Man Movie Encyclopedia: Stone Cold

Greetings, all.

Yeah, not much to say here in the preamble other than how much it sucks that Larry has passed. I didn’t have a super strong relationship with him, but he’s the man who gave me my shot here at 411mania, and he was always so damn friendly. Beyond that, he was my connection to modern wrestling, as I quit watching a decade ago, and use to read his report every Tuesday morning so I’d be up to speed.

Hopefully my humor’s on point with this one, so we can start getting back to what Larry would dig, us readers just having a good time. Rest in peace, Larry.

We open up with some no goodknicks robbing a grocery store, however, they’re gonna need a clean up on isle-10, because Brian Bosworth is here, in a sweet, massive leather duster and mullet. Seriously, who’s gonna rob a grocery store? You and the gang gonna ride high on a score of $17.46? We then see where the film got it’s budget, MASSIVE brand placement. Seriously, ever single shot when he’s in here it’s him framed by name-brands. I wanna hear what he’s saying, but it’s hard to hear him over how loud the brand placement is. Hahah, HOLY SHIT! He actually did the “clean up in asile 4” joke. Amazing. Naturally, he’s on suspension, cause he plays by his own rules. I mean….holy shit, was this movie forged out of the great Action Movie Cliche Boulder that’s located in Arnold’s backyard or something? Love it. We then get clips of a biker gang that feature Ice [William Forsythe], so hell yes. They’re an evil bunch, and we see them murdering a judge who sentenced a member of theirs to 45 years for murdering a priest. Why? I dunno, cause now we’re checking out Joe [Boz] make a protein shake with OJ, two snickers bar, chips, a banana, two eggs [with shells], and some hot sause. Turns out to be for his Komodo dragon [although apparently it’s not a Komodo, but I don’t care] Jesus Christ, what fucking movie is this?

The FBI needs Joe to go undercover into the Brotherhood, a biker gang in Mississippi. Afterward, we have to see Joe in a pair of black, bikini manties, and it’s weird. Joe is set up with a dorky FBI partner, because this film is deadset to give you ever sweet, fantastic, cliché. We then see him head to a strip joint called Tit For Tat, where it’s apparently A-cup night. I’m pretty sure the building here is the same one used for the Double Deuce from Roadhouse. He heads in, and ends up helping a few Brothers out in a fight, which gets him invited to a Brotherhood rally this weekend. While there, he ends up beating Ice [Forsythe] in a bike race, and brawling with a dude who looks exactly like Kenny Omega.

Turns out it’s Sam McGee, actually, star of that Holy Grail match with Bret that was recently documented on the WWE Network.
The leader of the gang is named Chains, and he’s played by an almost unrecognizable Lance Henriksen. Apparently Stone is an arms dealer? Or something? They never mention it, unless I missed it.

Either way, Stone shows up and gives Chains a bullet proof vest, which Chains has Stone put on before shooting him, which pisses Stone off, and Chains is all “Wtf, man! I just shot you, why you getting so mad? Sensitive”. Seriously, I swear to God, the process of making this movie was 20 different people wrote a scene, and they put those scenes together as a movie.
Stone’s then offered to prospect, which he accepts. Part of his initiation is he’s gotta go kill some dude that’s been selling coke on their turf. Stone uses his FBI connections to get the dude out of town, and then uses a corpse’s ear to make it seem like he cut it off the other guy.
Later, he’s sent on a run with another member, and that dude gets blown up by a rival gangster named DaMici [who we NEVER see again! Even though he’s blowing up people and they’re constantly talking about revenge against him]. He ends up surviving, but I don’t know if it has anything to do with the plot. This movie literally just jumps around. Speaking of which, Stone has some meth he wants to sell Chains, because he knows Chains will involve the mob, and he can bust both of’em with one sale. What the fuck happened to the arms deal?! Meanwhile, Chains’ old-lady falls for Stone, because he always wears a leather-vest without a shirt.
His identity starts to fall apart, as Ice learns he’s a cop, but soon dies in a bike-chase, and then a cop Chains’ has on the inside calls and delivers the message that Stone is Joe Huff, thankfully Chains’ old lady answered..well, no, not thankfully, cause if Chains answered then this movie would be close to being over and I’d be doing the Dance of Joy. She confronts Stone, and the conversation literally goes

Chick: So, the name came up in connection with Joe Huff.
Stone: I got lots of names.
Chick: You a cop?
Stone: * literally standing in the middle of the Brotherhood * Yeah, I’m a cop.

