411’s WWE Smackdown Report 01.02.03

WWE Smackdown for January 2, 2003 from Albuquerque, New Mexico
Report by Brendan Johnston exclusively for www.411wrestling.com

I’m on three hours of sleep, folks. That’s right, three f***ing hours of sleep. Residual New Year’s Eve lateness kept me up and I started back at work this morning, so… WOO! That’s all I have to say. It’s gonna be an interesting one, people.

I didn’t watch Raw or the best of 2002 or whatever the cock it was. Instead me and Tom watched the first Back to the Future movie on DVD, I having picked up the trilogy with some Christmas money. We couldn’t shut the commentary off, so there was a good ten, fifteen minutes of me and Tom just yelling at the DVD player to shut up. The DVD set is definitely worth picking up, with a lot of cool extras, including stills of Eric Stoltz looking super-weird as Marty McFly, some really funny outtakes and an intense deleted scene on the second disc as Old Biff fades from existence.

So here’s the thing about Back To The Future: I accept a lot of the time-travel gobbledegook at face value, unlike SOME Smackdown recappers around here. The way I figure it, Marty and the Doc cease to exist in the timestream as we do the second they break the time travel barrier. Same with Jennifer (both of them), Einstein the dog, Clara and the Doc’s little brats. Unless something major happens to directly affect their existence- i.e. Marty’s parents never getting together- they’re cool as the other side of the pillow. Does it work scientifically? Probably not, but guess what? Neither do warp drive, lightsabers or the Ark of the Covenant melting just Nazis and not our lantern-jawed American hero, so there.

“What about Old Biff?” you ask. “You were just crowing about how kickass the scene where he fades away is, but why does he fade away if he’s outside the timestream?”

Because Lorraine shoots him in the alternate 1985, smartass. Take that tone with me again and I’ll smack you so hard you’ll wake up and find that your clothes are as out of style as mine.

Anyway… Clara. In the third movie. Okay, it’s cool that the Doc gets some and Christopher Lloyd gets to play a romantic lead for once in his long, wild-eyed, not conventionally good looking career. But Clara’s supposed to be dead. He shouldn’t have met her before Marty went back with the DeLorean, because she was supposed to go over the ravine. She was supposed to fall over the ravine, thus renaming it Clayton Ravine, as Marty points out, and Doc was supposed to get shot and die a few days later. Doc had no reason to be at the ravine to save her if not for Marty bringing the DeLorean back, and thus I ask… seriously now… what the hell?

Wait. Shit. I almost forgot: this is a wrestling column. And reading Eric S’s year in review, I realize just how peeved people get when we IWC types start to talk about stuff other than workrate and how much Triple H sucks (the vaccuum cleaner manufacturers of America are plotting an assassination attempt because he’s killing their business, from what I hear), so on to the rasslin’!

Actually, it ties in. Read Hollywood Hulk Hogan’s book to get the skinny on Doc Brown himself, who was apparently something of a party animal. It’s the vaguest book ever written (“I was born, I was in Rocky III, then the WWF, that was cool, then I was in WCW, that sucked, then I fought the Rock. The End.”) but it’s a quick read. Borrow Tom Cocozza’s copy, if you want. I’m sure I’ll return it to him eventually.

Like I said, I’m dead tired today, and there was no Raw to speak of, so let’s just go to the report, shall we?

New Year means New Features, at least till I’m sick of doing them. Your Smackdown Soundtrack this week is the first volume of the soundtrack to the black comedy classic Grosse Pointe Blank and also 52nd Street by Billy Joel.

Man, where the fuck is my stopwatch… oh, there it is. Under my wallet. Which houses a sweet post-holiday paycheck which I will be blowing tomorrow on food, comics and maybe a DVD or two if anyone wants to come with me..

I don’t believe this. I lost my goddamn stopwatch again. What the hell is wrong with me? Ah. Found it.

They show a 2002 retrospective featuring the nWo, Rey Mysterio’s debut, Angle/Benoit et cetera, then a 2003 graphic asking what is still to come.

Tonight, here comes the pain, because the Next Big Thing Brock Lesnar is back in action. LIVE.

Also, destiny brings Dawn Marie and Al Wilson together. LIVE.

