411’s AAA/CMLL Report 3.29.05

Its week #6 of Lucha Libre on 411. You know what six weeks means? It means I actually got quite a bit of feedback for the last column, and this week’s is a day late which completely kills any momentum I may have been making on building a fanbase. Blame my GF’s mother, who kept me busy way too much of the past week and weekend to even bother to recount. I’d like to thank everyone who gave me a plug last week though, as the extra promotion did wonders for my feedback. This week we’ve got another CMLL versus AAA head-to-head confrontation, as the Lucha version of the Monday Night Wars continues! Before we get to that though, first some notes from last week….

David Brashear writes in to explain a little of last week’s confusion:

Hey, Newton. I was just reading over your report for AAA/CMLL this week and wanted to let you know what was going on in the Dr. Wagner segment. That was Dr. Wagner Jr. under his father’s mask. His father (the original) Dr. Wagner had just passed away and that was CMLL’s tribute to him.

Also, I believe that Gran Apache is Faby Apache’s father, so if he is banging her it just got even nastier.

The Black Family member was Chessman, who’s the leader. He used to be a big shot in LLL, until that faction vanished.

Thanks for the help David. Actually several people emailed me about Apache being Faby’s father. Though I suppose its still not out of the question for them to be banging. Of course my original comment was that I prayed they weren’t, so perhaps my prayers were answered. As for the Dr.Wagner thing, that’s pretty cool and kinda what I figured but wasn’t really sure. I didn’t name Chessman last week, just mentioned that he was indeed a Black Family member. Thanks to all those who catch these little things and fill me in.

Chris Rice also sent me a email about how he preferred AAA to CMLL. Don’t worry Chris, you aren’t the only crazy person watching Mexican wrestling. I think the fanbase for this sort of thing is growing, and hopefully my column on 411 can help. I’m pretty new to lucha, so anyone can follow along at home and we’ll learn the best and worst of lucha together. With all that aside, lets get to this week’s shows.

CMLL 3-27-05

Alfonso Moren welcomes us to CMLL, and promises an action packed show. CMLL is upset obviously at losing the first round of the Lucha wars last week.

Blue Demon Tournament Finals: Canek versus Universo 2000

We’re JIP with this match. This was a tournament of sorts, with two huge teams battling elimination style much like a few weeks ago. This is in honor of Blue Demon but I can’t tell you if its a memorial tournament IE: Crocket Cup or just some made up match for fun. Anyway this included the likes of Super Porky, Mascara Sagrada, Hector Garza, Pierroth, Vampiro, Cien Caras, Tarzan Boy, and several others. Anyway the final two are Universo 2000 and Canek. Universo is a proud member of the Grandpa Squad, which we’ve covered in previous editions of the Lucha Libre report.

Universo gets chop slapped by Canek. Canek with a small package, that gets two. Universo with a big boot, and tries for a pin but that gets rolled into another pin. Kickout by Universo. Canek turns it into a torture rack on the ground, but Universo gets out of that. Dropkick by Universo. Universo scoop slams Canek, then hits the ropes SENTON! Another! That gets two. He pulls him into a roll up, and that gets a 3 count.

Winner: Universo 2000

Blue Demon Jr. comes out and presents a belt and a plaque to Universo 2000 in remembrance of winning the match. The belt is about retarded looking, but still. Blue Demon Jr has a lucha skank with him, and she has the plaque which has Blue Demon’s mask on it.

Verdict: Too short to mean anything, but we did get clips of what looked like decent action. The problem is these matches have too much talent in them, and they try to squeeze so much into one thing. Still though, the final brawl was nice as both guys were tired but still put fourth some effort. I dunno how Universo 2000 gets to win though, didn’t we already cover that he’s 50 something?

– Call 1010-123 and call Cuba for only 7 cents a minute!

– Virginia Beach is a great place to visit, even if you live in Mexico!

– Commercical for Los Reportoes.

