The Wrestling Bazaar: NWA/TNA Weekly PPV #7

To everyone who enjoys reading these early TNA PPV reviews, I apologize for my absence. Starting with this review, I am going to try out a more streamlined way of writing my play-by-play. I feel as though the move-by-move thing is a little boring- not only to read, but to write as well.

July 31, 2002- The Asylum in Nashville, Tennessee

Usual opening video opens, and Mike Tenay welcomes us to the show. Straight to the ring for our first match.

Match One: X-Division Championship- AJ Styles© vs. Elix Skipper
At this point, Elix Skipper was only known as “That guy who competed in the dying days of the WCW Cruiserweight Division.” Jerry Lynn is on commentary. Right off the bat, the presentation in the new arena is much better. It is brighter and the camera angles are greatly improved. Styles dominates the early part of the match, getting in a nice moonsault off of Skipper’s chest in the corner. Lynn puts over Styles’ athleticism. The advantage switches over to Skipper after he connects with a nice full nelson suplex. He is trying to get over a “What time is it?” catchphrase. I think the idea here is for Skipper to be heel, but the crowd cheers his offense just as much as they do Styles. Styles tries for a comeback with some kicks, but he goes for one too many and gets caught. Skipper works over the neck, getting in an axe kick with Styles’ head placed across the apron. He then transitions a double underhook suplex into a neck vice. Pretty cool spot. Styles plays the resilient babyface role and tries to go for a rana, but gets caught with a powerbomb on the way down. Styles starts to turn things around by countering a suplex into a dragon sleeper. He lets his confidence get to him though and misses a top rope leg drop. Skipper gives him a taste of his own medicine with a corkscrew plancha to the outside. Skipper gets a little too cocky and goes for a springboard move, but Styles kicks his legs out from under him. This allows Styles to hit with a Spiral Tap for the win.
Winner: AJ Styles in 13:00 to retain the X-Division Championship
Rating: **3/4 (Good, focused match. Skipper had a nice plan in place, attacking the neck to set up his Play of the Day finisher. I must say, Lynn’s pro-Styles commentary was a little fishy.)

At ringside, Mike Tenay announces that the NWA World Heavyweight Championship belt has been returned to Ken Shamrock after Malice walked away with it last week. The 60-day suspension of Jeff Jarrett has been lifted as well- he has a match tonight with Scott Hall.

All of a sudden, Monty Brown runs down to ringside and unloads on Elix Skipper. He shouts, “No one sets me up,” referring to the events from last week. He finishes off the beating with an Alphabomb.

Jeff Jarrett heads to the ring with a person in a burlap sack slung over his shoulder. Ken Shamrock isn’t going to be here tonight and Ricky Steamboat has yet to arrive. Bill Behrens told him that he was going to have to work his way up to a championship match. Jarrett plans on doing that by beating up the person in this sack- a midget. After he hits a mini Stroke, Puppet the Psycho Dwarf comes out. Jarrett lets out a bunch of midget jokes, but Puppet definitely one-ups him when he pulls out a gun. A fucking gun. Jarrett attacks him with a chair…

Which brings out Ricky Steamboat. We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way. Jarrett challenges Steamboat to a match- if Jarrett wins, he gets a title match; if Jarrett loses, he will take his 60-day suspension. Steamboat gets in the ring and looks ready, but Scott Hall enters the ring behind Jarrett’s back and attacks. This is between Jarrett and Hall. Tonight, Jarrett will be leaving on a stretcher.

In the back, Goldilocks is with Sonny Siaki. She says Siaki has a match tonight against Slash from the “Lords of the New Church.” Fabulous! Siaki doesn’t want Goldi checking out his ass without his permission. Siaki doesn’t need the rest of the Elvises as back-up. The world wants to see Siaki showcase his talent. Sonny has left the interview.

