wrestling / Columns

Match A Day 01.06.10: Week 38 – 2009 Wacky Awards

January 6, 2010 | Posted by Jake Chambers

Wacky Wrestling Theory ended almost one year ago, prompted by my frustration with the pro-wrestling business (with a capital “B”). At that time, I vowed not to quit watching wrestling, but to just stop watching the crap wrestling product I was being fed by the terms of an industry that didn’t give a fuck about my tastes or quality. Instead, I started watching one match a day of older wrestling and lots of current Japanese wrestling on the Internet, as a way to satisfy my pro-wrestling addiction. Alongside that, I have kept up with the WWE and TNA continuity, only on delay (as of now I’m at about SummerSlam in WWE and Turning Point in TNA), on my own terms, and quite frankly I still find most of it overall very weak. That being said, Wacky Wrestling Theorydid allow me to give out some unique awards for the unconventional things that I liked about the whole field, and I’m gonna do it again, even though my knowledge is much lighter than it was last year.

By the way, if you miss WWT, check out the Match A Day Twitter site this week for some one-time, ‘what if’ wacky theories.

And now the 2009 Wacky Awards can begin…

Wackiest Match of the Year

Notable Nominees:
Match # 255 – Sunday, December 12th
Monster’s Ball Match: Mick Foley vs. Abyss
[TNA Bound for Glory, October 2009]

This one was wacky for all the wrong reasons, as it was an embarrassing mess. Much like most things in TNA, this mach felt like a WWE idea done on the cheap and with no logic. The first annoyance was when Abyss, for some reason, burst up from under the entrance ramp, a cool idea but utterly meaningless. Later, Foley uses a tazer on Abyss that lights up like a 4th of July sparkler. Then the match features the single worst example of a botched three count ever, when a second ref completely counts to three, everyone freezes for like five seconds, and THEN Abyss kicks out. The best stunt in the whole match is when Abyss throws Daffney off the top rope to the floor through a barbed wire board, and TNA doesn’t even get it on camera! C’mon Mick, was giving up a new career as a pretty good commentator really worth quitting over just because Vince was barking in your ear? How could that have been worse than having stains like this on your once immaculate resume!

Lights Out / Glow in the Dark Match: Argenis, Atomic Boy & Laredo Kid vs. Rio Bravo, Tigre Cota & Tito Santana II [AAA] – I almost went blind watching this one.

ROH Title: Nigel McGuiness vs. Tyler Black [Injustice II] – this wild match that included a run-in from every main wrestler on the ROH roster, ended oddly at 52 minutes for a 60-minute draw, but was more notable for the job McGuiness did working with an inanimate Tyler Black doll for all that time, a puppetry performance that would normally win first place honors in any other year.

Last Man Standing: Edge vs. John Cena [Backlash] – the ending where Cena was chokeslammed into a spotlight that subsequently exploded big time, was too wacky too ignore.

Winner = Kota Ibushi vs. Yoshihiko [DDT]

While I would prefer to choose a regular match that got wacky, rather than a comedy match, but this is The Godfather of wacky matches! On one side, a great wrestler in Ibushi, on the other an inanimate, Japanese sex blow-up doll. You would think a match like this would be cute for a few minutes, but this is an epic, 25 minutes of wear downs and high spots, cumulating in the historic 8 consecutive Canadian Destroyers by Yoshihiko. The scary part was, even though I knew it was a doll, there were flashes in the match where I thought maybe, just maybe, it moved for real!

Best Wrestler with Black Hair

Notable Nominees:
Tyler Black – not only is his hair black, but so is his last name!

Booker T – I had to include one actual black guy.

Undertaker – wait… are those his red roots showing?

Sting – with a receding hairline even more powerful than the Deadman’s.

Winner = Kenta Kobashi

Match #256 – Monday, December 13th
GHC Hardcore Title: Makato Hashi vs. Kenta Kobashi
[NOAH, June 2009]

This category is just an excuse to give an award to one of my top ten favorite wrestlers of all time, and one of the legit top ten best wrestlers ever, who really shouldn’t be wrestling yet still goes out there and chops his heart out.