– I have a ton of spyware and bizarre pop-ups on my computer. It comes up as ads1.searchmiracle, and its a billion pop-ups. Anyone know a good program to battle these things that’s free? AVG, Spywareblaster don’t do squat…thanks!

We’re back and Dos Caras Jr. is cutting a very serious promo. His mask looks sorta gay, but still he looks very serious. Then we cut to…Kemonito having a dream. He’s dreaming of himself (Kemonito) climbing the top ropes. Then we cut to Shocker waking Kemonito up, and a training session with the tecnicos. Allllllrighty then!

Its time for our next matchup, and Negro Casas is out first, with a honey in plum. Girls don’t wear plum enough. Shocker and Kemonito are next. Just too give me more nightmares of Kemonito. Weird church music plays, and out comes Mistico. He gets about halfway down the ramp before the Rudos jump him.

Shocker, Negro Casas & Mistico versus Ultimo Guerrero, Tarzan Boy & Rey Bucanero

Our captains are Ultimo Guerrero for the Rudos and Negro Casas for the Tecnicos. The rudos beat the faces to the ring and all three beat on Mistico inside the ring,. They all three pile Mistico to the top rope, and Rey & Tarzan do a double team TOP ROPE PRESS SLAM to Mistico. Tarzan follows it up with a running legdrop. Now Negro Casas bumbles into the ring for his 3 on 1 beatdown. He gets back elbowed and then Wheel barrel slammed. 1…2….3. Now Shocker comes in and gets Gory Specialed into a clothesline. Then they apply a 3 man surfboard and Shocker taps out,

Winners of Fall #1: Ultimo, Tarzan and Rey!

This match is obviously going to be the same tired formula as all CMLL trios matches. Can you feel my excitement? No? Yea cause there isn’t any. Hopefully this match turns into something good quick, cause everyone here is waaaaay too talented to be wasted for a by-the-numbers anti-epic. Second fall starts with Ultimo beating on Mistico in the ring. He eats a flapjack. Shocker pulls Ultimo out of the ring and begins kicking him outside. Negro Casas comes into with a double clothesline for the rudos. Then Mistico gets irish whipped and Shocker backdrops him OVER the top turnbuckle corner, he lands on Ultimo Guerrero’s shoulders outside the ring and turns it into a rana. Words can not do that insanity justice. Lets just say Mistico just did some SERIOUS flying and got major hangtime on that. I swear he must be wearing one of those little capes from Super Mario World to get up like that. In the ring Shocker applies a Fujiawa armbar to Rey Bucanero while Negro applies a Scorpian Deathlock to Tarzan Boy. We get the double submission tying the match 1 to 1. Kemonito kicks Rey Bucanero in the head while he’s in the armbar, and that’s actually kinda funny.

Winners of Fall #2: Shocker, Mistico and Casas!

Rey Bucanero kicks Kemonito as he gets let out of the armbar. Shocker goes ballistic and opens up a can of whoop ass on Rey. Don’t kick Shocker’s monkey! The refs get control, and the 3rd fall starts. Negro Casas and Ultimo Guerrero start off fall 3, and give each other chops. Its a chop-exchange of about 15, and when you translate that to American chops its only worth 3 Ric Flair reverse knife edges. This continues until Ultimo gets the advantage, but Negro comes back with a stiff chest kick that takes Guerrero down. Tarzan sneaks in but he gets a arm twist and kicks to the back of the legs for good measure. Speaking of kicks to the legs, did anyone see last night’s UFC show on Spike TV? Was it just me or did that faggot get his ass handed to him by Josh Kotchek? I’m agreeing with the judge who gave the fight to Josh 30-27. He dominated that whole fight, and if he’d kept kicking the legs probably woulda snapped ya boys leg in half. But since its UFC, of course the judges ruled that the wrong guy won. I’m pretty sure every match that has went to the cards has ended wrong. This is why I don’t watch UFC. Anyway, both men tag out and Shocker is in with Ultimo Guerrero. Ultimo takes Shocker down with a chop/kick combo. Shocker returns fire with a great dropkick. Way too much flipping and flopping to get that done though. Shocker is good, but he’s one of these guys who is too concerned with flipping around then doing actual moves. Mistico and Rey Bucanero in now. Mistico tries to clothesline him down, but Rey is too tough for that. He goes for THIRD clothesline and Rey makes Mistico do a 360 with a clothesline of his own. Mistico gets a dropkick with leads to a 619. Mistico reminds me a lot of Rey Mysterio actually, only he’s about 3 times bigger. Headscissor takes Rey out of the ring, and then a Asai moonsault my Mistico confirms my belief that he’s the most interesting in this match. Negro Casas hits a face full of stuff to Tarzan Boy on the outside. SHOUT OUT TO TIGRESS OF THE FILTHY ANIMALS! Anyway, we get a spinning Romero Special inside, and the submission on the rudos.

