411’s WWE Confidential Report 07.05.03

REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE AND HEAR IT HERE, EVERY PLACE IS THE SAME, EVERY DAY IS THE SAME
Hey, I was right. This week’s episode is a rerun. Hooray. I’m still going to recap it. Double hooray. Heading from “Violent” off Danse Macabre by The Faint. Let’s do the Confidential…

SEGMENT #1: BIG GOLD BELT
“Big Gold Belt” probably copyright Someone Else On 411Mania, 2003. This segment (and everything else on this week’s show) was done sometime last September, when Bischoff first awarded HHH the World Heavyweight title on Raw. To commemorate that historic handing-over of a belt, WWE puts together a little history of the WCW title. Eric Bischoff, Ric Flair, Big Show, DDP and Booker T toss out a few comments, but mostly this is about stuff from before their time. Okay, not Flair. And I’m not entirely certain DDP or Show have ever had a time. Still, the NWA connection is covered, along with Flair reminding us all that he had to put a $25,000 deposit down when he was entrusted with the title. How many limo rides is that? All the wrestlers interviewed talk about the honor of holding the title, and how much is riding on their success. DDP compares it to “winning the Oscar” and Show points out that being champ makes you “the man for the hour.” Hmm. No food analogy from the Big Show. That’s a little surprising. Flair sums it up best, as always, by saying, “It is the most prestigious thing that anyone can possibly have in wrestling.” That, or a sequined robe with your nickname on it. C’mon, how cool is THAT?

SEGMENT #2: THE NIGHT THE ROPES BROKE
In what was probably intended as a weekly segment, a WWE Superstar talks about a favorite match of theirs. To my knowledge, Confidential only did this one. It’s from Raw on October 18, 1999. New Age Outlaws versus the APA. Bradshaw (or maybe Farooq. I forget) whips Billy Gunn against the ropes and the top rope breaks. Later, Billy whips Farooq into the corner and Farooq pulls off the top turnbuckle. Billy, Farooq and Bradshaw use the match as an example of how live TV doesn’t allow retakes, so just finish the match. Let me just say that while Bradshaw’s new haircut may look strange, his old haircut was getting a little stringy. Nothing to do with this segment, but I had to mention it. Carry on…

SEGMENT #3: HUNGRY MAN COMMERCIAL
It’s Booker T! In a supermarket! Hilarity will undoubtedly ensue! It’s the second Hungry Man commercial that BT’s starring in, this one at a grocery store. Book is accompanied by his “girlfriend”, actually a dancer from the Man Show. I don’t know her name. She looks good, though. Ring any bells? Book smashes and crashes through the store, reminding us all to enjoy our microwave dinners. Better that than another six-pack of Castrol GTX. That stuff is tearing up my insides.

SEGMENT #4: KURT IN COLORADO
Remember that brief period in 2002 when Kurt Angle might’ve left the WWE to compete in the Olympics? Well, I didn’t. But this segment, which sees Kurt visit the Olympic training camp in Colorado, jogged my memory. Rulon Gardner starts us off by suggesting that Kurt has a good chance to repeat at the 2004 Olympics. Kurt isn’t sure, but maybe a trip through the dorms with Sara Levin of USA Wrestling will help him decide (news flash: he stays in the WWE). After telling the current residents how much better things are than when he was there, Kurt gets in a little workout. At the end of his visit, Kurt hasn’t made up his mind (he stays in the WWE), but he will soon (already).

SEGMENT #5: WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONS
What a clever way to cut this together. It’s like a little word association game. Bisch, Flair, Show and Book are back, giving their thoughts on the most memorable WCW champs. Like…
DUSTY RHODES – “One of the greatest performers in the history of our business.” (Ric Flair)
RIC FLAIR – “I almost hyperventilated meeting him.” (Big Show)
GOLDBERG – “An example of what a promotion can do if they want to make a star out of a guy.” (Ric Flair)
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE – “All manufactured.” (Booker T) /// “That’s a tough one.” (Eric Bischoff)
STING – “…he was holding back, just a little bit.” (Eric Bischoff)
HULK HOGAN – “Hulk Hogan and the WCW Title changed the fortunes of World Championship Wrestling.” (Eric Bischoff) /// “He’ll go down in history as the greatest champion of our time.” (Ric Flair)

SEGMENT #6: CIVIC FREDDIE BLASSIE
The perils of reruns. Before he passed away, Freddie liked to stop by his local Salvation Army once a week to help motivate and console the residents. Regulars like Javier, William, Eric and Robert appreciated Freddie dropping by and enjoyed hearing him speak.

SEGMENT #7: AN AMERICAN NITWIT IN LONDON
Torrie! Torrie! Torrie! To help promote the then-upcoming live event Rebellion, the WWE sent good-looking/none-too-bright Superstar Torrie Wilson to London. England. All the way across the ocean. Torrie took in the sights, making awful, unfunny comments that are completely different from my awful, unfunny comments. Hers were nice and inclusive, trying to be a part of the British people. Mine are hateful and exclusive, belittling her for actually enjoying something since I myself lack the capacity to feel good.

NEXT WEEK ON CONFIDENTIAL
All freakin’ New! Steve Austin swings by VH1 (a.k.a. MTV4) to play a few Dio videos. I’m not kidding. Check it out next week.