To celebrate this black haired genius, I watched his wackiest match from 2009, when he won the GHC Hardcore Title in a match where he wasn’t allowed to chop for the first ten minutes of the match. Although he may walk with a bit of a stiff, zombie-fied gait, there is no denying that he is still capable of greatness in the ring.

Wackiest Company Jump

Notable Nominees:
Christian – You gotta imagine that Christian Cage wasn’t planning on being the face of ECW for almost one year when he re-signed with the WWE.

Taz – what is it about Smackdown commentary jobs that leads wrestlers to jump to TNA? If Tazz was slyly mocking cheesy wrestling commentators when he first started in the WWF, what kind of joke is his hyper-exaggerated nonsense in TNA supposed to be?

Bryan Danielson – wouldn’t you just feel safer about all things sacred in the world if Bryan Danielson just stayed in the indys?

Dr. Wagner Jr. – turned AAA from a Mudvayne video mixed with a soap opera starring Konan, into a legit place for badass main events.

Winner = Desmond Wolfe
Match #257 – Tuesday, December 14th
Street Fight: Kurt Angle vs. Desmond Wolfe
[TNA Impact, October 2009]

Last thing I heard, Nigel McGuiness was headed to WWE. I was excited, so I told a spy to tell me when he was about to make his debut so I could break my pro-wrestling fast and see it live! I was perplexed when my friend told me that I had to see this episode of TNA Impact, but then I gathered it was just for the announcement of Hulk Hogan coming to TNA, which I’d already heard about in the news. But what do I see first off, but a video package showing Nigel McGuiness beating up Kurt Angle, and then ending with this one-on-one match.

While it saddens me to see Nigel in TNA, you couldn’t ask for a better pro-wrestling debut in 2009 than taking out Kurt Angle in a main event in your first match, and looking damn impressive in the process. There is no doubt this is the most wacky company jump though, as Nigel was supposed to be going to WWE and then switches at the last minute. I don’t know all the details, but damn, that new name sounds kind of cool.

Wackiest Promotion of the Year

Notable Nominees:
WWE – while putting on legitimately serious mainstream pro-wrestling, the WWE also provides the wacky, from Goldust to Hornswaggle, The Great Khali and Abraham Washington.

CHIKARA – a year can’t go by that this playfully serious company doesn’t continue to be underappreciated!

DDT – aside from all the comedy matches, wrestling in amusement parks and forests, Japan’s DDT regularly employs a female referee! Now that’s wacky!

Winner = BEYOND Wrestling

Match #258 – Wednesday, December 15th
Faith in Nothing vs. The Island Kings
[BEYOND Wrestling, December 2009]

I regularly follow this independent independent that rebukes all things that I have grown to hate about the aggressive commercialism of the pro-wrestling industry. These weekly free online matches are done in front of an audience of only wrestlers, thus throwing out the window the concept of playing to emotions of a crowd that can eventually lead to “better business decisions.” Beyond Wrestling is about watching guys who love pro-wrestling go out and wrestle for fun. These are not amateurs practicing in a basement either; these are polished wrestlers doing whatever they want for as long as they want. In the end, the atmosphere gives these in-ring artists the comfort to innovate, the freedom to design their own flow, and a window, for a hungry hardcore fan like me, into a world of pro-wrestling free from politics, business and conceit.

Best Mask of the Year

Match #259 – Thursday, December 16th
Mask vs. Hair: El Hijo Del Santo vs. Negro Casas
[EMLL, July 1987]

Watching this classic lucha libre match that maintained the integrity of bleak yet legendary Santo mask, reminded me of just how many great masks there are out there these days.

Notable Nominees:
L.A. Park – is it just me, or is one of the coolest masks of all time becoming even cooler looking?!

Player Uno – this jolly video game based wrestler has a cute mask that just warms the heart.

Hurricane – easier to bring back the mask than it was the flat stomach!

Rey Mysterio – not since he lost it back in WCW, has this iconic; mask played such an important role in his character and storylines.

Winner = Dasher Hatfield

CHIKARA’s Create-A-Wrestler transformed into another winner, as this throwback to the 1920s baseball days character wears a mask that is half Rollie Fingers, and half Abe ‘Knuckleball’ Schwartz!

