Stew’s Buffy The Vampire Slayer Retrospective: Season 6, Episodes 5-6

Episode 5

Image Credit: 20th Century Fox TV

Episode 5 kicks off with Buffy bringing home fried chicken. This is mundane and uninspired, and I ALMOST considered not even noting it until Willow delivered the line “I’m a breast girl”, then turned to Tara and said “But then again, you knew that”, and I laughed and laughed. And that’s not actually sarcasm; I actually did have a solid L.O.L. at that line just because I know some writer was surprised they got away with it. But this IS the season where Willow and Tara have been allowed to kiss more often, so why the hell not? Why the hell not, indeed. Take big lesbian swings, BTVS!

Buffy is home from seeing Angel, a reunion which she describes as “intense”. But she keeps the rest of it to herself. Damn it; this show really wants me to watch Angel, too! Giles asks what her plans for life going forward are. Buffy wants to go back to college, but has missed the cutoff to register for classes; Willow and Tara offer to let her just come to school with them to audit the classes. Buffy thinks that is a capital idea, though I don’t see how that’s a solid short-term goal for taking care of Dawn and herself. Going to classes and NOT getting credit, by the way? Who does that?

We cut to Andrew, Jonathan, and Warren, and they are making villainous plans to assault the Slayer, and REALLY? Are we REALLY doing this? These putzes are becoming recurring villains? And they are really sold on trying to make poor Jonathan a bad guy now? I am not sure why, but I find that to be one of the most tasteless things the show has done.

Oh, I lied. I know why. It’s because he’s previously been shown as an unappreciated kid who tried to kill himself, but was saved by Buffy. And then he presented her with the Class Protector award. And then, when he did dabble in magic, he only did so so he could become a hero like Buffy, his idol.

This is some real character assassination on this poor guy, and it’s offensively bad to me.

ANYWAY, I’ll just try to get over it.

(Editor’s note: he won’t)

At college, Buffy is bumped into by a disguised Warren who tags her with some kind of device. Outside, in their battle van, a satellite dish extends out of the roof and begins circling. This after the earlier scene where Warren gave Andrew shit for painting the Death Star on the side of the van because it made them more conspicuous. Satellite dishes are the height of inconspicuousness, though.

Buffy is hanging out with Tara before an Art Appreciation class–kind of a general subject, that one–and she starts losing chunks of time. She misses part of Tara’s conversation, then misses Tara walking down a hallway, then misses the entirety of Tara’s class.

This continues happening for the rest of the scene until Buffy realizes something is on her sweater. She takes it off, but Warren activates its self-destruct. In the van, Team Losers–as I am calling them–score Warren’s effort. Andrew vows to beat his score.

Buffy is next spending time on a construction site with Xander. She is initially harassed by the men for being a girl, but obviously she shows them all up by lifting heavy equipment easily. After a while of working, she is even scolded by another worker for working too hard and too fast since they get paid by the hour.

Outside, Team Losers are back to spying on Buffy with comically large binoculars. Like, they are at least a foot long. Andrew plays a note on a pan flute, and three green beasties attack Buffy. She KO’s Tony the foreman trying to save him, then she saves a few other workers and kills all the demons, who melt away.

The other workers are not about to admit a girl saved them from demons, so they blame Buffy freaking out for the damage done to the job site. Xander sends her away and tells her to work with Giles to figure out what is going on today.

At the magic shop, we see Team Losers has the store bugged and are spying on Buffy. In their van, Jonathan starts a spell that smokes them all out of the van. Buffy heads into the basement to find a mummy hand for a customer, but the hand comes alive and starts choking her. She stabs it with a dagger and offers both to the customer, but the latter no longer wants it.

Then… it starts over. Buffy has the same conversation with Giles that she had before the customer came in, and then Buffy sees her re-enter the store. Buffy tries to dissuade the customer, but she REALLY wants the hand. Jonathan in the van states she will be stuck in the loop until she satisfies the customer’s request.

After many failed attempts in a montage of errors, Buffy finally agrees to special order a mummy hand for the customer and ship it to her, thus satisfying the demand of the spell. Supernatural–which I keep referencing this season–really did borrow an awful lot from Buffy, because this reminds me of the montage from the Mystery Spot episode to a degree. Man, I wish I was watching Supernatural instead of this. That’d be better.

Wait, what season is this?

Six?

So I’d be in season six of Supernatural?

*Remembers season six of Supernatural*

Okay, maybe I wouldn’t be having THAT much better of a time.

Team Losers can’t figure out who scored the highest of the three of their efforts, so Warren decides their trials of Buffy aren’t over yet.

After quitting her job at the magic shop, we see her move on to drinking with Spike. They leave the crypt and head out to a bar, where Spike takes her into the backroom to a card game. Buffy keeps drinking because she learned nothing from the Beer Bad episode, I suppose. Spike cleans out the other demons, but doesn’t get any info. A flustered (and drunk) Buffy storms out.

