411’s WWE Heat Report 05.18.08

Hey guys and gals, I’m Scott, and this is 411’s ALL-NEW, ALL-DIFFERENT WWE Heat Report.

I’ve always prided myself on writing the Best Damn Heat Report on the Net, and part of being the best is continually striving to improve. So recently I was proud to debut a completely new format for the Heat Report. The most dramatic change was a drastic reduction in the length of the play-by-play. I loved writing in-depth, detailed reports of each match, but I completely understand that most readers would rather just get right to the highlights. So from now on I’m going to be presenting a more condensed Overview of each match in order to give you a clear view of the main events while skipping over some of the more minor details. However, in order to compensate for the abbreviated length of the Overview, I’m also going to be adding a Background, Analysis, and Rating for each match. The Background will provide a brief review of the recent events in the careers of each of the wrestlers involved in the match while the Analysis and Rating will allow me to give you my opinion on the quality and future implications of the match. Finally, I’ll still include the Result, Length, and Best Spot in order to continue to provide the most complete coverage possible. Okay, enough with the boring stuff. Let’s get to the wrestling.

Match 1: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan vs. CK3, i.e., Conrad Kennedy III

Background: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan is the Ric Flair of Heat. Sometimes he wins and sometimes he loses, but you haven’t done it all on Heat until you’ve gone one-on-one with the Hacksaw. Duggan was victorious last week on Heat when he teamed with his on-again, off-again tag team partner Super Crazy to defeat Charlie Haas & Robbie McAllister, and he’ll be looking to carry that momentum forward to the singles scene in this match. CK3, i.e., Conrad Kennedy III, is a jobber. Sure, the basement dwellers in the comments section damn near creamed themselves when they read the spoilers and saw that CK3 would be stepping foot in a WWE ring, but he’s still about to get his ass handed to him by Jim Freaking Duggan. And that makes him a jobber. Deal with it.

Overview: CK3 takes control with a cheap shot to Duggan’s back and then slams his head into the top turnbuckle, but Duggan blocks when CK3 tries it again and then slams CK3’s head into the top turnbuckle. Duggan goes to work with the haymakers before hitting a running clothesline and again slamming CK3’s head into the top turnbuckle. CK3 retaliates with a forearm shot to the face followed by a snap-mare takedown into a sleeper hold, but Duggan fights back to his feet, breaks the hold, and drops CK3 with a single punch. Duggan locks in a sleeper hold of his own before connecting with a hip toss and locking in a standing front face lock. Duggan lands a volley of forearm shots to the back and again slams CK3’s head into the top turnbuckle, but CK3 responds with a barrage of forearm shots to the face. Duggan levels CK3 with a single punch, hits a spinning scoop slam, and connects with the Three Point Stance Running Clothesline for the three count.

Analysis: What is there to say? We’ve all seen this match, almost move-for-move, on numerous occasions. This isn’t how I would book Duggan at this point in his career, but the crowd seemed to have fun, so I suppose it wasn’t a complete loss. And besides, this match gave the powers-that-be a chance to get a look at CK3, so maybe this won’t be the last time we see him in WWE…

Result: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan defeats CK3 with the Three Point Stance Running Clothesline.
Length: 4:08
Best Spot: Duggan’s Three Point Stance Running Clothesline
Rating: *

Match 2: Super Crazy vs. Paul Burchill & Katie Lea Burchill in a 2-on-1 Handicap Match

Background: Super Crazy has been Livin’ la Vida Jobber as of late. However, Crazy was victorious last week on Heat when he teamed with his on-again, off-again tag team partner “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan to defeat Charlie Haas & Robbie McAllister, and he’ll be looking to carry that momentum forward to the singles scene in this match. Across the ring, Paul Burchill and his sister Katie Lea Burchill are undefeated in both singles matches and handicap matches since debuting in WWE this February. That’s good. They also like to do each other. That’s creepy. And kinda hot.

