The Smackdown Breakdown 10.14.04

“Stacy wears plaid and a Manchester United jersey. Who in the hell cares about a Rugby team?…(And yes, I know they play soccer. Please don’t E-mail me.)” — Me (10/11/04)

Fifteen E-mails so far, all correcting me about that comment. Okay, okay, I get it! Manchedder United was a soccer team. I won’t insult them again. Jeez, it’s just gay foosball.

WWE Smackdown — 10/14/04

From Manchester, England.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz.

We open with a meeting of the roster. Teddy Long tells us that John Cena was stabbed in the kidney during a bar fight. As a result, there will be a battle royal to determine a new #1 contender for the U.S. Title. Carlito Caribbean Cool tells us that’s not kuhl — while wearing Cena’s chain and Masterlock.

Rob Van Dam vs. Rene Dupree (w/Kenzo Suzuki, Hiroko & Fifi.)

Kenzo tries to sing, so the ref sends him to the back. RVD slingshots Dupree over the top. RVD follows with a tope, but Dupree dodges. Back in, Dupree grabs a neck twist. Dupree blocks RVD’s kick to the face and elbows him in the mush. FRENCH TICKLER! RVD gets all Misawa on him with a released German suplex. That gets two. The split-legged moonsault misses, and Dupree brings in a chair. It backfires, though, as RVD backdrops out of a piledriver attempt and finishes with the Five Star Frogsplash. *

Recap of Heidenreich’s rampage through the “fans.” Cole goes off on his “fans have freedom of expression” riff. Hey, Mikey, have a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up!

Teddy Long tells Paul Heyman that Long has to answer for Heidenreich’s actions. Long demands a public apology to the fans. Heyman is anxious that the Undertaker might try to seek revenge. Long basically tells Heyman the world’s smallest violin is playing just for him.

Charlie Haas vs. Billy Kidman.

Is it just me, or did Haas just get a huge pop? Haas gets psycho on him because of the injury to Jackie. He backs Kidman into the corner and chokes him down. Kidman retaliates by attacking Haas’ injured knee. PSYCHOLOGY~! Kidman drags Haas to the corner and wraps his knee around the ringpost. Kidman goes up, ready for the Shooting Star Press. Suddenly, here comes Dawn Marie. She’s begging for mercy, but Kidman has none. He finishes Haas with the SSP and walks off all cocky. Dawn Marie squeals and cries because of Haas’ injury. He refuses medical attention and walks out under his own power. Short, but it got the point across. Ѕ*

Luther Reigns hits on all the Page 3 girls. The girls tell him that they’re all going out with Eddy Guerrero. What happens in England, stays in England.

John Bradshaw Layfield lets us know that he can’t even get his $1,000 hat on because his head is so swollen. He talks about what a great technical wrestler he is and rips off Bret Hart’s “enema” line. It was a good promo up until then.

Recap of Carlito Caribbean Cool defeating John Cena in his very first match.

#1 Contender Battle Royal.

Your participants are: RVD, Mark Jindrak, Luther Reigns, Kurt Angle, Eddy Guerrero, D-Von Dudley, Bubba Ray Dudley, Rey Mysterio, Kenzo Suzuki, Rene Dupree, Spike Dudley, Nunzio, Johnny Stamboli, Scottie II Hotty, Orlando Jordan, Rico, Billy Kidman, Charlie Haas, and Funaki. I think that’s it. OJ goes first, then Funaki. The tag champs eliminate Nunzio, and then Dupree sends Kenzo out! INTRIGUE! Van Dam tosses Spike. The Dudleyz then toss Van Dam. Crowd is firmly behind Eddy Guerrero. Rey and Eddy do an interesting double team to get rid of the Dudley Boyz. We come back from commercial to Reigns going for a press slam on Eddy. Eddy rakes the eyes to counter. S2H delivers the worm to Kidman, but Kurt Angle tosses the Hot One. Rico kisses Dupree, forcing him to jump over the top and eliminate himself. Mysterio counters a Kidman powerbomb and eliminates him. Reigns and Jindrak eliminate Rico. Jindrak goes for a powerbomb, but Eddy ranas him out. Reigns knocks Eddy off the apron to eliminate him. That leaves Rey Mysterio, Kurt Angle and Luther Reigns. Eddy distracts Reigns long enough for Rey to eliminate him. And then there were two. Angle tosses him, but Rey lands on the apron. Mysterio delivers a spinning headscissors, but he gets caught going for the wheelbarrow roll. Angle puts him on the ropes and grabs an anklelock. Mysterio reverses it and sends Angle over onto the apron. Both men get back in. Rey delivers a springboard dropkick and a tornado DDT. Rey goes up, but Angle catches him in a belly-to-belly attempt. Rey crotches Angle on the top ropes to counter and sends him out with a flying clothesline. Rey nails him several times, but each time Kurt hangs on. Kurt ducks a 619 attempt and pulls down the straps! Angle lifts Rey up, but Rey counters to a rana, sending Kurt out. Rey hits the 619 from the ringpost to finally eliminate Angle and become the #1 contender to the U.S. Title. Boring at first, but kicked in nicely once it got down to the final four. **ѕ

Carlito says he wants to defend against Rey tonight. Rey doesn’t have a problem with that, so Carlito punks him out and spits apple in his face.

