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Cook’s Top 7 Inanimate Objects in Wrestling

June 9, 2019 | Posted by Steve Cook
Mr Socko Mankind Mick Foley

Many fans were disappointed when Brock Lesnar came down at the end of the Money in the Bank ladder match & won the right to face either the WWE or Universal Champion at a time of his choosing. Brock was a big surprise, but not every surprise is a welcome one.

Surprisingly, Brock’s return has been well received by many. Mostly due to the fact that when he shows up, it’s a Brock Party.

Sometimes, it takes an inanimate object to freshen things up. This seems like a good time to take a look at wrestling’s most magnificent inanimate objects, right?

7. Francesca the Trombone

The most interesting thing about watching the New Day’s run has been seeing what kind of ridiculous stuff they would do from week to week. They got a certain amount of creative freedom and used every inch of it. Nobody told Xavier Woods to start playing a trombone, but once he started the people just couldn’t get enough.

Who would have thought that seventh-grade band class would pay off the way it has for Xavier Woods?

6. Daryl Takahashi

Hiromu Takahashi didn’t take losing the NJPW Junior Heavyweight Championship very well. Unlike his buddy Tetsuya Naito, who typically throws title belts around the building, Takahashi was emotionally attached to his belt. He was so depressed over losing the strap that he enlisted the help of an emotional support cat. Well, it was a stuffed emotional support cat, but don’t tell Takahashi or the New Japan fans that.

Daryl eventually had a son, Daryl Jr., that made some appearances with Hiromu. Daryl Sr. wasn’t quite the same after a hideous attack from Bad Luck Fale.

Don’t you just love professional wrestling?

5. Head

Jon Moxley isn’t the first professional wrestler to grow irritated & frustrated while working for WWE. I would say Mox’s creative issues paled in comparison to what Al Snow had to deal with in the mid-1990s. After working his butt off for over a decade to get to the world’s largest wrestling company, Snow found himself at the mercy of the writers. He received some of the worst gimmickry of all time, first as a masked wrestler that took his mask off before matches, then as Marty Jannetty’s goofy tag partner.

It was understandable that he would start talking to a mannequin head when he went down to ECW. Snow got Head, Head got over, and the rest was history.

I can’t believe that I’ve written about Al Snow two weeks in a row in 2019.

4. Ladder

Ladders have been an integral part of wrestling since the Ladder match was popularized in the mid-1990s. Its hard to imagine the genre without them now. One ladder stands above the rest though, and that would be Ladder. Ladder was a three-time DDT Pro Ironman Heavymetalweight Champion before settling into retirement.

3. Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s 2X4

Hacksaw was a simple man. He was a tough guy that loved America & beat people up for a living. It made sense that he would utilize the simplest weapon he could find: a big piece of wood.

The origin story was as plain as you would expect. Duggan had some problems getting to the locker room due to unruly fans. This happened a lot back in the day. Bruiser Brody suggested that he bring a weapon with him. There was a board lying around, and Hacksaw never left the locker room without one again.

2. Jim Cornette’s Tennis Racket

I don’t know what it was about wrestling managers always needing something in their hands. Fred Blassie & Mr. Fuji had canes because of their bad knees. Jimmy Hart had a megaphone to amplify his voice. Paul Bearer had an urn because he was a mortician, and Paul E. Dangerously had his cell phone to call his parents when he got into trouble.

Jim Cornette had a tennis racket. I don’t know how good his tennis game was, but I’m pretty sure his racket hit more humans than tennis balls. Of all the objects managers brought down to the ring to help lead their charges to victory, I have to rate the tennis racket above them all.

1. Mr. Socko

Poor Mr. McMahon was laid up in a hospital bed thanks to Undertaker smashing his ankle with the ring steps. Mankind wanted to make his father figure feel better, so he paid Vince a visit. He had balloons, candy & Yurple the Clown to make McMahon’s day brighter. He also had a sock puppet.

Nobody was expecting that crazy Mankind to put a sock on his hand and do a horrible ventriloquist act. That’s why it got over. It was so popular that Mankind had to keep Socko in his act, and the best way to do so was to use him to apply the Mandible Claw.

Mick Foley did so many crazy things during his career that it’s funny to think a sock puppet ranks among the things people remember him most for. Life works in mysterious ways.

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Steve Cook