The SmarK RAW Rant – June 21 2004

The SmarK RAW Rant for June 21, 2004

– Live from Miami, FL.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– And to start us out, it’s the ROCK. He introduces his wife and family at ringside and makes fun of some Dolphins at ringside (“You make 20 million a year and you’re wearing free Nike gear.”). Next up, Rock decides to educate Eugene on the evils of HHH, but Randy Orton heads him off at the pass and points out that Eugene isn’t here yet because HHH is driving him. Anyway, on with more important matters, as Orton is apparently the only news on RAW right now, and Rock is yesterday. Rock plays “My dad whooped your dad” for three generations in response. And then tricks him into admitting owning a My Little Pony as a kid (“It was my sister’s!”) The upshot is that Rock wants a match RIGHT NOW, but Orton is of course not ready yet. Rock whoops him anyway, just because he can. Bischoff of course breaks up the party with security and throws him out of the building, but not before Rock gets off one last shot at him (“Of all the people to throw out, you pick the Rock? No wonder WCW went out of business!”) and doing some running commentary as he’s getting tossed. He also guarantees a Eugene victory tonight, so we’ll see if his guarantee powers are as strong as Vince’s. Awesome stuff throughout.

– Meanwhile, Benoit pleads on behalf of Eugene, offering a title match to HHH in exchange for Eric’s mercy. Eric of course has none, so Benoit just walks away.

– Women’s title: Trish Stratus v. Victoria. The dancing is gone, thankfully. Victoria gets a rollup for two to start, and the jigglesault gets two. Trish bails but Victoria is unable to follow thanks to Tomko, so Trish baseball slides her to take over. Back in, Trish throws some kicks and goes ground & pound, but Victoria blocks the high kick. Trish kicks her down again and gets the high kick and her own standing moonsault attempt, but Victoria rolls her up for two. Victoria slugs away, but walks into a spinebuster that gets two. Trish hits the chinlock, but Victoria slugs back and gets a clothesline, into the sideslam for two. Trish blocks a whip to the corner, but Victoria gets her own high kick and goes up with a moonsault for two, as Tomko saves. Victoria goes after him like a total moron and Trish rolls her up for the pin at 3:48. I HATE THAT FINISH. Please GOD think of another finish to replace that one so I never have to see it again. Match was going fine until then. *1/2 Victoria is saved from a beating from someone who appears to be Stevie Richards in bad drag. Well, I guess being a transvestite is better than not being on TV at all. I’m not sure HOW it’s better, though.

– Recap of the Passion of the Shawn from last week. Maybe Marty will return to save him next time.

– Meanwhile, Regal now pleads for Eugene to Eric, but he’s still a merciless bastard. Regal gives him hell, so Eric fires him as Eugene’s handler and makes him a wrestler again. His first match back is NEXT.

– William Regal v. Kane. Well, you had to see that one coming. Regal attacks him on the floor and gives him hell, but gets hiptossed on the floor and tossed into the ring. No match. I guess that’s to eliminate the other possibility for people helping Eugene tonight. Still, Regal going nuts on Kane was great for the 2 seconds it lasted.

– Meanwhile, Bischoff notes that HHH is scheduled to face the champion at Vengeance (huh?) and next week it’s Kane v. Benoit for the title.

– More crap from the Diva search. Although you have to admire a “reality show” that’s so obviously superficial and doesn’t seem to care.

