411’s NWA TNA Wrestling Report 01.21.04

— Hey folks, TNA recapper Jack Daniels here. Well, TNA’s signing of Johnny Fairplay finally did it. I finally got more feedback than porn spam. In fact, I got enough to do a mini-mailbag!

— Why am I doing a mailbag? The same reason everyone else does one: To give the illusion that we really care what you think. But reaction to the signing of Johnny Fairplay seems to be positive so far, shocking the hell out of me. Observe:

Hey, just wanted to comment about “Jonny Fairplay”. Well first of all I want to say thanks for typing up the recaps, I appreciate it since I’m interested in the storylines but I’m too cheap to buy the show.

Now I’m not trying to say you should be a huge Jonny Fairplay mark, especially since he has yet to do anything at all in pro wrestling. But it’s pretty weak to crap all over his announcement just because he came from Survivor. Survivor is a good entertaining show, and again no one says you have to like it. But I get the impression that you hate it mostly because of its mainstream popularity. I’ve seen so many people call the show dumb because “it has nothing to do with survival skills” and all kinds of dumb reasons… and that stuff is really no different from watching wrestling once and going “omg how can anyone like this, look he just PRETENDED to punch someone, man this is retarded”. But at least you watched it once unlike some other people. You might want to give it another chance… but whatever.

About Jon though, he really could be a big help to TNA. He has more public recognition that anyone in the whole company, with the possible exception of Raven or maybe Jeff Jarrett. He seems to live, breathe and eat wrestling… he was doing famous wrestling quotes all the time on Survivor, and he would have won the show if not for one tiny mistake. He plays the part of a heel manager like Bobby Heenan and he lives that way 24/7. I just wanted to say, you ought to at least give him a chance, maybe he’ll be a huge flop and maybe he won’t, but that is a pretty big surprise to most wrestling fans, not a disappointment.

Name not given

— Actually, my objection to Survivor can be summed up like this: Another letter (the next one, in fact) said if I liked playing the game Diplomacy (which I did), I should like Survivor. But then, I like playing Diplomacy, not watching other people play Diplomacy. Same with golf and baseball. I don’t hate Survivor because of some sort of mainstream backlash; I just found it as boring as watching flies fuck. Another response, then we’ll get to the show.

1. Excellent recaps. I really enjoy reading them. My wife balks at the $10 weekly price tag, so I’m only able to get one show a month. Well, at least I get laid every night…

2. I watched Survivor this time around after a two-year hiatus. It was an interesting show this time around. If you’ve ever played the boardgame Diplomacy you’d dig the show. Lots of political
maneuvering and backstabbing. Makes for fun watchin’!

Anyway, Johnny Fairplay (a.k.a. Jon Dalton) was probably the best player ever in the history of that game. There were no depths to which this guy would not sink to win. In short, he was the ultimate heel.

Example: During one of the contests the contestants were visited by a friend or loved one from back home. Johnny’s best friend shows up
and Jon asks him where his [Jon’s] grandmother is, with whom he is very close, apparently. His friend proceeds to tell him that his grandmother passed away but that there was no way to get in contact with him.

Jon breaks down crying and the rest of the contestants have sufficient pity to let him win the contest, the reward for which is time with his friend off eating and relaxing somewhere.

After the contest, the camera cuts to Jon and his friend walking on the beach just busting a gut over what they just pulled. It was the most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen.

The guy is very charismatic. I remember thinking that he’d make an excellent heel manager or lackey.

NWA stands to benefit from this. Given time I think he’ll be great on the stick. Plus they have the added bonus of touting the signing
of Survivor’s most hated player.

Just my $.02

Michael Howard

— I’m just worried they’re going to push this guy at the expense of the guys I really enjoy seeing (Christopher Daniels, AJ Styles, Simon and Swinger, et. al.). By the way, I’m watching the pregame show, and already seeing signs of this.

— Okay, enough mail, time for a SAMURAI CADAVER DOGS UPDATE! The Dogs are 12-0, but if Vince Carter doesn’t stop being a wuss and get off the bench this week, the Redneck Renegades may just hand me my first loss.

— By the way, anyone know where I can find downloadable versions of all the Cooties Bar flash cartoons?

— I’d do the recap of where we are in TNA so far in 2004, but it doesn’t matter, because TNA signed JOHNNY FAIRPLAY!