Match Two: Slash vs. Sonny Siaki
Maybe Lynn and Styles momentarily made up because Russo realized that Siaki was basically in the same “tag partners who hate each other” feud with the rest of the Flying Elvises? Nah, tonight’s Lynn/Styles cooperation was probably just a diversion. I like Siaki, but here he looks and acts like a Rock rip-off. He hits a nice rana off the apron as Slash was trying for a sunset flip powerbomb. Never saw Rocky do that. He shows off some more X-Division type moves with a springboard somersault. I don’t really like that though- he should’ve been standing out by going for more high impact, power moves. TNA had enough guys flipping around the ring already. Slash slows things down with chokes, eye rakes and rest holds. At one point, Siaki and Slash both get crotched on the ropes. Slash recovers and misses a splash off the top. Siaki takes advantage with some clotheslines and a nice pumphandle suplex- that’s more like it. Match ends when Siaki misses a top rope senton, allowing Slash to hit a neckbreaker for the win.
Winner: Slash in 8:00
Rating: ** (Pretty nice little match. Siaki looks more like a star than Slash does, but getting over the New Church as a whole isn’t a bad idea. I should point out that Slash placed a black hood over Siaki’s head before hitting that neckbreaker.)

Post-match, James Mitchell “baptizes” Sonny Siaki with blood as Slash restraints him. Don Harris comes to the rescue and ends up having a stare-off with Malice.

In the back, Goldilocks is with Ricky Steamboat. Steamboat was called in to handle the chaotic situation here in TNA. He is here to lay down the law.

The TNA cage dancers aren’t worth mentioning until Lollipop makes her debut. K-Krush doesn’t seem to think so as he comes out and starts preaching to a black cage dancer. TNA is exposing her for the almighty dollar. The Truth has taken his stand; it is time for this cage dancer to take hers. He proceeds to hilariously imitate what she would say to that: “This isn’t a cage, this is a platform.” You ain’t nothing but a two dollar whore. The truth hurts, doesn’t it?…

And this brings out Monty Brown, once again. They brawl through the crowd. So TNA has all their black talent feuding with one another. Ricky Steamboat comes out and calls Krush by his real name, Ron Killings. Killings has been talking about “them” for weeks; well, now he can come out and say something to Steamboat’s face. And he does. Truth doesn’t think Steamboat is part of “them.” Truth grew up a huge Steamboat fan. Why didn’t Steamboat get a chance to become the WWF champion? Is it because “they” held him back? The IC strap was always for second-class citizens. The same thing happened to Truth, and he is sick of it. Steamboat knows where Truth is coming from, so he will give Truth a shot at the NWA World Heavyweight Championship next week. Truth celebrates with a funky dance and rap- you know, stuff right up “their” alley.

Match Three: Malice vs. Apolo
Malice is a badass looking character; it’s a shame nothing much came of it. Apolo, just like Siaki, is a big guy who tries to go for X-Division type moves. Unfortunately, he botches a top rope rana. That doesn’t stop him for going for a somersault plancha to the outside. Malice takes over around ringside, throwing Apolo into barricades and ring posts, eventually busting him open. Back inside, Malice continues with a powerbomb. Big man doing big man moves- I like it. He then connects with his biggest aerial attack of the match, a middle rope leg drop. after falling to some clotheslines, Apolo comes back with a DDT. Ending comes out of nowhere with an Apolo super kick for the win.
Winner: Apolo in 7:00
Rating: *3/4 (Malice wrestles a good big man match while Apolo tries to wow people with high-flying attacks. Those attacks would work better if not for the countless other guys on the roster working the same style. That said, Malice and Apolo did not have the greatest chemistry in the world. )

Post-match, Malice chokeslams the ref. Before long, Don Harris comes out again and falls to the numbers game of the New Church. He gets baptized in blood.

In the ring, Don West brings out Miss TNA, Taylor Vaughn. Before West can finish his first question, Bruce of the Rainbow Express comes out. Last week, Bruce was inspired by the Truth’s words. He too, is tired of being treated like a second-class citizen. He challenges Vaughn to put the Miss TNA crown on the line and she accepts with a low blow…

Match Four: Miss TNA Crown- Taylor Vaughn vs. Bruce
Vaughn actually gets in some nice moves: a vertical suplex and a scoop slam to be exact. Bruce calls Vaughn a bitch quite a few times and they have a cat/dog fight! The less said about this, the better. Bruce finishes the match with a sitout facebuster- a move Vaughn takes like a total pro.
Winner: Bruce in 2:00
Rating: N/A (This was like the Santina/Miss Wrestlemania thing, only not funny.)
In the back, Goldilocks is with Low Ki. Ki does his talking in the ring.

