The RAWtopsy 10.03.05

Boy, am I happy. First of all, Circuit City finally decided to do the right thing and admit that they had no clue how to fix my laptop. They shipped me a spiffy new Compaq with 20 more GB and double the RAM. It’s got a nice 17″ HD 16:9 screen. It’s also upgradeable to download at 500MB/second, which seems insane considering I was on dial-up only a year ago.

So, in honor of the occasion, I’m taking the night off to work on the vastly popular TV/Movies section feature 31 Years, 31 Screams. You may remember someone a few weeks back requesting a guest host for the RAWtopsy. Darned if I didn’t find one. You may know him from his recently released DVD The Stewie Griffin Story, or American Dad & Family Guy. The incomparable Seth MacFarlane*

* Yes, I know. It’s so I don’t get sued.

WWE Raw — 10/3/05

Live from Dallas, Texas.

Your hosts are Jim Ross, Jonathon Coachman and Jerry Lawler. I was kind of hoping for Vince McMahon to be back at his old position for just one night.

Mick Foley comes out for a few cheap pops. He introduces the host of Piper’s Pit…“Rowdy” Roddy Piper. Piper says Foley is nuts. He wants to know when Mick is coming back. Mick says he came back once and got his ass kicked. For him to come back again, he’d need a really good reason. Piper says there are 12,000 of them and starts a “Foley” chant. Randy Orton and his daddy Bob Orton Jr. interrupt. Mick says he shouldn’t be so concerned with Mick Foley when he has to face the Undertaker on Sunday. Orton tells Foley he doesn’t care about him, he’s here for Piper. Piper welcomes him, but Randy is pissed off because Piper made a living off Randy’s dad. Randy shoves him, triggering a pull apart brawl. Suddenly, Bob Jr. sucker punches Mick. Randy drops Roddy Piper with the RKO, then gives another to Foley.

I haven’t seen a cameo that surprising since the Ultimate Warrior guest starred on the West Wing.
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President Bartlett walks down the hall, accompanied by his staff.

Bartlett: Okay, first on the agenda, I want to come up with a consistent AIDS policy. This administration will be known as the presidency that finally got this epidemic under control. Any ideas?

Voice from the back of the group: AIDS is the work of queers! Queerin’ don’t make the world work.

Bartlett turns around.

Bartlett: Anyway, as I was saying. We need an effective policy.

Same voice from the back of the group: Creamed corn is just a beautiful thing to behold.

Bartlett: Okay, who is that?

The crowd parts revealing the Ultimate Warrior.

Warrior: Do your own damage control. I’ve no ear for your begging anymore. Only if you were on fire would I help you — it’d just be too hard to resist pissing on you. Open mic? Then let it truly be open. Let your audience have some fresh air. Flush the toilet bowl once. Let them hear something intelligent, decent and truthful for once. Order the queer and the cripple who host the show to read what I have written here and here, and while they do that have them hold up mirrors looking at themselves so they can know exactly the kind of people in your organization I’m writing about. FREE TIBET!

Warrior runs off down the hall.
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Eric Bischoff confronts Teddy Long in the back. He thinks Long is trying to steal his thunder.

Ironman Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Kurt Angle.

First Fall: Michael goes right after Kurt to start. He gets a near fall off a slam. Shawn tosses him over the top to the outside. He goes out and tosses him back in. Michaels comes off the top with a double ax-handle for two. Michaels tries a sleeper, but Angle counters to a backdrop to take over for the first time in the match. Angle gets a series of near falls and goes to a chinlock. Michaels elbows out and lays in a chop. Angle charges and gets back dropped all the way over the top. Michaels tries a baseball slide, but Angle avoids it and gives him an Angleslam on the outside. Back in, they slug it out, and Angle gives Michaels a turnbuckle powerbomb. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Michaels shoves him off the top and preps for the elbow, but Angle pops up and runs up into an Angleslam to take the first fall about 9 minutes in. Angle leads 1-0.

Second Fall: We come back from break to Michaels elbowing his way out of a chinlock. Michaels charges but drives his own shoulder into the ringpost. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! Angle suplexes Shawn for two. Shawn takes a hard bump to the corner, and Angle goes for an Angleslam. Shawn rolls into a sunset flip, but Angle rolls through that into an anklelock. Shawn struggles and rolls Angle forward into a rollup for the pin at 14:51. Tied 1-1.

Third Fall: Angle jumps on Shawn early and wraps him with a bodyscissors. Ross recalls Joe Stetcher winning championships with this very hold. Shawn bites his way out. Shawn blocks a suplex, leading to a battle over a rollup. Angle rolls through again and puts Shawn in the anklelock. Shawn shoves him away, but Angle holds on. Shawn pushes away again, but Angle settles into the Anklelock scissors for the tapout at 19:50. Angle leads 2-1.

