411’s WWE Confidential Report 04.05.03

REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE AND HEAR IT HERE, COMFORTABLE LIFE AIN’T ALL IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE
Massive changes! All for you! Well, actually, they’re all for me. Y’know the expression “familiarity breeds contempt”? This Confidential recap was looking pretty damn contemptible to me. So, after hearing how Velocity recapper Patrick Brower was going to streamline his Velocity recap, I decided to do some spring cleaning here. ‘Course it’s about 20 degrees in suburban Illinois, but whatever. The mailbag (if you sent a letter about last week’s recap, I’ll write you back in a few days), CD recommendations and useless crap about my private life is gone, all gone. I got tired of writing it and I’m not certain anyone else ever cared to read it. All that’s left is the stuff on Confidential. Commercials are sticking around, but in a slightly altered form. Check the end of the column for more details. Now, on to the first decent Confidential in a while…

SEGMENT #1: ROWDY RODDY PIPER
Piper’s back, but the 18 of you who ordered Wrestlemania and/or watched Smackdown knew that. On the occasion of his return, we get this retrospective of his career. Really though, it’s just up through Wrestlemania I. As I was saying, Piper has been wrestling for 33 years. He’s been gorging himself for 3 years. What size was that t-shirt as WM19? Piper began wrestling at age 15, against Larry “the Ax” Hennig at the Winnipeg Arena. Piper got beat in 10 seconds, but the owner liked him enough to give him steady work. After that, Piper was so dedicated to learning about pro wrestling that he says he nearly “soaked in professional wrestling”. His first brush with fame occurred when he reluctantly played the National Anthem (America’s, I’m guessing) on the bagpipes at a live event. Eventually, Piper got a job working for Vince McMahon. How, we’re never told. Piper does admit that he had a bad attitude when he was in the “WWE” back then. And what’s an acronym for “bad attitude”? B.A., as in B.A. Barracus, a character portrayed by Mr.T. Mr., Piper tells us, really hated him. Piper says he hated him back. Their feud would lead up to Wrestlemania I, and to the question “Who really drew Wrestlemania?” Piper claims his “heel heat” (copyright Internet Wrestling Geeks Of America) was what made people pay money to see Wrestlemania. Would you like a good, incriminating soundbite to prove it? “I started Wrestlemania,” declares Rowdy Roddy Piper. But at least all that egotism is behind him.

SEGMENT #2: STEVE AUSTIN’S SPORTSCENTER COMMERCIAL
Steve Austin’s bad neck surely couldn’t be made worse by ESPN anchor Dan Patrick hitting him on the upper back with a chair “some 50 times”, right? It’s all in a day’s work for Austin on the set of a new SportsCenter commercial. Austin compares Dan Patrick’s swing of a REAL metal folding chair as akin to Molly Holly swinging a chair. Despite getting walloped for ESPN, Austin sadly informs us that there will not be WWE highlights on SportsCenter. Hold on. Chair shots? Roll tape!
–Dan Patrick enters the ESPN break room to get some coffee. It’s late at night. Steve Austin is seated at a table, books open in front of him. Dan asks him what he’s doing. Austin says he’s studying, but he’s kind of tired. Dan realizes what’s needed, and proceeds to hit Austin in the back with a metal folding chair. Austin doesn’t budge. He looks over his shoulder at Dan and asks for another. Dan obliges him, striking Austin again in the back. Austin stretches briefly, smiles and thanks Dan. Austin seems more alert and goes back to reading. Dan puts down the chair, wishes Austin luck and exits the break room.—
Another hilarious SportsCenter commercial is in the can. Thanks, Dan Patrick! And thank you, washed up, bald-headed wrestler with a goatee! It’s too bad your scenes were cut, Mr. Goldberg.

SEGMENT #3: FRED DURST AT WRESTLEMANIA 19
Remember when, briefly after September 11th, Fred Durst announced that he’d never be able to play loud rock music again? How’s that going, Fred? Fred takes time out of his busy schedule of implying he had sex with Britney Spears to talk about how excited he was to debut his new single “Crack Addict” at Wrestlemania. He makes vague declarations about the song’s meaning, seemingly stating that it’s an indictment of similar sounding bands. Uh, alright. And there are enough Wrestlemania 19 clips to give Brock Lesnar a concussion. Ahh! Stop showing that Shooting Star Press! It’s like a car wreck!

SEGMENT #4: HARDYZ BOOK
Teenage girls and homosexual teenage boys alike were tearing up at Matt and Jeff’s signing at Bookends in New Jersey. It seems the Boyz have written a biography, one decent enough to land at #7 on the New York Times Bestseller List. Internet wrestling personality and alleged heterosexual Patrick Brower raves “I’m not finished reading it yet.” Good enough for me. Still, the turnout was good for the signing and the Boyz were happy to meet their fans, crying or not. But Jeff never took his hat off. Man, that’s just rude.

