By The Book: WWE Night Of Champions 2009 Preview

Intro: I’m here, I hit deer, I share peer to peer, my shirt is silk and sheer, get used to it. My name is Dan and I love previewing WWE PPV’s more than life itself and I would rather do this than perform a triple sow cow at the Commonwealth Games. I used to do previews on the amateur level but I recently went pro. Czonka’s original gimmick for me was a robot that malfunctioned when Hillary Duff’s music played and I would then molest my readers but I told him, “no… I have too much journalistic integrity for that sir!” We went back and forth in different directions and ultimately ended up with By The Book. You see, I love the art of booking wrestling and pointing out how terribly others that get paid for it can screw it up so that is how I will approach this article. Buckle up and sit back because PPV’s just got a hot beef injection of Diesel Power! Toot toot.

The Card: Here is what the WWE thinks we want to see the most right now:

• John Cena vs Triple H vs Randy Orton © – Triple Threat Match – WWE Championship
• Jeff Hardy vs CM Punk © – World Championship
• Christian vs Tommy Dreamer © – ECW World Championship
• Chris Jericho and Mystery Partner © vs Legacy (Rhodes & Debiase) – Unified Tag Team Championship
• Dolph Ziggler vs Rey Mysterio © – Intercontinental Championship
• Maryse © vs Mickie James – WWE Divas Champion
• Kofi Kingston © vs Big Show vs Miz vs Carlito vs MVP vs Jack Swagger – 6 Pack Challenge – US Title
• Michelle McCool © vs Melina – WWE Women’s Championship

The Rant: !!!WRONG!!!!!

• Orton and Triple H can seriously jump off a bridge ! Still with me? I know you are. That was a safe one because everyone is tired of these two. Backstage politics aside, everyone knows this main event scene on Raw has more “repeats” in it than a What’s Happening marathon. I honestly don’t even want to see Triple H wrestle ANYONE anymore. Yo shit’s weak old man.

• Jeff and Punk will be coolio but these “strangers in paradise” (get it) need a spot fest match to blow off their feud and move on. Drugs aren’t cool with PG advertisers Vince you confused old fool.

• Why did Jericho and Rey’s feud end so abruptly? It was actually going well but for some reason this is the “dropped cold turkey” feud of the month. Then again “who is Jericho’s partner” is the only reason people are talking about this show.

• Edge got hurt so the WWE hotshot booking burnt them back times 10. My voodoo doll worked perfectly. I mean action figure… I don’t play with dolls!

• The IWC likes Dolph but really… I would pay to see so many other guys on PPV more than him. To be honest, I don’t think anyone pays to see any one performer though and I’m talking to you Flair and Hogan.

• I really don’t care about either Woman’s title… these girls are so interchangeable right now I would use them to cut my cookies if I wasn’t so sure I would get herpes from eating their chocolate chips.

• Breaking up the Colons? Where they two “tag teamy” for you WWE?

• The US Title 6 Pack Challenge was “slapped together” worse than the Jackson 5 at a rehearsal.

• Lastly, why wasn’t Christian traded to a “big boy” brand in that huge trade a few weeks ago? What is left for him in the “Bland of Extreme” after the trade?

• I’d say there are definitely more misses then hits on paper for this PPV but let’s get down to business.

The Rundown: Here is where I “break it down”…

Intercontinental Championship Match – Rey Mysterio (Champ) vs Dolph Ziggler

Background: So Rey and Jericho are having this awesome feud and…wait what? The guy that introduces himself to everyone for a year has just been dropped into the feud and Jericho is tag champ in the span of one Smackdown episode? OK so you people think Kerwin White’s caddy… I mean one of the backup dancers in the Spirit Squad… I mean Dolph Ziggler is rising up the rankings and I actually have to admit his work rate and finisher have some of the aging roster beat but he is pretty generic, no? I mean take a look at his debut… and I mean his real debut…

I’m just choked because I’m not done with Rey and Jericho yet. Anyway, Rey gains the IC title back from Jericho and thwarts his underhanded tactics. Great match between these rivals on Smackdown followed by a post match beat down from young Ziggler that sets up the title defense at NOC.