In case you ddin’t get it, we are live, baby! Live. No spoilers. No taping. Working without a net. I don’t know what’s gonna happen tonight, and neither do they, and neither do you. LIVE, LIVE, LIVE! From New York! It’s Saturdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay NIGHT! Okay, not really. They’re in Albuquerque- or however the hell you spell it- New Mexico, where you can turn left and end up pretty much anywhere you want to be. Mean Michael Cole and Too Tall Tazz are announcing this bad mamma jamma, I’m recapping it and you’re reading it instead of watching the show.

John Cena and B2 rap their way out and Cena declares it Y2JC, then raps some smack talk about Rikishi and how he’s fat and such. You know, more likely than not, it’s a genetic condition. It’s really nothing to make fun of.

John Cena (w/B2) vs. Rikishi: Rikishi punches Cena a few times, then dumps him, and introduces him to his newest homeboy, Stair Doggy Dogg. Legdrop gets two. Double Chin Music sends Cena to Stinkface position, but B2 makes the save. B2 beats on Rikishi a bit and rolls him in for Cena to get two. Cena gets a backdrop and stomps away for two. Cena goes to a chinlock while B2 stalks outside. Rikishi fights out and hits some punhes, then Backs That Ass Up into empty corner. Cena distracts the ref with the chain while Rikishi hits a Samoan chokeslam for two. Some more shenanigans and tomfoolery with B2 and the ref, then Cena rolls Rikishi up for the win.

Winner: John Cena by pinfall (3:48)

Dawn Marie comes out in a white (HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHA…. whew… whew… HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA… okay I’m done) wedding dress, talks about how beautiful she is and promises to take the dress off and marry Al in the nude…..
….
….
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Okay then.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Stephanie McMahon walks to the “Bridal Suite” backstage. She tells Dawn Marie that she has no problem with her getting married on Smackdown, but the nude thing… Steph’s thinking no. Dawn says she wants to show Al how much she loves him. By appearing naked in front of millions of strangers. Steph threatens Dawn with repercussions if the dress come off.

What repercussions? All Dawn does there is manipulate the Wilson family. I don’t even remember when she was in the ring last, and it’s my job to watch this show every week.

Chuck Palumbo vs. Bill DeMott: Lokcup to a side headock and shoulder block by deMott. DeMott hits an elbow to Chuck’s head, then Chuck hits one of his own, knocking DeMott back. Chuck delivers a Hardy-Crippler punch to DeMott’s beady little eyes but can’t whip him. Chuck gets stomped and whipped to the corner, then splashed. They punch a lot and hit each other with a lot of forearms. DeMott headbutt sets up a sleeper on the mat. Paulmbo fights out but gets kneed in the gut. DeMott missses another corner splash, and gets clotheslined. Overhead belly to belly by Chuck sets up the discus punch but Chuck gets clotheslined. Reverse DDT by DeMott gets… three? WTF?

Winner: Bill DeMott by pinfall (3:39)

Commercial break… they show a Darkside Undertaker video package. “The Darkness Consumes the Light, and Beckons His Return. The DeadMan Walks Again. WWE Royal Rumble”…. ho-lee shit I’m glad I taped that. I don’t know what it is but something about the old Undertaker gimmick really, really interests me.

And we’re back.

Billy Kidman walks backstage and runs into Torrie Wilson. Kidman’s surprised to see her there. Torrie says that Dawn should get married in the nude, because she shouldn’t be wearing white. To cheer Torrie up, Kidman does a pretty funny Al Wilson impression, then an even better Dawn Marie impression.

Wait, wait… Kidman can’t have a personality! What are you guys doing? He might get over with that shit, we can’t have that!

Josh from Tough Enough asked Kurt Angle- with Team Angle- if he’ll be prepared to face Benoit at the Rumble. Angle gets all up in Josh’s grill and calls for the footage of Team Angle beating on Benoit last week. Josh asks if he’s worried about who Benoit will pick as his partner tonight. Angle says no and talks about how great Team Angle is. Charlie Haas is a multi-time All American, as is Shelton Benjamin, who was also Brock Lesnar’s former teammate, and declares his boys and himself the three greatest wrestlers in the history of the sport. They put the “Wrestling” in “World Wrestling Entertainment.” So they’re not worried about Benoit, or his tag team partner. But if he was Benoit, he’d be worried sick.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

WWE Tag Team Champion Eddie Guerrero (w/WWE Tag Team Champion Chavo Guerrero) vs. WWE Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman: Holy crap, Eddie cut his hair. Match is non-title.

