411’s WWE Confidential Report 04.19.03

REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE AND HEAR IT HERE, WHEN I’M HOLLOWED OUT FILL ME AS EVER UP WITH DOUBT
Why wasn’t WWE more forthcoming about the contents of this episode last week? ‘Cause it’s a rerun, from right before SummerSlam ’02. But, as I never recapped it, it’s all new…ish. Speaking of reruns, this week’s heading is still from Portastatic’s “The Summer Of The Shark”. Please buy a copy. I’m a little tired right now. I stayed out late seeing “A Mighty Wind” and “Bulletproof Monk” when I should have been hating Confidential. Let’s get moving, okay?

SEGMENT #1: GLOBAL WARNING TOUR
Why should we send our WWE Superstars to Australia? What have done to deserve it? They’ve plagued us with Yahoo Serious, Crocodile Dundee and Nathan Jones. Oh, but wait. They’ve also given us Claudia Black and Kylie Minogue. All is forgiven! Enjoy the wrestling. Melbourne was the sight of the big event for the WWE back in 2002, where Raw and Smackdown alike helped set an attendance record at the Colonial Stadium for cramming 56,734 people into one building and making them watch Rico wrestle Rikishi. Ha ha! That’s for Vegemite! It wasn’t all pain and suffering, though. Before the show, several Superstars toured the city and egotistically brought cameras with them. The first group to be shown is Kurt Angle, Lance Storm and Christian learning to throw boomerangs in Albert Park. Albert, thankfully, is nowhere to be seen. Angle ribs the two Canucks by pointing out that 50 Australian dollars (pounds? Which is it?) is only $1 American, but $100 Canadian. Well, it’s that or making fun of hockey. We Americans are getting pretty lazy with our stereotyping. Lance and Christian refrain from crying or pummeling Kurt, thanks to the frolicking animals at the Melbourne Zoo. Kurt liked the koalas. Ooh, good alliteration. From Kurt Angle we segway to the, no joke, Anglesea Beach to get a surfing lesson with Nidia and Jamie Noble. The accompanying falling lessons are free. Edge, Torrie Wilson and Billy Kidman butt in with a trip to Queen Victoria Market, signing autographs and eating lunch. How exotic. Can’t get that in the States. Now that they’re done, Noble and Nidia continue their tour with a stop at Port Campbell National Park. It’s full of the amazing ocean views and dazzling sunsets that look boring and average on a TV screen. Where are you, HDTV? F’in Comcast. The last obstacle to the rasslin show is something called the Challenge Charity Dinner. It’s a charity, I guess. Y’know, for kids. After the hand shaking, picture-taking and meal-eating nonsense is through, only the wrestling stuff is left. And wrestling stuff they were! I’m not sure what that means. I’m so sleepy.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Sunday Night Heat examines the ramifications of “Nash’s Dilemma”. God damn him. God damn him to hell. This is the whole reason I never watched Nitro. This stupid guy.
-Castrol GTX claims to be the perfect glaze for an Easter ham, but you’ll never know until you try.
-Stacker 2 is a fat burner, as opposed to “Phat/Burner”, the abandoned concept for the John Cena/Kane tag-team.
-Darkness Falls on DVD. I saw a preview for Jeepers Creepers 2 tonight. That thing gets a sequel?
-Milky Way candy bars are like those chocolate dieting bars, but in reverse. Eat six for dinner!
-Local: Comcast. Make with the HD, dingus!
-Local: Outdoor Life Network. Sounds like a cult.
-TNN wants me to watch something called Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. With a vague, inarticulate pitch like that, how could I possibly say NO! NO CHANCE! MY TIME IS TOO VALUABLE TO WASTE WATCHING ANOTHER HORRIBLE SHOW ABOUT PEOPLE ABUSING EACH OTHER WHILE SOME NO-TALENT HACK OF A HOST LAUGHS LIKE THE INHUMAN THUG HE IS!

WWE REWIND:
-Jim Ross extols the virtues of the Heartbreak Kid before a title defense at Wrestlemania 14. He’s no Coach, though.