What to Expect: Its proving ground time for Dolph Bag and he has a great measuring stick as Rey can carry and be carried to great matches on grand stages. I’d say we are going to see some serious heel tactics from Ziggle Bear and Rey Rey will get beat down but not out for the majority of the match. Think Rey vs Matt Hardy from WrestleMania X9. This one will be so-so but Dolph will be at the top of his game because all eyes in the back will be on him and he knows it. Also Maria and Dolph is a developing story that I’m interested in perhaps.

Outcome: Are they seriously going to put a belt that has gone from Punk to JBL to Rey to Jericho back to Rey (i.e. respectable men) back on a noobish noob like Dolphin? If I was booking: hell to the no. Rey wins but the Dolph of Mexico (note: cool name for these two if they tag) looks strong so he is hopefully elevated in this match. Since the WWE, Steph and Vince book this crapolla, I’m seeing gold in Dolph Machio’s future for one simple fact: he is even in this match in the first place and gets wins over blue chippers like Morrison for goodness sake. This uber-push means his voodoo doctor (probably Shango) has everyone backstage pulling for him hard and I’ve seen lesser men get an IC title run during weaker pushes. But I’m not done… there is one, fouler beast that could book this match…

Ladies and Gentlemen…please avert your eyes and hide from… Stephroosty!

When the gates of hell opened and the local bingo hall on Flame Avenue and Brimstone Lane puts on a wrasslin’ show, Stephroosty books the worst possible wrestling you will ever see. Immoral IWC members that end up in Hell are forced to sit through 6 hour shows where Zack Gowan finger poke of dooms Van Hammer only for the match to be restarted because the referee was actually just a jar of pickles. The demon spawn of Stephanie McMahon, Vince Russo and Dusty Rhodes was banished to hell but this creature may return from time to time and insert booking ideas into our favourite sport.

You’ve been warned…

And we’re back. OK so if Stephroosty wanted to book this thing, for sure Dolph is winning it but Dolph isn’t just winning the match…Dolph is becoming Mexican heritage (at least how the WWE and TNA see it) personified! Dolph will be the one that handily unmasks Rey and even begins wearing the prestigious headpiece. Also Dolph will drive to the ring in a low rider and actually use Eddie’s music as a blatant and distasteful rip-off. Dolphito Burrito (his new moniker) will have a posse of lucha henchmen accompany him to the ring as they all drive on riding lawn mowers and donkeys. Lastly, he will be the next superstar to get a customized belt except he will have his belt implanted into a piñata for safe keeping. Viva La Dolphito!

WWE Unified Tag Championship Match –Chris Jericho & Mystery Partner (Champs) vs Legacy

Background: For absolutely no reason at all (in my opinion), Vince McMahon told Teddy Long to spice things up or get fired so last month, T’Lo took his two main heels and threw them together as a tag team in a Unified Tag Titles match. Of course they won as all impromptu contenders do when bookers come up with this hotshot crap and we get Jericho and Edge: Tag Champs. Ted Debiase Sr, “purchased” the opportunity to be a guest host on Raw and granted his son’s tag team, Legacy, a shot against the champs at Night of Champions. But then this happened:

After sacrificing his body (and getting injured numerous times before hand), Edge falls victim to a very serious tendon injury that will shelve our famed villain for up to a year. Jericho has turned on Edge and has declared that he will find a much better partner to represent the tag titles at his side but he won’t say who.

What to Expect: These mystery matches are way less about the match and way more about the story. I get the feeling the match itself won’t be much and the real importance of this bout will be who Jericho gets as a partner. Without knowing the combatants though, I can’t determine how the match will go.

Outcome: So there are so many rumors and predictions about this it is kind of scary as the WWE seems to have done something right here by building suspense and mystery. Many people think either Debiase or Rhodes will turn on their respective partner in a move reminiscent of last year. Others think Jericho will be joined by fellow jerks Dolph, Miz or even Christian. If it was me, I think the WWE has stumbled upon a gold mine in finding a way to get Jericho on more than one show per week through holding a cross brand title so he keeps the gold in my world. I would give him Shelton Benjamin as a partner and allow him a chance to finally be a real deal heel. Jericho and Benjamin running wild on all the brands would be tight and give us a break from old news feuds all the time. Since the WWE is booking, I bet Debiase turns on Rhodes and gives him and Randy a taste of their own medicine. Then Debiase is out of Evolution and they add Carlito or something to their jobber stable. If Stephroosty booked it, the mystery partner wouldn’t even come out. Jericho would continue to get beaten down by Legacy, calling for his partner, until finally, “Break The Walls Down” blares through the arena and the impostor Jericho (Kendrick in a Jericho costume) comes down and super-kicks the crap out of his “spitting image” to give Legacy the cheap win.