Lockup to a Guerrero armdrag. Lockup agin and Kidman gets two armdrags but misses a dropkick.Headlock by Guerrero and Kidman leapfrogs him, then mnkey flips him Eddie come sback and chops in the corner. Bridging fallaway salm getst wo for Guerrero. Kidman gets kneed in the gut but John Cena and B2 interrupt the match with some insulting rap stuff about Eddie’s hair and the fact that they’re probably illegal immigrants. Cena lays down a challenge for the titles. Kidman holds Eddie back and beats on him a bit, because while he may be a cutup backstage, Kidman’s all business in the ring. Uhhh… yeah. Chavo beats the hell out of B2, then gets interrupted by Rikishi who goes after Buchannan as well. Kidman and Eddie continue to beat each other up outside and this match is apparently STILL going on.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

WWE Tag Team Champion Eddie Guerrero (w/WWE Tag Team Champion Chavo Guerrero) vs. WWE Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman: Kidman wails on Eddie for a bit. Cena’s on commentary because he didn’t physically get involved, so he didn’t get booted. Eddie offers a handshake but Kidman clotheslines him. (Pssst… Billy? You’re a babyface.) Gory special by Eddie to a crucifix drop. Eddie goes to a chinlock while Cena talks all ghetto at Cole and buries the hatchet with Tazz. Eddie dumps Kidman off a charge. Eddie rolls Kidman back in and hits the slingshot swanton for two. Sleeper by Guerrero. I can’t tell if Tazz is making fun of Cena or not. Kidman backdrops out of the sleeper and goes up top, then gets superplexed. Eddie’s feeling froggy, but Kidman’s not, and he hits a powerbomb for two. Back body drop by a rejuvenated Kidman. Dropkick. Kidman floats out of a tilt a whirl slam and hits a Rydien bomb for two. Kidman X-Factors out of a powerbomb and goes up top. Cross body gets two. Kidman floats out of a suplex and they run into each other for a double KO. Cena leaves the announce position and nails Eddie with the chain. Kidman doesn’t realize, and he hits the Shooting Star Press for the win. Hm. Interesting.

Winner: Billy Kidman by pinfall (13:26)

Commercial break

And we’re back, and we’ve got us a Brock Lesnar video package. Then we get a Danw Marie/Al Wilson/Torrie video package, which isn’t half as cool. And now the wedding.

Al comes down in a Saturday Night Fever-esque suit. Dawn comes down in her white (snicker) dress. Hey, Al’s got an earring. Everyone speeaks up at the “speak now, or forever hold your peace” line. Dawn brings up the nudity thing. Al helps her unzip and she strips to bra and panties. She stops before removing the lower undergarment. She says that Steph didn’t say anything about Al getting married in the nude.

Oh dear god… I have not prayed this much since I was a kid. If God exists, he will make this stop. Please, Lord, I’ve been good. I was an altar boy for years. I only got into one fight in the sacristy in all those years, and I won.

Dawn stops at Al’s tightey whiteys, which is good.

Then she talks about Al’s dick, which isn’t.

They exchange the vows and then try to suck each other’s faces off. And I think this is the first wedding ceremony in the history of WWE/WWF that went off without being interrupted.

I don’t know whether to congratulate Al Wilson for not getting a little mahogany on that kiss or feel bad for him.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Team Angle (Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin) [w/WWE Champion Kurt Angle] vs. Chris Benoit & Mystery Partner: There should be three guys on Team Angle, and each one should represent Intensity, Integrity and Intelligence. That’s just me though. The mystery partner is Edge. Eh.

Haas and Benoit start. Lockup to start and Benoit dmominates. Benjamin tags in and gets locked in the Crossface in mere seconds. Haas breaks it up. But gets tosse. Tag to Edge, who stomps a mudhole and chops on Benjamin in the corner.Benjamin reverses a cross corner whip but Edge gets the boots up and hits a second rope missile dropkick. Edge cheapshots Haas and gets dumped from behind by Benjamin. Hass smacks Edge around and rolls him back in. Backdrop gets two. Rear chinlock by Benjamin and he tags Haas Short arm whip to the heel corner and Haas chokes on the second rope. Haas distracts the ref and Ang;e nails Edge. Overheard belly to belly by Haas. Some kind of crazy double team move by Team Angle gets two. Haas in to beat on Edge and cheapshot Benoit. Flapjack sets up the Haas of Pain (I’ll describe next week if I’m more awake), broken up by Benoit. Tag to Benjmanin, who misses a spinkick and gets faceplanted. Hot tags by both and Benoit lights up Team Angle. Germans for both rookies. Snap suplex for Benjamin sets up the Adamantium Skull Headbutt for two, broken by haas, who gets nailed with an Edge clothelsine.Stereo rolling Germans by the new Team Canada. Benoit gets the Crossface on Benjamin and Edge spears Haas away from the breakup, then Angle nails enoit with the belt, drawing the DQ.