Fourth Fall: We come back from commercial to find Angle holding Michaels in a kneebar. Shawn kicks him away, but he’s still staggered. Angle forces him to the corner, so Michaels starts slapping him. Michaels comes back with the flying forearm and kips up. Shawn atomic drops Angle and hits the flying elbow off the top. SWEET CHIN MUSIC! ONE, TWO, THREE! (25:16) We are tied at 2-2 with about 4 minutes left to go.

Fifth Fall: Shawn chases Angle out of the ring and chops him. Back in, Shawn takes the “Shawn Flip.” Angle catches him with an Angleslam. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO!!! Shawn rolls the shoulder. A frustrated Angle fires away with punches. He goes for another Angleslam, but Shawn counters to a Tornado DDT. They nearly both get counted down, but Michaels rolls into a cover. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! Angle whips Michaels to the buckle. Shawn gets his boot up to block a charge and goes to the top rope. MOONSAULT! ANGLE ROLLS THROUGH! ANKLELOCK! Shawn rolls him over, but Angle has the legs scissored. Shawn kicks his way out of it, but Angle reapplies the hold. Shawn nearly rolls Angle into the referee and then hits him with SWEET CHIN MUSIC! ONE, TWO–Time expires before the ref can count three. Shawn wants Sudden Death, but Gorilla Monsoon isn’t around this time. Angle takes a walk. Shawn hugs all the legends at ringside. Not on the level of their earlier matches. It has to settle for being just another good Raw match. ***1/2

Kevin Von Erich is in the audience. He gets a nice ovation (and probably a good chunk of change for selling the WCCW library to Vince).

In the back, Bisch asks Vince McMahon to change the title match to “no DQ.” When Vince refuses, Bischoff goes off on him for just hiring him to humiliate him. See, that’s the relationship dynamic they should have exploited years ago.

Lillian is forced to read an intro for Vince that includes calling him…well-endowed. Vince is proud to be back on USA where everything is uncensored. He says things will be like the old days. He recalls a day back in 1998 (actually it was 1999, but perhaps Vince’s “endowment” has him distracted) when he beat the hell out of Steve Austin. We get a clip which prompts Steve Austin to come out and interrupt. Vince does a 180 and says he’s glad to see Austin. Austin says he doesn’t think Vince’s clips are so funny. In fact, Austin has a few clips to show. The first is Austin hitting Vince with a bedpan and then violating him with an IV. The next is Vince pissing his pants at gunpoint. The third is Austin giving Vince a beer bath. Vince offers to make peace since they’re starting over on Raw. Austin thinks about it and gives Vince a Stunner for old times’ sake. Shane McMahon comes out. WU-TANG! WU-TANG! Austin doesn’t bother to find out what he wants, he just gives him a Stunner and pops open a couple Stevewisers. Stephanie McMahon struts out and asks who the hell Austin thinks he is. You know, I was happy to see her until she started talking. She talks smack to him until Austin decides she’s really just flirting with him. Stephanie slaps him, so Austin adopts his usual tactic — kick a bitch in the ovaries and give her a damn Stunner. Linda McMahon comes out to scold Austin for such chaos. Although she admits that her husband is a piece of trash, she asks Stone Cold for an apology. Austin says he’ll apologize since she’s such a classy lady. But, he says, they should give the fans a moment to remember. He asks for a peck on the cheek, but then decides that he won’t be satisfied with that — he wants Linda to drink a damn beer. Of course, it all leads to a Stunner. I think we now know why Linda never takes the Stunner. This segment fell into the category of “kinda fun,” but it was all just empty nostalgia reminding us of how fun Raw used to be.

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Wow, that segment was even more disturbing than that VH1 Behind the Music about “Fraggle Rock.”

An aged Mokey sits in a director’s chair smoking a cigarette.

Mokey: I think things started going bad when Boober kept showing up to the set high on Doozersticks.

Flashback to the Fraggle Rock set. Red, Gobo, and a distracted Boober stand on set.

Director: (offscreen) Action.

Red: I guess the lesson we learned today is that it’s always best to share.

Boober: …

Red: …

Gobo: …

Red: (whispering) Um…Boober.

Boober: (snapping) What?! WHAT!

Red: It’s–it’s your line.

Boober: Oh, you’re going to tell me how to BEEPing act now?! It’s not enough you have to criticize me in bed!

Red: Boober, now’s not the time…

Gobo: Boober, I think you’re feeling–

Boober: Oh, now the faggot’s talking! Yeah, I may get buzzed from time to time, so what?! It wasn’t me that was caught on camera going down on Big Bird in a Burger King bathroom!

Boober bitchslaps Gobo upside the head. Gobo falls on the ground clutching his face and sobbing effeminately.