Out in the van, Team Losers refers to something as “retarded”. Classy stuff, BTVS!

Buffy sees the van and realizes she has seen the van before. As she approaches, Team Losers pause arguing about James Bond long enough to see she is coming. A winged demon emerges from behind the van and says he has been testing her. Drunk Buffy kicks him in the nuts, and he runs away. What is even happening right now? This episode is the dirt fucking worst, you guys. I have no idea what I’m even watching.

I take back what I said about season six of Supernatural. At least it had Weekend At Bobby’s.

The van, having driven off, picks up the winged demon, who is just Jonathan in a magic guise. The three of them realize that they have gathered enough data on Buffy to actually start being a real threat to her. Then they get distracted because their van picks up free porn.

This episode, man.

Back at home, Giles gives a post-puking Buffy a glass of water. He also gives her a sizable check, but we never find out where he got the money from considering he doesn’t, like, DO anything. Buffy is very appreciative! She tells him it makes her feel safe knowing Giles will always be around. As she leaves the room, Giles looks conflicted. Then… credits!

Episode 6

Image Credit: 20th Century Fox TV

Oh, it’s a Halloween episode, as we open at the Magic Shop and everyone is in costume. We get a second consecutive opening scene dirty innuendo, as Anya notes that a pirate-themed Xander is going to show her how to shiver his timbers; she asks Tara if the latter has ever played that game, and Tara responds, “I’m not really one for the timber”. Oh man, this show is colloquially naughty all of the sudden, yo.

Dawn steals an amulet she sees lying around, returning to that subplot from last season. Which is either a slowly developing “Dawn is a kleptomaniac and needs help” story, or will pay off all at once here today. We shall see!

Buffy heads into the basement to get some supplies, and she runs into Spike stealing some stuff to make blood taste better. He asks her out on patrol, but she declines. She does go upstairs and ask Giles about it, though, but he makes her bag purchases, instead. Giles reminds us that Halloween is usually when supernatural forces take the day off… unless it’s happening to them.

We cut to a humming old man entering his home. He sees the children out trick or treating, says “I’ll give you something special this year”, then pulls out a butcher knife.

Gotta be honest… I’ve really been waiting for the episode of BTVS where somebody murders children with a kitchen knife. This is just the happy-go-lucky episode we require!

Back at the magic shop, after 5 episodes of a nothing subplot, Xander just goes ahead and announces that he and Anya are engaged. Soooo… okay, I guess. Those moments in episodes 1-4 feel especially [adjective] now, right, gang?

This show wastes my time on Expert Mode, I swear. Like, a solid five-to-ten minutes of every episode’s run time is dedicated to padding out the show so it fits in the time slot afforded to it.

Cut to: Buffy’s home, and the team is celebrating the happy couple. Willow magics up some decorations, causing looks of consternation from both Tara and Giles. Tara approaches Willow about this in the kitchen. They start having an argument about Willow’s use of magic in innocuous moments.

Dawn leaves the festivities early because she has a sleepover at a friend’s house. Buffy is initially reluctant to let her go, but eventually concedes. It turns out the sleepover is actually a party in the park. There is an older boy named Justin who starts off being super polite, so we know where this is going. Justin, Dawn, and their two friends go on a prank spree of egging houses and kicking over mailboxes, and when separated by gender, Justin’s friend asks if Justin thinks he wants to “go all the way” with Dawn. Which I’m sure means sacrificing her to a goat god or something. Not sex. This herring, it’s so crimson.

Wait, what happened to the old man with the butcher knife? Unless he IS Justin! GASP!

But wait, no, Dawn said she had seen Justin around before. So that’s not it. I miss the butcher knife man!

Back at the house, Giles starts getting Xander to think about buying a house and setting up a future with Anya, so we get the first signs of cold feet from ol’ scuzzbucket himself.

Back outside, it looks like Dawn and her pals are going to prank another house. They say it belongs to Old Man Coltenbock because apparently teens in the early 2000’s spoke like that. Dawn volunteers to do the pranking, so she approaches the house and goes to smash his pumpkin. But the butcher knife man grabs her hand. Then he… invites them into his house, saying he has something special for them. And because they are idiots, they actually go in.

Turns out Mr. Coltenbock is a former toymaker, but he says he made “one little mistake”, and they took his toys away. Justin offers to help him in the kitchen. THAT’S WHERE KNIVES LIVE.

In the kitchen, we get our twist: Justin is a vampire, and he kills Mr. Coltenbock. BOOOOOOOOO! Old Man With A Knife And Weird Toys Backstory > more boring vampires any day.

Actually, credit to the show for a really good fake-out and for making me care about Mr. Coltenbock’s backstory and his Halloween plans.

But the, like, uncredits remain because vampires are boring.

