wrestling / TV Reports
Cook’s WWE WrestleMania 38 Night One Review
Image Credit: WWE
Loading...Hey kids! Steve Cook here, as it’s WWE’s WrestleMania and one of the provisions of my 411mania.com Legends Contract is that I have to watch every WrestleMania show and review it for you good people. Even the years where there’s two nights. I’m pretty sure I can re-negotiate when it becomes three nights, but I’ll have to talk to my lawyer Trent the Penguin about that. You can see how I get myself in these situations with a penguin as my lawyer. Ah, it’s all good. It’s WrestleMania, the Mello Yello is flowing, and I can’t be mad.
I will say that as someone that isn’t able to keep up with all of WWE’s televised efforts these days, I did appreciate the two hour Kickoff Show much more than usual. I used to get bored with endless recap videos, now I need them.
Cook’s WrestleMania 38 Night One Review
We open with America the Beautiful sung by Bradley Gilbert, a video, then the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders as we are live from AT&T Stadium in Dallas, TX. It doesn’t get much more Texas than this. I suddenly have an urge to eat a Whataburger & bang on trashcans to tell my teammates what pitch is being signaled by the catcher.
Michael Cole & Pat McAfee are your SmackDown match announcers.
Smackdown Tag Team Championship Match: Jimmy & Jey Uso (c) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura & Rick Boogs: Nakamura & Boogs are very stylishly attired, and sponsored by Mike’s Harder Half-Lemonade Half-Tea. I eagerly await the day when each WWE Superstar has a sponsor. Worked pretty well for NASCAR drivers. Also, I’d like to say that I’m open to sponsorship and you can reach me via Twitter @stevecook84 if you’re an interesting & fun company that would like to get in the wrestling show reviewer business. Definitely a business that will increase your potential market reach, trust me. Nakamura attacks with a kick right away, not wasting any time, but the Usos quickly get the advantage. Jey with shirt around waist, Jimmy with shirt on chest. Jimmy gets two with a spinning kick to Nakamura. Rear chinlock! Nak with a spinning kick of his own, as we await if he can get the tag to Boogs. He can, and Boogs has some axehandles for the Usos. Jey jumps into the bearhug, then Boogs with the delayed vertical for two. He took a knee during the suplex, which Texans usually don’t appreciate. That knee gives out while Boogs tries to hold both Usos on his shoulders. Nakamura tags and dives onto the Usos on the outside. Nakamura with vintage German suplex off the ropes. He tells Jey to come on. Then he runs into a superkick and Jimmy tags. Uso splash gets a two count. The fun doesn’t end for Nakamura, as the Usos briefly doubleteam him. The ol’ hairpull-assisted superkick is followed by the 1D for the 1-2-3.
Winners: The Usos
Match Rating: **
Boogs is being checked on by folks and not looking great, so I’m gonna say this was expected to be a bit more than it was. Not one of the best WrestleMania openers of all time, but these things happen. Nothing that anybody could do there. Also possible that the injury was a work and things were kept short for other reasons. I’m open to any & all interpretations.
Drew McIntyre vs. Happy Corbin (w/Madcap Moss): Ol’ Madcap won the Andre Battle Royal last night. Gotta say the guy’s comedic skills are growing on me. Reminds me of a young Jerry Seinfeld. Did you know that Jerry used to perform with the suspenders with shorts & no shirt look in his early days? True story. Meanwhile Drew has acquired the power to light 3/4ths of the turnbuckles on fire by raising his sword. He’s like a 3/4ths Kane. These guys know it’s a grudge match because they get right to the punching. Drew gets the advantage there. He clotheslines Happy over the top rope and beats him around ringside as I wonder where Happy buys his shirts. Very stylish. Drew gets rammed into the ringpost & Happy targets the knee for a second before Irish whipping Drew hard into the corner for one. Vertical suplex followed by the back suplex. Happy Corbin truly is the Human Suplex Machine. Some running punches from the former Golden Glove champion. Brief miscommunication between the Happy folks leads to some spine on the pine by Drew. Now Drew’s got come clotheslines. Happy tries the around the ringpost dealy but is met with an overhead suplex, a neckbreaker and a kipup. Corbin’s got the Deep Six though, and that’s always good for a two count. Chokebreaker is blocked, and Drew’s going up top for a flying clothesline. Good Lord, he is 3/4ths Kane. Happy rolls out of the ring before he can get Claymored. Drew does the ol’ flip dive onto the Happy Folks! OK, that’s nowhere on the Kane scale. Madcap gets suplexed on the floor, and Drew gives a Hacksawesque thumbs up before a series of reversals in the ring. He misses the Claymore, and Happy hits the End of Days for a two count. I’m told nobody has kicked out of it, and since I don’t remember most of Happy’s matches, I’ll take Michael Cole’s word for it. Drew Mac takes advantage of Happy’s dismay by hitting the Future Shock DDT and the Claymore for the three count.
