The SmarKdown Rant – August 14 2003

The SmarKdown Rant – August 14, 2003

– Well, greetings to those of you who AREN’T forced to read this by candlelight right now. And in fact, newly discovered information reveals that in fact the entire blackout is the WWE’s fault. It seems that special, “Wild Animal” grade clippers were ordered for the purpose of cutting Kevin Nash’s hair, and when a power-on test was done on them, well, the entire east coast power grid blew out. When will we learn that technology and hair are not to be trifled with?

– So I’m watching Bad Boys II (and don’t even get me started on THAT piece of crap), but my current problem has more to do with the commercials that aired before the movie. Specifically (and I don’t know if this one is all over North America or what), one from the movie industry decrying the evils of piracy. Now, first of all, don’t get me wrong here – people who bring camcorders into movies and upload them to the internet should be hung by their balls. However, the whiny commercial, narrated by a “set painter” (probably an actor playing one, just because it’s Hollywood), makes two assertions about the situation:

1) The real victims are the innocent salaried workers who make the movie behind the scenes and don’t get a cut of the gross, and;

2) People who download movies on the internet are costing the movie industry money in general.

Okay, for the first one, last I checked people like set painters are unionized out the yin-yang and get paid well before a movie is even released, so even if a million people steal “Gigli”, they’re not affected by it. And in fact, movie studios are charging theaters so much for the prints that admission doesn’t even cover the cost of showing the movie — theaters are forced to make their money back with the ridiculously priced concessions. And further, each year is triumphantly announced by the studios as the most lucrative ever, as each new blockbuster is supposed to be better than the last and generally makes more than the last. So I don’t even see where movie piracy is causing a decline in revenue, let alone enough of a decline that common set painters would be out of work. Perhaps, and here’s a thought to ponder, they should make less crappy sequels and overwrought bandwagon-jumping comic book movies and pump money into the independent moviemakers who are suffering far more damage at the hands of the studio system than the studios themselves are. Further, what are the movies they showcase while whining about poor film studios? “The Big Chill” and “Dick Tracy”, two of the most sickeningly crass and commercial mainstream movies ever made. I mean, Dick Tracy was pretty fun, but would the world have cried if the set painter had been forced to work on “Weekend at Bernie’s 3” instead? Am I supposed to think fondly of the hard work done on “From Justin to Kelly”? The music industry at least kind of has a point, but until the movie industry stops paying Jennifer Lopez $20 million a movie and stops giving Michael Bay $200 million to make a friggin’ COP MOVIE, they can blow me.

– Taped from St. Louis, MI.

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

– Opening interview: Vince McMahon is here to introduce us to the REAL Brock Lesnar. Brock defines friendship according to the Vince McMahon Dictionary and declares that he stopped being friends with Kurt once he lost the title to him. Stephanie interrupts with obvious canned heat for her big babyface return. Vince is apparently a bad father and husband. Why does everyone always refer to Linda by prefacing it with their relationship to her? “My wife, Linda McMahon”, “My mother, Linda McMahon”…it’s like everyone would forget otherwise. Family reunions must be brutal for her – “Say, could you pass the potato salad, my third cousin twice-removed, Linda McMahon?” Anyway, the upshot of this thrilling confrontation is that our main event for tonight is actually Stephanie McMahon v. A-Train and we’re supposed to WANT TO WATCH THIS. Yeah.

– Smackdown tag titles: Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas v. Rey Mysterio & Billy Kidman. Funny how they talk about Kidman’s wedding, but don’t mention who he married. The champs are now “The Self Professed World’s Greatest Tag Team”, which I think is coming close to a record for longest team name. Haas headlocks Kidman and overpowers him, but Kidman gets a rana and an armdrag. He fights out of the corner, but Benjamin clips him and Haas goes to work. Benjamin stays on it, but gets hotshotted. Rey comes in with the flying butt and Rube Goldberg Bulldog on Haas. A slingshot DDT on Shelton gets two. Cheapshot by Haas allows a Northern Lights suplex by Shelton for two, but Kidman gets involved and hits Haas with a dive on the outside. In the ring, Rey gets a top rope rana for two. And we take a break. We return with Kidman guillotining Benjamin, but Rey gets dumped by Haas while setting up a 619. Rey is YOUR face-in-peril, although I guess he’s a mask-in-peril because you can’t see his face. Haas chokes away and works the arm, and Benjamin drops Rey on Haas’ knee for two. Shelton grabs a bearhug, but Rey fights out, only to eat knee. That gets two. Abdominal stretch, but Rey escapes and gets two. Back to the heel corner for the LEAPFROG OF DEATH, which gets two. To the top, but Rey’s missile dropkick is interrupted by Haas dropkicking him in mid-air and getting two. Haas goes back to the arm, but Rey dropkicks him. Benjamin cuts off the hot tag, however. Cradle gets two. Rey comes back with a seated dropkick, hot tag Kidman. Clotheslines abound and he takes both down with a headscissors. Rydien Bomb gets two on Haas. Haas suplexes him for two, but Rey breaks it up by Dropping the Dime and Kidman gets two. Kidman blocks the superkick from Benjamin, but Haas gets a spinebuster for two. Rey & Shelton brawl outside as Haas & Kidman battle to the top and Rey slips back in to powerbomb Haas down, allowing Kidman to hit him with the Shooting Star Press while Rey dispatches Benjamin with the 619 in an extraordinarily timed sequence. That all gets two, as Rey brawls out with Benjamin again, but Benjamin sneaks in a cheapshot on Kidman and Haas rolls him up to retain at 15:14. Another great match from these guys. **** Funny how that breakup keeps getting delayed longer as they get more over as a team.