SEGMENT #2: BEFORE THEY WERE SUPERSTARS: MICHAEL SHAWN HICKENBOTTOM
Or, Shawn Michaels. Born elsewhere but raised on Randolph Air Force Base in Texas, Shawn was the perfect son to Carol and Richard Hickenbottom. It’s too bad Carol wanted a girl. Has she seen those little dances Shawn does on TV? She might have gotten a girl after all. Shawn was the youngest of four, had a great home life, did well in school, and loved wrestling. His childhood friend Kenny Kent practically has his hand down Shawn’s pants as he talks about what a great guy Shawn was. Kenny and Shawn used to practice wrestling moves all the time, and it looks like Kenny might have gotten the wrong idea. After graduating high school, Shawn’s dad insisted that he go to college. Shawn acquiesced, but didn’t apply himself at Southwest Texas State University. Shawn’s dad bluntly calls it “somewhat of a disaster”. Thanks to doing horribly in school, the Hickenbottoms decided to send Shawn to wrestling school. Let that be a lesson, kids. Flunk out of college and you too can hold on to the spotlight when you’re past your prime.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Tao Feng: Fist of the Lotus for Xbox. Man, those Lotus’ hit like a truck.
-Honda Motorcycles have all the safety of a car with no doors, roof or seatbelts, and at only half the price!
-Gatorade refreshes your body in the way only something name brand can do. Puny water.
-Daddy Day Careaaah! Aaah! Get it off! Get it off!
-Foot Locker maintains dominance in the foot-related industry. Sister store Hand Locker continues to languish in obscurity.
-Yamaha Bikes and ATVs make revving noises, so buy two.
-WWE Live brings you huge stars like Goldber…no. Aust…no. The R…no. Hurricane?

SEGMENT #3: ROCK’S TRAINING
Stop training so hard, Rock! You’re gonna lose to Brock Lesnar at SummerSlam. And get booed. Save yourself the intense workout of running the ropes, jumping hurdles, running a shuttle drill, running up stairs, doing box jumps, lifting weights, and doing hand pull-ups with towels. You’re going to lose!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Milky Way is running a new contest called “Get The Side of Your House Cut Off So You Can be Lifted Out Of Your House By A Crane, You 700 Lb. Monstrosity”. Only 200 wrappers to enter!
-The Real Cancun purports to be a “social experiment”. Yeah, just like those Girls Gone Wild videos are a behavioral sciences doctoral thesis. You’re getting people drunk so they can make asses out of themselves on camera! Call a spade a spade, for Christ’s sake.
-Game Boy Advance SP is backlit, so you can play in the dark. How much is a desk lamp again?
-1-800-CALL-ATT juxtaposes a cute girl and the annoyance of dialing 11 extra digits to make a phone call. That’s art, friends.
-Castrol GTX is a new energy drink. You can tell because it tastes horrible. Power up!
-Honda Bikes are the powered kind. Like a moped, but bigger. And more of a phallic thing.
-Sour Starburst finally lets love bloom in the hearts of teenagers as it retires the old ad. This new ad shows how consuming their candy will make babies cry. Sold.
-Restore with CSL. They say it like it means something. That’s pretty rude, don’t you think?