– Randy Orton & Batista v. Edge & Chris Jericho. Ah, more mix & match Evolution goodness. We shall see if it works in a Benoit-less universe. Edge slugs away on Batista to no effect, and Batista uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and brings him to the heel corner for some punishment. Edge gets a dropkick on Orton, however, and pounds him down, then gets a forearm off an irish whip. A suplex gets two. Batista comes in, however, and hammers him in the corner, then gets a corner clothesline and chokes him out. Edge comes back with a drop toehold into the corner and brings in Jericho, who cleans house on the heels and clips Batista to set up an attempt at the Walls. Batista powers out, so Jericho dropkicks him and gets the bulldog. Lionsault gets two. Orton saves and it’s BONZO GONZO, as the faces clean house and Jericho whips Edge into a baseball slide on Orton. Batista kills Jericho dead with a lariat, however, and the ref calls for medical assistance. And we take a break. Back with Edge getting worked over 2-on-1, as Jericho is gone. Orton hits his twisted chinlock, but Edge fights out and gets a small package for two. Orton clobbers him with a clothesline for two. Orton keeps pounding him on the mat, but misses a dropkick, so he brings Batista in. He tries a powerslam, but Edge reverses to the Edge-o-Matic and both guys are out. Back to Orton, but Edge fights back and wins a slugfest, until Batista comes back in for the double-team. Edge keeps fighting, dropkicking Batista into the corner and spearing him into there, then spearing Evolution together in the corner. Bulldog on Orton and he clumsily sends Batista out, and reverses an Orton rollup for two. RKO is reversed to the spear, which gets two. Demon Bomb and RKO finish off Edge at 14:42. Well, that certainly makes Evolution look like badasses. **1/2 Not a great match or anything, since it was mostly Edge getting his ass kicked. And you’ll note that another two friends of Eugene are now out of the picture tonight.

– Meanwhile, Matt Hardy confides in Stacy (and 4 million people) that he’s gonna propose to Lita…but don’t tell anyone, because it’s a secret. Maybe don’t do it with the cameraman standing right there, then.

– Meanwhile, Eugene arrives in HHH’s limo.

– Matt joins us and brings Lita out for the proposal…but Kane interrupts. It’s his baby. How the hell he would know that when both guys have presumably been getting a piece of the pie is probably one of those questions that we’re better off not asking. Matt and Lita do a little melodrama in the ring while the crowd calls her a slut. I just hate this angle on so many levels.

– Meanwhile, Lita pleads with Matt and admits that the “baby might be yours”. Guys just LOVE to hear that from their girlfriend. How can anyone in their right mind sympathize with Lita here?

– Meanwhile, Evolution gives Eugene a peptalk and HHH asks him to take it easy on him. Eric pops in and HHH makes an impassioned speech on Eugene’s behalf…until Eugene leaves, at which point the evil plan is revealed.

– Eugene v. HHH. HHH even lets Eugene do the water-spit with him. Talk about giving someone the rub! HHH gets a hiptoss to start, but offers a handshake afterwards, just so we know it’s on the up-and-up. Eugene gets his own, however, and offers his own handshake. Next up, a headlock, as HHH works off that, but Eugene powers out of it. Eugene wants the test of strength, and quickly brings HHH down to his knees and into the ropes. HHH takes him down, but gets suplexed as a result, and he bails. We take a break from the thrilling action. We return with Eugene in control via an armbar, and HHH makes the ropes and protests to Eugene about his arm being hurt. That bit of emotional blackmail leaves Eugene open to a cheapshot, and HHH slugs him down and knees him on the ropes. He whips Eugene into the corner and chokes him out on the ropes, then keeps whipping him around. Eugene tries to fight back, but walks into a spinebuster for two. More choking on the ropes, via both HHH and Flair, but Eugene hulks up. He fights back with an atomic drop, both ways, and slugs HHH down. The AIRPLANE SPIN OF DOOM allows Eugene to go up, and the double axehandle gets two. HHH comes back and tries the Pedigree, but Eugene backdrops out and gets the Rock Bottom. People’s Elbow and HHH bails. Eugene stops to strut like Flair, but shows mercy on HHH and gets hit with KICK WHAM PEDIGREE. Eric interrupts and wants more punishment for his nephew. So HHH decides against the pin and gets a chair instead, but Benoit saves, and it’s a Sportz Entertainment Finish at 16:00 or so. Benoit hits Eugene by mistake, however, and HHH gives Benoit the Pedigree. And of course that’s the end of the show. Bad match, bad non-finish, as no one bought any of the Eugene near-falls and the match never went anywhere. *

The Bottom Line:

The whole show was built around the Eugene-HHH match, and it didn’t deliver, and the rest was a whopping two other matches and a WHOLE lot of filler. It wasn’t bad as a whole, but it felt like a major letdown after the electricity of Rock’s first segment.