Winner: Drew McIntyre (8 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: **1/2
Drew cuts the ropes in half when Madcap manages to avoid being sliced in half. The ring crew’s gonna be pissed! Oh hello, Drew sure knows which fans to celebrate in front of. Mmmhmmm yes sir. As for this match, it was a match, it was there, it was perfectly inoffensive. Unless you’re mad that somebody kicked out of Corbin’s finisher, but I think Michael Cole and my buddy Ray are the only people that knew nobody had kicked out of it. I can’t get my blood pressure up over such things.
Jimmy Smith, Byron Saxton & Corey Graves are our announcers for Raw matches.
Rey & Dominik Mysterio vs. The Miz & Logan Paul: One of the nice things about WWE being so ginormous. Typically, when wrestlers slice ring ropes in half on indy shows, it causes at least a fifteen minute delay. We’re right back to the action here and the announcers are talking about a Pokemon card around Paul’s neck. I’m the wrong reviewer to care about that, but the Los Gringos Locos gear Dom is wearing isn’t bad. 8:56 Rey & Miz start us off, a distraction from Paul gives Miz the advantage. Paul tags in and lands some shots to the ribs, and I hope those punches are working punches! Paul with some leapfrogs, and Rey hits a kick to the head while Paul is doing the splits. Miz tags in to get some father/son action. They hit a Lucha Brothers move for a one count. Dom hits a springboard moonsault on Miz, then takes out both bad guys to the floor. Twisting plancha to the Miz, and Dom’s working way too fast here. Gotta slow it down, kid! Paul gets a cheapshot while the referee’s back is turned, and Miz goes on the offensive. Logan with the Davey Boy style powerslam for the two count. Miz & Paul do some It Kicks for a two. Dom tries to fight back, but Logan has to do the moves he learned and hits a Blockbuster for two. Miz tags in and does his best moves, distracting the referee and taunting the crowd. It’s built a good career for him, I can’t hate it. Dominik hits the tornado DDT on Miz and now seems like time for a tag, and here comes Rey. Rana for Miz, sitdown splash, roll through a sunset flip and a kick for two. Rey hits the moonsault and Logan breaks up the pin. Domink breaks up the double vertical suplex attempt, and Miz almost gets pinned on a cradle. Tornado DDT gets two. Here’s two out of three amigoes, Miz blocks the third. Paul tags in, punches Dominik off the apron and boots Rey. Now he does the three amigoes, and the crowd just isn’t having that. He goes up top…a shimmy and a frog splash! Dominik barely broke up that three count. He topes Miz, chases Paul back into the ring so he can eat a double 619. There’s a Dom frog splash and a Rey frog splash, but wouldn’t you know it, Miz is apparently the legal man! He hits a skull crushing finale for the 1-2-3.
Winners: The Miz & Logan Paul (11 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: **3/4
Miz & Logan Paul celebrate, then Miz hits Logan with the skull crushing finale! I guess we’re supposed to cheer Logan Paul now, which may be easier for his YouTubing & Tiktoking generation than old coots like me. I mean, he was fine in the ring and all, but I can’t bring myself to declare the kid the next Lou Thesz like social media is trying to at the minute. It’s all right, the kids will move onto the next celebrity wrestling legend soon enough. I just smile, enter a number of stars and move onto the next match.
