wrestling / Columns
The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 08.10.10
Uppers and Downers
Pardon my appearance this evening but I am easily running out of gas. Last week was tumultuous as the bidding wars for my services escalated like no other. Between meetings with my agent, Sterling Archer, and meetings with the representatives from all of the other websites, I am spent. In fact, I really wish I had the opportunity to curl up into a ball somewhere and hide as this shit is way more stressful than I could have ever imagined. I don’t even have any nails left to bite since this decision making processed started.
Due to the popularity surrounding my decision, I was planning on opening a Twitter account to celebrate my decision with all my Smallophiles. Sadly, though, JeffSmall has already been taken by some bald headed man from Phoenix. And he only has 3 followers! Hell, I could piss out more followers after a night of Edward 40hands. Can someone convince this guy to give it up for me? I am sure that the 4 people he is following will be okay with it (unless its Scientology people – then I am not going to touch it with a 20 foot pole).
But you know something I would touch with a 20 foot pole? SWAYZE! And hey, if this is indeed the final Small-For-All, it would be foolish if I did not clean out the malebag.
Joe’s Dilemma
Many of you stated how Joe was seemingly fucked even if he were to return to ROH as he had already ploughed through the entire roster. And you are right as Joe is definitely on a step above ROH but has not been through the rigorous “walk the walk” and “talk the talk” challenges he would face on NXT. Throw in the fact that ROH cannot pay Joe what he wants and it appears that Joe just has to suck up his suspension (which broke after my news report last week) and possibly jump ship to the WWE in the future. Because that’s what all the cool kids are doing (except for Desmond Wolfe, who is a jobber now).
Hating
From cpbasil, “How can you classify John Cena as a non-worker? I liked your column better when you were a little more positive.”
Oh come on, if this was last year, you would all love the Cena “non-worker” joke. Jeez.
Yummy
From one of many people asking me to stay on 411, the mecca, “stay on 411! tuesday sucks in general and one of the few things i have to look forward to is this report. and when i can talk my wife in to steak-ums.”
Why eat steak-ums when you can have her make this feast for you –
One year later, I am still in shock that for five dollars I can get Grade-A Mexican enchiladas, refried beans, rice, and a fucking brownie!
Where in the World Is Small?
From SomeRandomGuest, “So um Small, if I didn’t know better I’d think you lived in Austin, TX. That video of the hide your kids guy was the main topic of conversation on a local radio station yesterday.”
I think that’s been a topic nationwide. Sadly, I am not from Texas – hell, I live no where near the South. But I appreciate the try.
They Live!
From SHADE, “Jeff Small is without a doubt the “they” that Samoa Joe, Matt Morgan, and Abyss keep referring to all the time and he will be the one to stop ECVW3200.”
Honestly, I do not think I have the ability to even stop D-Ray 3000.
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Yes, yes…
WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Welcome back to the only news report that hopes that you miss him when he’s gone – the Small-For-All News Report. In today’s edition, we quickly cover all of this week’s hot topics before getting down to the real meat and potatoes of this column – my decision!
NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS
Fade to Black
According to PWInsider, “According to multiple sources within World Wrestling Entertainment, the company has signed reigning ROH World Champion Tyler Black to a contract.
It is believed that Black signed a developmental deal with WWE, but it has not been confirmed. He is expected to start with the company in September.
Black, who has been with Ring of Honor since 2007, has several title defenses scheduled next month. He will defend the ROH World Championship at the Glory by Honor Internet pay-per-view on Sept. 11 against Roderick Strong.”
I have only seen Black once on ROH Television but was impressed with his skills. Granted, at 6’1″, he dwarfs the majority of ROH wrestlers which leads to the appearance that Black is an agile big man. In the WWE, he would probably be a midcarder and probably in a tag team. But hey, if Lucky Cannon can get a shot at stardom, I expect Black to get one too.
So yeah, I do not have much to say about Black’s signing except for that I like it. CM Punk has shown that indy wrestlers can win championships in the WWE so it is no surprise that guys like Bryan Danielson, Kaval, and now Black would want to join the WWE. In fact, both Danielson and Kaval received better than expected pushes on the two seasons of NXT so there’s no reason why Black cannot do the same.
Sensible Randy Orton
According to the Torch, “Randy Orton was visibly upset with The Miz following his match against Jey Uso during the July 26 Raw. After hitting the RKO on Sheamus, Miz entered the ring to tease cashing in the Money in the Bank briefcase. “The Viper” then hit the RKO on Miz and was unable to hide his frustration. The word coming out of the show is that Orton felt Miz was positioned in a manner that indicated he was about to be hit with the signature maneuver.
Similarly, Orton angrily reacted during a bout with Kingston last January when the Ghanaian grappler messed up the timing of the finish. Orton was seen on-camera shouting “stupid,” among other obscenities, towards him. It is said that Kingston’s “main event” push at the time was single handedly derailed due to the incident. Likewise, Anderson’s untimely dismissal from World Wrestling Entertainment last year was largely attributed to Orton, as a result of the former Mr. Kennedy inadvertently dropping “The Viper” on his head with a back suplex. Orton later admitted to complaining to management about Anderson’s in-ring work, which was the primary reason for his release from the organization.”
I love how this news piece paints Randy Orton as having the ultimate clout in the WWE. Torch, let me fuck you up with some truth. First off, let’s tackle Mr. Kennedy. Of the three incidents above, this release probably had a lot to do with Orton. That said, Kennedy missed a shit-ton of time due to injuries and almost injured their top heel at that time. While I do not think that Orton should have went crazy afterwards, he does have a right to complain if he feels Kennedy was being reckless in the ring.
