411’s NWA TNA Report 01.28.04

No, I’m not the drunk guy from Buffalo who expresses himself in caps. His computer is on the fritz, and I can’t say no to Widro’s puppy dog look. And trust me, he’s taken advantage of that quality several times in the past, if you know what I mean.

I’m Aaron Conley. And most likely, you don’t know who I am. If so, shame on you for not visiting 411Music and Movies. I write the column Your Video Store Shelf for 411Movies. If you haven’t read it yet, then do so right now. TNA is simply unimportant when compared to direct-to-video films.

It’s 7:30 PM, and it’s time for the preview show.

According to Mr. Blonde Highlights, Jeremy Borash, Don Callis vs. Erik Watts is one of the most anticipated matches in TNA history. He also seems to be taking fashion advice from Don West with that red shirt of his, so let me just say, “cuckoo, cuckoo.” Hype job, hype job, hype job.

Chris Sabin promo, thanks in part to the “TNA CAM.” Sabin (complete with velour) holds up two digits speaking about his X-Title, and claims that Michael Shane will not take it back. “Hail Sabin!” Meanwhile, Michael Shane and Douglas get angry, and then cackle with what is either glee or madness. What a bunch of fashionable badssses. Badasses, but fashionable nonetheless.

Despite last weeks’s show obviously still going on in the background, D-Lo Brown has a promo saying that he’s going to defeat Abyss in “three days,” meaning this was taped for Sunday’s Xplosion. Come on guys, at least film him outside or something when you’re doing this. Abyss rebukes his comments by ripping the head off of a D-Lo Brown bobblehead doll, then smashing it when the camera pans down to his crotch. That’s hot.

How many times will Tenay and Borash say some variation of “a few moments” before 8:00? We’ve got twenty-two minutes left, and I’ve already lost count.

Having missed last week’s show, seeing the Don Callis interview reminds me of just how fat Insane Clown Posse fans are. When Fairplay comes out, a subtitle pops up; “Tonight on pay-per-view: Fairplay is fair game!” That’s quite the writing there boys.

Buy a Girls of TNA 2004 calendar! However, I can not promise that Fluff Dupp and Allan Funk will be present.

Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas of The Naturals apparently came in last week and interfered to earn The Redshirt Security a title shot tonight… 3 Live Kru plan to “Drop it like it’s hot” tonight… Also occurring is Kid Kash arguing with The Redshirts, claiming that if they don’t take home the titles, they’ll be back to doing their bouncing work. If Legend happens to get fired, you can add wrestling to snitching in jobs that he’s lost.

The show begins “in just a matter of time.” No, “a matter of minutes.”

Clips from last week, where “The ICP are getting down with the Juggalos.” God bless your caucasianess Mike Tenay.

Clips are shown of AJ Styles valiantly protecting El Lion from being reveal as Apollo to the audience. Oops…

Jeff Jarrett being handcuffed tonight fits in with his plan tonight perfectly. Callis is happy, as he’ll be able to, “Fire ‘em all! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!” if he wins. In other news, Don Callis is the man.

Only a minute and a half left! Get excited, because the countdown is blinking! Blink, blink, blink! I’m so psyched now.

NWA-TNA: January 28th, 2004

Erik Watts is here to speak to us about piracy. How would YOU feel if he came into your house and ate your food? Well, I’d lose a Healthy Choice dinner or two, but it would afford me the opportunity to show him my vast collection of his 1999 jobber matches. That, my viewers, is a double-edged sword if there ever was one.

While I contemplate the evils of cable piracy, the standard recap package airs.

Erik Watts, Goldylocks, and that football guy, whom I’ve never heard of, get out of their limo. Then again, I’d never heard of Lawrence Taylor until Bigelow gave him a shove, so I’m not exactly a sports aficionado. However, if Eric Roberts stepped out of that limo, it’d be a completely different story.

And yes, that is Randy Savage you hear in the opening. It’s the TNA mix, so you know it’s good.

There are roughly fifteen handcuffs around ringside. If only Mr. Hughes was around, he’d be having himself a field day.