Stephanie McMahon comes out to introduce Gable Steveson for a brief pop. I guess this means he won’t be Seth Rollins’ opponent later tonight…OR WILL HE? OK, probably not.
Raw Women’s Championship Match: Becky Lynch (c) vs. Bianca Belair: Becky gets a special video and an entrance via automobile. Somewhat dangerous considering how many cars are getting destroyed on wrestling television these days. Also, if one has hair, I would recommend going to Bianca for a haircut. She did a heck of a job with Becky! Bianca gets a marching band entrance, which will make 411 legend Ron Gamble very happy. Quite the band geek back in the day, as I recall. They do a nice number then play along with Bianca’s music, giving it some extra oomph. Fans are pumped for this one! Bianca actually wants a handshake, but Becky’s not bout that noise. Series of reversals leads to a manhandle slam for the two count. That worked back at SummerSlam, but not tonight. Becky goes for more near-falls and really wants to end this thing early, but Bianca’s not staying down. The referee actually sees Becky’s feet on the ropes, which is somewhat shocking. Becky reverses a stalling vertical into a vertical of her own for two. Becky goes up for the moonsault, which is the first time I’ve seen that from her, and sure looks like the first time she’s done it as she misses. Bianca goes for a disarmher, but Becky’s not tapping to her own move. Some rapidfire moves and pin attempts here. Now Becky goes to Bianca’s hair, and she sends Bianca into the ring steps. Back in the ring, Lynch hits a couple of exploders. Three, in fact, but they don’t get the three count. Bianca sent neck first into the middle rope. Becky misses in the corner, but gets Bianca on the top rope for a legdrop to the back that gets two. Rear chinlock by Lynch. Belair gets out, but Lynch remains on the offensive. She goes to an armbar, then a triangle. Belair lifts Lynch out of that position and tries to dump her over the top rope, the momentum takes them both out to the floor. Bianca springboards off the ropes and hits a vertical suplex on the floor. Belair fires away with punches and shoulderblocks in the corner, Lynch gets blocked on a couple moves, a gutbuster by Belair gets two. Bianca with some gymnastics, Becky rolls her into a nearfall. Then it’s Bianca with the Bitchplant (Jazz used to call that move that, don’t yell at me about it), and a handspring moonsault gets two. Bianca going up top, but Becky follows her up. It’s Bianca that gets the advantage though, and hits Becky with the Chicago Skyline! Shades of Scotty Goldman! Belair with the 450, shades of Flash Funk, and that gets two! Bianca’s posing during the cover might have cost her there, just saying. Lynch with the jawjacker on the top rope, then some kicks to sent Belair down. Becky up top, flipping dropkick gets two! Damn, she caught her with that one. They get each other with running forearms, then Becky gets her spine busted. Handspring moonsault is blocked, then it’s a series of near-falls & reversals. Lynch tries to get her with a kick, but Bianca gets her in the tourture rack position. Lynch blocks the KOD, but gets sent over the top rope. Becky rolls through the ring to keep from getting pinned. She yanks Bianca head first into the post via hair. Manhandle slam on the stairs! Becky rolls into the ring to allow the ref to count Bianca out. Bianca gets in at nine, and now Becky’s going ham on her. Lynch tries to lift Belair up for another manhandle slam. but Belair flips out! Bianca gets Becky up, KOD! Three count!
Winner: Bianca Belair (19 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: ****1/4
Those two put on a darn show there, as you’d expect from athletes of their caliber. Becky & Bianca played their roles perfectly. Some quality action & storytelling. Right result, sent the crowd home happy, we all live happily ever after.
Wait, there’s more? Well slap my ass and call me Charlie.