WWE Divas Championship Match – Maryse (Champ) vs Mickie James

Background: So Maryse is French and really attractive right? She has this tramp stamp on her belt and legitimate woman’s wrestler Mickie James wants the tramp stamp belt for herself. She used to wrestle Trish Stratus and Lita so she remembers what it was like to have woman’s wrestling mean something and blah blah more IWC complaints from smarky Dan. Je ne peau pas su t’aime we ne pas oiu juex dui je m’apple… oh I’m sorry I just slipped into French there… it happens to us Canadians all the time apparently. So Mickie James won an opportunity to face off against Maryse (who has been the object of The Miz’s desire recently) and they will hopefully not botch their way through a short Raw woman’s title match.

What to Expect: These two are perhaps some of the most competent woman’s wrestler’s on Raw and with Beth and Gail also rocking the red colors, I’d say the tramp stamp is the more prestigious belt all of the sudden. I’m going to make it clear here that I don’t care for woman’s wrestling at the moment and for the most part don’t expect much from this match in comparison to the others on the card just because the talent on this side of the roster botches more than their share of the moves. Across the ocean, others take botched moves a little more seriously as such…

Ouch! No I don’t want our Raw beauties to worry about that but let’s focus on technique and telling stories as opposed to flying head scissors that end up reminding us all that this can seem like choreographed men and women in tights basically dance fighting at times.

Outcome: Since this is the more prestigious lady-belt, then it matters who wears it in my eyes. If I were booking, I’d say Mickie needs to get the gold, promote the fact that she is the first to wear both belts and feud with Beth and Gail to really drive home the quality that woman’s wrestling can bring to a show. I’d also pair Maryse with the Miz and make a good heel power couple straight from Hollywood like “Spidey” or whatever they are called. Since the WWE creative team is booking, it means the hottest girl wins and we will see Maryse vs Kelly Kelly in no time. The red headed step child known as Stephroosty would do a reverse Santina and make sure Maryse held onto the title only so she could start dressing like a man and competing against other dudes while “he” fought under the name Marcus Cor Man. “He” would use Rikishi’s “Stinkface” as “his” finisher but “his” opponents would all question their sexuality afterwards because they all loved taking the move so much.

US Championship Match – Six Pack Challenge – Kofi Kingston (Champ) vs MVP, Swagger, MIZ, Big Show & Carlito

Background: Kofi won the title from MVP several moons ago in a great Raw match in which many of us felt that this was the launch pad of MVP into the Main Event scene and a resurgence of Kofi. Then Kofi started feuding with the entire mid-card for no apparent reason and we get Kofi vs MVP, Matt Hardy and Regal. OK I guess… no time for a proper storyline build but next month will be different. Then Big Show takes out Evan Bourne, Carlito turns on his brother, Miz feuds and loses to Cena, MVP and Swagger start beating each other and then ZZ Top tells us they are all fighting for the US Title in 6 days. I need to stop eating old sausage before I go to bed because I have strange dreams.

What to Expect: Umm… a ton of spots, maybe even a festival of spots if you will. MVP and Swagger will definitely throw down based on their recent animosity. The Big Show will likely lock in a Camel Clutch at which point in time I will grab a beer and I wouldn’t be surprised to see Primo run down and mix it up with his terrible brother Buckwheat Caribbean Cool.

Outcome: Kofi is just being built in my eyes and hasn’t even had one singles feud yet. Why does everyone gang up on the Jamaican? If I’m booking this thing, The Miz costs Show the match and they actually build a feud out of the back-story involving both of them and Cena from the last few months instead of just forgetting it. Carlito and Primo come out feuding stronger than ever as do MVP and Swagger. Kofi wins by the skin of his teeth because he capitalizes on the budding feuds around him. Since it’s the WWE, I bet Swagger wins simply so he can be The All American US Champ. If Stephroosty sneezed out a booking sheet, The Big Show would injury every competitor just like he did to Evan Bourne and cut a promo on Cena because he isn’t done with him yet. Then he would eat the US Title and fall off the top of the arena only to interfere in the main event of the show an hour later.

