411’s WWE Confidential Report 08.02.03

REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE AND HEAR IT HERE, LOVE’S THE RELIGION OF THE WEAK
God damn you, Mean Gene! Another rerun? What is your problem? I’ll show you! I’m going to recap it anyway. Huh? What do you think of that, huh? Pussy. This week’s heading from “Gentleman Caller”, off of “The Ugly Organ” by Cursive. This week’s return of commercials from “You Haven’t Learned Anything”, off of “The Same Mistakes” by W.Dal Bush. But why place blame and instigate fights? It’s Confidential!

SEGMENT #1: BOOKER T AND LEVON K, THE NEW EBONY EXPRESS
How long ago was this from? It seems one Levon Kirkland, a brute for the Eagles of Philadelphia (a footballing club for the National Football League Of The United States Of America) found occasion to engage in a brief manhandling, or “sacking”, of the opposing band of athletes’ Quarter-Back. Whereupon Mr. Kirkland proceeded to gesture in a menacing manner, pointing an accusatory finger at the hand which strayed from God’s righteous path, harming his fellow man. Whoops, not quite that long ago. Anyway, Levon created his celebratory spastic motion as a tribute to WWE Superstar Booker T. The Book was grateful and honored, and decided to swing by Philly to talk with his fan. Levon gave Book a tour of the Nova Care Complex, the Eagles training facility, and also introduced to him to some of the players and staff. Staff like Tom Kanavy, an assistant coach who talks wrestling with Levon whenever they get a chance. Players like Donovan McNabb, who stopped just shy of condescension when he talked with Booker T about the “five time” hand sign. More respectful was LK’s wife, who called during the taping to talk to Book. Please don’t expect me to make a crude joke at the expense of the sacred institution of marriage. I’d rather suggest that Levon seemed jealous of losing Book to the wife. C’mon! Football players like to just be held sometimes. They also like Super Bowl championships, according to Levon and Donovan. First I’ve heard of it, but okay. Speaking of competition, both Booker and Levon are asked to decide who’s tougher: wrestlers or football players? Levon’s crutch is the offseason, so he picks wrestlers. Booker is a tad more diplomatic, suggesting that each are tough in there own way. Aww, they are ADORABLE! They celebrate this newfound closeness by havin’ cheesesteaks! Whoo! Regional stereotypes rule! Now I’m gonna go have me a deep dish pizza, a big hot dog with everything on it and work to undermine prohibition!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Hey, commercial recaps are back. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. In that spirit, Slamball returns to TNN soon.
-Trading Jennifer Love Hewitt for Claire Forlani (yay!) and an old Jackie Chan for an even older Jackie Chan (boo!), The Tuxedo magically transforms into The Medallion. Hi ya! Full point!
-As an ode to the ubiquity of Castrol GTX commercials, from this point forward I will do one bit over and over when I recap them. It’s from “JLA: Rock of Ages” by Grant Morrison, published by DC Comics. If you get it, you get it. If you don’t… you will. Here goes: “WHO IS BEYOND GOOD AND EVIL? WHO IS THE PROPHET OF ANTI-LIFE? WHO IS THE ROCK AND THE CHAIN AND THE LIGHTNING? ALL POWERFUL! ALL UNFORGIVING! ALL CONQUERING! WHO IS YOUR NEW GOD NOW AND FOREVER?” Castrol GTX is.
-Milky Way good, Cheesy Way bad.
-Greyhound has a thousand buses moving a million poor people from one side of the country to another. What makes you so good that you don’t need to take the bus, Mister Five Figure Income?
-Comcast High Speed Internet is possibly the only way to stay at the fore of the Internet Wrestling Community and the aft of People Who Live Their Lives.
-A local ad for Douglas Main Pharmacy, which is about 40 yards away from me as I type this. No, 30. Uh, 26. 21. 15. 6. Holy Jesus, it’s RIGHT ON TOP OF US! SAVE YOURSELF!
-Jill Arrington looks hot, Slamball does not. Maybe TNN should drop the sports and just have her jumping on trampolines for 2 hours…
-The McMahon Family Values Tour of 2003 (aka WWE Live) is, quite possibly, coming to a town near you. What am I, Kreskin?

