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Csonka’s Impact Wrestling Review 5.11.17

May 11, 2017 | Posted by Larry Csonka
Alberto El Patron
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Csonka’s Impact Wrestling Review 5.11.17  

Csonka’s Impact Wrestling Review 5.11.17

– Andrew Everett defeated Desmond Xavier, Caleb Konley, and Matt Sydal @ 6:45 via pin [**¾]
– Garza Jr & Laredo Kid defeated Hakim Zane & Idris Abraham @ 3:20 via pin [**]
– Laurel Van Mess defeated Ava Storie @ 1:25 via pin [NR]
Impact Grand Championship Match: Champion Moose defeated Marshe Rockett via RD2 pin [*]
– Alisha Edwards defeated Angelina Love @ 2:11 via DQ [NR]
GFW Title Match: Alberto El Patron defeated Champion Magnus @ 14:50 via submission [**½]

– We get highlights from last week’s show.

– We’re kicking off with a match again this week, which I greatly approve of.

Andrew Everett vs. Desmond Xavier vs. Caleb Konley vs. Matt Sydal: Sonjay Dutt was supposed to be in this match, but he’s still recovering from Low Ki nearly destroying his eye a couple of weeks ago. The all brawl right away, with everyone hitting RANAS. Really nice pacing to begin, everyone goes for rollups and then Sydal and Konley lock in submissions. They then got back to action, Sydal and Everett work back and forth, and then Sydal takes out Konley and Xavier. Sydal up top, but Xavier cuts him off; Konley then tosses Sydal onto Xavier, hits the basement dropkick. Xavier hits a superkick on Everett, allowing Konley to hit a moonsault for 2 and everyone is down. Xavier works over Sydal with kicks, they then trade kicks and Everett flies in with a missile dropkick to both. Everett then wipes out Konley & Sydal with a dive. Xavier then says fuck your dive and hits a Sasuke special. Back in, Sydal pulls Xavier to the floor and hits meteora on Everett for the near fall. Konley returns, hits a cradle suplex and then Xavier flies in and hits a splash for 2. RANA by Sydal, but Xavier lands on his feet, but Everett catches him with the FrankenDriver for the win. Andrew Everett defeated Desmond Xavier, Caleb Konley, and Matt Sydal @ 6:45 via pin [**¾] This was a pretty good opener overall, with some great energy. They worked the fast paced, throw everything at the wall style match, but it came across as a bit too disjointed to me and never quite locked into a cohesive flow. If your going to go out there and just go wild for 6-7 minutes, you really need to go all out and make sure it’s smooth. The good news is that it was an overall fun way to kick off the show, although the finish fells off after giving Sydal two huge wins right off the bat. It will work if they actually follow up on the Everett win. The division has some new faces and life, which I love, I just wish we could get away from all of the multi-man matches; every time they tease breaking away from them, they jump right back in.

– Borash is back with his signs to harass Mathews. Joy.

– EC3 arrives earlier today, calling Storm a coward. He promises that tonight, we will see the cowboy.

– We get another of those horrendous KM segments; this time he harasses a pizza guy. These things are horribly acted and do nothing to make me care about the character.

EC3 Plays Dress Up: “James Storm” makes his way to the ring, but it’s really EC3 dressed in a ridiculous cowboy costume. EC3 talks with an exaggerated southern accent, hits on the ladies and then calls Storm a coward again before telling him that this town ain’t big enough for the two of them. He then sings a song he wrote for Storm, to the tune of Friends in Low Places. EC3 got a disturbing lack of reaction for this: it felt like it died an absolute death. Storm then arrived, they brawled and Storm laid the boots to him. EC3 tried to run, but Storm cut him off but EC3 fought back, using one of his boots to attack Storm. EC3 then handcuffed Storm to the ropes. He ripped off Storm’s shirt, and then whipped him with a belt. It appeared to suck a lot. Security goofs finally made the save, so EC3 whipped the shit out of one of them for tripping him up. Storm’s back looks like hell. The first half of this was absolutely horrible, it just didn’t work and the crowd just didn’t react to it at all. I get what they tried to do there, but it was just no good. The brawl and beat down segment was well done, EC3’s beat down on Storm was absolutely brutal (respect to Storm for taking that beating with the strap) and it should in theory build to a big time stipulation match between the two.

– Borash continued to harass Mathews.

– There will be a tournament for the GFW tag team titles, but got no real details because they were too busy with the Borash/Mathews shenanigans.

Garza Jr & Laredo Kid vs. Hakim Zane & Idris Abraham: Zane and Laredo Kid started things off, they worked a quick back and forth with Laredo Kid hitting a RANA to take control. Garza tags in, they hit a doomsday dropkick on Zane and then follow with double teams. Abraham breaks it up, and works over Garza. He fights off both, slams them together and then takes the time to rip off his tear away pants. Abraham picked up the pace, allowing he and Zane to take control for a short time, but Garza cuts them off, powerbombing Abraham onto Zane; Laredo Kid hits the 450 for the win. Garza Jr & Laredo Kid defeated Hakim Zane & Idris Abraham @ 3:20 via pin [**] The action was ok here, but the layout was completely wrong. I have no idea why Zane and Abraham got in so much offense; Garza Jr & Laredo Kid had been previously featured before losing their attempt to win the Impact tag titles. They should have really just ran through all of their cool looking offense here, winning an easy and quick showcase match. Not everyone has to get their shit in, especially not guys like Zane and Abraham who will be enhancement and Xplosion workers at best.

Laurel Van Mess vs. Ava Storie: Kongo Kong is out with LVM. LVM attacks, hits a spear and screams like a crazy lady as she bets on Storie. Yes, LVM is wrestling on her skuzzy wedding dress. LVM then hits her curb stomp and win. Laurel Van Mess defeated Ava Storie @ 1:25 via pin [NR] SQUASH.