Dawn and her friends flee the house, and Justin’s friend asks if they should just feed off the girls or turn them.

Back at home, Anya is proposing that she and Xander get married as soon as possible since mortal life is so short. Xander looks constipated. He steps outside with Buffy and says he didn’t realize announcing his engagement would be so “much”. Buffy tells him this is how life is supposed to be, then says she is going out to patrol.

Back at our A Plot, Justin and Dawn are talking, and she reports that she steals all the time. He gives her his badass letterman jacket to keep her warm. Elsewhere, Justin’s friend (Zack, I learn) kills a guy and steals his car.

We see a sad Buffy walking through SunnyDale. She comes across an ambulance taking a vampire bite victim away.

Giles gets a call from Dawn’s friend’s mom asking how the friend (Janice, I learn) is, thereby cluing Giles in that the girls have conspired to be at neither’s house. In another room, a concerned Tara is watching Willow, Xander, and Anya dance. This goes nowhere other than the whole “Tara is mad at Willow for magicking” thing that is simmering.

Janice and Zack leave Dawn and Justin alone in the stolen car. They start kissing. It’s Dawn’s first kiss, and she talks like every other character on this show. “With the lips and the pressing together and stuff”.

At The Bronze–HEY, REMEMBER THE BRONZE, GUYS?!–Willow and Tara are looking for Dawn and her friends. Willow starts a spell to try to find Dawn, but Tara stops her. They again have an argument about Willow using too much magic these days, and Tara storms off after Willow aggressively says she wishes Tara would keep her mouth shut.

Willow’s becoming a real bi–witch. She used to be the one consistently decent character on this show, and now she is refusing to listen to anyone about anything. I mean, I know this is character development around a burgeoning plot. But it’s so disappointing!

Also, it’s wild to be reminded of The Bronze. It used to be a fixture of the show, and then they just faded it out entirely. Our little characters are growing up and don’t have time to go party anymore, awww.

Back in the makeout mobile, Dawn and Justin continue kissing. Her bites her lip, but she’s okay as long as it isn’t bleeding. Har har because this guy is a vampire, you know?. They continue kissing, and as her hand moves to his face, we see he has vamped out.

Buffy shows up at Spike’s lair to ask him to help her patrol for the vampire menace, and he alerts her to the fact that Dawn is M.I.A. Giles had beaten Buffy to getting to see him, you see. A concerned Buffy arms herself with stakes and heads back out into the night with Spike.

Giles is roaming the cemetery looking for Dawn, but he comes across Zack feeding off of Janice. He fights off Zack for a bit before impaling him through the heart on a tree branch. One threat down, go Giles!

Back at the car, Dawn screams and rushes away from Justin, with his calling after her like he really cares and isn’t just trying to feed off of her… all while vamped up. He says he thought the two of them could hang out together. Dawn looks about to let him turn her because she is a worthless character, but Giles shows up. He threatens Justin, and just then, like, a dozen other vampires roll up in apparently entirely silent cars! Man, SunnyDale got EVs EARLY! Justin grabs Dawn by the throat as a meat shield.

Buffy and Spike show up to help save the day, and we get our two minutes of straight comedy for the episode. Buffy accuses Dawn of “parking” with a vampire, and Dawn said she didn’t know he was dead, causing him to retort “Undead!”. I… want to relay more of the lines here where, instead of fighting, Dawn, Justin, and Buffy all bicker, but it’s not really worth it. Eventually one vamp says “Aren’t we just here to fight?”.

Humorously, though, Buffy scans the crowd of vamps and finds one human couple who were genuinely just there to make out. WHY DID THEY GET OUT OF THEIR CAR LIKE THEY WERE IN ON THIS BIG PLAN?! She tells them to run, then the fight scene for the episode is on!

Giles proves surprisingly effective during the fight, staking two vampires! Giles is having a kick-ass episode, friends! During the brawl, Dawn has wandered off alone into the woods like a schmuck. Justin tackles her and they briefly decide they genuinely like each other, then she stakes him with a pencil.

I’m positive this is not the first time that happened, but can you imagine trying to ram a pencil through to someone’s friggin’ heart. Paying no attention to doing so while you are a fifteen year old girl with no super strength and are lying flat on your back and doing it in a subtle motion. Don’t vampires have rib bones and shit?

Back at home base, Giles says they have to address Dawn’s behavior before it spirals out of control, and Buffy leaves it to him to deal with. Damn, girl, clean up your own messes. I know she looks to Giles as a surrogate father figure, but he’s not actually the girls’ damn dad.

They are going somewhere with this, right? Buffy taking Giles for granted, and his wanting to see her take more of a parental role on her own? After these last two episodes, I should hope so.

Tara and Willow bicker some more before bed, then Willow fucking mind-wipes the day’s events from Tara’s brain. Holy shit! What has gotten into you, Willow?!