SEGMENT #2: REY MYSTERIO USED TO BE ALLOWED TO SHOUT “6-1-9”
Aside from being the same height as his own action figure, Rey Mysterio’s claim to WWE fame is his acrobatic nature, best showcased in the wide variety of high-flying moves he does. Mainly, the 6-1-9. If you are among the 95% of internet wrestling fans who, instead of watching, simply read the spoilers of Smackdown in order to bitch about it, you might not know what the 6-1-9 looks like. Thankfully, Rey demonstrates it. Rey waits for his opponent to rest their torso against the ropes, their head between the middle and top ropes. Then Rey backs up, bounces of the opposite ropes, runs towards his opponent and grabs the middle and top ropes to the side of his opponent in order to swing himself through. As he swings his legs through the ropes, Rey kicks his opponent in the head, forcing them back into the center of the ring. He also uses the 6-1-9 to set up other moves, but I won’t be describing them. This segment is about the 6-1-9 and only the 6-1-9. Let’s try to stay focused, people. The 6-1-9 really came to prominence when Rey started in the WWE. Before his debut, he talked with Tazz and Michael Cole, letting them know what moves he’d be doing. When they heard about the 6-1-9, they flipped. The only problem was, it wasn’t called the 6-1-9 then. It wasn’t called anything. The three of them tried to figure out what to call it. Rey wanted the name to have some significance to San Diego, and Tazz remembered that San Diego’s area code was 6-1-9. So, Tazz actually came up with the name for the move. Rey’s most memorable 6-1-9 was against Kurt Angle, before he died. Ah, sorry. I wasn’t supposed to mention that. Well, too late now. Please don’t tell Eric Angle that I told people he replaced Kurt in 2002 following a partial devouring by the Big Show.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Not getting as much TV time as you used to? Merchandise being heavily discounted on WWE.com? New haircut called “too gay” by the cast of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy? Who cares! You’re rich! Bradshaw’s “Have More Money Now”, in bookstores everywhere.
-A new motion picture called “Grind” which is not a feature film adaptation of the classic 90’s dance program from MTV. Who was the host of that one? Downtown Julie Brown or Eric from the Real World?
-Let’s-a go! It’s Mario, but golfing. Mario Golf for Gamecube.
-Nike attempts to become synonymous with sports by packing this commercial with red-hot athletes like Jerry Seinfeld. What is the deal with sneakers? You don’t use them to sneak. I mean, what IS the deal?
-Twix uses the catchphrase “It’s all in the mix”. To clarify, they mean chocolate, caramel, cookies, rat hairs, microscopic feces, pirate gold, sugar and love are all in the mix.
-SWAT, a new movie. What does SWAT stand for? Shakespeare’s Writing Antagonizes Teenagers?
-Fram, Fram, Fram, Wonderful Fram!
-1-800-COLLECT, Jamie Presley in a skin-tight outfit. Allow me to dial down the center… OF MY PANTS!
-The Daredevil DVD is available now. In honor of the blind vigilante, begin practicing your echolocation. Or, have a dead girlfriend get resurrected by ninjas. Or, have your nemesis (if necessary, nemeses) systematically destroy your life, leaving you an empty shell of a man who must battle past a lunatic super-soldier to prove your innocence. If all those fail, eat dry Froot Loops while the movie plays. I like Froot Loops.
-Sweet Christ on a motorbike! It’s “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair versus “What’s A Nature Boy” Bill Goldberg! On Raw! Whee!