Women’s Championship Match – Michelle McCool (Champ) vs Melina

Background: Melina and Michelle McCool… no you know what? The WWE didn’t care to even give this a back-story so why should I attempt to make one up? Melina threw make-up in Michelle McCool’s face so now she has a title shot. I bet that is how they wrote this one. Vince was like, “damn it, make up a story line for the woman’s title” and the writers were like “that’s it… make-up!”

What to Expect: A short Botchamania bound affair where the entrances are longer and more planned out then the build and the finish of the match. Melina may or may not use the ability to do the splits awkwardly to her advantage.

Outcome: Exaggerated sigh! If I’m booking this, it’s a unification match for both woman’s titles and the winner will get to defend the belt on either brand. Mickey James wins. Since the WWE is booking it, Michelle McCool will win because they like her right now for some reason. If Stephroosty was booking this, it would make a credible wrestler dress like a woman and act like we don’t realize he is forgoing his chance for a long and illustrious career for a short term sum of money and promises that he will have said career.

ECW Championship Match – Tommy Dreamer (Champ) vs Christian

Background: Following that sick 15 person trade a few weeks back, The Innovator of Violence, He’s Hardcore, Tommy F’n Dreamer and Captain Charisma, The Instant Classic, Creepy Little Bastard, Christian (see Cage) are pretty much the only two left in ECW that were there last month. Don’t tell me this is a bad thing though because ECW is supposed to be a breeding ground for the future and new faces are getting exposure now all over because of it. Anyway, Kozlov and Regal are in the mix but Christian won his chance to compete for the gold so we are continuing on with this face v face feud for likely the last time on PPV.

What to Expect: I’d say a little fist-a-cuffs, a little brawling, a little exchange of punches, maybe a little clothesline action and some ddts. I mean come on, its Dreamer people. I like him as much as the next guy but its brawling and a few spots. Christian adapts and we are going to get 3 stars. If Kozlov and Regal get involved, I wouldn’t be surprised as I see one or the other being programmed with the winner for The Slam (probably what they will be renaming next month’s PPV at this rate because they don’t want to offend seasonalists).

Outcome: Who’s walking away with the big grey belt? My money is on… Uncle Tommy. If I was booking this beast, well I’d give the nod to my boy Rage Cage because he is really neato and truthfully would put on a better match at The Slam with Kozlov or Regal then Dreamer. Actually, I would have Christian on Smackdown or Raw at this point but that is another point. Since WWE is booking this S-Bomb, I’d say Dream Street’s getting this one because they gave him the belt not long ago, they may have a plan (I doubt it too) and truth be told, I can’t see Vince actually liking Christian after deserting him for TNA and he probably just put the belt on him to pop interest for a few weeks but had no intent to give him a real reign. Then there is the crap factory I know as Stephroosty who would probably announce prior to the match that Abraham Washington in now the ECW GM. He would then perform commentary on the match with a microphone so we could all hear his crappy jokes throughout the entire match duration. Then just as Dreamer plants Christian with a ddt, the Bella twins would come in and botch a double team ddt on Dreamer, cover absolutely nothing while Washington counts a two count and declares both of them the co-ECW champions. Actually I don’t think I would care about that. New ECW GM! YA!

World Championship Match – CM Punk (Champ) vs Jeff Hardy

Background: Punk and Jeff have been rolling for a while now and I think even Jack Swagger’s speech therapist can see where this one is going. Punk’s Straightedge persona is the antithesis to Jeff’s “druggy” ways but for some reason the PG audience is being led to cheer for the stoner and boo the guy that believes in hard work and perseverance…

With that head scratching out of the way, at least we all love the idea of refreshing Punk and getting him back to his asshole ROH ways so I’m on board and Punk’s promos have been bang on with the slow burn while Hardy plays his classic role of chasing the brass ring and falling short. Punk’s been selling a fake eye injury and taking a page from Jericho’s recent play book which is simply being honest with the fans but employing a bitter twist on his delivery.

What To Expect: Both guys can give ‘er and although story telling isn’t as much Jeff’s bag as a typical WWE main-eventer, he has serious empathy and the ability to live and die in front of millions which we all pay to see from time to time. I feel like there will be a clear winner in this as Punk can’t keep pulling out cheap DQ wins but it isn’t like Jeff can just get beat by the arrogant bully either. Both will hit lots of offense for sure and the fans will enjoy this one.