— Recap of the buildup to last week’s Erik Watts/AJ vs. Abyss/Jarrett match, and the match itself. And, after a stunning run of great production, the video cuts out and picks up on Callis threatening to quit if AJ gets his shot, and Watts threatening to quit if AJ doesn’t.

— Argument between Tenay and West over Tenay’s involvement in the match.

— Jarrett and his lackeys celebrating the arrival of JOHNNY FAIRPLAY!

— And we get a letter from TNA management… and it’s Watts vs. Callis in a falls-count-anywhere match, with their jobs at stake. To prevent interference, the wrestlers will be handcuffed in pairs at ringside.

— TNA Open, and I’ve been told Randy Savage did the open. Can this be confirmed?

— And we’re LIVE from the JOHNNY FAIRPLAY Asylum and my 3-room hole in Buffalo, NY, respectively.

— And Erik Watts is in the ring, but who cares, because JOHNNY FAIRPLAY IS HERE! Watts threatens to destroy Callis next week. Watts then brings out the captain for the TNA America’s X Cup team, and it’s Jerry Lynn! “Jer-ry” chant. Lynn thanks Watts, and there’s a “Faygo” sign in the crowd, amusing me intensely. “Welcome Back” chant. ICP chant? What the hell? And Kid Kash comes out, calls the ICP fans in the crowd painted whores. Says Watts could have gotten Lynn back earlier, but everyone is out for themselves in TNA. And there’s a sign in the crowd that says “Representing Buffalo Juggalos.” We have Juggalos in Buffalo? Kash continues to suck up to Lynn, runs down Watts and the NWA. Kash tries to get Lynn to join with Jarrett, and sign the damn clipboard. Kash says Lynn can jump on his back and Kash will carry him, or he can face Kash in the ring tonight. Lynn makes like he’s going to sign, the breaks the clipboard over Kash’s head! Brawling outside, Kash drops Lynn on the guardrail and rams him into the steps. Lynn fights back, and Lynn tosses Kash out over the top rope. And Lynn rips up the signatures again. BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS JOHNNY FAIRPLAY IS HERE!

— Hudson in the back with Jarrett and Callis. He’s on the phone with his lawyer, and Don is freaking out over next week’s match. Jarrett trying to calm Callis down, and Kash comes in, and Jarrett says he better get a signature from Sonny Siaki tonight.

— Package recapping the Gathering’s beatdown of the Sandman last week, and the Sandman announcing Balls Mahoney will show up this week. But that doesn’t matter, BECAUSE JOHNNY FAIRPLAY IS HERE!

— Tag team match: The Gathering w/Father James Mitchell vs. The Sandman and Balls Mahoney. Mmmm… cage dancers. Normal Sandman entrance, complete with blading off the beer can and pouring out some liquid for the crowd, as well. Tenay mentions the ICP. “We got Balls” sign in the crowd. Mahoney bringing a chair and thumbtacks to the ring as the Gathering tries to Pearl Harbor the Sandman. Balls clears the ring and shares a beer with the Sandman, but stereo enzuigiris from the Gathering call them to SPILL THE BEER! Texas Tornado rules, top rope hurricanrana by Sandman on Punk, followed by a frogsplash from Balls, but Julio with a spinning kick. Double team on Mahoney, Julio takes out the Sandman with a baseball slide as Balls tosses Punk. Sandman and Julio back in, Sandman drapes Julio over the top rope, and an Arabian legdrop to the back of the head hits. Punk surprises Mahoney with a springboard dropkick. Chairshot for Sandman, then Mahoney back in the ring, but Punk hits a Shining Wizard with a chair on Mahoney, then a Wizard on Sandman, then a sideslam/flying elbow combo on Mahoney gets the win. WINNERS: The Gathering. Gathering trying to a beatdown, but Raven’s music plays briefly, confusing the Gathering, and allowing the Sandman to clear the ring. I really hope we’re not going to see Crow Raven, at least not in a tag team with JOHNNY FAIRPLAY.

— Recap of the break up of Gilberti’s Used Car Salesmen, as Gilberti turns on Diamond to give David Young the win. Gilberti and Young pissed about Simon and Swinger disrespecting them, almost as much as I disrespected JOHNNY FAIRPLAY.

— Hudson in the back with Gilberti and Young. Gilberti says without him, Simon and Swinger would be nothing. David Young playing the D’Lo to Gilberti’s Rock. Gilberti says one of them signed the loyalty contract for Jarrett, and one of them didn’t, but JOHNNY FAIRPLAY DID.