– Danny Basham v. Billy Gunn. Billy cleans house to start, but gets jumped by Danny. Billy gets a clothesline and slugs him down. Hiptoss neckbreaker gets two. Shaniqua attacks Torrie, allowing the Bashams to double-team Billy with whatever and give Danny the pin at 1:14, which is about as long as this storyline can hold my attention. DUD Noble saves from a heel beatdown, but it goes badly for him in the end. No one cares.

– Elsewhere, the APA make fun of Shaniqua and talk about restarting the office again.

– Undertaker v. Big Show. Funny how UT v. Cena was supposed to elevate Cena, but Taker is the one with a PPV match. Show overpowers him to start, but Taker dodges him. Taker can’t take him down, and Show tosses him around as a result. Taker comes back with clotheslines, and reverses a chokeslam into an armbar takedown. Taker works the arm and DDTs him for two. Guillotine on the apron and keeps on the arm with the ROPEWALK OF DEATH. My new least favorite Cole-ism: “Vintage Undertaker!” Show sideslams him and pounds on the ribs. What’s with all the psychology suddenly? I guess UT is the new DDP. Clothesline gets two. Show drops an elbow and steps on him. They slug it out, and this is also apparently “vintage Undertaker”. Punching is vintage Undertaker? Taker gets a legdrop for two. He slugs away in the corner and gets a pair of splashes in the corner, but Show hits the ribs again and the ref is bumped. Show crotches himself and hits the floor, where they brawl. Show gets posted and they fight into the crowd, but A-Train continues stinking up the show and attacks UT to give Show the countout win at 10:53. That’s 10 hours, 53 minutes by my internal clock. Match had good energy for about 90 seconds, but Undertaker isn’t the guy to keep up Show’s streak of decent matches. *

– Tajiri v. Rhyno. Eddie & Benoit are doing color commentary here, as Chris is all fake sincerity sharing memories of the road with Eddie. Rhyno attacks to start, but Tajiri kicks him until getting laid out. Rhyno suplexes him for two. Tajiri kicks him down for two. Tarantula, but the Big Kick misses and Rhyno powerbombs him. Rhyno works the shoulder, but misses the GOAR and the Big Kick finishes for Tajiri at 2:02. Ah, parity booking meets parody commentating. This was too short and totally overwhelmed by Eddie’s hyperactive comedy routine at ringside. Ѕ* Benoit wants a ride in the lowrider, and DEMANDS that Eddie make the hydraulics bounce, which creeps Eddie out enough that he backs off. Funny stuff, but it’s not Benoit wrestling Eddie, so fuck ‘em.

– Zach Gowen v. John Cena. Cena’s super offensive rap is funny stuff as usual. Zach kicks from the corner to start, but gets dumped by Cena and stomped down. Cena tosses him around by the leg and chokes away. Monster backdrop and FU, but Cena changes his mind and decides to hit it from the top instead. Gowen reverses that to a DDT-looking thing, but it looked bad. He comes back with a pair of dropkicks and a bulldog for two. High cross is caught by Cena and the FU finishes for real at 3:08. Squash city. Ѕ*

– Elsewhere, Spanky chugs chocolate sauce, but spills some on Vince, which of course annoys him. So figuring he might as well go for the home run I guess, Spanky brings up the XFL and talks himself into a match with Brock Lesnar.

– Brock Lesnar v. Spanky. Brock mauls him to start and lawn-darts him to start, and turns a rana attempt into the triple powerbomb. About time he brought that back. Brock pauses to grab a chair, and lays out Spanky for the DQ at 1:43. DUD Spanky bleeds, but not as bad as was claimed in the spoilers. He tosses him into the post for good measure. That’s more like it.

– Alleged Main Event: Stephanie McMahon v. A-Train. The fact that Steph wrestles at all, let alone in two main events on this show this year and a PPV match, is pretty telling. Sable is ring announcer. Steph attacks her during the introduction, but A-Train comes out to start the action. She tries slaps, but gets thrown around. Corner splash and Vince gives the kill sign, but Undertaker and Big Show “run” in to really amp up the thrills. They brawl, and Train stops to finish with a pump splash at 2:28. DUD Vince & Sable make out to end the show. Kill me now.

The Bottom Line: Well, it started strong with a **** tag match, so that’s enough for a thumbs up this week, but MAN was the rest of the show a shitstain. Who are they kidding with Stephanie and A-Train as a main event?

Well, Vince I guess.