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HAPPY PRIDE, SICKOS. CHANGE YOUR HEARTS OR DIE!!

HUNTER THE HUNGRY IS GON’ EAT (steak and potatoes for dinner, HAPPY FATHER’S DAY you sickos!)

Tonight on Collision – there’s gonna be some RASSLIN’!

We are opening with SUPERKICK PARRRRRTY

The Elite (Young Bucks & Jack Perry) v Lethal Twist (Jay Lethal, Blake Christian, Lee Johnson)

Starting off TV with a Bucks crowd-pleaser is the smart play; shame they’re against some ROH jobbers.

What you would expect for the first few minutes of the match. Sorry for lack of detail, didn’t time my dinner properly! Anyways, human children have steak protein in front of them, as does this guy here. And whiskey! For me, not the offsprings.

What was I saying? Forced to watch on HBO MAX again with the help of a certain filthy. I’m sure it’s some sort of weird contract thing but it’s maddening that the international broadcast of any taped episode always airs an hour, sometimes more, later than the American cable/max feed. Been that way since Triller. Super annoying because it means I miss the awesome commercial break commentary on top of having to put up with this inane American commercials.

ANYWAY!

Back from break with the Lethal Twist in “control.” Not really impressed with how slow the heels are working this. Perry is playing Ricky Morton while the crowd half-heartedly “whoos” at Jay Lethal’s strut. Jungle Jack fights his way free — headscissors on Lee Johnson, from the apron to the floor! Back in the ring, cut off, Perry gets free, HOT TAG MATT JACKSON. Or not, Matthew immediately cut off. Double-team irish whip, Max Buck reverses and clotheslines both men! Here comes Nick! Double-team magic from the Bucks! NICK WITH THE LOCOMOTION NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEXES TO BIG BLANDO!

Bucks continuing their double-team action as Rick Knox “counts” but otherwise allows everybody to just run in and out of the ring. Which isn’t worth complaining about, that’s just how it’s gonna go when Knox referees for the Bucks. Stereoptic (thanks Nigel) … no, cut off! Swirl attempting … something… Bucks with sunset flips from the top! Powerbombs! STEREO SHARPSHOOTERS!

Jay Lethal cuts it off. Jack Perry and Jay Lethal going at it! LETHAL COMBINATION connects! He goes for the Lethal Injection… Matt cuts it off! More double-team action from the Bucks.

Nigel: “How is Rick Knox allowing this?”

NIGEL IS ALL OF US

It’s breaking down! I ain’t specifically typing out every move. Perry gets nailed by a three-way Lethal Twist sequence and… kicks out. Seriously lol? At least break up the fall instead of having Perry kick-out of everything. Crowd is bafflingly chanting this is awesome. JACK PERRY IS JUNGLING UP! Fighting all three… and friendly fire from Lethal takes out his partners! Bucks in, DOUBLE SUPERKICK! Johnson and Christian back, rapid knee strikes. Bucks cut them off! They’re on the elevated rampway… and LAUNCH Jack Perry over the top rope onto the opponents!

Perry with a DOUBLE REVERSE FRANKENSTEINER ON TWO MEN!

Moonsault to the outside on Lethal and Blake! TK/Meltzer/Whatever Driver on Lee Johnson! That gets the three for THE, ELITE, BE THE ELITE.

WINNERS: The Elite
TIME: Around 12 minutes (Remembered to START the stopwatch; forgot to STOP it)
RATING **1/2
THOUGHTS: Every Bucks trios match ever. This isn’t a bad thing because the style of match the Bucks can do in their sleep. Crowd-pleasing action and a good way to open any show. But very hard to get excited about their opponents. Blake Christian is a fantastic heel, Jay Lethal is a talented veteran, and Lee Johnson is more boring than Daniel Garcia… but the Lethal Twist are only successful in ROH, jobbers in AEW. Fine match, gets Bucks and Perry a TV win, nothing more.

* Backstage, Mina Shirakawa and Kris Statlander are with Lexy Nair. Harley is in the background, concerned about her two friends. Mina and Stat have friction. No, DiabloPepe, not that kind of friction.

COMMERCIAL BREAK i hate this =D

* WE’RE BACK! Lexy Nair is with the amazing Hikaru Shida! Shida talks shit about her confirmed and potential opposition for the upcoming Survial of the Fittest. She smacks the floor a few times with her kendo stick. Shida fucking rules.

* FEEL THE WRATH! The polymath from Aus is here for commentary as two of her best friends are about to COLLIDE. Mina makes here entrance. And here comes the Cosmic Killer, Kris Statlander!