SEGMENT #3: RVD’S LITTLE PLASTIC MAN
Here’s a quick fact: toys are for nerds. And, in case you didn’t know, wrestling is also for nerds. Wrestling toys? Nerdier than a nerd who took a nerdship to the third moon of Nerdtune to become King of the Nerdtunians. That’s pretty nerdy. That said, let’s watch as Rob Van Dam tours the Jakks Pacific headquarters. He’s met outside the building by Genna Goldberg who SPEAR! SPEAR! DEAR GAWD, SHE’S BROKEN VAN DAM IN TWO! RIGHT IN TWO! BY GAWD! Oh, I miss good ol’ JR. Genna leads Rob inside and shows off some of the offices. Rob tells everyone that they need to make more RVD toys. The staff just might oblige him, considering they’re big RVD fans. You want proof? Some woman wants an autograph, a photo and a squeezin’ of his arm. That’s fandom. RVD checks out some of the RVD merchandise, including a WWE microphone that has a few of his catchphrases. It makes for a funny moment (by Confidential standards) when RVD says to the microphone, “RVD, tell me again how cool you are one more time,” to which the microphone-RVD says, “Whatever!” Oh no, he didn’t! Day-amn. A trip to the bottom levels of the Jakks compound introduces to Marlene Fitzpatrick who JACKHAMMER! HE HIT THE JACKHAMMER! THIS HAS GOT TO BE IT FOR ROB VAN DAM! Come home, JR. Marlene talks about the scanning process they use to create perfect replicas for children to play with and adults to try in vain to fill a deep, emotional vacuum with vague recollections of childhood happiness. Once a subject (Jamie Noble, for instance) is scanned, a wax mold is made. After the initial wax mold is cleaned up and corrected, a resin mold is made. I’m not sure, but I think I saw RVD perk up when Marlene said “resin”. Speaking of RVD, the final prototype toy, or “master tool” (zing!), is sent overseas, leading to the mass-produced hunk of plastic you buy at the store. Which particular hunks of plastic that are produced depends on you, the fan/nerd. Jakks Pacific reads fan mail, e-mails and checks out Internet feedback, so they know which 7 figures you want and which 11,216 figures you don’t want. I’m looking at you, ANGLESLAM666. Rob called the tour “incredible”, despite the massive videotape evidence to the contrary.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-He thinks he’s cute, he knows he’s sexy. He’s got the looks that drive the girls wild. Now, not Rikishi. It’s the Shawn Michaels DVD, available everywhere, unless you are Semi-Regular Velocity Recapper Patrick Brower. Then, good friggin’ luck.
-Jason vs. Freddy. Will the brawling heavyweight Jason allow the cruiserweight Freddy to go over? Or will Freddy, already in the management doghouse for missing a house show last week, get squashed? Find out and don’t bother me anymore!
-Milky Ways for Milky Means.
-1-800-CALL-ATT spoofs American Idol, which causes my head to explode twice. Twice, I tells ya!
-Burger King takes an unfunny King of Comedy as its new pitchman. Not DL Hughley. The other one.
-Need a cheap and disgusting way to travel? Do you have a week to get there? Try Greyhound!
-Mario Golf… man, I don’t know nearly enough about plumbing, golf or Italians to make a joke. Eh, next time.
-Anti-Drug informs America that pot makes you lazy. Really? Who the hell’s been slipping pot into my food?
-Downhill Domination is out now for all game consoles. The sequel, Downhill Submission, will be available whenever Mistress commands.

WWE REWIND:
-It’s ironic that this is called REWIND, because I FAST-FORWARDED through it this past Monday. Molly beats Gaily Poo to become the new Interim Women’s Champion.

SEGMENT #4: FIT FINLAY, WOMEN’S CHAMPION
Get it? “Women’s Champion”? ‘Cause he’s, like, the champion of the women ‘cause they all respect him? Oh, forget it. Screw you. Screw all of you! You don’t deserve my funny! I’m punishing you by withholding the funny for the rest of this segment, starting… now. David “Fit” Finlay began his wrestling career at age 14 in Ireland. His father was a wrestling promoter, and one night he needed a wrestler on show notice for a show. So Fit, who had trained but never actually wrestled in front of a crowd, made his debut. Over the years he wrestled for a number of companies, most notably WCW. After a nerve was severed in his leg, Fit became a road agent, eventually working in the same capacity at WWE after WCW was bought. While many were surprised at tough guy Fit being but in charge of developing the Women’s division, Fit took the job seriously. Fit was responsible for turning valets and other non-wrestling performers like Stacy, Trish, Dawn Marie, Torrie, Victoria, Terri, and Kevin Nash and turning them into wrestlers. Alright, one joke. I can’t stay mad at you. The women all commended Fit for his gentlemanly conduct, comparing his professional demeanor to that of a doctor. Everyone interviewed agreed that were it not for Fit, the Women’s division wouldn’t be nearly as good as it is now. Jackie Gayda and Linda Miles concurred. Okay, two jokes. Let’s never fight again.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-With the grim inevitability of, well, a monthly pay-per-view, it’s Summerslam.
-Big Mutha Truckers for many, many video game systems.
-Big Mutha Truckers… again. Go to hell!
-“WHO IS BEYOND GOOD AND EVIL?” Castrol GTX is.
-SWAT, a new movie. What does SWAT stand for? Sadly, Wrestling Appears Terrible.
-Snickers condemns snide and condescending behavior. Oooh, look at me! I’m a high-and-mighty candy manufacturer! I get to be the judge of the entire world’s communicative inadequacies! Waa waa waa!
-Reebok, because you can’t spell “Our sweatshop employees make less than a living wage, but these shoes cost $100” without Reebok.
-Vehix.com has all the warmth of a car dealership, but online. Or if you prefer, all the sexiness of a porn website, but with cars.
-In a million years, all traces of man’s existence will be wiped from the earth. Every grand structure, every work of art, crumbled into dust beneath the forces of time. All that remains is a single word, repeated endlessly in the void: AAMCO.