SEGMENT #4: JUST ANOTHER ANNOUNCER
Once upon a time, Tazz was the personification of the next wave of wrestlers. Smaller guys who were “hardcore”. Now he wears a suit and promotes UPN sitcoms. How the hell did it come to this? A while back, Tazz was feuding with then-Smackdown announcer Jerry Lawler. Three days previous, Tazz jumped Jerry and put him out of commission. At Smackdown in Louisville, Tazz added insult to injury by taking Jerry’s place at the announce table. To everyone’s surprise, Tazz did very well. So well that, when MTV launched Sunday Night Heat a few weeks later, Tazz was picked as color commentator. Tazz enjoys the challenge of announcing and hopes he can help the next generation of wrestlers and contribute to the company. But only until Sandman shows up. Then it’s ON!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Tobacco is Whacko if you’re a teen. Not a teen? Let me get you a light for that.
-Snickers sounds fun, thanks to the name. You know what else is fun? Being morbidly obese and having a massive coronary. But I do love caramel…
-Dynasty Warriors 4 is not, as previously reported, about samurais. Thanks to the person who corrected me. I have been informed it is actually about dancing until space aliens explode. Whoops, that’s Space Channel 5. I have no idea what this game is about.
-Identity. I’d rather not reiterate my concerns with this movie. I’d like instead to mention that Jaime King is amazing to look at. Not much of an actress, but stunning in the looks department. Mmm, absolutely adorable.
-Local: AAMCO stands for Automated Airplane Monkey Cooking Operations. Top of my head, first shot. Not sure what it means.
-GMC’s various mobiles are less than they were before. Or maybe it’s more. How should I know? My car has less than 3000 miles on it, I don’t pay much attention to car commercials any longer.

SPONSORS:
-Sour Starburst can’t way for X-2, WWE Smackdown: Shut Your Mouth is drooling in anticipation of Matrix Reloaded and Stacker 2 may have to see Down With Love by itself.

SEGMENT #5: WHILE THEY WERE BECOMING SUPERSTARS: SHAWN MICHAELS
Shawn enrolled with Jose L(something. Lothario?) to learn how to wrestle. After he graduated, he was shipped off to Kansas City, where he met Marty Jannetty. Marty split for AWA, and eventually Shawn joined him there. One day Pat Patterson called and offered them a job in the WWE. They went out to a bar after a show and were harassed by a drunk. Said drunk was wrestling against them the next day. The match went okay, but the drunk was lying to everyone backstage, telling people that Shawn and Marty got drunk and destroyed the bar. Vince told them that he believed they were innocent. A week later he brought them to Titan Towers and fired them. No wonder Hogan has such glowing things to say about Vince. The firing wasn’t because of the bar story, though. Vince thought they could use a couple more years in the minors. So off they went, back to AWA. A few years later they got another shot in the WWE, where Shawn has been ever since. Oh, and he mentioned Jesus. Everyone do a shot!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Last week I watched Secretary on DVD to avoid watching the travesty that was RAW. This week on RAW, Booker loses to HHH. Oh, and the Rock Concert 2. Thank God for Kiki’s Delivery Service on DVD.
-Identity. See, she used to be called “James King”. Now it’s Jaime, but she’s just as hot.
-Castrol GTX is the only motor oil that also cleans and exfoliates your skin.
-Gatorade is not made from real gators. All gators used in the production of Gatorade are grown in a lab with no brain stem. So stop picketing!
-Game Boy Advance SP. Where are Game Man, Game Woman and Game Girl?
-Sour Starburst is not worth getting hit in the head for, despite the dramatization of this ad.
-Taco Bell Cheesy Gordita Dropped On The Floor Three Second Rule Crunch is good eatin’.
-Foot Locker employees must be Raw brand, if they wear those shirts.
-The AXE House Party was on and you missed it. “Missed it” in the sense that you didn’t watch it. Nobody missed it.
-Castrol GTX Baby Aspirin proudly presents WWE Backlash. The modern rock sludge of a theme song is formulaically written and performed by Cold. It’s called “Remedy”. Please tear my ears off.

SEGMENT #6: RICO DOWN UNDER
Ugh. “Down under”. I’m so sorry. Rico meets and greets the fans of Melbourne before the Global Warning show starts. Cultural differences are celebrated, rather than exploited and vilified cough*evilsnootyfrenchtagteam*cough like usual. A native or two explain Australian phrases like “g’day” and “grouse”. “G’day”, of course, means “how are you?”, while “grouse” is a Sydney term that means “it rocks”. Then the lingo stopped making sense. Seven syllable words that I’d never heard before, that sort of thing.

NEXT WEEK ON CONFIDENTIAL
Goldberg! Goldberg! Goldberg! Godlberg! Godlbrge! Dlgogreb! Ggroldeb! And so forth.