— Tag Team match: David Young and Glenn Gilberti vs. Simon and Swinger: I think there’s a new cage dancer tonight, with _fantastic_ tits. I really hope they don’t break up Simon and Swinger, because then I wouldn’t hear their them music anymore. Heels try to jump Simon and Swinger, but Young gets isolated, double flapjack followed by a Stinger, then a sideslam/inverted DDT combo. Simon trying to force Gilberti to tag Young in a cute spot. Young tries to get a spinebuster, but Simon gets the Simon Series on Young, Gilberti distracts Simon and gets him to chase, allowing Young to get a spinebuster. Gilberti tagged in, and Simon begging him to hit him in the face? Neckbreaker by Gilberti for 2. Young tagged back in, drop toe hold elbow combo, then David Young with a moonsault, and it hits for 2. Clothesline by Young, and he tags in Gilberti. Simon makes a comeback, but a russian leg sweep stops that. Gilberti misses a flying knee drop. Tag to Swinger, and HE’S ON FIRE, just like JOHNNY FAIRPLAY! Swinger with a huge backdrop on David Young. Gilberti tries a sneak attack, but he gets caught and double Flatlinered. All four men in, Gilberti ends up hitting Young on accident, superkick puts Gilberti out, and the Problem Solver on Young gets 3! WINNERS: Simon and Swinger.

— More zany hijinx with Kid Kash and the old ticket taker lady as I go to brush my teeth. Be right back. And we’re back, Tiny tries to save, then Chris Vaughn tries to save, but the heels stop that, and Heavy D comes in to clean house.

— Stretch limo in the back, four fabulous babes step out, and the blond gets drawn back in.

— Video package with Kash trying to get Siaki’s signature while taking a dump. Trouble between Trinity and Siaki, and Trinity signs.

— Hudson in the back with Siaki and Trinity arguing again, probably over who gets to go down on JOHNNY FAIRPLAY.

— Singles match: Sonny Siaki vs. D’Lo Brown: Didn’t we finish this feud three months ago? Was it really so good we needed to see it again. I look at the cage dancers, and all I can think of is “Ass and Titties.” “D’Lo” chant. Siaki tries to attack from behind, but D’Lo fights back and gets a flying forearm and a backdrop. Siaki ducks a clothesline and turns it into a neckbreaker. Back elbow by Siaki gets 2. Snap mare and a chinlock, turned into a pin for 2. D’Lo fights back with some rights, but puts his head down too soon on a body drop and gets a boot in the face, and then a superkick for 2. Shoulder thrusts in the corner, then a WOOO chop and another shoulder thrust. Irish whip reversed, but D’Lo eats a boot on an idiot charge. D’Lo with a sloppy spinebuster and we get the double KO spot. D’Lo with some chops in the corner, then a flying forearm in the corner, and D’Lo goes up top and hits a flying clothesline, then Siaki sits up and D’Lo hits a slidinga clothesline for 2. Spinning powerslam gets 2, and out comes Trinity and my god what an ass. Siaki with a drop toe hold into the ropes, then Siaki brings in a chair, but D’Lo with a kick to the face. D’Lo goes to use the chair but the ref won’t let him use it, and Trinity with a flying Tornado DDT for 2. Toe to toe slugging. Sky High out of nowhere by D’Lo gets the duke. WINNER: D’Lo Brown. Trinity berating Sonny after the match.

— And more wacky hijinx with Kid Kash, as he’s out to get Siaki’s signature. Siaki refusing to sign, Kash is insistent. Siaki refuses again, Kash with a slap, then Siaki clotheslines Kash and starts pounding on him, but Trinity pulls him off a couple of times then kicks Siaki! Fisherman’s neckbreaker by Kash, and Trinity with a moonsault! Kash tries to hit on Trinity, but she’s having none of that.

— Hudson in the back with the Redshirts and Callis, Trinity comes back, and says she’s loyal to Jarrett and the Redshirts, but not to Kash.

— Recap of the New Franchise beatdown on Elix Skipper, and Low Ki and Daniels making the save, and Low Ki refusing to put the band back together.

— Promos from the New Franchise and Triple X hyping this week’s match.