QUALIFYING MATCH FOR TBS TITLE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST MATCH

(I can’t quite explain the weird blocks in the formatting shut up)

Basic back and forth action to start. Tony mentions the World Cup and plugs the (frankly awesome) AEW soccer jerseys. I seriously want to buy Bandido’s just because of how cool it looks. I love that Omega’s Canada kit isn’t just the basic ass black and white.

Anyway, two minutes in and we’re heading to commercial, I guess. AEW: Gutting women’s matches with commercial breaks, find a more iconic duo.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Back to action, both Mina and Stat on the outside. Harley Cameron on commentary. In the ring, Mina wins the exchange. Forearm to Stat’s back, then Mina loads up for a draping DDT off the top rope! That gets a two-count. Harley is excited! Nigel is on the edge of his seat, he said, slightly sarcastically.

Stat with a pump kick! Mina with a forearm! Stat nails a discus lariat! That isn’t enough, though, Mina sends Stat to the floor. To the top rope… cross body block from the top rope to Stat on the floor! Mina rolls Statlander in and once again climbs to the top rope. Kris Statlander staggers to her feet and gets nailed by a shotgun super dropkick. Mina rolls her up, kick out. Harley: “Schiavone, I think I found some gum under here that’s been here since 1986.”

Stat counters whatever Mina was going for with a thrust kick. Big slam! One, two, KICKOUT! Whoa! Statlander goes for STATERDAY NIGHT FEVER… countered! Backfist, countered, Mina rolls Stat up, kickout, Mina off the ropes, Hits… kind of a La Mistica! They throw pinning combinations back and forth, and Statlander gets the three-count.

WINNERS: Kris Statlander
TIME: 8ish minutes.
RATING **
THOUGHTS: Disappointing. It was fine, but considering Stat is one of the very best in the company, ESPECIALLY in terms of carrying opponents, and Mina is solid, this was just a match that happened. The story wasn’t really part of it. The finish was outta nowhere and anti-climactic. What I DID like is that this match was Mina v Stat, and it was going to hurt whichever woman ended up left out of the upcoming SOTF. This match had stakes, wheras it was brutally obvious that Persephone and Shida were winning their matches. Not sure how much I like having TWO former women’s world champions in the match – I hope the plan is to crown a NEW TBS champion who has yet to hold AEW gold.

* Post-match, Harley heads to the ring to play peacemaker. Mina is obviously disappointed but Harley raises the hands of both women.

* We get some VHS style video and the Bang Bang Gang… ARE ADVERTISING THEIR SPAY AND NEUTER CENTER! Oh Jesus. Hahahaha. They have some jobber in a giant doggy cone. I can’t even do this justice, it’s absolute beautiful goofiness. “So Dogs, I hope you’re paying attention, because YOUR APPOINTMENT IS BOOKED. 1-800-GUNNS-UP.”

* Jack Perry backstage, talking about the first time he was in Japan a couple years ago. Perry talks up Zack Sabre Jr being there for him, including having Jack’s “very first adult beverages in a bar in Osaka with you and the boys.” Perry respectfully challenges Sabre to a match on Wednesday. And this time, Jack will pick up the tab… because the winner should always pay. Shit, I’m down for this match!

* WE HURT PEOPLE! Here comes the Hurt Syndicate!

The Hurt Syndicate v Ham N Eggers

Jobber #1 is clearly an idiot, as he begins the match by slapping Bobby Lashley in the face. Really, that’s how you want to die? Okay. Yet somehow the local talent are managing to get some double-team shots in. Lashley… shrugs. Shelton grabs one and pulls him out of the ring. SMASHING dude back and forth between the guardail and the ring apron! Beautiful German suplex from Shelton. That running knee to the corner is fuckin’ SICK. Lashley nails guy number two with a spear! That’s that.

WINNERS: BOB and SHELTON
TIME: 3 minutes?
RATING n/r
THOUGHTS: Delicious SQUASH. Lashley’s injury interrupted the momentum of the Hurt busnycate. Hasn’t really been a place for them to easily slide back into the show. Hoping they’re back every week!

MVP on the mic. Fans do love them some Hurty Boys. MVP says they like money. So you want somebody mauled, someone’s ass whooped PROPERLY, bring the money… and they’ll bring the pain! “We are the Hurt Syndicate, and we’re open for business.” Love MVP on the mic, he knows how to play to the crowd.

* The Fallen Angel and Sky Flight are standing by! Sigh. Dante Martin looks soft and pale. Scorpio is such a handsome dude. Daniels says an old tag partner is finally back from injury..

MATT SYDAL! Oh wow! Sydal’s been injured for a LONG time. Sky Flight will have Sydal’s back. Welcome back, Sydal (please don’t bring your brother)!

COMMERCIAL BREAK