Wembley: (offscreen) Boober! No! He’s freaking out! FREAK OUT!

Boober starts to unzip his pants while standing over Gobo.

Boober: Yeah, that’s right. Just like that. Daddy’s gonna be gentle. YOU SHOULD HAVE RENEGOTIATED WITH ME, HENSON! NOW YOU’RE GOLDEN BOY’S GONNA GET HIS!

Wembley runs in front of the camera and SCREAMS…

Wembley: FREEEEEEAK OUUUUUUTTT!

Back to Mokey reminiscing.

Mokey: Things — things just weren’t the same after that.

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In the back, McMahon is helped into his limo. Steve Romero asks what his thoughts are. Vince promises that someone will get fired over this. I’m guessing it’s Bischoff.

Loser-Leaves-Raw Ladder Match: Edge (w/Lita) vs. Matt Hardy.

Edge and Lita set up a fiendishly clever plan. She distracts Matt while Edge jumps him from behind during Matt’s entrance. Edge sprints to the ring and climbs the ladder. Matt arrives just in time and pushes him off. Matt goes up, but Edge pushes the ladder over. Matt squeezes Edge in the ladder, using it like a deranged nutcracker. Edge drop-toeholds Matt into the ladder and then suplexes him on it. Edge tries to flapjack Matt on an erect ladder, but it backfires as Matt simply lands on the ladder and goes up. Edge sets the ladder up in the corner. Matt goes for a Twist of Fate, but Edge shoves him into the ladder. Edge goes up another ladder, but Matt catches him. Matt rams the ladder into Edge’s gut. Edge blocks a suplex and gives Matt a front suplex on the ladder. They both go up. Matt shoves Edge off, but Edge bounces off the ropes and knocks Hardy’s ladder over. We come back from break to Hardy tossing Edge into the crowd and then flying onto him from the ladder. Lita interferes, so Matt tosses her to the floor and prepares to powerbomb her through the table. Edge makes the save with a Kendo stick. Edge puts Matt on the table and splashes him, destroying the table. Edge goes up slowly, but Matt catches up with him and gives him a Twist of Fate off the ladder. Matt goes up, but Lita hits him with the Kendo stick to keep him from going up. Matt shoves her aside and goes up anyway. Lita pulls the ladder out from under Matt, leaving him dangling from the cable. Edge pendulums Matt all the way across the ring and bounces him off the ropes. In a moment of ingenuity, Edge ties up Matt in the ropes, and Lita crucifixes him to keep him tied up. Edge goes up and recovers the briefcase. Perfect ending for the story they were telling. Too short to be a real classic, but what was here was good. Look for the masked “Angelic Diablo” to start plaguing Edge in the next few weeks. ***1/4

Matt is escorted out of the arena by security.

Elsewhere, Trish Stratus and Ashley feel each other up in preparation for the bra-and-panties match. The mere mention of bras and panties brings out Mae Young, bearing not quite all. **shudder** She shuffles down the hall playing soccer with her tits until she finds Ted Dibiase, Jim Duggan and Jimmy Snuka. Duggan is repulsed. Dibiase offers her $2,000 to button her shirt. Snuka, the horny bastard, takes the money and runs off after Mae. Man, that must’ve been a really hard coconut shot.

I suppose it could have been worse. After all, there are other Divas they could have brought back.

Tammy the Hutt: Oh shouda. Weta tah wankee Boo Bradley. Huh huh huh.

Homecoming Queen Maria introduces the Nature Boy Ric Flair. Flair is psyched to have Triple H back by his side. Yep, Trips is turning. Can you really call it a turn, though?

Ric Flair & Triple H vs. Chris Masters & Carlito Cool.

JR is REALLY pushing Triple H. He’s got the intensity of Harley Race, the technical skills of Jack Brisco, and quite frankly his semen tastes like a finely chilled Chablis, by gawd! The young guns attack at the bell, but H and Naitch clear the ring. Carlito tries to attack from behind, but Triple H catches him. The “babyfaces” clear the ring and do some struttin’ as we go to break. We come back to find Carlito stomping on Flair’s chest. Carlito puts Flair in the figure-four. Tuggin’ on Superman’s cape there, Sideshow. Flair turns the tables on Carlito, backdropping him to the canvas. Flair flops before he can make the tag. Masters comes in and tries to apply the Masterlock, but Flair counters with a lowblow. Flair finally makes the hot tag. Triple H dismantles Masters and Carlito and gets his trusty sledgehammer. HHH is about to smash Masters’ brains in, but Carlito makes the save. HHH preps for the Pedigree. Masters is about to break that up, but Flair clips his leg out from under him. Trips wins with the Pedigree. Flair and HHH embrace. Hunter poses for a spell and then smashes the sledgehammer into Flair’s head. JR and a little girl in the audience are probably the only ones who didn’t see that coming. Hunter starts screaming, “What is the matter with you?!” and pummeling Flair. We go to break as HHH chokes Flair out in front of the legends. **

By the way, whose bright idea was it to sit Dusty Rhodes next to Harley Race? It’s worse than this year’s Emmys.

