411’s TNA Impact Report 01.14.10

Welcome TNAManiacs to 411mania’s TNA Impact Report. I’m your host, Joseph Martinez, and it feels good to finally cross the line, brother. Some of you may be wondering why I’m here and not your regular guy. The answer is really pretty simple. Hulk Hogan and co. called Bossman Csonka and DEMANDED a Hulkamaniac recap the show. What better Hogan mark than I? Here’s a quick explanation of the rating system I’m going to use for Impact.

Most of the ratings’ll be 2 or 4 Hogan faces. I gave star ratings on one or two occasions and everyone said I was too charitable with them. These are more of a judgment on how entertained I was during the match. Obviously, hyperbole is in play here. With all of that being said, let’s get to the program.

◊ Video package covering last Monday’s huge Impact. Surprise debuts, solid wrestling and Hulk Hogan. EVERYBODY HAS TO EARN THEIR SPOT IN THIS COMPANY. Except Lashley, who is being forced to stay or something.

◊ “The Band,” is our title for tonight’s program. This can only mean Scott Hall-Sean Waltman-Kevin Nash spam. I look forward to that.

◊ We’re opening up with a tag team match. First out are the debuting Youngbucks working under the Generation Me moniker. Never seen them in action so this should be fun. The Motor City Machine Guns are their opponents.

Match One
Motor City Machine Guns v. Generation Me

Chris Sabin and the dark haired guy start off. Sabin gets an arm wrench but black hair guy reverses. We learn his name is Max from the announcers. Sabin maneuvers his way into performing an arm drag on Max. Sabin keeps the arm wrenched and tags in Shelley. Shelley comes in and continues the arm wrench. Max tries a whip but Shelley stops him. The Guns double team Max until Jeremy comes in. He gets dismantled by the guns.

Sabin snapmares Max to the ground and then drops a fist. He throws Max’s head into Shelley’s boot and tags in Shelley. Shelley comes in and applies a chinlock. Max get to his feet and elbows his way out. Shelley throws a quick chop as we see Waltman and Nash walking backstage. Max tries to mount some offense but Sabin interrupts him. Shelley tags in Sabin and they try to double team Max. Max avoids and takes Sabin out with a nice cutter. He tags in Jeremy and Jeremy goes in with a clothesline to Shelley. He tries to whip Sabin but Sabin reverses. Jeremy attacks him with a an elbow and then an inverted atomic drop. He kicks Shelley and then takes Sabin out with a facebuster. Pinfall gets two.

Jeremy tags in Max and they whip Sabin into the corner. Sabin tries to takes both members of Generation Me out but Max kicks him. Generation Me double team Sabin and that ends with a double team neckbreaker. Pinfall gets a two count. Sabin takes Max to the ground and tags in Shelley. Shelley goes upstairs and comes down with a dropkick. He tries a German but Max blocks it. Both men run against the ropes. Max takes Shelley down with a spear. Jeremy flies off the ropes for a splash while Max does a standing moonsault to Shelley. Two count.

Shelley up in the corner and he avoids an attack from Jeremy. Sabin eliminates Jeremy with a springboard clothesline and he signals for a double team maneuver. The Guns take Max out but Jeremy stops the pin at two. Sabin flies to the outside but Jeremy slides out of the way.

Max stops Sliced Bread and Jeremy superkicks Shelley. Rolling fireman’s carry to Sabin from Max. A 450 splash is delivered from Jeremy to Shelley and that’s followed up by a moonsault from Max. Ballgame.

WINNERS: Generation Me
Fun, fast-paced match. Made Generation Me look good. They really need better names than Max and Jeremy though.

◊ We’re backstage now. The Nasty Boys are in a trashed room. They’re apparently in Team 3D’s locker room. Someone knocks and it turns out to be Team 3D, back from Japan. The Nasty Boys refuse to open the door and 3D yells at them.

◊ We’re back from commercial with a video of Hogan talking about the Styles-Angle match from last week. Hogan says the fans deserve to see the match one more time so it’s taking place at the next pay-per-view. The Hulkster says they’ve attracted one of the biggest impact players and they will debut at Genesis. I really hope it isn’t Ken Anderson. Most overrated guy on the internets. Don’t disappoint me Hogan.