Abyss vs. D-Lo Brown – This should be interesting, to say the least. Right off the bat, D-Lo runs in to jump Abyss. Clothesline sends Abyss to the floor, and it’s time for some ringside brawling. These TNA girls need to get away from the ring, as they can’t even feign an “Ohh no!” face when these guys are charging towards them at full speed. A minute in, D-Lo goes for a table. Abyss comes from behind, raising him up the apron by his neck. D-Lo drops him on the top, leading to a top rope crossbody that gets two. Abyss retaliates with a flapjack, leading to more of what you and I both love. Yes, that’s right, ringside brawling. After D-Lo gets tossed around, they go right back in the ring, making me question the point of it. Corner splash by Abyss. D-Lo briefly comes back, but falls victim to a big booot. Abyss sets the table up on the apron. D-Lo escapes the torture rack, and hits an enzugiri. Top rope clothesline, and a pretty terrible looking Catonic from D-Lo. Why D-Lo is using another wrestler’s, in the same promotion mind you, finisher is beyond me, especially since they sold it as a huge feat of strength to get that done. Sit-down torture rack from Abyss is only good for two. D-Lo lands a short powerbomb, but as he goes to the top rope, Abyss pushes the referee into the ropes. Black Hole Slam, and the pinfall occurs at 7:40. *. I absolutely hate matches like this. Not only was it quite dull, but no one held a firm advantage for more than thirty seconds at a time.

D-Lo grabs Abyss by the hair, leading to D-Lo getting tossed through the table. El Lion makes the save about ten seconds too late. Lion clotheslines Abyss to the floor, and it’s revealed that there’s blood coming out of D-Lo’s mouth. Not only does D-Lo steal Chris Harris’ finisher, but he steals Ken Shamrock’s trademark.

The Redshirts, Jarrett, Gilberti, Young, Kash, and Don Callis successfully obtain legal clearance to remove Urlacher from the building. You know it’s a heel locker room because Jarrett has an expensive speakerphone. Gilberti plans to take care of the clowns, and in secrecy, tells Jarrett which of the Diamond/Swinger tandem signed the petition last week. Oooh, intrigue.

Video package, followed by the X-Factor, to hype Chris Sabin vs. Michael Shane.

X Division Champion Chris Sabin vs. Michael Shane (w/Tracy Brooks and Shane Douglas) – Jeremy Borash isn’t doing the boxing style introductions, so you know the title isn’t changing hands. And thank God for that one. As I mentioned earlier, I did not see the show last week, and I’ll commend Skipper and Tracy for taking that chair bump. Shane Douglas, cackling as usual, joins the announce booth while the two chain wrestle. Jesus Christ, twenty seconds in and a few jackasses are chanting ‘boring.’ More cackling. Sabin lands a beautiful hurricanrana, sending Shane to the floor. Sabin lands on his feet off an apron moonsault, then clotheslines Shane. He didn’t have great footing, but still impressive. Back in the ring, an enzugiri and clothesline by Sabin sends him back outside. Sorry, but a move like an enzugiri should not be used two matches in a row. Shane uses Tracy to protect himself for a few moments. Sabin jumps onto the apron, and while Shane provides the distraction, Tracy trips him. Shane beats on him outside for a few moments, even allowing Douglas to throw off a few taunts. Back in, Sabin ducks a chop, hits a few of his own, and now it’s all Sabin. Spoke too soon, as Shane crotches Sabin into a Tree of Woe. Shane plants Sabin with a dropkick to the face, and it’s lack of psychology resthold time! Thankfully that doesn’t last long, as Sabin pops up. Very fast and impressive overhead belly-to-belly by Shane for two. Sabin is elevated over the top, and to the apron. Springboard dropkick sends Shane to the floor. Maybe it’s time for some ringside brawling. Indeed it is, as Sabin clotheslines Shane over the guardrail. You know Douglas is worried because the cackling has stopped. Sabin goes inside, and springboards off the top rope, right onto Shane. Sabin with a move where he flips Shane out of the powerbomb position, and into a DDT that only gets two when Tracy puts his foot on the ropes. Yeah, that move should be avoided, as it looks pretty terrible even on a relatively small guy like Shane. Shane rolls up Sabin for two, and a spinning DDT gets the same. Shane catches a foot, Sabin does a flip, and Shane connects with a superkick. He goes for a second, but Sabin ducks. Cradle Shock is reversed into a roll up, which is then reversed into another roll up, giving Sabin the win at 10:10. ** ѕ. Solid match, with 80% of that being contributed to Sabin.

Douglas is angry, but they quickly get buddy-buddy again. They hold up the three fingers, but there’s still some tension. Yes, because what we want to see is Michael Shane eventually turning face.