Winners: Shocker, Negro Casas & Mistico

We’re off to commercial.

– Historia Del Futbol tells you all about the great history of the world’s least exciting sport!

– Ingles sin Barreras teaches your Mexican ass to speak English, in only 48 days. Go to isbonline.com or call 1-800-443-1111 for more information.

Verdict: Fun little match, that used the same formula CMLL is famous for. Despite that, Mistico bumped around like a pinball that was being played by the WHO’s Tommy. Mistico is always fun to watch. Shocker and Negro Casas did their parts as well, while the Rudos did nothing of note. Decent little affair, none the less.

We get a HOMENAJE AL SANTO video package, showing some of his greatest hits. I don’t know if this is just to hype him, or because he’s retiring or dead, or God knows what. I think this is just a hype video. We come back for recaps of the finale of the Trios match. That’ll do it for this week’s CMLL!

– Platinum Health plus commercial.

– Jesus Saves, even Mexicans!

AAA 3-20-05

Bizarre opening packages for AAA wrestlers open us to what should be 1 hour of AAA action. Will it stand up to CMLL’s effort? Or will AAA lose in the second week of battle? We’ll see!

– Commercial for the ‘Mold Up’ girdle device. It gives you a thick booty and Pam Anderson boobies, while shoving your gut into your pantilones!

– What no Archivos del Mas Alla commercial this week? INSANITY!

We’re back and Antonio Pena is having a heart to heart with Alfa. He wants to be a star and Pena isn’t giving him the shot. “If I give you the ball boy, then if you drop it, and it’ll be on your hands daddy!” Actually I believe that was what Dusty Rhodes told Chris Benoit the night he gave him a US Title shot against David Flair on Nitro.