SEGMENT #5: PIPER’S PIT
Not content to be Cowboy Bob Orton’s tag team partner, Rowdy Roddy Piper also needed to achieve solo success. What better way to do that than hosting his own wrestling talk show? Okay, winning the WWF Title. But c’mon, look at him. He’s got a shape that screams “IC Champ”. So it’s a talk show host for Piper. For four years he ridiculed (Frank Williams), mocked (Andre The Giant) and bludgeoned (Jimmy Snuka) his way through the WWF. He also got off a few clever catch phrases, like “Just when they think they’ve got the answers, I change the questions.” Most of Piper’s Pit was adlibbed, with Piper only coming up with the beginning and end of a segment. He better start planning out his raps for when John Cena makes an appearance…

SEGMENT #6: COAL MINER AT SMACKDOWN
A while back, 9 coal miners were trapped underground for 77 Ѕ hours in Pennsylvania. Luckily, all 9 were rescued with only light injuries. The WWE connection? One of the trapped miners, Blaine Mayhugh, is a WWE fan. Hasn’t he been through enough? Obviously not, as Confidential cameras record the Mayhugh family backstage at a recent Smackdown. They don’t say which, but Kurt Angle has a black eye. So it was that one. The Mayhughs got to meet such Smackdown Superstars as Kurt Angle, Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker. They also met such Velocity Superstars as Bill DeMott and Funaki. The one guy they didn’t get to meet was Blaine’s favorite WWE personality (no, not Gerald Brisco, he was there), The Rock. Blaine was wearing a Rock t-shirt under his uniform the day he was trapped, and he says that if they make a movie out of his struggle, he’d like the Rock to play him. Stranger things have happened.

SEGMENT #7: AXXESS TOUR WITH TRISH
Let me get this out of the way: Trish, sweetie, you can do better than Jeff Hardy. I mean, honestly. Alright, back to the show. Trish shows us the sights of WWE’s Fan Axxess, and she looks hot doing it. First stop is THQ’s Superstar Challenge, where a WWE Superstar like Trish competes against a WWE Fan (let’s call him “Fatty”) in Smackdown: Shut Your Mouth for the PS2. Trish is a hot girl who has a life, so she doesn’t even know how to play the game. Fatty is, well, a fatty, so he completely schools her. Real chivalrous, Fatty. Trish is a gracious, hot loser, jokingly saying that she let Fatty win. She celebrates her loss by going to the WWE ShopZone booth. It turns out that when Trish asks them what the best selling items are, the videotaped employees pick Trish products. The new Divas magazine and a Trish bobblehead, specifically. Trish takes her probably paid for copy of the Divas magazine and gets it signed by Booker T. Seriously. Book says he’s having a great time signing for the fans, but I see a little sadness in those eyes. I still think he should’ve won. Trish, embiggened by the fact that she’s not losing the next day, strides confidently over to the Photo Zone, where WWE Fans are getting their picture taken with comic book fan The Hurricane. Trish is coached on how to pose like The Hurricane, but he forgets to say “hurra-pose”. Dude, it’s your gimmick! Last stop on this fun-filled walking tour is Fantasy Play-By-Play. Trish is Marc Loyd to WWE Fan Matt’s Michael Cole as the two of them call the action of a TLC match. Overall, Ernest Miller doesn’t need to worry about anyone taking his job. Oh! Before I forget! Trish is hot.

NEXT WEEK ON CONFIDENTIAL
The Internet wept with joy when Sable returned to Smackdown. Confidential talks to Rena Mero next week. I’m sure the phrase “human feces” won’t be making an appearance.

COMMERCIALS
Why the hell would someone recap commercials? Well, I’m trying to recap not just the show, but the experience of watching Confidential. If you watch it live, the commercials are a huge, soul-crushing part of the show. So I wanted to include that for the people who read the recaps. Plus, it was an opportunity to rip on all parts of American pop/junk culture, and an outlet for short non-sequiters. That’s starting to be a little time-consuming, so until I feel like making jokes about every single commercial again, this is what you’ll get. It’s sort of an all-encompassing look at the ridiculous amount of ads the WWE airs in one hour. Enjoy.

COMMERCIALS IN THE ORDER THEY AIRED
Sunday Night Heat
Tenchu: Wrath of Heaven
Gatorade
Milky Way
Nintendo Gamecube
Local: Debt Relief
Local: Value City Furniture
Monday Night Raw
WWE Backlash
Snickers
Honda Aquatrax
Malibu’s Most Wanted
Restore
Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance
Identity
Tenchu: Wrath of Heaven
WWE Live
Foot Locker
Gatorade
Truth
Dynasty Warriors 4
Snickers
1-800-CALL-ATT
Anger Management
Best of Confidential DVD
Burger King
House of 1000 Corpses
Tobacco is whacko, if you’re a teen
A Man Apart
Local: Vehix.com
ATA
WWE Backlash
Monday Night Raw
Nike
Stacker 2
Gatorade
Milky Way
Game Boy Advance SP
Anger Management
Prestone Car Wax
Sunday Night Heat

ADS FOR MOVIES
A Man Apart
Anger Management
House of 1000 Corpses
Identity
Malibu’s Most Wanted

ADS FOR GAMES
Dynasty Warriors 4
Game Boy Advance SP
Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance
Nintendo Gamecube
Tenchu: Wrath of Heaven

ADS FOR ATHLETES
Foot Locker
Gatorade
Honda Aquatrax
Nike
Stacker 2

ADS FOR JUNK FOOD
Burger King
Milky Way
Snickers

ADS FOR CARS
Prestone Car Wax
Restore
Vehix.com

ADS FOR WWE
Best of Confidential DVD
Monday Night Raw
Sunday Night Heat
WWE Backlash
WWE Live

ADS THAT AIRED MORE THAN ONCE
Anger Management, 2 times
Gatorade, 3 times
Milky Way, 2 times
Monday Night Raw, 2 times
Snickers, 2 times
Sunday Night Heat, 2 times
Tenchu: Wrath of Heaven, 2 times
WWE Backlash, 2 times