◊ Kurt Angle’s music is up and he’s out. Angle says he wants to give Styles credit. Styles won the title last September and has proven it wasn’t a fluke. Last week, AJ proved he earned everything on his own. Angle gave everything in the last match and still didn’t come out on top. Angle says it was just a one-shot deal though. Athletes trade wins all the time and the only match that matters is the last one. Kurt Angle says he’s going to be the man that wins the last match.

AJ Styles obviously disagrees because he makes his way out. AJ appreciates Angle taking his loss like a man. Styles agrees that they would have traded wins if it was a series but believes he would be the winner at the end of the day. AJ reminds Angle that the title match at Genesis is Angle’s last shot at the title in 2010. Kurt Angle says it’s good news because one shot is all he needs. They shake hands, hug and the segment ends.

OR IS IT? As AJ Styles is leaving, a masked man attacks him from behind. The man throws him inside the ring and clotheslines him inside. The man takes off his mask and it’s Tomko. Taz and Tenay are dumbfounded.

◊ We return to Impact with a recap of Tomko’s attack on AJ Styles.

◊ Christy Hemme is backstage with the band. She introduces them but Bubba The Love Sponge tells her to go away. Bubba wants to know what they did with Mick Foley after last week’s beatdown. Big Sexy says The Band is back together but Bubba says he needs information. Scott Hall slurs some stuff but Bubba needs his answer. Hall says what happens in the band, stays in the band and Bubba gives up on his attempt to find out where Mick Foley is.

◊ The Beautiful People is out for the next match. Tenay asks Taz about last week’s Strip Poker segment and he was disappointed. The ladies see Angelina Love sitting in the front row and they hug. Aww. Awesome Kong and Hamada are their opponents. Apparently they are the new Knockout Tag Champions but this next match is non-title.

Match Two
Awesome Kong and Hamada © v. The Beautiful People

Velvet Sky and Hamada start off. They grapple. Hamada gets a chant and takes Sky into the ropes. Ref tells her to stop and pulls them apart. Sky pulls Hamada down by the hair and then mounts her for some punches. Sky picks her up and whips her into the corner. She rushes her and nails a clothesline. Bulldog from Sky. Pinfall gets a two. Sky takes Hamada into the corner and tags in Madison Rayne. Rayne attacks with some shoulderblocks and tags Sky back in. Sky chokes Hamada and then Rayne comes in for a double team attack. They taunt Kong but that allows Hamada to get out of their grasp and tag in Kong. Kong takes both ladies down and then sends Sky into the corner. She whips Rayne into the same corner and charges at them with full force. Awesome Bomb from Kong to Rayne ends the match.

WINNERS: Awesome Kong and Hamada
Made Kong and Hamada emphasize their newly acquired titles and planted the seeds for the Love-Beautiful People feud. Decent

◊ Lacey Von Erich and Velvet Sky check up on Madison Rayne. Angelina Love comes into the ring to check but she takes Lacey Von Erich down. She then beats up the other two members of The Beautiful People. She focuses on Velvet Sky and throws her outside. Love whips Sky into the steel guardrail and Love yells some stuff to her face.

◊ We’re backstage now with AJ Styles barging in on Eric Bischoff’s office. He asks for Hogan and Bischoff tells him the Hulkster is busy. Styles says he wants to take care of Tomko for attacking him from behind. Bischoff asks Styles what he wants him to do. Styles wants Tomko in a match and Easy E questions his request considering the rematch with Angle at Genesis. Bischoff says he needs a main event so Styles will have to put up the World Heavyweight Title on the line if he wants the match. Styles obliges and Bischoff makes the match.

◊ Commercials get interrupted with Beer Money Inc. searching for Eric Bischoff.

◊ Now we’re back. Borash enters Bischoff’s office. Bischoff was on the phone chatting with someone he says he hasn’t seen in a while. Borash has questions about Mick Foley. JB wants to know where Foley was. Bischoff gets mad at Borash for letting Foley into the arena and blames Foley’s demise on JB. Bischoff says he doesn’t know where Foley is at and doesn’t care. He tells JB that if he makes another mistake like he did last Monday, he will be terminated.

◊ James Storm and Robert Roode finally find Bischoff’s office. Apparently they don’t know each other. Roode and Storm don’t have a problem with Bischoff or Hogan but with Hall and Waltman. Storm says him and Roode are the best tag team today and don’t appreciate getting beatdown. Beer Money wants a match with Hall and Nash at the next pay-per-view. Bischoff wants to know what Storm was drinking and takes it. Easy E says he’ll get back to them on their match request. Roode and Storm seem unimpressed.