Mr.Condor, Angel Mortal & Convicto versus Alfa & La Chiva I & II

If you’ve never seen the Chivas before let me explain them to you. The Chivas are a tag team, who are dressed like Soccer players, only they wear masks. Their masks are of goats. Yea you heard right, Goats. They kinda look like a Goat & Doink. Of course if you have a tag team of Soccer playing Goat-Doinks, you also need a matching midget. So there is a Mini-Chiva who is also a Goat-Doink all his own. Convicto, is interesting too cause he wears all Rebel flag gear. He seems very American. I guess I should mention that AAA isn’t fighting in the 6 Sided ring this week, for whatever reason. Angel Mortal and Chiva I start things off. Actually make that Mr. Condor and Chiva I as there is a tag before anyone does any moves. The do some regular grapples and somehow Alfa and Convicto warp into the ring. I guess there was a tag, we got a crowd shot and then BAMPH! The other two were in the ring. Alfa kicks Convicto outside then does a middle rope suicide dive onto him. Retardness with the Mini Goat-Doink. I don’t know whats going on here, but it ISN’T wrestling. Angel Mortal and Chiva II battle and Chiva II takes Angel down. Chivita (The little one) comes in and does a senton onto Angel. Angel rolls outside the ring and Chiva I ranas him. Mr.Condor and Chivita are in the ring, and Condor boots the midget over. Okay, Chivita and one of the Chivas are in the ring fighting Condor……ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING MIDGET! Its not even funny. All three Chivas do some sort of Goat dance. WTF? Finally that seems to be over, and Alfa locks up with Mortal. Pair of dropkicks from Angel Mortal takes Alfa out of the ring. The heels grab ahold of Chiva II and pounds on him. Convicto off the top with a double axehandle to Chiva II. Convicto hip tosses Alfa into the ring. He does a Whirrlybird into a PILEDRIVER! Wicked. Angel Mortal is beating the Chivas up outside. Mr.Condor does a BACKBREAKER to the Mini-Chiva. Good I hope he broke his back like Bane did Batman. Bumbling brawling all around. This match sucks. Convicto and Alfa are trying to have a real fight inside, but Chivita is back inside and rams into the butt of Convicto with his horns like a billy-goat, and of course since its foam rubber horns…He sells it. Convicto gives chase to Chivita, inside Condor locks Chiva I in a poorly applied Gory Special, and he gives up. Chiva II in now and he dropkicks Condor. Angel Mortal in and he catches a pair of dropkicks himself from Chiva II, then Chiva II flies over the top rope and flip dives onto Angel Mortal. Alfa and Condor are legal now, and they battle it out. Convicto kicks Alfa as he battles Condor, and that leads to Mr.Condor getting the pin on Alfa.

Winners: Mr.Condor, Angel Mortal and Convicto

– Los Reportos has a special report on medical prescriptions scams.

– Castrol Syntec High Mileage is good for you car. Ahh, its like watching old Nitro again with the Castrol Syntec oil commercials.

– Call 1010-123 and call Argentina for only 9 cents a minute!

Verdict: Horrid. The Chivas aren’t bad wrestlers, and Condor is also pretty good. The problem is 90% of the match involved silliness with Chivita. Sometimes the midget stuff can be funny. Like Kenmonito’s involvement earlier…..and sometimes its just too much. This match was all about Alfa in premise, but turned out to be all about Chivita in execution. What was good was good, but what was bad, blew chunks. Convicto is cool though.

Chivas! Chivas! Chivas! We’re back from commercial and getting a replay of some of the Chivas better moves in match. One of the Chivas has a mic and is rambling some jibber-jabber. I guess he’s not happy about the way Convicto got him from behind. Frankly I think he’s just a whiner. Convicto is like a lucha version of Tracey Smothers.

Interview with Cibernetico. He looks like Konnan 2000, if any of you remember AWF. If you don’t, then he looks like Scott Putski. Cibernetico looked much better with a mask, and if I recall he had a pretty cool one too.

Steel Cage Match: Abismo Negro versus Cibernetico

Ah, now I know why AAA is using the 4 sided ring tonight. They don’t have the luxury of TNA’s cool 6 Sides of Steel, so if there is a cage match they use a 4 sided ring. Abismo Negro did this cool thing in his entrance where he had a can of hairspray and a lighter, and used it to spray fire. Cibernetico comes out in chaps and a cowboy hat to show us he’s not Latin Lover, but he is gay. The back of his tights say “Main Man” to signify he likes it up the pooper, but only from his main man! Abismo Negro attacks from the start with high knees, and then rams Cibernetico into the steel. Abismo Negro is one of the coolest looking Luchadors in all of Mexico. He’s not quite La Parka cool, but he’s very close. I actually miss him in TNA. Theres a board of thumbtacks in the ring as well, cause AAA is hardcore! Their cage is black, and very cool looking, its like a old NWA cage, not a sissy WWE cage. Abismo stomps Cibernetico in the penial area to continue his assault.