WWE World Heavyweight Title — Hardcore Match: John Bradshaw Layfield (w/Orlando Jordan) vs. Hardcore Holly.

JBL now has a Rolls Royce with bullhorns. CLASSY! They exchange chops to start, and Holly beats him down. Holly delivers the dropkick and clotheslines JBL over the top. JBL whips Holly into the ring steps and tosses in a bunch of plunder. JBL gets distracted by a bobby’s helmet long enough for Holly to blast him with a road sign. Holly plays rock ’em, sock ’em with a pair of trashcan lids. Holly has the idea to bash Bradshaw’s brains in with a monitor, but Bradshaw beats him to it. Bradshaw tosses the ring steps into the ring. Holly recovers and backdrops Bradshaw onto the announce table for two. Holly grabs a cricket bat, but JBL boots him before he can use it. JBL tries a piledriver on a chair, but Holly dropkicks out of it. Jordan tries to interfere but gets blasted with a trash can shot. It’s enough of a distraction for Bradshaw to recover and level Holly with a chairshot. Holly crumbles, and Bradshaw covers for three. Lackluster blowoff that suffered from being too short. **

Having never played Grand Theft Auto before, I can only say that GTA: San Andreas looks awesome.

Heidenreich and Heyman come out to apologize. Heyman guarantees that it will never happen again. Heyman gives Heidenreich a prepared statement to read. Heidenreich says he’s sorry for last week, but not for what he did to the Undertaker. Heyman tries to restrain him, leading to Heidenreich nearly going after Heyman. Heidenreich beats himself up to silence the voices in his head.

United States Championship: Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Rey Mysterio.

Rey slides between Carlito’s legs but gets kicked in the gut. Rey takes the Hennig bump off an Irish Whip. Carlito goes for a superplex, but Rey blocks it and knocks Carlito to the floor. Rey flies off with a crossbody from the top rope to the floor! We come back from commercial to find Carlito holding a hammerlock. During the break, he rammed Rey’s shoulder into the ringpost. Carlito tosses Rey to the outside and mugs to the crowd. He rams Rey’s shoulder into the ringpost again and works the shoulder even further with the Fujiwara armbar. Rey counters a sunset flip to a low dropkick. Rey delivers a springboard crossbody and a majestral cradle for two. A bulldog gets two more for Rey. Carlito press slams him and nails an armbar DDT. Carlito delivers a hammerlock slam and heads up top. Rey gets his feet up, though, and hits him with a quebrada (Lionsault) for two. Rey counters a powerbomb to a huracanrana and hits the 619. Carlito catches him on the vertical splash and rides him down into another Fujiwara Armbar. Rey doggedly makes the ropes. Carlito counters a rana to a rollup and grabs the ropes for the win. Carlito has looked very solid in his two Smackdown appearances, doing a number of things right and only a few things wrong (repeating spots, if you wanted to know). ***

Finally, we’re introduced to the eight finalists for Tough Enough IV. They all look pretty good.

Eddy Guerrero (w/Page 3 girls) vs. Luther Reigns.

Eddy counters a press to a dropkick. A second dropkick sends Luther down. Luther crotches Eddy on the top rope while the ref is tossing Eddy’s shirt to the outside. Luther picks up where he left off at “No Mercy”, working the back with a backbreaker stretch. A double underhook suplex gets two. Luther delivers a backbreaker to Eddy and holds him in another stretch. Eddy gets fired up and knocks Luther down. Eddy goes for the Triple Verticals, but Luther blocks the third one. Eddy counters Luther’s reverse neckbreaker by walking up the ropes into a reverse DDT. Eddy goes up for the frogsplash, sees Mark Jindrak coming, and flies out on him instead. Jindrak and Reigns double team Eddy for the DQ, but they don’t care. *ј

Reigns hits his reverse neckbreaker after the match. Angle comes out with the hair clippers, thus giving Michael Cole the opportunity to work in the “raped of his dignity” line. Big Show makes the save before any cutting can take place. Big ovation for Big Show, but this was pretty predictable.

Final Thoughts: Not bad, but nothing special. Carlito Cool seems to be working out just fine, as is Kidman’s heel turn. There just isn’t a whole lot more to get excited about, though.

J.D. Dunn