◊ Jay Lethal and his buddy Consequences Creed are out for the next bout. Bobby Lashley attacks both men before they can get into the ring. He destroys both men completely. He finishes his assault with a Dominator to Consequences Creed. Krystal Lashley gives an approving stare from afar. Krystal gets a mic and into the ring. She still wants a meeting with Hogan to discuss Lashley’s contract status. She says Lashley will destroy everyone on the TNA roster until they get their meeting. Team 3D comes out. Bubba Ray has an ax with him.

Match Three
Team 3D v. Lethal Consequences

Ref rings the bell and the two members of Team 3D deliver the 3D to Creed. D-Von covers for the victory.

WINNERS: Team 3D
Wasn’t really a match, so unfair to call it a dud. Did what it was supposed to do.

◊ Bubba Ray talks about their Japanese excursion. He’s mad because the only thing the Japanese press wanted to know was their opinions on The Nasty Boys’ actions from last week. Bubba calls The Nasty Boys irrelevant. He then calls them fat. Pot. Kettle. Black etc. Bubba Ray says they’re going back to take over their locker room. I guess that’s what the ax is for.

They make their way backstage. Tenay lets us know they’re going to get a camera in position for the brawl. Bubba Ray takes down the door with the ax and they enter. The Nasty Boys attack from behind. They beatdown Bubba Ray and D-Von with various items (all of which look like plastic). Saggs and Knobbs double team D-Von by throwing him into a locker. The Boys welcome Team 3D to Nastyville.

◊ Tomko talks on tape about AJ Styles. He’s upset because he was the leader of their tag team, the tag team he calls the greatest ever. And AJ forgot all about it. Shame.

◊ Some whacky music plays and Sean Morley walks down the ramp. Tenay says we have breaking news. Bischoff booked a match between Abyss and Bobby Lashley for the Genesis pay-per-view.

Morley finally gets to the ring and tells the ladies he’s here. Morley says he and TNA were made for each other. Morley says his days of using a stage name is over. Sean Morley is a brand new man and is going to be an artist behind the lens in TNA. He’s a director, producer and online distributor of films. TNA is poised to explode, according to Morley. They’re missing one thing. A film division! Morley says his TNA films will be works of art. Camera has been panning to various females in the crowd. He tries to tell us about his films but gets interrupted.

It’s Christopher Daniels. Both men seem happy to see each other, or at least according to Taz they do. Daniels wanted to be the first to welcome him to the new TNA. Daniels loves the TNA Films idea and wants to pitch a screenplay. Daniels goes through his idea for a film, which has a hero and a sleazebag. The film ends with the sleazebag in the gutter where he belongs. Daniels attacks Morley and ends his assault with the Best Moonsault Ever. Daniels grabs the mic, tells the fans to shut up and then tells Morley he doesn’t belong in his company. He tells Morley he offends him and kicks hm in the process. Daniels continues the assault until Morley fires back. He takes Daniels out with some clotheslines and elbows until Daniels falls out of the ring. Daniels walks away and we’ve got a feud.

◊ Video for the ODB-Tara feud. ODB calls Tara a diva and it offends Tara even though the Smackdown Diva division is probably more entertaining at the moment.

◊ Jeff Jarrett is in the Impact Zone! AND HE ISN’T ALONE. Some old guy in a trench coat and sunglasses is with him. Looked like a lawyer.

◊ Matt Morgan and Hernandez are seen warming up backstage. Tenay lets us know the team has a match with Beer Money Incorporated next.

◊ We return from the commercial break with the entrance of Hernandez and Matt Morgan. Beer Money Inc. make their arrival after and we get our match.

Match Four
Beer Money Inc. v. Hernandez and Matt Morgan

James Storm and Hernandez start off. They grapple. Hernandez shoves him to the ground and charges him in the corner. Storm moves and attacks Hernandez. Storm tries an attack but Hernandez puts him on the apron. Kick from Storm to Hernandez. Storm gets back in the ring and takes Hernandez out with a neckbreaker. Pinfall gets two. Storm tags in Roode and they double suplex Hernandez. Beer Money celebrate but Hernandez tags in Morgan. Morgan takes both out with a clothesline. Morgan attacks Bobby Roode in the corner and throws multiple elbows. Morgan charges at Roode with a clothesline and then takes him down with a sideline. Two count.