Overview: Katie Lea distracts Crazy with a kick to the legs, and Paul follows up with a running clothesline. The Burchills stomp a mud hole in Crazy and then hit their sweet bow-and-arrow / second rope double foot stomp combination. Katie hits the move much more cleanly than she did against John Cutler a few weeks ago; she basically executes it like a Mushroom Stomp and is thus able to land on her feet. Shit, I mentioned John Cutler. Now I’ve got Mike Adamle’s voice stuck in my head. Anyway, the Burchills press their advantage as Paul locks in a single-leg Boston Crab and Katie simultaneously applies a Camel Clutch. Joey Mathews states that Super Crazy is “getting it from both ends – literally!” And now I have dirty, dirty pictures going through my head… Anyway, Paul catapults Crazy into the corner and charges after him, but Crazy slides out of the way causing Paul to slam chest-first into the top turnbuckle. Paul is dazed and confused, so Crazy goes for a quick roll-up on Katie but only gets a two-count before Paul makes the save with a Big Boot. I know that usually only heels pull their opponents tights on a roll-up, but Crazy could have gotten himself MAD OVER with the fans if he’d have gone for it there.

The Burchills regain control as Paul goes to work with the mounted punches and then drops a knee down onto Crazy’s chest. Paul whips Crazy to the corner and charges after him, but Crazy catches him with a STIFF kick to the side of the head. Katie charges towards Crazy, but Crazy back body drops her over the top rope and onto the apron. Now it’s Katie that’s dazed and confused, so Crazy goes for a crucifix pin on Paul but only gets a two count before Paul kicks out. Crazy locks in a standing side head lock on Paul as Katie charges back into the ring, but Crazy catches her with a head scissors and hits a SWANK head lock takedown / head scissors take down combination on Paul and Katie. The crowd is lovin’ Crazy right now. Crazy turns his attention to Paul and hits a spinning back heel kick, a standing drop kick, a scoop slam, and a standing moonsault that gets a one count before Katie makes the save. Dude, Crazy was a bit too far forward on that moonsault, so he accidentally drove his knees right into Paul’s chest. That looked… not fun. Anyway, Katie distracts Crazy long enough for Paul to lock in a double underhook from behind, and then Katie slaps the shit outta Crazy as Paul holds him. Crazy goes for another head scissors takedown on Katie, but Paul just lets go of him, thus basically allowing Katie to powerbomb him. Katie goes for the jackknife pin but only gets at two count, so Paul waits for Crazy to get back to his feet and hits a SWEET running neckbreaker. That looked exactly like an RKO, except that Crazy landed on his back instead of on his chest. Anyway, Paul hits the curb stomp, shoots the half to roll Crazy onto his back, and gives Katie the honor of getting the three count.

Analysis: I’ll be the first to admit that this match was far better than I expected. I was anticipating more-or-less a basic squash match, but Super Crazy’s comebacks made this match quite interesting. What impressed me the most was that Crazy’s offense and his pin-fall attempts were all believable due to the fact that he was able to isolate his opponents. Crazy consistently managed to incapacitate either Paul or Katie before attempting to get the pin on the other, and the ring savvy shown by Crazy made the Burchills’ victory seem more impressive. The Burchills picked up the win that they needed to further propel their young careers, but give Super Crazy credit for making them look good in the process.

Result: Katie Lea Burchill defeats Super Crazy after a Curb Stomp from Paul Burchill.
Length: 3:54
Best Spot: Paul and Katie Lea’s bow-and-arrow / second rope double foot stomp combination
Rating: **

Match 3: Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs. Charlie Haas & Robbie McAllister

Background: Paul London & Brian Kendrick have been on fire since WrestleMania 24 with three victories over Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch and an impressive non-title victory over World Tag Team Champions Hardcore Holly & Cody Rhodes. London & Kendrick recently lost a Number One Contenders Match to Carlito & Santino Marella, but it seems to be only a matter of time until they get their shot at another tag team title reign. Across the ring, Charlie Haas and Robbie McAllister both seem to be at low points in their WWE careers. Haas’ recent luchador gimmick found only limited success and may have been put on the shelf indefinitely two weeks ago when Cryme Tyme sold Haas’ luchador mask. Robbie was struggling in singles action while his partner Rory was sidelined with an injury, but things only got worse when he was caught on camera at TNA Impact. Last week on Heat, Haas and McAllister tried to elevate each other by forming an impromptu tag team, but they ended up losing to “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and Super Crazy. That’s… never good.

