wrestling / Columns
The 8-Ball 02.02.13: Top 8 Tag Teams That Never Happened
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the 8-Ball. I am your party host, Ryan Byers, and we are wrapping up the first month of 2013. It’s hard to believe it’s already past, and hopefully the rest of the year doesn’t move quite this quickly.
Last week’s column resulted in a record number of people in the comments section calling me a moron. I think the majority of that had to do with people not quite understanding the criteria that I had created for the list, but, regardless of the reasons, it’s a little bit difficult to be buried like that.
So, this week, I figured that I would I would go with a bit of a lighter topic, something for which people cannot lambaste me. Let’s go to it.
Tag team wrestling has a storied history. From the Fabulous Kangaroos, the duo that is credited with originating the formula of the modern tag team, all the way up to modern pairs like the Uso Twins, fans around the world have long been enamored with the antics of these rough and tumble tandems.
However, for every great tag team that has been formed, there is one that, despite having all of the potential in the world, never quite gets off the ground. This week in the 8-Ball, we take a look at some of those scrubbed duos for your fun and education.
One man is a Japanese professional wrestler who, in addition to being one of about five Asian juggalos on the planet, was recently framed for smuggling marijuana from Mexico into the Land of the Rising Sun. The other man is one of the all-time great rebounders in professional basketball history, who had a penchant for dying his hair wacky colors and once showed up for his own wedding in women’s clothing. I have a feeling that Dennis Rodman and NOSAWA Rongai would have a hell of a lot to talk about if they ever teamed up.
I’m pretty sure that the reason this team never got off the ground as planned was the fact that they couldn’t make a decision regarding who the designated jobber for the group would be. Mike Tyson’s entire career, even to present day where is not actively competing in sports, is built on having a badass persona, so he certainly wouldn’t want to be the man to do the j-o-b. Mil Mascaras, despite not having a similar badass persona that he uses for his marketing, won’t lose because he is one of the biggest pricks ever to don a pair of wrestling tights. Don’t believe me? Just listen to JBL doing commentary on any Alberto Del Rio match. Perhaps it’s best that this team didn’t come to fruition. I can’t imagine a luchador and a boxer being able to come up with many workable double team moves.
CM Punk has made it readily apparent throughout his career that he is a big fan of Japanese professional wrestling, so you’d think that a mixed tag team with Bull Nakano would be a natural fit. Bull is one of the legends of joshi puroresu, having drawn huge crowds to women’s wrestling shows in Japan, and she even got a run with the WWF Women’s Title. Given Punk’s love for puro and Nakano’s familiarity with the World Wrestling Federation, why wouldn’t the two of them team up? Well, word on the street is that, before their first match was set to happen, Nakano had a conversation with Pro Wrestling NOAH star KENTA, who indicated that he was afraid that the team was simply a ploy to allow Punk to steal Bull’s moves, just as he had done to KENTA years before. Fearful that her top rope legdrop would be taken away and performed half as well, Bull called things off.
These two men strike me as having the potential to be a great tag team. If you think about it, they complement each other well. One is a former ECW Tag Team Champion, and the other is embarrassingly a former WCW World Heavyweight Champion. Vince Russo likes to book angles which make no sense, like insufferable WCW Title tournaments and professional wrestlers “refusing to follow the script,” while New Jack likes to hit people over the head with things that don’t make sense, like boat oars and Hulk Hands. Both of them are on Jim Cornette’s shit-list. (But who isn’t, really?) In fact, I’ve even got a name for them. We could call them “Swerves and Scaffolds.”
I don’t have much to say about this picture. I just want to point out how much Ricky Morton looks like he could be Maryse’s mother. Yes, mother. And he probably wouldn’t pay child support for her, either.
Much like Russo and New Jack before them, this group also perfectly complements each other, particularly on the Kane and Penn Jillette side of things. Both of them are large, bulky libertarians who gained a large part of their popularity by doing magic tricks, Jillette’s typically involving sleight of hand and illusion and Kane’s typically involving surreptitiously-placed pyrotechnics. Plus, Kane even has reason to sympathize with Teller, because the little guy still has yet to have a significant speaking role in his act with Penn, whereas Kane spent many years of his professional wrestling career playing a deaf mute. Yes, that’s what we need: Kane, Penn, and Teller hitting the road together. It’s either that or Kane, Siegfried, and Roy, and I don’t know if Kane could handle the tigers.
Yes, it’s another CM Punk duo on the list, because I’ve been told that, when you write for an internet wrestling website, CM Punk = hits. As pictured above, apparently CM Punk and Al Bundy have been doing some Brazilian jiu jitsu training together, and it’s time for them to transition that jiu jitsu into the world of professional wrestling. Plus, as great as they might be together in the ring, they’d be even more entertaining outside of it. Al enjoys a beer, and Punk won’t touch the stuff. Al spends his time in front of the television, and Punk enjoys going on a jog through the streets of downtown Chicago. Al shoves his hand down the front of his pants, and Punk typically has a beautiful female wrestling personality with him to shove her hand down the front of his pants. They’re the original odd couple.
And here it is, the greatest tag team that never happened . . . and, unfortunately, never will happen due to the untimely passing of “The Macho Man” Randy Savage. However, if these two had gotten together prior to the conclusion of Savage’s life, it absolutely would have been a sight to behold. Can you imagine the Great Khali in an interview attempting to say Savage’s catchphrases with him? “Ohhh yeah, dig it!” would be infinitely more entertaining when mangled by the Punjabi playboy. Plus, what’s more devastating than a Macho Man top rope elbow smash? A Macho Man elbow smash SET UP BY THE KHALI CHOP~! These two truly would have been unstoppable together.
That’s it for this week’s 8-Ball. If you can’t get enough of Ryan, follow him on Twitter here.