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Jennifer Aniston walks down the row to her seat at the Emmys.

Aniston: Hmm…B54, B55, B fifty–

She sees Angelina Jolie sitting in the next seat.

Aniston: –six. (coldly) Jolie.

Angelina: Aniston.

Aniston: I think you’re in my seat.

Angelina: Wouldn’t be the first time.

Aniston: Shouldn’t you be out adopting an African baby so people will forget what a whore you are?

Angelina: Well, I adopted your husband three times last night. Why do you think of that?
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When we come back, Hunter is beating Flair all the way down the hall. He dares anyone to try and stop him. Of course, no one will. He tosses Flair into a limo and sends him on his way. So, does this set up an — Intercontinental title match? Evolution 2.0 is likely in the offing.

We gather to celebrate the legends. Dusty Rhodes recalls Arn Anderson beating on his noggin. He is about to honor Harley Race, but Rob Conway interrupts. He tells them all to go back to their old folks’ home and make room for the next generation. He smarts off again, but Harley shuts him up with a right hand. Conway gets passed around like a joint at a Kliq meeting as the legends all get their shots in (with Duggan getting a really nice punch). Von Erich with the Claw! SELL THAT CLAW, BITCH! SELL IT! Superfly finishes Conway off with a Superfly Splash. BRING BACK MATLOCK!!!

Handicap Bra-and-Panties Match: Trish & Ashley vs. Victoria, Candace & Torrie (w/Tinkerbell Wilson).

The heels shove Trish out of the ring to start and strip Ashley of her top. Ashley fights back and strips Victoria of her top. Victoria chases Ashley around the ring but takes a clothesline from Trish. Trish and Ashley team up to take Torrie and Candace’s tops off. Victoria gets back in and blocks the Handstand headscissors. She pulls Trish’s pants down, but Trish completes the move and strips Vicky of her bottom. Ashley strips Candace, and then they team up to strip Torrie’s bottom for the win. 3/4*

Kurt Angle interrupts Bischoff’s training session to ask him what’s going on with Smackdown. Bischoff says he’s not worried. In fact, since Vince left tonight, Bischoff is in charge. He’s changing his own match to “no DQ.” He tells Angle that once he’s champion, he’ll select a new champ that people can be proud of…if Angle gives him a little help.

Cole and Tazz join us for the next match. Cole tells us not to adjust our sets because it’s not Friday Night Smackdown. Who in the blue fuck has a TV set that can turn Monday into Friday?

Six-Man Tag: Batista, Chris Benoit & Rey Mysterio vs. John Bradshaw Layfield, Eddy Guerrero & Christian.

JBL and Batista are about to lock it up, but Eric Bischoff interrupts and cancels the match. He turns off the lights, which he thinks is the funniest thing ever. Yeah, clock management was never the WWE’s strong suit. I’m assuming they’ll bump it to a dark match (tee hee, dark).

Gene Mean Okerlund introduces Hulk Hogan. I guess Knobbs is watching the kids tonight. Can you feel the power of Hulkamania in Dallas? He talks about facing Shawn Michaels and the Rock. Now, he wonders what it would be like to step in the ring with Steve Austin. My, what a difference 10 years make. The clock is really ticking now, so they cut things short on that.

WWE Title, No DQ: John Cena vs. Eric Bischoff (w/Kurt Angle).

Angle takes a seat at ringside. Bischoff tries some of his martial arts, but Cena blocks and punches him in the mush. And there goes my DVD recorder. Way to overrun, guys. Slam. FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! Angle tries the Angleslam, but Cena slips out of it. He goes for the FU, but Bischoff gives him a lowblow. Angle swings a chair, but it bounces off the ropes and takes Angle out! That leaves Bischoff alone with John Cena. FU! Buh-bye. 1/4*

After the match, Teddy Long comes back out and says that since Bisch wants to do it gangsta style, he’ll oblige him. The Smackdown lockerroom comes down and attacks Angle and Cena. Here comes the Raw lockerroom to make the save. AND WE’RE OUTTA TAHM!

Final Thoughts: I wouldn’t call it the blowaway show that everyone was hoping for, but it was more than enough to make for a classic. Austin gives Stunners to all. Trips turns on Flair. Piper’s Pit. Ironman match. Ladder match. Candace’s ass crack. This one had a little bit of everything. A nice welcome back to USA for Raw. Hopefully, though, they’ll remember what kind of shows the used to put on and reach back into that creativity for their new beginning.

J.D. Dunn