– Laurel and Kongo Kong make a lovely couple.

– We get another video package for the Spud vs. Swoggle feud. Spud didn’t mean to pull his pants down. Yup.

LAX’s Funeral For Decay: LAX arrives in their pimped out ride, with some of them (but not Konnan) wearing day of the dead style face paint. Konnan says this is hard to do, but then says he was kidding and demands they spill out the ashes in the ring; Rosemary watches on from the rafters. Konnan then runs down “them boys” for sending Decay after them. They out a clown in a coma and another dude eating out of a tube. They will double up and win the GFW tag titles, because this is all about Latino empowerment. This country is like this company, filled with broken promises. Some fan is waving an American flag, and this pisses off Konnan, who threatens the fan. This brings out the Veterans of War (Mayweather & Wilcox) to save the day. AMERICAAAAA… FUCK YEAH! This led to the big brawl, with the Veterans of War clearing the ring. Solid segment here, with LAX properly taking credit for the demise of Decay and also giving them a proper write off. It also gives us an angle between LAX & the Veterans of War heading into the GFW tag tournament.

Impact Grand Championship Match: Champion Moose vs. Marshe Rockett: So Rockett is getting a chance at the title because he challenged Moose on social media. Really? I guess that one win on Xplosion got him over with the championship committee. Rockett attacked right away, and then avoided the game changer and hit the dropkick. Rockett controlled early, but made the mistake of slapping Moose. Rockett up top, but Moose dropkicks him to the floor. Rockett back in and Moose works him over with head butts, sending Rockett back to the floor. Moose wins round one 30-27. Round two begins and Rockett is aggressive to begin, but Moose powerbombs him and hits the running senton. Big chokeslam by Moose and that is that. Champion Moose defeated Marshe Rockett via RD2 pin [*] This was a great and dominating win for Moose, but Rockett basically got nothing in. They could have at least given him a flurry before the loss. This wasn’t good.

– Post match, Tyrus arrives. IT’S a TRAP as Eli Drake attacks from behind. They beat down Moose, and Chris Adonis arrives and locks in the masterlock. Drake then beats on Moose with chair shots. I suppose this sets up Drake for another title shot so that he can lose again (unfortunately).

– More Mathews/Borash bullshit.

– Dutch Mantell announces that next week, Ultimate X returns, featuring Lee, Everett & Low Ki. So Sydal’s wins over Lee & Edwards meant nothing then?

– We get highlights of Richards taking out Edwards last week. That was to write out Edwards due to his knee injury.

Alisha Edwards w/Eddie Edwards vs. Angelina Love w/Davey Richards: Edwards rushes the ring and they brawl to the floor. Back in and Love cuts off Edwards with a clothesline. Love works curb stomps, but misses the knee strike and Edwards hits a future shock DDT. Richards distracts the ref, Edwards kicks him to he floor. Love then KOs Edwards with a chain. Alisha Edwards defeated Angelina Love @ 2:11 via DQ [NR] Not a good match, but the result makes sense to keep the feud going. The post match attack was good though.

– Richards takes out Eddie post match, attacking the injured knee with the crutch.

– We get highlights of Magnus defeating Morgan last week.

GFW Title Match: Champion Magnus vs. Alberto el Patron: They brawl to begin, but Patron gets the arm bar in the ropes and then breaks and follows with a clothesline and kicks. The basement dropkick follows, but Magnus cuts off Patron with a suplex. A belly to back suplex follows, and Magnus then grounds Patron with a chinlock. Patron then hits a suplex and they work to the floor, with Patron hitting a clothesline and then slamming Magnus to the post. Patron up top and hits the strike off the top back in the ring for 2. Magnus fights back, heads up top but Patron follows him up and they battle for position and then tumble to the floor. Post break, they trade strikes and Magnus rakes the eyes but Patron hits a clothesline. Patron then hits the enziguri for 2. Magnus then hits the Michinoku driver, heads up top and hit the elbow drop and that gets 2. Patron fights off the cloverleaf, and they brawl to the floor, where Magnus hits a suplex onto the ramp. Patron beats the count, but Magnus attacks right away but Patron hits the back stabber and locks in the arm bar. Magnus fights, and manages to make the ropes. They work back to the floor, where Patron continues to attack the arm. Back in and Patron heads up top and leaps into an uppercut, allowing Magnus to lock in the cloverleaf. Patron makes the ropes, hits the arm attack and then a superkick for 2. Magnus then clips out the knee of Patron, they work up top as Magnus looks for a superplex, but Patron fights him off and misses the double stomp. Patron sells the knee, allowing Magus to hit a clothesline and then a powerbomb. Patron then snatches Magnus in the arm bar, and he taps; we have a new champion. Alberto El Patron defeated Champion Magnus @ 14:50 via submission [**½] This was completely lifeless until the final few minutes, but even then it wasn’t like it was so spectacular that it made this a good or must see match. For the most part, this completely lacked any real drama or sense of urgency from the guys. They had a chance to impress, but failed to do so here.

– End scene.

– Thanks for reading.

 photo fe36ffd0-0da4-4e3b-a2d3-b026b341dd87_zps41ef5d61.jpg
“Byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye Felicia!”

The final score: review Not So Good
The 411
I felt that the last few weeks have been solid to average at worst, but at times the show has been good. Tonight just did nothing for me. It felt flat throughout, the wrestling wasn’t as good and it just dragged along for me. Hopefully next week’s effort is better. Josh Mathews continues to be horrible at his job, and you just can’t take anything he says seriously. He needs to go away in the worst way. What You Need to See: LAX’s Funeral For Decay, EC3’s Beat Down of Storm.