— Tag Team match: The New Franchise w/Traci Withaneye vs. Dos Equis (Elix Skipper and Christopher Daniels): Daniels and Skipper rush the ring, and Daniels tosses Shane quick. Heels try to regroup outside. Douglas back in, and Daniels clotheslines him and pounds on him in the corner, then tags Skipper to continue the pounding, tag to Daniels, tag to Skipper, then he breaks the pounding with a snap mare. Douglas goes to the eyes and tags in Shane. Shane eats turnbuckle on an idiot charge, Douglas tries to interfere but gets stopped. Skipper slips out of a pin attempt by Shane and gets a superkick. Tag to Daniels. Headbutt by Daniels, body slam then a split legged moonsault for two. Daniels tags in Skipper and they get a suplex/flying bodypress combo. 30 points if you can tell me what early 90s tag team used that as their finisher. Douglas with a forearm to Skipper, Shane tries for a suplex, but Skipper reverses to a front suplex, but Douglas successfully hits the rolling reverse neck snap this time. Shane working the neck in the ring. Neckbreaker by Shane gets 2. Tag to Douglas. Grounded full nelson, but Daniels breaks it up. Shane tagged back in, snapmare and reverse chinlock. Skipper fights out, but eats a belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Douglas goes looking for plunder, and sets up some chairs outside the ring. Shane forces Skipper into the corner, Skipper tries to fight back but Douglas stops him. Tag to Douglas, and he spits at Daniels, allowing Douglas to toss Skipper. Shane tries to back suplex Skipper onto the chairs, but Skipper whips Shane into the guardrail. Douglas stunned that Skipper made it back in. Drop toe hold by Douglas, but Skipper gets the tag anyway, and Christopher Daniels is ON FIRE! Blue Thunder Bomb on Shane gets two. Douglas with a front Russian legsweep, and he tries to take Daniels out of the ring, but Skipper with a baseball slide and a twisting plancha! Douglas set up on the chairs, Skipper going up to, Traci tries to stop him, but Shane pushes them both off onto the chairs! HOLY SHIT! Last Rites on Shane, but Douglas has a chain and labels Daniels with it for the win! WINNERS: The New Franchise, AND JOHNNY FAIRPLAY.

— 3 Live Kru on the other NWA tag teams. On the Redshirts: “He’s got a serious booty spasm.” AMW likes it rough… on the backside. The jokes are coming too fast and too furious for me to recap, but I had tears in my eyes. Five words: Dom Delouise and autoerotic asphyxiation.

— Tag team number one contenders match: Redshirt Security vs. America’s Most Wanted. Brawling outside to start. Can we start a tag team match proper just once? I mean, seriously, none of the matches tonight started with two guys in the ring and a bell ringing. More brawling. And more brawling. And there’s more brawling outside. And FINALLY we get Legend and James Storm in the ring. And more brawling. Legend ducks a clothesline and Storm with a kick. Storm with a lariat and a tag to Chris Harris. Irish whip, but Harris drops the head too quick and catches a forearm. Thesz press and pounding by Harris, but Legend cheap shots him. Tag to Northcutt. Harris keeps from eating boot on an idiot charge, then gets a bulldog. AMW tries a double team move, but Storm lands awkwardly and hurt his shoulder or arm or groin or something. Storm selling a right arm injury. Legend with a kick to the hurt shoulder, then Northcutt with a single arm DDT. Legend with an armbreaker, then wraps the arm around the rope. Storm tries to fight out of the Redshirts’ corner with one arm, but Northcutt comes in on a blind tag and gets his Northern Lights Suplex into the corner… for two? Northcutt pulled him up! Northcutt with a choke on the ropes, then baits Harris, allowing Legend to work the arm, and ram him shoulder first into the barricade on the outside. Northcutt wraps Storm’s arm around the guardrail, and Legend comes off with a flying axhandle. Storm rolled back in, and Legend gets a two-count. Legend sets Storm on the top rope. Superplex? No, Storm stops it, and gets a sunset flip, but Northcutt distracts the ref! Northcutt tries to get the Tiger Driver, but Storm dumps him! Legend keeps him from getting the tag, Enzuigiri by Storm! Northcutt pulls Harris off the apron before the tag! Storm tries to go up top, but an overhead superplex by Legend gets 2. Tag to Northcutt, but Storm gets a miracle superkick! Hot tag to Harris, and you’ve heard the NBA Jam audio thing. Flying forearm for Northcutt, clothesline dumps Legend. Storm with a blind tag to Harris, and he gets a Victory Roll for 2.8. Legend drapes Harris on the top ropes, Storm with a rollup on Northcutt, but Legend tosses him. Harris with a spear on Northcutt. Catatonic on Northcutt, but the ref is outside the ring! The Naturals interfere, and we dial it back to the 80s as Harris takes powder in the face, and eats a chairshot, allowing Northcutt to get the three count. WINNERS: Redshirt Security.

