The SmarKdown Rant – June 26 2003

The SmarKdown Rant – June 26, 2003

– Taped from Noo Yawk.

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

– I wonder if there’s any rednecks watching the NBA draft on ESPN and wondering how both shows can be coming from Madison Square Garden at the same time?

– Opening match: John Cena v. Orlando Jordan. Josh Matthews is doing the ring announcing for some reason. Cena announces that he’ll be main-eventing Wrestlemania XX and issues an open challenge to any rookie punks who wanna step up. That turns out to be Jordan, who Cena calls a “Billy Blanks lookalike bitch”. I can see why they brought Jordan up based on look, but I’ve heard he’s not that great. Jordan attacks to start and gets a backdrop and a flying forearm. Charge hits boot, but he recovers with a powerslam for two. Enzuigiri, but Cena hammers him into a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER. The F-U is blocked by Jordan and Cena bails off a dropkick. Jordan’s got major nerves going. Jordan goes up, but Cena cuts him off. Jordan comes down with a flying bodypress, however, which Cena rolls through for the pin at 1:53. Nothing special. Ѕ* Undertaker comes out for no particular reason and offers respect to Jordan. You may or may not recall that he did the exact same thing with Cena when he debuted, and it didn’t help him one bit.

– The FBI v. Undertaker & The APA. You can see how Undertaker would want backup against the FBI, being that he was able to beat up all three of them week after week alone. Oh, wait, that DOESN’T make sense, my mistake. Taker starts with Palumbo, who grabs a headlock, but UT takes him down and works on the arm. Tazz talking about Taker’s matwork and submissions is possibly the most ludicrous thing I’ve heard all week. Taker comes back with the flying clothesline and ROPEWALK OF DOOM, but he stops to go after the other FBI members and gets jumped by Palumbo. Stamboli comes in and gets DDTd, but Nunzio breaks it up. Ron Simmons comes in with a slam for two. Spinebuster, but the FBI get him from behind and the Bull stomps away. They struggle through the double-hipblock and get two. Nunzio comes in with some shots that are ineffective, but Palumbo keeps him in the heel corner. Palumbo hits the chinlock and that goes on for a while. Simmons powers out and makes the hot tag to Bradshaw Gunn. He hammers on Palumbo in the corner and gives the Bull a blockbuster slam, and Undertaker chokeslams Palumbo, and Bradshaw finishes Stamboli with the Clothesline From Heck at 6:23. Another yawner, and they’ve been “pushing” the FBI with constant losses to Undertaker for a couple of months now and fans still don’t buy them as upper card guys. *

– Elsewhere, Noble & Nidia annoy New Yorkers, but an attorney tracks them down and informs them that Jamie’s Aunt Lucille died and left him $827,000. Well, now they can buy a TRIPLE WIDE trailer!

– Elsewhere, Sable hits on Vince, but he’s not in the mood tonight.

– US title tournament: Matt Hardy v. Rikishi. Still no brackets. Rikishi flattens Matt for two to start, and charges in with a corner splash. Matt bails to avoid a Stinkface, and they head back in after Matt posts Rikishi, and gets two. He surfboards him, but Rikishi escapes with a clothesline. Matt walks into a belly to belly, and tries a Twist of Fate, which is reversed into a Rikishi Driver. That gets two. They must be relaxing the piledriver rule. Banzai drop hits knee, Twist of Fate gets two. Matt uncovers a turnbuckle, but walks into a superkick. Rikishi charges again and hits the exposed steel, and yet another Twist of Fate finishes at 4:05. That last sequence was pretty unnecessary. *

– Elsewhere, Josh interviews Billy Kidman, sitting in the crowd and being unhappy about it.