As for Kofi Kingston, I do not believe that the messed up finish led to Kofi’s de-push. Rather, Kofi’s de-push coincided with the busiest time of the year – the Road to WrestleMania. While Kofi had a strong fall, there was no way he would have made it to a position to have a top match at WrestleMania; in fact, his name was always mentioned in the Money in the Bank match.
And now, I doubt the Miz will see any ramifications from this “incident.” He’s clearly the next chosen main eventer and with the Money in the Bank briefcase, there is a very good chance that he will be a WWE Champion by the Fall. An Orton/Miz feud would make a ton of sense if Orton defeats Sheamus at Summerslam (which is what I expect) and I expect Orton to be professional during that match (which he was when the two fought a couple weeks ago).
And hey, if you have issue with Orton being a hothead in the ring, he’s not the first wrestler to lose his shit during a match (Sid did it first at Wrestlemania 13).
Biten Newsbites
Stolen from all your favorite sources.
Recent WWE buyrates were down with the worst offender being WWE Fatal 4 Way only doing 143,000 buys (down from the Bash’s 178,000). Over the Limit had a down buyrate too.
Well, the problem with Over the Limit was it had no fucking gimmick. If the WWE wants to do gimmick PPVs outside of WrestleMania and Summerslam, then Over the Limit needed a bar fight gimmick. Hell, a JBL appearance would have increased buys. By itself, it was a poorly branded, poorly promoted PPV. Likewise, Fatal 4 Way had an awful build and unlike other gimmicks, fatal four way matches aren’t a sexy buy. There’s no promise of carnage like in many of the other gimmick shows.
That said, I do believe that Money in the Bank will have a strong buyrate thanks to the strength of the MITB gimmick.
Michelle McCool was named as the top women’s wrestler in North American according to an upcoming edition of Pro Wrestling Illustrated.
Good. Good.
While I have enjoyed the Raws leading up to Summerslam, I must say that I am not too pleased with how the card turned out. Sure I expect the Nexus vs. Team WWE match to be solid (not awesome due to too many green rookies) but there’s really nothing else I really want to see. Sheamus/Orton’s build has been fine but the match won’t turn out to be anything special. Same goes for Kane/Rey. And that’s pretty it since the undercard is comprised of a women’s match and a handicapped match. Is that really enough for the second biggest PPV of the year? Or will a hot tag team match and the Undertaker’s apparent return be enough to save the show? I guess time will tell.
THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THE INTERNET (THIS WEEK)
Last week’s introduction to Antoine Dodson was a universal hit. This week, I could not find anything that holds a candle to it so I figured you all deserve more Antoine Dodson. Here is the just released full song version of “Bed Intruder” sung by Mr. Dodson himself.
Unlike last week’s snippet, the full song includes a second verse, windchimes, a choir, and handclaps (just the claps)! I don’t really get the clips of a ballet but whatever, the song is still fucking funny. And you can buy it on ITunes! What’s more American than that?
NEWS FROM THE EXTREME LAND OF ORLANDO
Hardcore Fallout
No, I did not watch Sunday’s Hardcore Justice PPV. In fact, I have yet to watch ECW One Night Stand 2 and probably will not get around to that. So no misleading opinion on the show from me. Instead, we are going to talk about a few cold, hard, facts.
First up, in a page out of JP’s playbook, according to Figure 4 Weekly, “Contrary to popular belief, World Wrestling Entertainment’s legal department made no threats regarding TNA Wrestling’s HardCORE Justice pay-per-view event. The talent name changes were TNA being proactive to avoid potential legal problems as opposed to reactive.”
Seems like I was not the only person indifferent with the ECW Reunion.
“TNA Wrestling officials have discussed using some of the HardCORE Justice talent going forward, though not many. A few performers are on hand for this week’s television tapings.”
Yup, if you were to read this week’s spoilers, you will see that Hardcore Justice was not the last hurrah for the EV2 stable. Even better, the EV2 stable will get a feud with some real wrestlers that actually are on the TNA payroll. Not that it wasn’t cool to see the return of Kahoneys, PJ Polaco, and Little Guido, but those guys are not going to push the ratings needle.
Back to the Olive Garden for you, Justin!
Dreamcatcher
From the Torch, “Some wrestlers are saying that Tommy Dreamer has specifically stated in phone conversations that he’s “inches away” from taking over the head writer’s position currently occupied by Vince Russo. He has told some of his former ECW colleagues that he has ideas for them and there is a chance they will get contracts with the organization.”
If Hardcore Justice has a solid buyrate (15,000 buys), then Dreamer will have more clout in trying to usurp Russo. That said, if TNA has not canned Russo by now for a ton of ridiculous storylines and gimmicks, then I cannot see Dreamer having enough power to become the head writer. But hey, a boy can dream, can’t he?
Jeff Small’s Decision
Last week, I detailed the five websites that wanted my services. While many of them had great offers (I can bring in a team, the #1 slot, actual money), there were issues with all of them. I also had the option to stay at home with 411Mania and Larry was kind enough to offer me an unlimited supply of the highly delicious Pretzel M&Ms.
After much deliberation and after speaking with my mother (when she was not banging Chris Lansdell), I have come to my conclusion. This fall, I am going to take my talents nowhere and stay with 411MANIA!!!!
While it was a really tough decision, at the end of the day, I wanted to stick it out with the website that brought me all of my fame and fortune. Plus at the last minute, CSONKA granted me two weeks of vacation along with the Pretzel M&Ms. So what does that mean? I’m gone until September, bitches. Wake me up then.
For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and I am not going anywhere…
Yet.