Morgan picks Roode up but Roode breaks out of his grasp. He throws an elbow and tags Storm in. The two throw Morgan into the ropes but he breaks a double clothesline attempt. Morgan goes against the ropes and Hernandez secretly tags himself in. Morgan tries a double chokeslam but Beer Money avoids it. Hernandez gets in and Roode throws several chops at him. Roode bounces off the ropes but Hernandez throws him down with a shoulderblock. Roode rolls out of the ring but that doesn’t stop Hernandez from launching himself out of the ring and into both members of Beer Money. Hernandez tries to follow up on that but Rob Terry comes out to cause the DQ.

WINNERS: Hernandez and Matt Morgan
It was decent before the disqualification. If the DQ didn’t make sense, this would be one hogan head, but it earns two.

◊ Morgan attacks Rob Terry for ending the match. He takes Terry into the tunnel and the camera focuses back on Storm and Roode.

THE BAND is out. Waltman goes inside the ring but Roode and Storm beat him up. Nash comes in and takes out Robert Roode. Scott Hall gets in the ring and the infamous numbers game takes over. The Band beats down both members of Beer Money despite the constant bell ringing. Security finally comes in to break the fight. Scott Hall and Waltman attack them while Nash just stands there looking cool. At least he’s still got it.

Some music plays and it’s Eric Bischoff. We’re going to find out what he has to say! But not before a commercial break.

◊ TNA returns with a recap of tonight’s interaction between Beer Money and THE BAND. During the commercial break, Bischoff told Beer Money they should be careful what they wish for.

Now we’re live (on tape) and Bischoff tells THE BAND he doesn’t know what to do with them. Hall asks for a raise. Bischoff wants to know when the attacks are going to end. Waltman says he thought that’s what Bischoff wanted. Bischoff says (sarcastically) no. Bischoff says he’s going to make a match. Scott Hall says “where I drink all of that guy’s beer.” Sadly, that wasn’t on the Bisch’s mind. It’s a match between Beer Money and The Outsiders at Genesis. Scene ends with THE BAND hugging and Sting watching from the rafters.

I don’t know if the character Scott Hall is playing is going to stay but it’s funny. I’m biased because I love the guy but I hope to see more of it.

◊ Tomko airs his grievances on the air. Tomko called AJ Styles during various milestones in Styles’ life but Styles never returned his calls. He’s going to make Styles pay.

◊ Taz and Tenay reviewed the tape during the commercial break. They point out Sting’s presence in the rafters.

◊ I can’t believe Desmond Wolfe’s theme song really starts off with a wolf. Regardless, he’s out for the next match. The Pope, D’Angelo Dinero, is out on commentary with Taz and Tenay. That guy has money written all over him. Samoa Joe is Wolfe’s opponent so this should be good.

Match Five
Samoa Joe v. Desmond Wolfe

Joe and Wolfe grapple. Joe takes Wolfe into the corner and beats him with several punches. Hebner tells him to break it and he does but not before throwing several kicks. Joe throws Wolfe into a corner and elbows him. He follows that up with a nice kick to the head. Joe shoves his boot in the face of Desmond Wolfe. Joe picks Wolfe up but Wolfe replies with an uppercut. Wolfe bounces off the ropes for an attack but Joe is there with a quick scoop slam. Pinfall gets two.

Joe sends Wolfe’s head into the turnbuckle and then throws a chop. He tries a rear naked choke but Wolfe sends him to the corner. Wolfe charges at Joe with an attack but Joe is there with an urinagi counter. Joe picks Wolfe up and is there with an headbutt. He throws a punch and then sends Wolfe to the other corner. Wolfe stops himself with his leg. Joe tries an attack but Wolfe sends him to the mat. DDT from Wolfe to Joe is followed up with Wolfe attacking Joe in the corner. Crowd stupidly chants THIS IS WRESTLING as Wolfe attacks Joe in the corner with a quick uppercut. Wolfe sends Joe into the corner and charges his way into a Joe elbow. Joe throws a quick strike and climbs the turnbuckle. Wolfe is there with a headbutt to the stomach. Wolfe throws a strike and then tries the Tower of London. Joe stops it and applies a chinlock. He tries a rear naked choke but Wolfe takes Joe out with the Tower of London. Pinfall gets the win for Wolfe.

WINNER: Desmond Wolfe
Sad to see Joe lose that quickly and that cleanly but I’m guessing that’s how far he’s fallen since I last watched TNA. Could be great given some more time but was fun.

