it just like a man to want what he wants when he wants it, says Lacey. She calls out the Irish temper and says she is trying her best not to lose her manners, but Lacey warned Becky last week to not allow her emotions to get the best of her, sweetheart, and Becky didn’t listen, so she is done talking.

Lacey rushes down the ramp and meets Becky at the bottom. They tussle about until some refs come. Becky attacks, breaking the ref’s hold. Lacey escapes as well, kicking away until more agents come out. Becky with another flight of punches, escaping the clutches of Finlay. The girls are split apart yet again, talking shit back and forth. They are able to escape yet again, and attack the hair of one another. Apparently Becky hit a right, according to Cole. Becky hops up on the apron, talking shit from an elevated position, and I love that. Lacey calls for Becky to “come on,” as she walks to the back, which I like less.

Hawkins and Ryder have new music that’s like a Bonus Round of Streets of Rage.

Match 6: Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins vs The Revival
Hawkins and Dash to start. Hawkins with a side headlock takedown. Leg scissors and Hawkins kips out as Cole wonders how they can concentrate after what happened earlier tonight. Hawkins with a cover for 1. Tag to Ryder. Whip to Dash. Hawkins sends the face into the apron and Ryder dives theough the ropes with a kick. Ryder tosses Dash into the ring. Tag from Dawson who kicks and covrs Ryder for 1..2..NO!!! Leg drop and an elbow drop. Headbutt. Back suplex to Ryder followed by a SHAVE YOUR BACK chant…ugh.

Knee drop to the face of Ryder. Pin for 1..NO! Stomp to Ryder. He sends Ryder into a knee. Dash in with a right hand in the corner. Chop. Tag to Dawson. Whip from Dash as Dawson drops an elbow on the head. Cover. Pin for 1…2..NO! Dawson works the arm behind Ryder, locking it up and scraping his face. Dawson mocks the crowd and kicks Ryder as he’s locked up against the ropes. Ref is distracted so Dash hits the back of Ryder. Tag to Dash. Leg drop onto Ryder and a pin for 1..2..NO!!! Right hand from Dash. He works the arm of Ryder behind his head again. Neckbreaker by Ryder. Tag to Dawson who cuts the tag off and sends Hawkins to the outside. Ryder hits his head to the back of Dawson’s head, and Dawson falls into a pin for 1..2..NO!!!

Ryder turns the momentum with a crucifix pin and gets the 1…2….3!!!

Winners: CurtHawkins and Zack Ryder
I mean, they ARE the champs, but they also got their ass handed to them the entire match.
Match Quality: *1/2
Personal Enjoyment: *1/2
Total Rating: *1/2

Who’s the blonde?

The Miz says shane made this personal. At the Money in the Bank, how about they stay and fight in the ring. Miz wants a steel cage match.

The interviewer smiles as Miz walks away. Steel must turn her on.

Sami is out to say that he did a lot of soul searching over his vacation. He had time to rekindle his love for history, psychology, sociology, human condition, and especially with psychology, it really helped him to make sense of we people. In fact, there’s one concept that stuck with him. He wants it on the board:

SOCIOPATH

Oh wait, sorry, that’s not it.

It’s Psychological Entitlement. A general belief that one deserves more, or is entitled to more, than others. It’s almost not our fault because we’ve been fed that the customer is always right, but that’s a lie. We’ve come to think that whatever we want is correct, and if we don’t get what we want when we want it how we want it, we throw baby tantrums.

Recently, a little boy asked him to sign an action figure, and naturally, Sami said no, and the boy cried and ran away. It did not make him feel good; it made him sick because this kid already, at age 5, has been taught that he is owed something. He already think that Sami owes him something. Guess what, he doesn’t owe anyone anything. From here on out, we get whatever he decides to give us. Sami has people attacking him left and right, saying if he doesn’t like the WWE, he should just quit. Do we want him to quit? The crowd says yes. Trust him, quitting the WWE would be amazing. It would be amazing. But what would be a little bit more amazing, is coming out here week after week and holding every single one of us accountable for our actions, calling us out on our crap, and being the critic of the critics. We’ve been drunk with power, and no one has stood up to us, but it’s time Sami takes the power back.