Newton Gimmick Dictionary {Penial Area} Anywhere near, or around the penis. This covers most low blows, and lower abdomen shots. Thank you for learning.

Arm wringer by Abismo, followed up by some right hands. He rams Cibernetico into the steel, then lariats him down. Cibernetico is up and rams Abismo into the steel. Negro fights back with right hands and then twists Cibernetico up for a tombstone. Cibernetico rapidly punches Abismo Negro in the knees, and as a result escapes the tombstone. He still got dropped pretty hard though. Cibernetico continues to kick the knees. He chop blocks Abismo Negro. I suppose this is escape rules on the cage, and if that’s so beating up your opponents knees is a pretty sound strategy. Abismo gets away from Cibernetico and tries to climb out, but Cibernetico catches him by the back of the trunks and begins beating and pounding on his back. He’s clubberin! I’d say its a .4 on the Nasty Boy scale. He actually gets to the top of the cage despite the clubbering, but as he prepares to escape here comes Chessman to spray blinding red mist into the eyes of Abismo Negro. He falls back into the ring. Chessman and Cibernetico high five one another through the cage. Chessman is a member of the Black Family, and part of LLL which Cibernetico is also a part of. I assume that’s why he’s helping out. Cibernetico is all smiles in the ring and begins climbing out of the cage. Abismo sees this, and despite blurry vision finds his can of hair spray and lighter. He goes over and BURNS the back of Cibernetico causing him to fall off the cage. HE’S HARDCORE! HE’S HARDCORE! HE’S HARDCORE! Seriously, Abismo Negro is getting cooler by the minute. Abismo threatens to burn his face, but instead sets up the thumbtack board in the corner and kicks Cibernetico in the head. Abismo Negro pounds on Cibernetico and tries to irish whip him into the thumbtack board, but CIBERNETICO REVERSES! Abismo Negro goes flying into and through the thumbtack board. EXPLODING INTO PAIN! Here comes Chessman and Charly Manson and someone else. They all climb into the ring, and everyone is trying to separate Abismo and Cibernetico. Huh? Abismo threatens to burn anyone who gets near him. HERE COMES JUVI! Juvi, Charly Manson and the others argue and hold back Abismo Negro. Amongst the confusion Chessman and Cibernetico escape the cage! Cibernetico wins! He flips off Abismo Negro as he walks off!

WINNER: CIBERNETIO!

Abismo Negro grabs a mic from the commentators and complains about Juvi as well as Charly Manson. Latin Lover comes out and is brawling with Juvi! Here comes Chessman! Here comes Heavy Metal! Its a big brawl! Abismo still wants a piece of Cibernetico!

Verdict: Fun little match. A bit too short for a cage match. The problem is, the finish absolutely sucked. There are some sort of problems in LLL and that group got into some sort of a argument. Still it was no excuse to end the cage match that way. The brawl afterwards didn’t even help things cause I still couldn’t figure out who was with who. Fun cage affair, crappy finish.

Cibernetico continues to flip off Abismo Negro, while everyone else brawls. The announcers say adios, and we fade out.

So who won this week’s Lucha Libra Monday Night War? Well both shows had 2 matches. Both shows had interviews. Both shows had midgets. Both shows had a trios match. So which show was better? Its a tough choice. I was going to say AAA was better, cause they had a decent trios match and then a cool cage match. But the finish to the cage match was SO BAD that I’m going to change my mind. Score one for Consejo Mundial de Lucha Libre. The winner of week #2 is…CMLL!

AAA – 1 CMLL – 1

Stay tuned in 6 days for week #3 of CMLL versus AAA in the Lucha Wars. It’ll be interesting to see if one promotion can come back and take a lead in the race. Its been pretty even so far, with both feds putting on interesting events. Let me know if you like the column, and if you like the AAA versus CMLL format. That’s all for this week, enjoy WrestleMania! Until then, I’m Newton Gimmick….and I’ll be chilling in the airship. Adios from the land of Grundo!