Outcome: I’m thinking that Punk’s heel turn requires the title to compliment the character and I feel like he needs it for longer to keep him strong so I’m not seeing the belt change hands this night. If I booked it, I’d have made this a spot fest match to blow it off and had newly switched Matt Hardy cost his brother the title one more time to rekindle that bad boy feud. I’m not sure who Punk’s challengers are for the rest of the summer but Morrison and Rey look strong. Oh and there is this guy called the Undertaker who I’ve heard is cool and stuff. Since the WWE gets to book this, they will probably still put over Punk due to a lame underhanded dq or something to perpetuate the “poor Jeff can’t catch a brake” plot line but I doubt anyone gets involved and they may draw this one out another month. If Jeff’s former dealer accidentally let his meth lab blow up and all the chemicals amalgamated to form Stephroosty, I’d say this beast would have Vince come down, tell Teddy Long to spice up the main event or else he will be fired to which T’Lo will make it a Punjabi Prison Match also including The Great Khali with Kane as the guest referee and Kane would somehow count himself the winner and take home the gold. Kane would then burn the title revealing that it is where Punk kept his secret stash of “drugs” and he would be labeled a hypocrite and thus… the ultimate heel.

WWE Championship Match – Randy Orton (Champ) vs Triple H vs John Cena

Background: Ready for something fresh and new? Well go sniff a baby! Actually don’t, that’s how I ended up getting banned from all hospitals and playgrounds. It’s very serious and I need help. Just kidding. Ya so these three no names are going to mix it up for the 567,896,543th time. Truthfully if Orton and Triple H even look at each other again I may throw my remote through my new plasma TV. Luckily Cena’s never fought them before so that should be good. OK I’m done with the sarcasm. Seriously Cena fought Triple H at the same event for the same title last year. So Orton and Triple H’s feud is well documented and needing of a blow off desperately. They hate each other furiously, stemming from their protégée-like relationship that began in the days of Evolution. A mini-tournament was held in which Cena and Triple H emerged as finalists to crown a number 1 contender but Legacy interfered and ruined the whole shebang. Also MVP was buried like a dead hooker in Jersey. Guest host (ya what?) Ted Debiase Sr. decided that was dumb and turned the PPV title match into this three way dance that we are blessed with now. Cena was feuding with Big Show and The Miz in the past few months but now has his eyes set on the WWE Title once again.

What to Expect: I’d say this bad boy is going to get a decent amount of time and the story of the match is going to be Triple H trying to get his hands on Orton while Cena’s just trying to win the damn thing. This “two faces vs one heel” mentality usually lasts about 5 minutes as Triple H will get upset and attack Cena as well which will break out into an all out brawl. There will be lots of guys taking a bump and spending like 5 minutes “recovering” outside of the ring while the other two basically have a singles match and everyone’s signature moves are going to pop up sporadically and often. Still, these guys define the “main event American style” and if you like that then this will be a match for you.

I love this video of Orton by the way:

Outcome: If I’m booking this thing, no Cena doesn’t turn heel (that needs to be the end of a huge story line people), but I’d just say that Cena costs Triple H the belt as Orton sneaks away with it through using his cunning viper like abilities to strike when his opponents are weak. Since the WWE is booking it, I’d say that Orton still retains but continues to be made to look like a pussy and a paper champion by having his unconscious body literally fall on top of someone for the pin or something. If the bearded-bitch-cow, Stephroosty booked it, I’d say Teddy Long comes out and explains that since Smackdown lost Edge, the loser of the match will be drafted to Smackdown. This actually sounds not terrible because it could fill in a hole that Edge left and get one for these main eventers off of Raw but when Orton loses by DQ and takes the belt with him, then it just causes confusion as both titles are on Smackdown. Damn it Stephroosty I hate all the brand shifting of the belts!

Conclusion: So there you have it. Night of Champions has several matches that seemed to materialize out of nowhere and the only one that people seem to be buzzing about is Jericho and his new tag partner. I hope the matches are good because there are some strong match-ups on paper but with the weaker story lines coming in, I think I might catch up on my Super Model dating this weekend instead of watching the PPV. It’s a toss-up really. Until next time and remember: don’t flame the writer, flame yourself.