The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 11.06.08

Allow me to reintroduce myself…

Last week, I stated, “Next Tuesday is a very important day in the history of our country.” Poor grammar aside, I was correct in stating the obvious. Tuesday wound up being quite the monumental occasion as our first African American President was elected by an overwhelming majority of people. While many spent their Tuesday night watching silly holograms on CNN (hooray for virtual Will-I-Am), I devoted my time lining up an interview for this week’s news report. Right after history was made, I called up one of my few contacts in the WWE for an exclusive interview!

My Interview With…

“Freebird” Michael Hayes!

Small: Michael, how do you feel with Barack Obama, an African American, as our country’s President-elect?

Hayes: Barack? Man, he ain’t black enough. I’ve got soul, brother. I’m more of a

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Keep waiting…

Yes, Yes…

WHAMMY!!!!!

Welcome back to another star-studded edition of the Small-For-All News Report. While the United States changes their Presidents every four years, you at least know, that I will be with you every Thursday. Unless of course a more plum spot opens somewhere else. Then with the help of my agent Scott Boras, I’ll be laughing my way to the bank. Well, until, January when Obama’s new tax plans go into effect. Yikes, I better send my feelers to Inside Pulse pronto!

Regardless, I’m still here today which means you will witness all the latest in random, obscure news. These news items include the crowning of a new champion, what WWE superstar recently asked for his release (and was granted it), what WWE superstar knows his expiring contract will not be renewed, and most importantly, when will an imposter Rey Mysterio haunt Monday nights! All this plus the latest in TNA!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Our Champion Once Again

Author’s Note: I haven’t watched this past week’s Raw and have no interest in finding a torrent of it. Instead of watching the 800th birthday celebration, I tuned into Monday Night Football to watch the Pittsburgh Steelers pound the living shit out of the Washington Redskins. Seeing as I only needed the Redskins to score more than 7 points to win my Fantasy Matchup (they only scored six), I was not in a swell mood after the game. Not even a hologram version of the Great Khali for me to play Guitar Hero World Tour with would have made me feel any better. Ahem, fuck Jason Campbell.

This past Monday on the 806th edition of Raw, Chris Jericho reclaimed his World Championship by defeating Batista in a Six Sides of Steel Cage Match. Needless to say the entire wrestling community was shocked that our favorite Melina banging, steroid abusing, pimp suit wearing, backstage complaining musclehead only served a week title reign. Now while there’s no insider news on this title change (choke on that Mike Johnson), allow Mr. Small to speculate on this switch.

First, let’s face the facts here: Cyber Sunday will have an awful buyrate. Not only was the show Khali-free, there weren’t too many must-see matches on the card. Granted, the show turned out a lot better than expected because Show/Taker had another quality match and both title matches were solid, but I doubt anyone really would part their $40 for the show. Now, in the past, when McMahonagement has a hunch that a show will not hit their forecasted buyrate, they usually try to mix things up in a positive way. Why? To increase DVD purchases which probably have a higher margin than a PPV buy (I’d ask JP if my assumption is correct, but I don’t really care). A good example of this is Armageddon 2006 when instead of a meh Layla London & The Kendrick vs. William Regal & some released British guy, fans received a special four way tag team ladder match instead! It’s pretty smart business in fact as suckers like me will probably purchase Cyber Sunday due mainly to the change in championships. Then again, I said the same for Unforgiven and I haven’t picked up that show yet (dammit, bitches, we are in a recession!).

In addition, with so many recent title changes (five changes in the last six months), it goes to show that anything can really happen in the WWE (except for a Jeff Hardy title reign). While I’m not advocating for new champions every month, it does bring some excitement back to a stagnant product. Plus, if marks believe that a title will change every show, it might even slightly increase buyrates.

As for why Chris Jericho is champion once again, I guess it goes to show you that you can’t count out our savior. Not only has he defeated Shawn Michaels in countless matches, punked out CM Punk, Jericho is perhaps the only one that can save us from the true terror in this world:

Guineasaurus Rex!

Or perhaps the WWE wanted a huge championship match for Survivor Series. Now if Jericho can pull a fast one over on hometown hero John Cena, I will be seriously impressed.

He Left on his Juan Deere

News broke yesterday that Super Crazy was released from his WWE contract. While most were surprised that he was still on the payroll, according to the Wrestling Observer, “SmackDown wrestler Super Crazy (real name Francisco Pantoja Islas) reportedly quit the company at a show this past week. It came out of nowhere, and he was said to be unhappy with his status in the company. He’s been been promised pushes a number of times, but they’ve never materialized.”

So to set the record straight, Super Crazy wanted his release and frankly I don’t blame him. Crazy’s been wasted ever since he was drafted to Raw in 2006. Crazy became a comedy character and a Heat mainstay where he languished for years. Not only that, but the motherfucker got fat. Like Kristie Ally fat which is definitely not wellness approved. Perhaps if he maintained a steady diet and showed like he gave a damn in his matches, he might have gotten the Kung Fu Naki push. But really, it’s not that big of a deal. Goodbye Super Crazy.

Memories fade but the scars still linger.
Goodbye my friend.
Will I ever love again?

Gone Chucky Gone

According to the Wrestling Observer, “Raw wrestler Chuck Palumbo’s WWE contract is set to expire soon. Considering that Palumbo hasn’t been talked about in months and is never used, the feeling is that it won’t be renewed by WWE. Palumbo is already looking at life after WWE as he’s got former Natural Born Thrillers members Jon Hugger (a.k.a. Johnny “The Bull” Stamboli) working on getting him in AAA, as well as Mark Jindrak (Marco Corleone) getting him in CMLL. Hugger is currently in AAA under his “Rellik” gimmick.”