– Smackdown tag titles: Eddie Guerrero & Tajiri v. Roddy Piper & Sean O’Haire. O’Haire slugs it out with Guerrero to start, and Eddie slingshots in with a senton and pounds him down. Tajiri kicks away in the corner and gets the handspring elbow, and an enzuigiri gets two. Tarantula is broken up by Roddy Piper, and O’Haire slams him. Tajiri kicks him off-guard with kicks, but Sean kicks him down and brings in Piper. A chop gets two. They do the heel switchoff and O’Haire grabs a chinlock. Tajiri counters a powerslam with a bulldog, and makes the hot tag to Guerrero. Eddie slugs Roddy in the corner, but O’Haire superkicks him. Piper slugs him down, but gets misted by Tajiri, setting up a frog splash for the win at 3:51. I had that one pegged as Piper getting the belts to set up a match against Hogan & Gowen. Match was very basic and very short and didn’t really do anything to highlight Eddie & Tajiri’s strengths. ѕ*

– Vince calls out Zack and Stephanie. Vince talks about how she’s always been his little girl and admits that he whored her out at 17. He’s learned something about himself, and about Gowen. Why is Gowen wearing one of those shirts with the sleeves cut off like wrestlers do? That’s generally done to accentuate muscles, not call attention to lack of them. Anyway, Vince wants to be Gowen and understand him and stuff. But he doesn’t accept the apology. He decides to stand up to Vince and not be a joke. Kid cuts a good promo. He wants a contract, so Vince agrees as long as he joins the Kiss My Ass club. But he goes low instead (pretty weak shot at that). Yet another endless, pointless segment in this feud, which seems to center around Vince’s ass a lot.

– Ultimo Dragon v. Shannon Moore. Rey Rey is doing color for this. Moore grabs a headlock to start and gets nowhere. Dragon flips out of a wristlock, but so does Moore. Dragon does some gymnastics and a handspring elbow that puts Moore out, and Dragon fakes a highspot. Moore back in, and he trips up Dragon for two. Backdrop suplex gets two. We hit the chinlock, and Moore tries a suplex, reversed to a headscissors by Dragon. Leg lariat and Dragon sweeps him down and nails him with the kick combo for two. Moore charges and gets dumped, and Dragon follows with the Asai moonsault. Back in, he gets two. Dragon chops away, but charges and hits knee in the corner. Shannon goes up and gets caught, as Dragon brings him down with a jawbreaker. Kneelifts and a backflip inverted DDT finish at 4:53. Dragon looked good, but a bit rusty and not terribly impressive. It’s to be understood, though. **

– Kurt Angle, Mr. America & Brock Lesnar v. The Team Formerly Known As Team Angle & Big Show. Haas & Angle work the mat to start, and Angle gets a backdrop and goes for the arm. Haas pounds him down and Benjamin comes in, but walks into an elbow. Angle pounds away and gets a cross-body, bringing America in. He cleans house on the heels and gets an elbow on Benjamin for two. Hogan and Happy Fun Brock double-team Shelton, and Brock kills him with a clothesline. Tazz coins the term “manster” for Brock. Is that like a gay file-sharing program? Haas comes in and they slug it out, which ends with Haas getting press-slammed. America comes in and slugs Haas down, and a corner clothesline follows. Backdrop suplex gets two. Brock comes in again and pounds Haas in the corner, and a vertical suplex brings us to a commercial break. We return with Brock getting a spinebuster on Haas and tossing Benjamin. F5 is broken up with a cheapshot from Benjamin, and Not Team Angle double-teams Lesnar with the leapfrog choke. Show comes in with a slam and hammers him in the corner. Choking follows. Brock tries a slam, but Show puts him down again. Brock comes back with a backdrop suplex, and makes the hot tag to Kurt Angle. Flying forearm for Haas, release german on Benjamin, and one on Haas for good measure, but Haas catches him from behind. Angle takes him down with the anklelock, but Show breaks it up. Show & Lesnar take each other out of the match, leaving Former Team Angle to double-team Angle. Heel miscommunication allows Angle to legsweep Benjamin, and tags bring America & Big Show in. It’s hulk up time without even taking a shot, and he slugs away on Show in the corner and gets a corner clothesline. Show evades the big boot, allowing a heel beatdown. Lesnar & Angle make the save with an F5 and Angle Slam respectively, but Show chokeslams both of them. America hulks up yet again and looks to finish, but Vince drags Zack Gowen out as a hostage to distract him. This leads to a chokeslam for the clean pin at 17:21. Pretty standard stuff. **1/2

– Stephanie saves Zack from any further beatings, so Vince makes a match next week with Gowen & Stephanie against Big Show, for the contract.

The Bottom Line:

Totally forgettable show this week, but nothing bad outside of the neverending Vince v. Stephanie storyline and the total lack of planning of the US title tournament.

And that’s about it, really.