Seth Freakin Rollins vs. Opponent of Mr. McMahon’s Choosing: Seth gets an acapella choir for his entrance. Where does one sign up to participate in WrestleMania entrances? I surely couldn’t wrestle, referee, announce or do anything else on WrestleMania, but I think I could handle being a background performer in an entrance. And now we wait for the mystery rassler…
It’s fireworks! It’s darkness! It’s a familiar song from another wrestling promotion! It’s Cody’s neck tattoo on the screen! It’s Cody Rhodes! I think social media just exploded like this crowd did. Graves is trying to tell this story about Cody possibly not having what he did in the past. That’s just precious. Headlock by Cody, off the ropes, arm drag and a Stardust cartwheel. Now it’s Rollins with the headlock. Off the ropes, a shoulderblock by Rollins. Cody hits the Goldust uppercut. The wrestlers exchange punches, then they try their respective finishers and exchange suplex attempts. They end up doing the vertical suplex over the top rope bit. Cody gets the advantage and targets Seth’s left arm. The short-arm scissor is Cody’s move of choice here. Rollins rolls out of it, but Rhodes keeps going at the arm. Then he does the ol’ Hardcore Holly kick to the crotch that you’d think would draw a DQ but never does. Rollins responds with a kick to the ear, but Rhodes arm twists Rollins to the mat. Cody up top, he dives into a dropkick from Seth. Rollins busts Rhodes’ gut for a nearfall, then welcomes him back to the big leagues. Good Lord, Twitter is going to be a cess pool of nonsense tonight, moreso than usual. Bearhug! Rhodes fights back though, evades Rollins in the corner and hits the snap powerslam. Rollins is clotheslined over the top rope. Rhodes hits a tope suicida, knocking Rollins over the announce table. Back in the ring, Cody goes up for a moonsault, and it’s ugly but effective enough for a two count. More of a twisting crossbody upon further review. Rhodes goes for the Beautiful Disaster off the steps, but Rollins catches him and powerbombs him into the barricade! Seth gives Cody a piece of his mind, a superkick, then hits the Falcon Arrow! He did the deal and it only gets two. Rollins sets up the stomp, Rhodes moves a couple of times, Rollins slips out of the Crossrhodes the first time, but not the second time! The Crossrhodes only gets two these days, which regular Dynamite viewers know. Two or three might close things. Cody goes back up top, Seth knocks him down onto the turnbuckle. Cody fights back, but Seth jumps up behind him…reverse superplex into the Peroxysm gets a two count! After some time to recover, it’s Rollins going up top for a Phoenix Splash…Rhodes evades, but we’re in a finisher tease spree now. Fans really wanted that Tiger Driver from Cody, it’s a double underhook powerbomb instead. Cody Cutter gets a two count! After some time to pause and reflect on the road our lives took us to here and this moment, it’s a Pedigree from Rollins for the two count. Cody wins the strike exchange, but Seth kicks him in the ribs, repeatedly kicks him in the face. Rolling elbow and a death blow by Rollins. Rhodes responds to all of this with two Crossrhodes! Then Cody does some flipping flopping and flying before a bionic elbow! One more Crossrhodes and that’s it.
Winner: Cody Rhodes (22 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: ****1/2
Here’s the thing. A lot of people get too wrapped up in the whole company vs. company warfare nonsense. We must do this because it’s 2022 and everybody needs to take a side. Some people loved Cody Rhodes the last few years, turned against him in the past year and hate him now. Others hated Cody Rhodes the last few years and love him now. It’s all about the company they love, that’s what decides their stance on this thing.
Me? The way I see it, the ability for wrestlers to move from company to company is a good thing. Cody’s career up to this point is a pretty darn good example of this. By the time of his first WWE stint, he’d hit a brick wall. He wasn’t going to get any higher there. So he went out on his own and went to new places. Worked out really well for him. He developed a new persona that got over in multiple settings. Then things started to go a bit downhill. Cody had some rough segments on AEW programming, his popularity was going down the tubes. So he moves back to WWE. Now he’s a fresh character in a fresh setting instead of what he’d become in AEW. This is a Good Thing if you’re a fan of fresh characters in fresh settings.