Did you know that Rellik spelled backwards is Killer?

Anyway, like Super Crazy, I’m really not sad to see Chuck Palumbo go. His run as an abusive boyfriend to Michelle McCool was alright but his biker gimmick was pretty lame. Really, Palumbo is better served as a tag team specialist as he has the big moves to pop the crowd but not enough to keep them interested in a singles match. Unfortunately, with the WWE anti-tag teams, he would never make it big in the company. Another stint in Japan is the best place for him unless he wants to bring back the FBI in Mexico.

Shawty Get Low

According to Dot Net, “MVP and Rey Mysterio are among the wrestlers who have pushed for Low Ki to receive a WWE tryout. Two of the ideas that have been pitched are for Low Ki to play a heel Rey Mysterio impostor or a new masked character to feud with Mysterio.”

A Rey Mysterio impostor? Surely, that will put asses in the seats. Why don’t they just rename him Ki-Lo and have him be the long lost brother of D’Lo Brown?

In all seriousness, I can’t see Low Ki in the WWE. Tajiri showed that not even awesome sounding kicks will ever lead to a serious push in the company. Throw in the fact that the majority of his moveset will be watered down and his “lackluster attitude” and I’m not sure he would be a good fit in the E. Hell, it’d still be fun for him to come in, last a few months feuding with Rey Mysterio, and disappear like his name was Scotty Goldman.

Biten’ Newsbites

From all the usual sources:

WWE has moved up its tour of India, as it’s now considered a prime market by the company. TV is now up to date as well, and Smackdown actually airs in India before North American viewers.

KHALI!!!! See the Khali face turn now makes sense.

Best Buy is releasing a seven-disc Viva La Raza: The Legacy of Eddie Guerrero DVD set next week.

Viva La Savings! For those wondering this $39.99 package consists of the three-disc Viva La Raza set, the two-disc Cheating Death, Stealing Life DVD set, No Way Out 2004, and the Raw Tribute after his death. Suncoast/FYE is selling a similar set with the Smackdown Tribute probably for a retail price of $75.

Add the word “backbreaker” to the banned WWE vernacular.

So spinebuster is okay but not backbreaker. Good thing no one uses a sidewalk slam anymore!

While you are reading this, you are missing out on Wrestlemania tickets.

Granted, I’m waiting until Saturday to purchase my six tickets (my crew + the J’s). Wrestlemania has become a yearly tradition and a worthwhile vacation for this guy. See y’all in Houston!

This year’s Tribute to the Troops will be broadcast on NBC.

As much shit we give Vince McMahon, this is one of his classiest ideas and one of the few days when I’m proud to be a wrestling fan.

RANDOM INTERLUDE

Is there anything funnier than this video?

And no, I’m not stealing Larry’s Random Question segment. Well perhaps just this week…

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Awesome Lashing

According to Gerweck.net, Awesome Kong received a verbal lashing from TNA Management when she tried to hold them up for a pay raise. Kong’s contact was set to expire in October before she signed a new deal.

Unlike the Motor City Machine Guns, who needed many months to climb out of the TNA doghouse, Kong’s hold up did not effect her Knockout persona as she just recently became Knockout Champion again. The bigger question here is “Whatever happened to the Gail Kim contract situation?” I don’t think she ever signed with the WWE so what is she doing? Smallophiles, let me know!

Differentiation Done Right

According to the main page, “TNA has signed former WWE graphics department head William Goertel. This signing is considered a big deal as Goertel was in charge of WWE’s graphics department for roughly a decade.”

Considering one of the main drawbacks of TNA is that a lot of their presentation is a direct copy of the E’s (see ex-E member David Sahadi’s PPV videos), I don’t know how well this signing is for the company. Granted it’s a nice coup for the company but let’s make sure TNA tries to be an alternative and not a plagiarist.

Weeds

From the main page, Shelly Martinez appeared at the Playboy Halloween party strategically covered in pot leaves.

One must wonder whether she was making a statement or that she actually forgot her Halloween costume. While Shelly contributed nothing to either WWE or TNA, I will never forget when she blew off JP at the TNA Impact Launch Party!

Aw Fuck, There’s a PPV This Weekend

Seriously, I had no idea there was a PPV this weekend. Thanks 411 Main Page! Here’s the card for those in the know:

TNA Championship
Sting © vs. AJ Styles

TNA Legends Title
Booker T © vs. Christian Cage

TNA Tag Team Championship
Beer Money © vs. The MCMGs

Grudge Match
Kurt Angle vs. Abyss

Grudge Match
Samoa Joe vs. Kevin Nash

Grudge Match
Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Rhino

X-Division Seeding Match to Determine the X-Division #1 Contender

Overall, this card looks pretty darn good. While it might not draw the greatest of buyrates, it looks to be a solid show. Surprisingly, outside of the X-Division Contender match, there’s no gimmick matches on the card. Considering so many were used last month at Bound for Glory, a straight-up wrestling PPV is nice to see. Stay tuned to 411 on Sunday for live coverage!

COMING ATTRACTIONS

After speaking with JP earlier this week, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need a vacation every four weeks. Seeing as this marks my fifth news report in a row, perhaps I’ll take off next week. Find out then!

Meehan’s in tomorrow!

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!