Don’t just miss The Interrogators segment? No, well, then you’ll be happy to know they’ve reverted back to the one-on-one interview style. Mike Tenay is with Johnny Fairplay, who is in a neckbrace. What happened to him last week was assault. “That’s what we call it in Hollywood.” His cell briefly interrupts the conversation, and they get into a few lines of Survivor dialogue that goes right over my head since I’ve never watched the show. Hey, I’m a WB comedies kind of guy on a Thursday night. He refuses to speak of his time as an employee of Roddy Piper’s. Fairplay believes that his face amounts to buyrates. “Last week they doubled, this week they’ll triple, and the week after that they’ll quadruple. After that, I’ll probably take a week off, so they’ll stay the same.” Fairplay plans to have an interview segment if Callis gets full control of TNA, but when Tenay brings up Piper’s Pit, Fairplay jets. Fairplay’s great at being an asshole, but a weekly interview segment may be a bit too much.

At 10:34 PM last week, Sandman reveals that he plans to make a “deal with the devil” in order to destroy The Gathering. I’ll give credit to TNA’s production crew, as having it filmed shoddily like that adds to the atmosphere.

The Gathering (w/James Mitchell) vs. The Sandman and… – Sandman’s gut looks like it will approach Stevie Ray size by May. Whipwreck appears behind The Gathering, as Tenay brings up his past association with Mitchell in ECW. Those promos, by the way, were gold. Whipwreck shakes hands with The Gathering, but quickly turns on them. Caning for Punk and Deniro, and the two share a beer. Jesus, Mikey’s fat too. The old beer-to-the-face gives Punk and Deniro the opening advantage. Whgippersnapper to Punk, and a top rope hurricanrana by Sandman to Deniro. Slingshot legdrop by Whipwreck to Deniro, and then Deniro gets planted on the guardrail. Top rope hurricanrana for Punk, and Whipwreck misses a dive that sends him into the guardrail. A few cane shots to Sandman, but he retaliates with a double DDT. Mitchell steals the cane away, leading to a superkick from Deniro. Punk holds Sandman up while Deniro goes off the top with a legdrop, giving The Gathering the win at roughly 2:30. Ѕ*. What the hell was that?

The lights go off, and an awesome looking, brief video package airs, with “I’m Watching You Devil” playing over clips. Obviously a message from Raven, and The Gathering retreat in fear.

Hudson interviews Diamond and Swinger, with both claiming that they didn’t sign the loyalty oath. Once they realize that Gilberti was the one who claimed the oaths were signed, they quickly calm down and vow to keep Young and Gilberti under control tonight. This is obviously leading to an eventual turn, and I have no idea which one of these guys would actually work as a face.

In the ring, Callis calls out Brian Urlacher, who looks a bit like CZW’s Z-Barr from a distance. Callis’ lawyer told him that if Urlacher stays in the building, Watts will lose the match by default. Man, that’s quite the lawyer. The easy way would be to put his tail between his legs, and run and hide. The hard way, of course, is for The Redshirts to attach, then quickly get disposed of. Urlacher than picks Fairplay up, and just heaves him over the top rope, onto the Redshirts. I’m shocked he took that bump. Quick and relatively easy way to get rid of Urlacher, and still get a Sports Center moment out of it.

Hudson is with Team America, or whatever they’re calling themselves. They’re going to scout their opponents tonight.

Before the next match, Kash walks out to try and get Borash to sign the oath. Borash just flips out, telling him to get the HELL out of the ring because Watts is winning tonight. Now that is one of the nice things that TNA does that WWE doesn’t. What TNA does do, and the WWE doesn’t, that shouldn’t be done, is what follows. Kash gets into a brawl with Tiny the Timekeeper and Sara the Ticket Lady, who is, of course, armed with her trusty broom.