So yeah, bring on WWE American Nightmare Cody Rhodes. Let’s hope things work out for the best. This match certainly worked out for the best. Big reaction, big moves, Cody looked like a star out there. Exactly what WWE & Cody wanted to get out of the deal.
The WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2022 is introduced and Undertaker makes his entrance. Had to be a quick rush to get the other people outta there before the flames started. I know for many of you this was a highlight of the show. For me it was a chance to catch up on the Duke/UNC game. We’re in different phases of our lives.
Michael Cole informs us that Rick Boogs will need surgery on his quadricep patellar tendon. Get well Boogs!
Smackdown Women’s Championship Match: Charlotte Flair (c) vs. Ronda Rousey: No super special entrances here, but Lil’ Naitch is officiating so that’s special. Quick strikes between the two to start, they’re not wasting any time with the match portion of this. Ronda tries for the ankle lock but Charlotte rolls out. Ronda with a takedown, she fights off a figure four attempt. Flair flip in the corner, but Rousey catches her on the apron. Charlotte with a boot, Ronda with a knee. Triangle choke in the ropes. Both women on the apron, backbreaker and an elbow drops Ronda onto the apron. Ronda with the anklelock, but Charlotte powers her onto the floor. Charlotte sends Ronda into the ringpost and back into the ring. Cover gets barely anything at all. Charlotte with a snapmare and clothesline for a two count. Dragon sleepter by Flair. Rousey powers out, knees Flair in the face and gets two. Charlotte with a Lethal Combination in the corner. Charlotte misses a move and Ronda hits a kinda tornado DDT for two. Rousey with some judo throws, but Charlotte hits a quick spear for the two count. Ronda back to the takedowns, Charlotte with a back suplex. Kipup by Charlotte, she walks over Ronda before going for the moonsault. It goes about as well as it usually does. Charlotte with some chops. Rousey with a twisting suplex for two, then she ends up in the Tree of Woe. Charlotte goes up top, Ronda meets her up there. Judo takedown off the top rope for two. Ronda hits the Piper’s Pit, then goes for the armbar, but Charlotte rolls away. Strikes send each competitor down. Rousey rolls out of the Figure 4 attempt and hits a powerslam for two. Ankle lock time! But Charlotte rolls out and locks in an ankle lock of her own. Charlotte gets sent face-first into the bottom turnbuckle. Another nearfall for Charlotte though after a powerbomb countering Ronda climbing on her. Rousey locks in the ankle lock as Coach K’s career comes to an end at the hands of the Tar Heels. Will another North Carolina-based multiple time champion lose tonight? Not yet, she gets out of that. We get a couple of black screens suddenly while they’re reversing submission holds, I can guess why. Rousey gets out of the Figure 8, dragging herself to the floor. She then yanks Charlotte to the floor, but Charlotte explodes Rousey into the barricade. They each beat the ten count. Another Piper’s Pit, there’s actually a three count but Charlotte’s foot was on the ropes. Whoops. An honest mistake by Lil’ Naitch I’m sure. Charlotte hits Natural Selection for two. See, it was honest because Charles Robinson could have just counted three there if he was in cahoots with Ric’s daughter. Ronda pushes Charlotte off a Figure 4 attempt and sends her into Robinson. Of course Charlotte taps out while Charles is down. Rousey tries to revive Robinson, but Charlotte hits a running boot for the three count!
Winner: Charlotte Flair (18 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: **1/2
I’ll be honest, my attention was somewhat diverted during the middle of the match with the basketball goings-on. (I’ll get some heat for that, but I must be honest.) So the rating may be higher or lower in your personal record book. To me, this was decent but didn’t quite reach that next level a couple of our previous matches did. The booking didn’t do too many favors either, and I can’t see people being too interested in the rematch. Which will be happening.