Mic Drop

Samoa Joe is in the ring. He brings up Rey’s son. He says when he looks at Dominic, he sees a son ashamed of how quickly Joe put Rey asleep at Mania. In fact, if Rey was a decent father, he would have got Dom a mask just like Rey’s so he can hide that shame in public. Tonight, masks won’t save Rey from Joe. HE should be signing the contract tonight against Seth. It is because of Rey that he isn’t, and because of this, he will destroy Rey in such a way that will pale in comparison to his Mania beat down.

Match 7: Samoa Joe vs Rey Mysterio

Joe is quick with a kick then a bunch of punches to the face of Rey. Rey fights back, hitting some elbows to the face. Knee from Joe. Joe sends Rey to the outside. Joe flies to the outside but Rey gets in the ring first and sends Joe right back out then flies off the top rope onto Joe. Rey in the ring, slides under the bottom rope, and looks for the senton, but Joe gets ak nee up and Rey suffers.

Back from a break, and Joe is cinching the head of Mysterio. Mysterio escapes. Rey kicks. Rey with a DDT off the ropes! Cover for 1…2..NO!!! Rey gets shoved to the corner. Joe slumbers towards him, Rey sides under, head scissors into the turnbuckle. 619 to Joe’s gut! Rey on the top rope. He flies. Hurricanrana into the ropes. 619 again, but Joe shoves Rey away and locks him in The Clu—no!!! Rey drops and kicks above his head, sending Joe to the corner. Rey rushes the corner. URANAGE! Joe grabs the head and rags Rey by the mask.

Joe looks for another Uranage, but Rey escapes and stacks Joe up near th ropes for 1…2….3!!!

Winner: Rey Mysterio
Weird ending sequence there
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Now, to the contract signing.

AJ Styles is out first. Seth is next, and Cole is here to ask the dumb questions. He wonders what winning the title would mean to AJ.

AJ says that’s the whole reason why he came to RAW. AJ is all smiles. Smackdown was good to him for two amazing years. He built that house. He’s proud of what he did there. But this is RAW. This is where it’s at; where the craziest fans are. Sure buddy.

AJ tells Seth that he’s always like him. Known him many years. Good guy, Seth is, but he has something AJ wants. He wants the Universal Championship. They both know that when you want something bad enough; you’ll do some unexpecting things to get it. Winners find a way. Seth is a winner. He is the Universal champion. He’s known Seth for many years, and how many times has it been said that Seth Rollins will be the new AJ Styles?
So many times, says AJ. Seth is stronger, faster, younger, Truth is; Seth will never be The Phenomenal AJ Styles. Seth says, he’s right, there’s only one, and as much as a compliment as it is, he never wanted to be the next AJ Styles, or anyone else for that matter. He’s always wanted to be the first Seth Freakin Rollins. He appreciates it all, but look around; things are different. Ropes are red, Cole isn’t Phillips. This isn’t AJ’s house, it’s Seth’s house. He will have to be better than Phenomenal if AJ wants to take the title from Seth at MitB.

AJ Knows how much the title means to Seth. He knows what Seth went through; Seth ran himself ragged. Wasn’t Seth obsessed iwth showing that he was a workhorse? How is Seth holding up?

BURN IT DOWN chant tries to get off

AJ says they’ll burn it down and he will build it back up. He wants to know how Seth is feeling because his little team; his little brotherhood…they’re not here to keep him going and hold him up. AJ Doesn’t think Seth has much left; but AJ is ready to go…NOW. See the shirt? Never Rest. Never Rust. Buy now. Online. AJ will be that bulldog nippin at the heels of Seth, and at Money in the Bank, he’s going to latch on, sink his teeth in, and he won’t let go until he’s standing over Seth as the new Universal Champion.

AJ Signs.

Seth says their success stories may be similar, but there’s one thing that seperates them. One thing Seth has done but AJ never did. He beat Brock Lesnar, and that’s why he’s holding this, while AJ is trying to take it away. How is he holding up? Ask Brock, because he was at his best when he beat Brock at Mania, and he will be at his best at Money in the Bank.

Seth signs.

AJ grabs the title and looks at it as Cole leaves the ring.

AJ hands the title over to Seth. Rollins holds It high over hishead in the face of AJ. AJ looks to leave the ring as the crowd chants SHAVE HIS BACK….

AJ cheap shots Seth and beats him down. He grabs Seth, but Seth is there to hit him then kick him out of the ring. Seth with a suicide dive onto AJ. Seth hops back in the ring and talks some shit about starting fights. AJ on the apron. He hits an elbow. Phenomenal Forearm onto Seth through the table!

End Show