411’s WWE Confidential Report 03.29.03

REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE AND HEAR IT HERE, SAVE ME FROM THIS WRECK I’M ABOUT TO DROWN IN
It wasn’t for a full Los Guerreros skit, I’d probably be face-first inside my TV. Well, the skit and the screen protector. Welcome to my nightmare.

SEGMENT #1: JIMMY HART, PART ONE
It looks like Hogan’s contract stipulated a two-part Cover Story for his good buddy Jimmy Hart. A few clips of his WWF career to set the stage, then it’s time for a history lesson. Jimmy was born in Jackson, Mississippi before being raised in Memphis, TN. As a kid, he wanted to grow up to be a Greyhound bus driver. And on a night with no Greyhound commercials! When he was a “young ‘un”, Jimmy was taken to wrestling shows by his uncle. Normally this would lead into a lifetime of wrestling professionally, but Jimmy went a different route: recording stardom. Jimmy and his friends formed a group called “The Gentrys” and scored a hit with “Keep On Dancing”. After a few years touring in support, Jimmy got a call from Memphis wrestler Jerry Lawler. Jerry was recording a song and wanted Jimmy to sing back up. One thing led to another, and soon Jimmy was announcing matches in Memphis, eventually becoming a manager. Five years of managing heels later, Jimmy was offered a managing gig from Vince McMahon of up-and-coming WWF. The rest… is in Part Two. Tease!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Wrestlemania 19 is live on PPV, like it or not.
-Stacy Keibler half-nakedly asks the following trivia question as part of her Slammin’ Saturday Night hosting duties: “Who’s a perfect 10… and 0 at Wrestlemania?” Answer to come. Hee hee.
-Chuck Palumbo endorses the Italian Chicken Sandwich at Burger King. Big Show further endorses it be eating every damn thing he can fit in his mouth.
-The Game Boy Advance SP lights up like a Christmas tree, all year round. Sinners!
-1-800-CALL-ATT abuses the criminal justice system to save you money on phone calls. Good cop or bad cop?
-Vehix.com is on the internet, but isn’t porno. The ONLY thing on the internet that isn’t porno.
-Empire Window Treatments changes the classic “588-2300-EMPIRE” song. Now I’m ashamed to live in Illinois.

SPONSORS:
Dragonball Z Ultimate Battle 22 thought it was sponsoring Slam Ball, A Man Apart thought it was sponsoring Robot Wars, and Stacker 2 just sends the checks, they don’t care.

SEGMENT #2: TORRIE WILSON IN PLAYBOY
Why in God’s name am I describing a segment focusing on Torrie appearing in Playboy? Here’s your recap: She’s going to be naked and she likes it. She’s going to be naked and I like it. Succinct.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-The Miller Lite Catfight Girls squabble over which one will be going to Wrestlemania. Hell, you can come watch it with me and my friends. George is married and the other guys are gay, so it’s just you and me. Uh, and Jimmy Hayes’ wife. Don’t worry, she’s cool…
-Stacy Keibler hosts Slammin’ Saturday Night and doesn’t mention Test once. What’s her job again?
-Nike Basketball breaks backboards. And hearts.
-Bulletproof Monk is the shocking true story of Chow Yun Fat and Seann William Scott looking for their car while eluding the Yakuza. Seann keeps making these weird little paper cranes…
-Smackdown: Shut Your Mouth Of The South, starring Jimmy Hart.
-1-800-COLLECT proves that Jamie Pressly is dead! No!
-Rayman 3 makes fun of quadriplegics and white skiers.
-The same crap that powers your Honda car powers your other Honda stuff. Science!
-Fabolous can’t appear at Wrestlemania but he has time to promote Foot Locker?
-You’re a glutton for punishment, right? Then pick up the Wrestlemania 19 Raw Magazine special!

20 YEARS IN THE MAKING:
-Arnold Schwarzenegger praises Vince, but thinks Hogan will win the match. No Terminator jokes, thanks.

SEGMENT #3: HULK HOGAN AT WRESTLEMANIA
Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels, Gerald Brisco and Matt Hardy stroke Hogan’s ego, talking up his Wrestlemania legacy. Flair says that Hogan is “synonymous” with Wrestlemania, and HBK agrees. Flair further minimizes his own legacy by calling Hogan “a flagship guy.” Then Flair gets his homemade sign that he’ll have out during the Hogan/Vince match that says “VINCE FEARS HULKAMANIA”. Woo!