Not a Fucking Chance in Hell (Chad Collyer, Matt Stryker, Shark Boy, and Eric Yong) vs. Team AAA (Juventud Guerrera, Mr. Aguila, Hector Garza, Abismo Negro) – Wow, I wonder who’s going to win this one. Negro’s got himself a crazy mask, Aguila’s got himself some red hair, Garza is wearing a bandana, and Juventud took ecstasy and smacked around a female cop. Sorry, that just kind of slipped through. Shark Boy and Guerrera start off. A neckbreaker by Shark Boy gets two. Juvi gets a corner boot up, but then he misses a corner splash. Tag to Young, and a tag to Negro. Right off the bat, Young and Negro get sloppy on our asses. Did Tenay just claim that Negro was the most known of the AAA competitors? They go to the floor, leading Collyer and Aguila (Essa Rios) into the ring. Dropkick from Aguila, and as quick as they came in, they leave. Hector Garza, who is nearly sporting a porn star moustache, comes in to face Matt Stryker. They go at in the corner. Garza charges with clothesline, but Stryker catches him and tosses him down to the mat. Tag into Young, who goes to a short chinlock… In an eight-man luchadore match. All four members tag in and out in an attempt to cut the ring in half. Waistlock suplex by Collyer gets two. Garza sneaks in a tag to Negro. Negro clotheslines Collyer, who gets a tag into Young. Juvi comes in, who is so much more fluid with his work than everyone else. Garza and Shark Boy tag in, followed by Collyer, and this thing has turned into a quagmire of shit. Garza drop toe holds Shark Boy into the corner, leading to Negro and Young being tagged in. Negro clotheslines Young to the outside, and a tope suicida follows. Flip dive from Aguila, crossbody from Shark Boy, and a top rope moonsault where Garza nearly breaks his neck. Back in the ring, missile dropkick, and a move that Tenay incorrectly labels as a Juvi Driver from Guerrera. Shooting star press by Aguila, and that’s all they need for a win at 8:45. Ѕ*. Wow, this was an absolute MESS. I loved these six, eight-man style matches in WCW, but everything was off tonight. With an entire show being dedicated to these guys, TNA better pray that they don’t suck the energy out of the tournament matches.

Team USA enter the ring, and the eight men shake hands. Well, I assume things will be built up next week.

Hudson speaks to Trinity, who claims that Siaki is braindead. Trinity wants to be with Jarrett, not Kash (“those beans don’t bake”) or Siaki. A very plain looking Siaki comes in to bicker with Trinity, leading to Kash attacking him. He handcuffs Siaki to the dressing room, and goes for an unsuccessful attempt at getting ass.

NWA Tag Team Champions 3 Live Kru of BG James and Ron Killings (w/Konnan) vs. The Redshirt Security (w/that damn music) – Once again, no boxing introductions. Killings looks absolute ridiculous with his braids in a ponytail. Northcutt and James start off, exchanging blows. Northcutt employs a poke to the eyes to avoid the discus punches. Tag to Killings, and a double hiptoss garners two. Killings grounds Northcutt, who quickly gets back up and tags Legend in. Axe and spin kicks for Legend. Killings goes to the top rope, and Legend crotches him. Legend briefly manhandles Killings, hitting him with a running boot to the head. Second rope legdrop gets two. Northcutt in, who ducks under a clothesline, and plants Killings with a powerbomb. For whatever reason, Don West says that he just “powerslammed him down.” Simplistic, but nice double team move that leads to Killings getting clotheslined. Legend misses a moonsault, allowing James to be tagged in. Dancing kneedrop to Northcutt. He goes for the pin, and Legend winds up dropping an elbow on his partner in an attempt to break it up. Killings springboards off James’ back, taking both men out. Legend to the floor, and Killings hits a top rope plancha. To be honest, that was more impressive than the majority of the moves in that last match. Konnan brawls with Michael Shane on the floor, which distracts the referee long enough to allow Shane Douglas to hit James with the chain. Northcutt covers, and that’s good enough for a 1-2-3 at 7:05; new NWA Tag Team Champions… The Redshirt Security??? *. My little theory sure was flawed.

Sandman is on his cell phone, and announces that next week, he’s bringing Terry Funk to the Asylum.

In the ring, Mike Tenay introduces “the most hated and most controversial group in America,” the Insane Clown Posse. This is a total markout moment for any ICP fan, as they’re using actual ICP music, flashing symbols of the joker cards, and footage from Juggalo Championshit Wrestling. And just a minute into the segment, TNA has done more to establish their identity than WWE, WCW, and ECW did combined. Violent J first says that Mike Tenay is “the bomb.” Highlight of his career folks. They pander to the crowd for a few moments, and then give compliments to the promotion. Since they’ve seen juggalos in the crowd, they’re now going to take Wednesdays off from the business and come hang out with their family. He speaks about Jeff Jarrett. “I’m a fan. I thought the whole Slapnuts thing was cool.” Glen Gilberti and David Young interrupt, leading to a “Disco sucks” chant. Gilberti busts out some solid cheap heat, and invites the ICP to join the Jeff Jarrett Family. With ICP is 2 Tuff Tony, a JCW wrestler, by the way. J is quite funny here, despite flubbing lines left and right. They all begin to brawl, and ICP send Young and Gilberti flying into each other. They retreat, and the ICP celebrate. I can’t really fault them for this, as Gilberti is pretty much retired from actual wrestling, and Young isn’t really going anywhere. This was a tad bit too long, but it should amount to a half decent match.