SPONSORS:
-Castrol Syntec, Subway and Nike Running all enjoyed American Wedding. Why? In a word, boobies.

SEGMENT #5: WWE IN LAS VEGAS
Great! A little segment to hype us up for the big Raw in Las Vegas! A bunch of clips of past Raw moments in Vegas (Steph and Hunter get married, a few more that I missed), all to whet the appetite for Raw Roulette this Monday. I am PSYCHED!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Metallica provides the theme song to Summerslam, which is called “St. We Hope Jason Newstead And Shawn Fanning Get Trapped In An Elevator And Are Forced To Eat One Another In Order To Survive But Before They Die The Elevator Door Opens And We Get To Piss On Them And Laugh Because We Hate Them And They Filled Us With Anger”.
-Slamball Season 2 premieres next week. Finally, we get a resolution to last season’s cliffhanger! Who lives? Who dies? Will the Diablos be forced to find a new place to live following last season’s surprise eviction by special guest star Madonna? Find out next week on the New TNN!
-Mario Golf finally abandons the hated whimsy of block-breaking and mushroom-eating in favor of linksmanship. At last, something for kids to enjoy.
-You aren’t really running unless you’re Nike Running. Sissy.
-1-800-CALL-ATT feasts on the blood of people who are too cheap to buy a wireless phone and too lazy to find two quarters. Blah!
-Twix, but with Peanut Butter. I believe it’s called Butter Twix Peanut.
-Downhill Domination. What is it with you kids today? Too lazy for some Uphill Domination? No, no, everything has to be easy. “It’s too hard to go uphill, we can only go downhill…”
-Daredevil on DVD has a neat hour-long comic documentary, featuring interviews with David Mack, Brian Michael Bendis, Kevin Smith, Frank Miller, John Romita Jr., John Romita Sr., Stan Lee and Gene Colan. Really well done. Seriously!
-Stridex might actually enable you to get out of the house, away from the computer and the wrestling shows, pizzaface.
-SWAT, a new movie. What does SWAT stand for? Sympathy Weight Accrues Tastily.
-Most Extreme Elimination Challenge is the new show from the makers of Second Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.
-Summerslam is brought to you by Stacker 2 and everyone who can’t wait to call the quality of Vengeance a fluke.

SEGMENT #6: VAL VENIS
Hello, ladies indeed. Back in 1998, The Man Who Would Be Val Venis was working in Mexico City when he got a call from Vince McMahon. Vince wanted him to work for the WWE. TMWWBVV said sure. Vince laid out the concept for the character to be played, a film star. TMWWBVV thought that sounded interesting. Vince corrected himself, an ADULT film star. Named Val Venis. TMWWBVV was skeptical of the gimmick’s success, but was willing to try it. Val used the same voice he always had as a wrestler, but slowed it down a bit. The opening gags (“The Big Valbowski’s like a Rubik’s Cube: the longer you play with it, the harder it gets.”) were never supposed to be more than a one night thing, but they got such a good response that they continued. Val remembers telling his Mom about the porn star gimmick and having her be excited for him. Uh, I don’t mean “excited” excited. Get your mind out of the gutter, perv!

NEXT WEEK ON CONFIDENTIAL
Kuwait, Bradshaw, Farooq and Ivory are all words I’ll plug in to Mad Libs to create a recap. Or not, since I’m totally busy next weekend. We’ll do the Mad Libs some other time. Next week, rushed recap returns. Alliteration may not.