And that’s it. Dude has no patience for interrogation. Time comes for the meeting, and Stone pretends to kill the dealer in front of everyone. He then gets the truck and heads to another spot for the other part of the deal, I suppose. Nancy, Chains’ old lady rides with him, and while they’re driving, one of the FBI agents radios over the CB, and the Nancy chick freaks out and screams “You’re a cop?! You’re a fucking cop!?”….OK, ya’ll went over this like a few hours ago. Seriously? Also, if I’m Stone, I’m having a convo with my fucking FBI partner.

Caliber Stone: Hey, partner…
Nerdy FBI Partner: What’s up, Caliber Stone?
Caliber Stone: Uh, hey, when I’m undercover, could you do me a major solid?
Nerdy FBI Partner: What’s that?
Caliber Stone: When I’m on a mission, ya know, being undercover, could you, oh, I dunno, NOT go marching up and down the street with a bull-horn screaming “CALIBER STONE IS AN FBI AGENT” whilst wearing a sandwich board that says “IN CASE YOU’RE DEF, CALIBER STONE IS AN FBI AGENT”?

Welp, Chains pulls a switch on the meeting place for the meth, so Stone can’t use his FBI buddies. First he tracks down the truck of meth that’s been taken by the mob and naturally causes it to crash into a gas station and explode. Seriously, anything in this movie that touches anything, it blows up. They have to social distance in this world or people blow up.
Well, the Brotherhood has figured out who Stone is, thanks to that drug dealer from earlier resurfacing. However, Chains kills him anyway, cause why not, and also kills Nancy [and I’m pretty sure you see Stone give Chains a non-verbal “Bruh, thanks, that break-up was gonna be rough”]. He then decides that Stone is going to serve as a distraction while the Brotherhood enacts D-Day, and attempts to kill the new DA who’s out to crush their Brotherhood. They’re gonna put Stone in a helicopter with some henchmen and a bomb that’s set to go off when they shove Stone out of the helicopter. Well, in a shocking turn of events, Stone escapes and throws one of the henchmen out with the bomb, and HE blows up. Not Stone. Whew, I figured he was a goner.
Well, then, in an honest shocking turn, the Brotherhood is actually successful in killing the DA. Chains goes inside the trial, undercover as a priest, and as he’s sitting in the courtroom, he grabs a machine gun that was tapped under the chair in front of him, and just lets it chill on his lap for quite a while. Meanwhile, no one says anything! There’s a priest just cold-gangster chilling with a machine gun on his lap, and everyone around him is thinking Catholics are as hardcore as always. Anyway, he pops up and unloads, killing a shit ton of people, including the DA.
Stone then arrives the only way he could in this film, jumping about 100ft from a helicopter through a glass ceiling, landing a-ok, and immediately kicking some ass. He proceeds to mob through this courthouse blasting away at the world’s dumbest bikers, who think racing towards someone on a bike has a better chance than the other person’s freaking gun. It’s like Mac thinking he can dodge bullets because he jumps diagonally. Speaking of which, Mac’s dad plays the helicopter pilot, and it’s awesome. So, we finally get down to Chains & Stone, and it’s extremely dull, as Stone hits him twice. That’s literally it. Twice. He of course doesn’t kill him, cause good guy, but then naturally, while in custody, Chains grabs a cop’s gun and attempts to shoot Stone, before Stone’s FBI agent pops up out of the blue and smokes him. The End.

MAN MOVIE TALLY:
1-Liners: 1
Guys Beat Up: 7
Guys Killed: 34
Swear Words: 36
Boobies: 12
Explosions: 9
Chase:1
Broken Bones: 1
Fight/Shoot-Out At Motel?: No
Guy Get Girl? no
Guy/Girl Smoke?: No

MAN FACTS:
Lance wrote the lines for his character

Bosworth was big into motorbikes, and actually built the bike he rides in the movie.

Bruce Balmuth was the original director, and had to leave due to personal reasons. As a result with the new director and such, the entire backstory of Huff and his family were wiped out. Makes a lot of sense, because it feels like there’s big chunks missing from this movie.

C’MON BENNETT, LET’S PARTY!:
In terms of an actual movie you’d watch because it’s great, Stone Cold is not one of them. Bosworth is a decent action star, has some charisma, but he needs to stick to just kicking ass. That’s it. Forsythe and Lance are great as always, but that’s about it with the actors. The story is all over the place, so many things seem forgotten from one scene to the next, things are super cliché, the dialogue leaves a lot to be desired, and the action is pretty lacking too, most of the time. It’s a fun movie if you wanna watch something to talk shit about, but as a serious contender for a bad-ass action movie, yeah, this ain’t it. I should also say, I didn’t grow up with this one, so it’s not being afforded that sweet, rose-tint you apply to things that are nostalgic.
**1/2 Head-Butts out of 5

Any questions, comments, drunk-ramblings, feel free to send them my way, I always dig hearing from you, the beautiful people.
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