Overview: Kendrick and Haas start the match, and Haas takes control with a front chancery and a back heel trip. Haas finds an arm wringer into a hammer lock into an arm bar into another hammer lock, but Kendrick flips over Haas to break the hold and retaliates with a pair of standing drop kicks and an arm bar of his own. Kendrick makes the tag to London, and London and Kendrick hit a sweet double Japanese arm drag for a one count. London splashes Haas’ arm and locks in an arm bar, but Haas muscles him to the corner and makes the tag to Robbie. Haas sends London to the mat with a fireman’s carry takedown, and Robbie follows up with a pair of elbow drops to London’s chest. Robbie hits a pair of European uppercuts (BUT HE’S NOT EVEN… oh, wait, yeah he is…), whips London to the ropes, and charges after him, but London floats over and retaliates with a leg sweep followed by a hip toss and an arm drag into an arm bar. Dude, I totally watched Rambo: First Blood Part II this morning, and now London hits a leg sweep. I’ve got some serious Cobra Kai mojo workin’ today.

London makes the tag to Kendrick, and Kendrick hits a slingshot sunset flip for a two count. Kendrick lands an arm drag into an arm bar before making the tag to London. London hits another arm drag, makes the tag to Kendrick, and holds Robbie as Kendrick connects with a top rope elbow drop to Robbie’s arm. Kendrick kicks Robbie’s arm, locks in an arm wringer, and makes the tag to London, and London and Kendrick drill Robbie with a double flap jack. Dude, Robbie took that like a champ, right on his face. Wow, that sounded way dirtier that it did in my head. Anyway, Haas rushes in for the save, but London and Kendrick catch him with a double standing drop kick. Haas and Robbie roll to the outside to catch a breather, but London and Kendrick give chase with stereo slingshot planchas to the outside. London rolls Robbie back in the ring, catches him with a shoulder to the gut between the ropes, flips into the ring, and connects with a flying cross-body for a one count. London goes to work with a series of mounted punches, but Robbie flings him chest-first onto the bottom rope and holds him as Haas kicks him in the head from the apron. Robbie makes the tag to Haas, and Haas hits a neck breaker onto the top rope before going to work with a barrage of knee shot to the neck and back. Haas chokes London against the second turnbuckle and then against the bottom rope before slamming his head into the ring post. London tumbles off the apron and down to the floor as we head to a commercial.

We’re back from the break, and Haas is still in control of London. Haas makes the tag to Robbie, and Robbie connects with a head butt and a double ax-handle shot to the back for a two count. Robbie locks in a modified Camel Clutch and then whips London to the ropes before leveling him with a back elbow shot to the face for a two count. Robbie makes the tag to Haas, and Haas goes to work with knee shots to London’s back and chest before locking in a rear sleeper hold. Haas whips London to the ropes and goes for a back body drop, but London floats over, lands on his feet, and makes the tag to Kendrick. Kendrick connects with a slingshot drop kick to Haas and follows up with a standing drop kick, a flying forearm smash, a flying back elbow shot, and a spinning back heel kick. Kendrick heads up top and connects with a top rope missile drop kick for a two count, but Robbie rushes in to make the save. Robbie takes a swing at London on the apron, but London low bridges him and sends him out to the floor before connecting with a Mushroom Stomp from the apron to the floor. Back in the ring Haas goes for a belly-to-back suplex, but Kendrick flips over and lands on his feet. Haas goes for a big splash in the corner, but Kendrick slides out of the way causing Haas to slam chest-first into the top turnbuckle. Haas is dazed and confused, so Kendrick hits Sliced Bread #2 for the three count.

After the match, Brian Kendrick grabs a mic to make a statement.

Brian Kendrick: “This is a joke. Paul and I are better than this, and right now we’re putting everyone on notice. We’re coming to Raw, and we’re coming for the World Tag Team Titles.”

Analysis: Paul London and Brian Kendrick make me happy. Period, end of story. They’ve been given lots of time to showcase their abilities on Heat over the past few weeks, and I can only hope that the powers-that-be are slowly beginning to remember why London and Kendrick were such exciting tag team champions. It’s hard to say if Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes have finally rid themselves of Carlito and Santino Marella, but it seems like London and Kendrick should be next in line once Carlito and Santino are out of the picture.

Result: Brian Kendrick defeats Charlie Haas with Sliced Bread #2.
Length: 11:11 (including commercial)
Best Spot: London and Kendrick’s stereo slingshot planchas
Rating: **½

Okay kids, that’s it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I’ll see you back here next weekend.