◊ Desmond shouts some stuff at Pope and they both say they’re going to win at the next pay-per-view.

◊ A limo pulls up backstage and Ric Flair comes out of it. He’s out to the Impact Zone for color commentary!

◊ After a Genesis promo, Tomko waxes on his attacks on AJ Styles. Tomko says there will be no more attacks, no more masks, just a TNA Title Match.

◊ Jeff Jarrett walks into Hulk Hogan’s office and is angry. Jarrett is angry because the company is his. Jarrett says the young guys aren’t worth a damn and the talent in the company isn’t anything. He has always been TNA. Jarrett said Hogan was thisclose from crossing the line into defamation. Jarrett rants on until Eric Bischoff shuts him up. Bischoff says TNA would have gone out of business if it weren’t for Dixie Carter. Bischoff says the company is going to turn around with Hogan and Bischoff guiding the ship. If Jarrett wants to make a change, he can lace up his boots and wrestle. Jarrett no-sells Bischoff and addresses Hulk Hogan again. Hogan stands up and threatens Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett and his attorney back away and says they’ll be back.

Eric Bischoff says Jarrett needs an Attitude Adjustment. LET THE CENA TO TNA RUMORS BEGIN.

◊ Taz and Tenay discuss the first pay-per-view of the Hogan-Bischoff era. This fine site will provide you with all of the action if you happen to be by a computer and unable to watch the program. After they run down the PPV card, Tenay thanks the TNArmy for the record ratings.

◊ Ric Flair’s familiar music hits the sound system and Naitch is out to the ramp. He’s joining Tenay and Taz after the commercial break.

◊ We return for the program’s main event. Tomko is out first as Taz welcomes Flair to commentary. JB gives us the introduction for the big main event.

Match Six
AJ Styles © v. Tomko
TNA World Heavyweight Title Match

Styles doesn’t let Borash finishes and attacks Tomko. Styles corners Tomko but Tomko makes some room between the. Tomko tries to escape but AJ is there with some kicks that send Tomko outside. Styles gives chase and beats Tomko on the outside, including sending Tomko’s right arm into the steel steps. Tomko gets sent back inside and Styles gets inside with another kick. Styles works over the right arm with a boot. Kurt Angle walks to the stage. Styles gives his attention to Angle for a second but still attacks Tomko with a dropkick. Styles tries to mount some offense but Tomko sends him to the outside. We see Kurt Angle shaking hands with Ric Flair. They trade a hug too. Styles gets on the apron and Tomko is there with him. Tomko takes Styles down with a powerslam. Pinfall gets two.

Styles uses the ropes to get to his feet but Tomko meets him with a punch in the corner. Tomko throws a chop but AJ replies with several shots to the head. Styles bounces off the ropes for an attack but Tomko takes him out with a big boot. Pinfall and a two count that sends the show to a commercial break.

Commercials get interrupted with Tomko having a chinlock applied to AJ Styles on the mat.

Back to Impact with Tomko taking Styles down with a quick powerslam. Pinfall gets a two count. Tomko chokes Styles on the ground until the referee tells him to break the hold. Tomko chokes Styles with a boot which prompts the ref to break the hold again. Tomko (bleeding on the lip) nears Styles. Styles mounts some offense but Tomko delivers a knee. Tomko tries a powerslam but Styles slips out. He delivers a kick and then follows that up with the Pele kick. Pinfall gets the win for Styles

WINNER: AJ Styles
You really hate to see a World Title match given out to someone for doing what Tomko did but it is what it is. Weird ending but it was still a decent match.

◊ Tomko attacks Styles after the match. Kurt Angle runs in for the save and Tomko immediately rushes out of the ring. Angle gives Styles the World Title and the two stare each other down. Angle extends his hand for a shake but AJ no-sells it. Flair grins at this development as Angle stares in confusion. Styles walks to the back and the program ends.

Quick Results
» Generation Me def. The Motor City Machine Guns [Pinfall]
» Awesome Kong and Hamada def. The Beautiful People [Pinfall]
» Team 3D def. Lethal Consequences [Pinfall]
» Hernandez and Matt Morgan def. Beer Money Inc [Disqualification, British Invasion interference]
» Desmond Wolfe def. Samoa Joe [Pinfall]
» AJ Styles def. Tomko [Pinfall]

So that’s the show. I’ll be doing Smackdown tomorrow and then I’m off that show and exclusive to Impact. Adjust your Fantasy 411mania Writers league rosters accordingly.