The KO Show: You’d think Kevin Owens could have invested in a better set for the occasion. We just don’t see talk show sets like we did in the glory days. The Flower Shop? The Barber Shop? Heck, the Heartbreak Hotel was pretty swanky. Owens apologizes to the Texans for telling the absolute God’s honest truth about their pathetic state. It’s worse than he remembered. Steve Austin was the worst role model in the history of WWE. Top 7 Worst Wrestling Role Models? No way I could narrow that list down. Owens starts talking about what he’s going to do, but the glass breaks and Stone Cold Steve Austin hits the stage. He’s got his knee braces, wrist tape, t-shirt & jean shorts on, so you can tell he means business. He poses for both sides of the crowd, then he walks to the back. He’s riding back down on his 4X4. I mean, it’s a long trip down to the ring, I don’t blame the man. I’ve been advocating for the return of the ring carts for years now. Some Federretes would be nice too. Austin destroys the KO Show signs during his turnbuckle posing, proving my point that Owens needed a better set. Owens cuts off his entrance, saying it’s his show and ordering Austin to take a seat. They eventually sit down in the chairs.
Austin talks about how Owens looks like a jackass and calls him a stupid son of a bitch for running down Texas. Owens points out that it’s hot in the summer, the land is flat & uninspiring, and the people wear dumb hats, boots & belt buckles. They can take the hats & boots off and move somewhere else. Owens says if he grew up here he would have moved to Mexico. It’s right across the border! Austin gets the people to call KO an asshole. Owens says that Austin could be more like him, a sophisticated & distinguished French-Canadian. He’s going to let Austin in on a little secret. He lied about the whole talking thing. Even though Owens has a bad back, he’s looking for a fight. A match, actually. It’s been 19 years, and his body parts are shot even more than they were back then. That’s fine though, Owens is going to challenge him to a no holds barred match right here & now! Austin can’t talk right now, because he’s thinking that he can’t beat Owens. Owens tells him to get his beer & golf cart and go back to his stupid ranch. Austin talks about how he had his first match in Dallas, Texas & could have his last match in Dallas, Texas. He asks the fans for a Hell, Yeah in approval & gets one. A referee runs down, chairs are removed from the ring and we seem to be having a match.
No Holds Barred Match: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Kevin Owens: Austin & Owens talk some trash to each other. They exchange punches. Kevin Dunn is in his element calling for 85 camera changes at once. Austin stomps a mudhole in Owens and walks it dry. Owens does a flip after being whipped into the corner. Austin gets a beer, takes a drink and does some more stomping. Austin tosses Owens over the top rope and gets another beer. Owens whips Austin into the barricade, Austin comes back with a clothesline. Drops Owens neck first on the barricade and rakes the eyes. More punches from Austin before Owens sends Austin into the ringpost. Owens delivers some punches of his own as I wonder if Austin is actually going to blade for this thing. Owens leans a table against the barricade, but he winds up going through it. Austin & Owens do some crowd brawling. Owens suplexes Austin on the floor! Austin fights back, but gets a knee to the ribs. Austin then tosses Owens from the barricade to the announce table and gets a couple more beers. The drunken Rattlesnake hits some punches, gets another beer, spits it in Owens’ face. Yum! Owens turns the tide with a jawbreaker on the ropes. Owens tries to commandeer Austin’s vehicle, but Austin stops that and drives him up the stage. He suplexes Owens on the stage. They go to the other side of the stage, and Austin suplexes him over there too. Now he sends KO rolling down the ramp with punches. More beer! Austin gets distracted by the beer though, and Owens hits the Stunner! Only good for a two count. Owens misses with the chair and it rebounds into his face! Stunner by Austin and that’s good for a three count!
Winner: Stone Cold Steve Austin (14 minutes via pinfall)
Match Rating: ****
I mean, it’s my favorite wrestler as a kid coming back to kick ass, drink beer and do what we remember him for. Not a technical wrestling classic, but still a damn good time that’ll get a lot of snowflakes from me! And there’s another Stunner for Owens after some beer drinking. Looks like the po-po is gonna drag KO outta there. I wish him luck in the hoosegow. Byron Saxton is invited into the ring for a beer, but we know where that’s going. Nice sell, Byron! Austin’s brother comes in to celebrate afterward and avoids the same fate as we bid you adieu.