— Hudson in the back with Father James Mitchell and The Gathering. Standard awesome Mitchell promo. Mitchell dares Raven to come out and play, and dares Sandman to choose Raven as his tag team partner. Punk on the stick, and he rules, much like JOHNNY FAIRPLAY.

— Don Callis in the middle of the ring. Says big matches aren’t won by size, but by brains. Callis introducing Johnny Fairplay, and he actually gets some heel heat to start, but when he appears, there’s actually a few cheers? Hmmm. “You suck” chant. Fairplay with some standard Nashville crowd baiting. Got any soap here? After about five sentences, I hit the mute button. He’s got the look of someone whose ass I’d like to kick though, so that counts for something. I’m still on mute, by the way, so I’m just going to go back and proofread and and some gratuitous JOHNNY FAIRPLAY references in my report. And thankfully, AJ Styles comes out to save us! I’ve never been so happy to see AJ Styles in my life. And AJ asks the question I asked last week. “Who are you?” AJ compares Fairplay to Carrot Top, leading to a “Carrot Top” chant. AJ tries to demand a title shot, Fairplay gets back on the stick, and I mute until the inevitable beatdown. It finishes with a Styles clash on Fairplay.

— Cut to West and Tenay, with West dressed in piss yellow tonight, for those wondering. Next week, Sabin defending the X-Division title against Michael Shane, 3 Live Kru vs. the Redshirts, Callis vs. Watts. And ICP’s in the aundience.

— Hudson in the back with El Leon, Watts and Goldilocks. Watts fires up El Leon for his match with Jarrett, then runs down Callis, until Callis shows up and Blackshirt security has to pull them apart.

— Video package recapping how El Leon’s gotten the best of Jarrett two weeks in a row. Because Jarrett didn’t have JOHNNY FAIRPLAY.

— Street Fight match: Jeff Jarrett vs. El Leon: Someone said El Leon was Brian Christopher, but he looks too big to be Christopher to me. Garbage can shots to start. Then an inverted atomic drop by El Leon. Tenay pushes Jarrett, and West aghast! “Mike Tenay” chant! Chairshot to the back by El Leon. Leon sets up the chair in the corner. Jarrett stops an irish whip, then eats a boot on an idiot charge. Trash can lid shots by Jarrett on the outside. Fighting into the crowd. Chairshot by Jarrett. “Jarrett Sucks” chant. More chairshots. El Leon rammed into the announce table. Jarrett whips El Leon, then knocks him out with a chairshot, then Jarrett pushes Tenay! Leon makes a comeback, and the fight into the crowd again. Jarrett goes low and hits El Leon with a chairshot, then rams the chair into his gut. A fan tries to get involved, but the ref pushes her out of the way quick. El Leon takes a few more chairshots, but El Leon shrugs it off and hits a few of his own. Jarrett stops to jaw with ICP, then destroys El Leon with a few more chairshots. Then ICP Faygos Jarrett, allowing El Leon to recover. Lariat by El Leon gets 2. Fireman’s Carry into a weird neckbreaker thingy for 2. Jarrett pulls the ref into the way of the spear attempt by El Leon. Tenay stops Jarrett from using the guitar! El Leon with a sky high, and Tenay revives the ref… for a 2 count. Jarrett distracted by Tenay again, and a superkick “connects” for 2. Back elbow by Jarrett, and he smashes the guitar over El Leon’s head, and Jarrett goes for the mask. And here comes AJ with a flying clothesline and a hanging vertical suplex. Styles clash? No, Abyss makes the save! Torture Rack drop by Abyss. Ref has thrown the match out. Abyss sets up a table on the ramp. Styles tries to fight back on Abyss, but Abyss Gorilla Press slams him from the ring through the table! Jarrett and Abyss victorious in the ring celebrating… Styles is out, and Jarrett jaws with Tenay to take us out.

— Decent show, I suppose. But only because of JOHNNY FAIRPLAY!