Tenay and West hype the upcoming tournament, which will feature four singles matches, two tag team bouts, and one eight-man match. The point system will be introduced in the coming weeks. ICP interrupts, and challenge Gilberti and Young to put on their spandex panties for a match next week. El Lion will also face Abyss.

Hudson is with Erik Watts, who says everything you’d expect. Nice camera trick, as they’re zoomed up on Watts until he mentions his people. It then zooms out to reveal the faces standing behind him.

Thanks to the deal with ICP’s record company, Psychopathic, they also got to use a Twiztid song for the promo video in regards to tonight’s main event. Licensing actual music is a good sign, though this one doesn’t exactly fit things. And correct me if I’m wrong as I saw it out of the corner of my eye, but was the phrase “Next week” present?

Wait, they’re spelling his name E-R-I-C-K? Ummm… No.

Winner Runs TNA: TNA Management Consultant Don Callis vs. TNA Director of Authority Erik Watts – Harris/Abyss, Lynn/Kash (who is putting up quite the fit), Gilberti/Swinger, Legend/Storm, Northcutt/Harris, and Young/Diamond are handcuffed together. Jarrett runs down to the ring and handcuffs Tenay to the guardrail. Watts thought ahead, though, as Jarrett is forcefully cuffed to El Lion. Callis has a Ric Flair robe on, along with some actual tights. This is not going to be pretty. Callis mounts a brief offense, and Watts backdrops him. He throws him to the floor, where we get some cute handcuff antics from Lynn and Kash. Knee to the gut by Callis, who weakly throws Watts into the steps. Watts tosses Callis into the crowd. Watts charges at Callis, who is smart enough to meet him with the loving embrace of a chair. Watts whacks Callis with a chair, and the seat of it flies right off. Okay, so it’s a plastic chair, but it looked nice. Watts uses a metal chair on Callis, and they’re now over at the announce booth. A piledriver is attempted on Watts, but Callis gets backdropped for two. Ohh yeah, it’s falls count anywhere. Callis once again runs away, back into the ring. Jarrett grabs Watts’ leg, allowing him to take control. Kneedrop to Watts, and the announcers are forced to sell it like death. Sleeper for a few seconds, and then Watts comes back with an obviously missed big boot. Ten punches in the corner, and Jesus Christ, it’s a ref bump. It’s no DQ motherfu… Watts with one of the worst chokeslams ever. Trinity comes in, and moonsaults onto Watts. She’s not handcuffed due to the attack on Siaki, as apparently no one bothered to help the poor guy out. That is only good enough for two. The Naturals run out, and now everyone’s bawling at ringside. Callis brings the belt into the ring. Watts elbows Trinity, big boots Callis, and Goldylocks is now down at ringside. Wow, I think it’s obvious what’s coming next. Watts plants Trinity with a big powerbomb. He ducks a belt shot, brings Callis up for a chokeslam, and Goldylocks low blows him. Belt shot for Watts, and Callis pins to become the new Director of Authority at 8:40. ј*.

Tenay is none too happy. “Godylocks, you WHORE!… That bitch is a damn golddigger!” And the show goes off the air with rampant celebration occurring.

I’ve been a fan of TNA since its inception, and this is another one of their many shows that, while better than the competition, still is not worth the $9.95 pricetag. The motives behind the match were solid, but Don Callis vs. Erik Watts is not a main event calibar match. I don’t care about the many months they’ve spent building up to it. In addition, I’m fearing for TNA when it comes to these AAA guys. Tonight’s eight-man was absolutely terrible, with a guy like Michael Shane being more than capable of pulling off the majority of the flips and dives that are used by the men who TNA is relying on when it comes to an entire PPV.

Nothing really dragged tonight, and that’s always positive. But that omnipresent idea of Mantel’s that TNA should be booked like a free TV show is hurting things immensely. I’d be satisfied with the show if I had just seen it on TBS. But for $9.95, absolutely not.

Next week should be interesting to say the least. El Lion vs. Abyss, The Sandman/Terry Funk vs. The Gathering, and ICP vs. Gilberti/Young won’t be great matches, but the fallout from tonight’s angle should provide a further glimpse into Mantel’s booking philosophies.

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