WRESTLEMANIA RETRO:
-Why should anyone care about the pink Cadillac that Rhythm and Blues rode to the ring for Wrestlemania 7? It was DDP’s car! And he drove it to the ring for them! Now go impress your friends.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Stacy Keibler is upbeat about Slammin’ Saturday Night, probably because she doesn’t have to watch it.
-Rayman 3 is a game about chopping off your arms and legs. At least, that’s what I gleaned from the commercials. That’s also what my lawyer has advised me to say.
-Foot Locker. Why do so many inactive people buy expensive athletic shoes?
-Tenchu: Wrath of Shiftless College Students.
-Heartfelt murals will no doubt end cigarette use overnight, Truth.
-Basic. Good if you leave before the “Day of The Dead” street party part of the movie. You’ve been warned.
-Rayman 3. Seriously? Again?
-A Man Apart co-stars the poor man’s Taye Diggs, Larenz Tate.

WRESTLEMANIA MOMENT:
-1987, Alice Cooper drapes a big snake on Jimmy Hart. That sounds exceedingly gay. Sorry.

SEGMENT #4: JIMMY HART, PART TWO
Jimmy claims to be one of the first WWF managers to hang around the ring during the match, instead of immediately walking to the back. I can’t confirm or deny this as I was not watching wrestling then. If you doubt him, send in proof. Anyway, Jimmy loved being there for “his man”, and he loved antagonizing the crowds. Vince McMahon gave him the megaphone, and he used it to rile up the crowds to great effect. The megaphone was only part of the Jimmy Hart character. The jackets, of course, were the other part. Understated as always, Jimmy describes his look as “very visual”. He then rattles off a list of the clients who benefited from his “very visual”, antagonistic style. And they went fast so I missed a bunch of names. You know, Honky Tonk Man, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, Brutus Beefcake, etc. Despite that huge list of guys, Jimmy never missed a house show. He loved performing, and he’d love to give it another run. Hey, he’d be perfect to manage John Cena!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-WWE Live is just like WWE on TV, except without the big names, announcers or comfortable seats. And you have to pay more. Fun!
-Stacy is probably laughing at me for watching Slammin’ Saturday Night. They’re always laughing…
-Dynasty Warriors 4 has all the samurai action a red-blooded American could want.
-A Man Apart has, despite the title, a few different men.
-Tao Feng is Asian for “another crappy Xbox fighter”. Yes, I know “Asian” isn’t a language. That’s part of the alleged joke. Don’t sue!
-1-800-COLLECT gets you something for less than it would ordinarily be, but I wasn’t paying attention.
-Rayman 3 is three times the fun of Rayman, but a sixth the fun of Rayman 18.
-Sharon Stone (maybe?) lusts after a corporate icon. AOL, though? It’s just going to mooch off you, Sharon.
The GMC Envoy and Envoy XL are what’s wrong with America. What happened to powerful vehicle names? Envoy?
-Snickers Cruncher buries it’s face in it’s hands and softly weeps for the money it pissed away sponsoring Wrestlemania 19. Honestly, I used to LOVE wrestling.

WRESTLEMANIA RETRO:
-Canadian Trish Stratus enjoyed performing in front of Canadians at the Canadian Wrestlemania. She’s a spy!

SEGMENT #5: WHERE WAS THE STRANGEST PLACE YOU EVER “YOU KNOW…”?
Mean Gene says this question, posed to WWE Superstars, is in honor of Torrie appearing in Playboy, but I think he’s a perv. Hurricane, Hardcore Holly and Big from Tough Enough refused to answer, but the following Superstars opened up:
Al Snow: On a rug… at Sears! Haw haw!
Jeff Hardy: A tree.
Maven: In the middle of the ocean, in the middle of the day.
D-Von: In a train station.
Chris Nowinski: A Harvard library.
Nowinski also had a funny comment when the segment started. There’s a quick clip of him saying “The strangest place I ever had sex? I don’t know, I’ve had a lot of sex…” Funny stuff.

SEGMENT #6: LOS GUERREROS GO GOLFING
Not technically a segment, too long to be a commercial. It’s another “Cheat To Win” skit as Eddie and Chavo play a round of golf with another group of stereotypical white racists. Where do they find these guys? Oh, right. America. Anyhoo, E+C make up scores to win a bet against Los Crackers, taking all their money and possessions. Funny part is Eddie hitting a golf ball into something offscreen and screaming “Quattro!”