Winners: Chris Benoit and Edge by disqualification (7:10)

After the match, Angle decimates Benoit and Edge with his crutches, then grabs the ring announcer and starts screaming “WHO WON?! WHO WON?!” He forces the announcer to announce Team Angle as the winners.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Heyman in the ring, does his bit. I’m getting more and more tired as the show wears on, so I apologize for the progressing crappiness of the recap. The Big Show come sout after Heyman intoduces him. Heyman challenges Brock to fight the Big Show for a spot in the Rumble.

Brock comes down and gets nailed form behind by Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore and Brock is just GUSHING blood from the back of his head. Seriously, his whole head is bright red. He chases the heels off anyway, somehow, in a sloppy bit. Matt Hardy looked genuinely horrified at the amount of blood.

Ah, live television.

Commercial break… creepy promo for Nathan Jones., a big Aussie sumbitch, from what I understand.

And we’re back. Brock accepted the challenge to face Show at the Rumble for a spot in the Rumble itself.

Nunzio (w/Jamie Noble and Nidia) vs. Crash: Josh does the ring announcing because Team Angle squished the regular announcer.

Crash starts with a cross body from the top for two. Backslide gets two. Nunzio clothelsines him down and works the arm. Nunzio gets dumped but comes back in and focuses on the arm. Arm breaker gets two. Roll up by Crash. He goes for his bulldog but Nunzio counteres with a tornado arm breaker for the win.

Winner: Nunzio by pinfall (2:00)

They show a cool graphic comparing Brock and Matt Hardy. They’re next, you see, and Brock’s got seventy pounds on Hardy. Also, Brock’s winning the Royal Rumble and Matt isn’t, so there you go.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Brock Lesnar vs. Matt Hardy “Version One” (with Shannon Moore.: Brock’s in civvies. Something tells me this isn’t going to last long. Brock’s still bleeding.

Shannon Moore attacks and gets tossed. Matt gets whipped hard to the corner and Brock hits a rib breaker, then literally kicks him around the ring. Overhead belly to belly. Brock wipes his own blood onto his hand and slaps Matt with it. Lesnar chokes Matt on the… er… mat. Brock Oklahoma slams Matt to the turnbuckle. Clothesline by Brock. Another slam to the corner and Brock stomps away. Moor comes in, gets tossed. Matt clips the leg and hits a neckbreaker drop. Northern Lights suplex by Brock. F5 to Moore, then Matt hits the Twist of Fate (!) for two., the gets F5ed for the win.

Winner: Brock Lesnar (4:30)

Heyman and Show appear atop the ramp. Staredown to close. Brock is covered in his own blood. Another F5 to Hardy, just because, I guess.

Another new feature, kids: Match Breakdown.

John Cena (w/B2) vs. Rikishi: I thought it was okay, and why? No Stinkface. That’s why.
Chuck Palumbo vs. Bill DeMott: Blah. DeMott’s got one impressive move and he didn’t use it, so the hell with him.
WWE Tag Team Champion Eddie Guerrero (w/WWE Tag Team Champion Chavo Guerrero) vs. WWE Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman: The match of the night even with for the shenanigans mid-match. If they can shunt B2 into a meaningless and low profile feud with Rikishi and throw Cena in the mix with Kidman, Guerreroes, et al., I’ll be more than happy.
Team Angle vs. Chris Benoit & Edge: I get the sense it could have been vastly better, and I really feared for Charlie Haas’ life when Edge was doing those rolling Germans. But nice work for a debut match.
Nunzio vs. Crash: Was certainly there, wasn’t it?
Brock Lesanr vs. Matt Hardy: Well, they’re certainly sticking with Brock as the unstoppable beast from Hell at least. I couldn’t believe Matt hit the ToF.

Thanks for reading. See you next week.