Wackiest Return to a Title

Notable Nominees:
Yoshinobu Kanemura – GHC Jr. Heavyweight Title
Match #260 – Friday, December 17th
Vacant GHC Jr. Heavyweight Title Match: Yoshinobu Kanemura vs. Jushin ‘Thunder’ Liger
[NOAH, October 2009]

This category is all about wrestlers who used to hold a specific title in the past, and then in 2009 oddly found themselves holding that belt again. I don’t know if you want to say it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it is wacky, especially in the case of Kanemura, who is seemingly the go-to lightweight champion in NOAH, regardless of his room-vacuuming personality and his lack of spectacular offense in this high impact division. This was a completely wacky move considering the talent in NOAH, and yet the belt goes back to Kanemura (already one half of the Jr. Tag Champions) when KENTA had to vacate the title. NOAH might have painted themselves into a corner by having the winner of their Autumn Navigation Jr. League Tournament (this match between Kanemura and New Japan’s Liger) crowned the champion, but who said that was necessary?

CM Punk – World Heavyweight Title – CM Punk’s slow build to a heel persona was during his quest to gain this title that he wore last year in a relatively panned run as a babyface RAW champ. This time, Punk ‘accidentally’ messed with Jeff Hardy before going full-on Straight Edge against Hardy’s abusive lifestyle.

Chris Jericho – Intercontinental Title – Although his feud over this title with Rey Mysterio led to numerous fantastic matches, doesn’t it feel kind of lame when you see the former, first ever Unified World Champion, stepping back down to win the Intercontinental title?

Winner = Austin Aries – ROH World Title
– after years of resisting having a two-time champion, a feat neither ROH legends Samoa Joe or Bryan Danielson were able to do, the company finally pulled the trigger, and they couldn’t have waited for a sweeter moment, as the cocky, mouthy, and flamboyant Aries skyrocketed the wackiness of his character out of this universe in 2009.

Wackiest Wrestler of the Year

Notable Nominees:
‘Addicted to Love’ Rhett Titus – Zany, madcap and sexed up, goofy Rhett Titus thrusted his way into our hearts in 2009.

Abraham Washington – Does this guy ever wrestle? I don’t know, and I don’t care, because I absolutely love his Arsenio-inspired ECW talk show!

Samoa Joe – Poor Joe, his transition to the Nation of Violence, face-tattooed, island-style Samoan, with a big machete, was wacky garbage through-and-through, for one of the best wrestlers alive.


-did Joe pass out at a frat party?

Goldust – any year that the Wackiest Wrestler of All Time is active, he must be nominated.

Chavo Guerrero – while still not returning to his Kerwin White persona (arguably the second Wackiest Wrestler of All Time), Chavo did let the comedy shine through in his frustrating feud against Hornswaggle.

Colt Cabana – great to see Colt back in the ring, dancing, yelling out one-liners, and blowing minds with his wacky Euro-based, WWE-repelling offense.

Kenichi Arai – this former stoic, technical Dragon Gate wrestler, spent most of this year as a lazy Real Hazard bastard, lounging in the ring, smoking and hitting people in the head with a beer bottle.

Austin Aries – the first ever two-time Ring of Honor champion did it with an incredible new persona, dubbing himself ‘The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived’ and proceeded to explode with charisma all over the faces of his much less ready for prime time TV roster mates.

Winner = Genba Hirayanagi

The pesky NOAH pipsqueak, oddly catapulted into the puro spotlight this year with his cowardly performances in the ring, and his new penchant for talking shit that he can never back up. He likes to hit-and-run, bite, back-attack, spit directly into an opponent’s eyes and purposefully get counted out in order to stop from losing.

Here is the man in action against 2009’s Best Wrestler with Black Hair, Kenta Kobahsi. Bask in the wackiness:

Match #261 – Saturday, December 18th
Genba Hirayanagi vs. Kenta Kobashi
[KENTA Produced CROSS ROAD, May 2009]

Hirayanagi now joins last year’s winner Maryse as an esteemed Wacky Wrestler of the Year. Neither were main eventers or particularly comedy wrestlers, but they both have something that cannot be taught, an inherent wackiness that floats them through matches that makes the viewer think, “why am I watching this?” yet unable to turn away. Congratulations to all the winners, and be sure to tune in to 411maniathis time again next year for another installment of the annual Wacky Awards.

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Jake Chambers

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