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Stacy Keibler concludes her hosting duties by supplying the answer to her “Who’s 10-0 at WM” question. The answer? Strangely, Jim Ross. No, wait, it’s Undertaker.
-Primal for PS2 is either a fighting game, an action/adventure game, or the complete fall of society. Please don’t be the third.
-Nike Basketball Can’t Jump.
-Big Show goes to the rodeo for Stacker 2. And he ate all the animals. Because he’s fat. A big fat guy. Always eating. The end.
-Game Boy Advance SP uses Halo Brand batteries. Halo: Your World, Only Better.
-Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance punches people in the face for your amusement, sicko.
-Rayman 3 is the “Rygar” of 2003. How many times in an hour do you need to promote one game?
-Watch the Raw after Wrestlemania for some “Backlash”. Those clever monkeys in production!

WRESTLEMANIA RETRO:
-Steve Austin and Bret Hart tore the roof off at Wrestlemania 13 and I was there. In your face!

SEGMENT #7: UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA
Brisco gets this fluff piece off to an inauspicious start by calling ‘Taker’s legacy at Wrestlemania the “lurking” in the background type, rather than the immediate stardom of Austin, Rock and Hogan. Thanks, Ger. Flair, Snuka, Matt Hardy, Pritchard and Y2J talk up ‘Taker’s tremendous 10-0 Wrestlemania record, but ‘Taker makes this whole segment worthless with false modesty as he downplays the importance of being unbeaten. He claims that the most important thing is “entertaining”, which explains why he’s working a match with Nathan Jones, A-Train and Big Show. Nothing says “entertaining” like those guys.

NEXT WEEK ON CONFIDENTIAL
-Dur! It’s the Confidential after a pay-per-view, what do you think the topic is going to be? Tune in/log on for a behind-the-scenes look at Wrestlemania.

ACCUSE ME WHEN YOU’RE DONE – IF IT SOUNDS LIKE I DID YOU WRONG
A couple comments about last week’s report, neither about the build for Wrestlemania. Good for you.

Dal, if I had an A-Game I wouldn’t have to bring anything. All would come to me. So I’ll see you on the 30th for some breaking and entering at Parker’s uncle’s place.
When HHH said it all comes down to the wrestlers, did he mean the ones he buries in order to maintain his spot in the company, or the ones who put him over so that he’d be in a position to bury ones in order to keep his
position in the company? I can only imagine that Mr. Merlo will sound off about this later in the week.
And finally, why would I want driving shoes when I aspire to riding slippers?
-Parker Brower’s Uncle’s Brother
On the topic of HHH: The usual cogent analysis I expect from George Brower… except it was HBK who said that Wrestlemania “comes down to the wrestlers”, not HHH. So try again.

You raised a very important point in your WWE Confidential Report this week. ‘What would you call multiple Foot Locker stores? Foot Lockers? Feet Locker?’ I think issues like theses are essential to civilisation and need to be asked more often, too often are people afraid to ask these questions. Congratulations on asking it.
I feel the correct term for multiple Foot Locker stores would be Feet Locker. However I understand many people may disagree simply because it contains too many e’s. These people will argue that while this is not against any Laws or Regulations it is quite simply wrong. This view must be respected and so I urge you to refer to mulitple Foot Locker stores as Foot Lockers, just to aplease the minority and appear politically correct.
-Matt
All good points. However, in retrospect, “FootLocker” is all one word. So it would seem the plural is, unfortunately, FootLockers. Soon bombs will drop.

SOME RED HANDED SLEIGHT OF HAND
-“Basic” was a decent action/mystery film, until the horrible surprise ending. It’s the bad kind of surprise ending, where instead of making the film more entertaining and nuanced (i.e. The Sixth Sense), it completely negates everything that was good about the movie (i.e. every other horror movie). So, thanks to the bad ending, I’m not sure I can recommend it.
-Futurama Season One is out on DVD! Go pick it up, fleshbag!
-This week’s comic picks are Avengers, Exiles, Fantastic Four, JLA, Legion, Wildcats 3.0 and Zatanna: Everyday Magic.

SONGS THAT RECOGNIZE OUR SICK OBSESSIONS
CDs played at work:
-Frank Black and the Catholics, Pistolero
-Dance Hall Crashers, Lockjaw
-The Wedding Present, Singles 1995-1997
Section naming/HIGHLY RECOMMENDED CD played in the car:
-Cursive, The Ugly Organ

THE WORST IS OVER
Thanks for reading and “enjoy” Wrestlemania. Take care.