Match Five: Low Ki vs. Jerry Lynn
Lynn is accompanied by Styles, who gets on commentary. They are going to work together like buddies. In the ring, Lynn and Ki do some mat wrestling. Styles puts over Lynn repeatedly. This Lynn/Styles figurative mutual dick-sucking is a little suspicious. Lynn and Ki continue with some really nice chain wrestling, getting stand-off applauses. Things speed up a little with a nice tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Lynn. The crowd is solidly behind Ki who eventually takes over with various chops then goes back to a slow pace with a figure-four headscissors. It looks like Lynn is about to mount a comeback, but Ki applies a dragon clutch in-between the ropes. Lynn then does come back with a leg drop through said ropes and a faceplant airplane spin. The back and forth continues when Ki counters a Cradle Piledriver into an armbar. Nice. Ok, this Styles commentary is getting a little annoying. There you go Jerry! Come on Jerry! It is almost reaching West levels. Meanwhile, Ki and Lynn trade shots ending with Ki landing a nice springboard kick to the head. He puts him down with a few more stiff kicks, but is too slow to make the cover. Ki looks for the knockout blow in the corner but Lynn catches him in midair with a powerbomb. Another near fall comes with a tornado DDT by Lynn. Ki calls for the Ki Crusher ’99 but Styles gets on the apron and delivers a kick to the back of Lynn’s head. The ref throws the match out.
Winner: No Contest in 14:00
Rating: *** (The match was teetering on greatness just before the lame finish. The commentary by Styles during this match, coupled with Lynn’s commentary earlier, made the eventual turn painfully obvious.)

Post-match, AJ Styles gets in Jerry Lynn’s face and walks out proudly. So in the span of a few weeks, they have flip-flopped between tension and friendship two or three times.

In the back, Goldilocks is with Don Harris. If it’s blood the New Church wants, it’s blood they are going to get.
On the entrance stage, Disco Inferno is ready for the debut of Jive Talkin’. He claims this show will take over Oprah. For the first time ever on PPV, his guest will expose her breasts on TV. Goldilocks! She comes out and takes umbrage to being called a dumb bitch. Disco apologizes and has her sit on his flamboyant couch. Man, Goldilocks really sucks. After some pointless chit-chat, Disco wants her to show her breasts. She doesn’t see Disco dropping his pants and showing his hairy balls. Goldilocks is so out of here. Disco thinks the only talent she has needs kneepads to be displayed. Goldi kicks him in his hairy balls and Paulina from Tough Enough puts a sleeper on her. Whatever.

At ringside, Don West does a Shop At Home-style HARD SELL for next week’s show. That was definitely one of the more entertaining parts of this PPV.

Match Six: Scott Hall vs. Jeff Jarrett
Hall comes out with a stretcher. He doesn’t wait for Jarrett to get to the ring and attacks him on the entrance stage. They brawl around ringside. In the ring, we get some of the usual Hall offense complete with a fallaway slam. They soon make their way backstage for some more brawling. I’m pretty sure we get a small glimpse of Russo at the gorilla position. The brawling continues through the crowd and back to ringside. The booking for this match makes sense given the nature of the Jarrett/Hall feud, but I wish they would have eliminated all the similar brawling from earlier in the show. It would have made this a little more effective. Jarrett introduces the stretcher and attacks Hall with it as the crowd chants, “Go Scott, Go!” This motivates Hall and he takes back control of the match. Tenay claims the world has been waiting to see Hall take it to Jarrett like this. Yes, the world. Well, maybe 14 people in the Nashville area might be more accurate. Hall is about to end the match after a Razor’s Edge, but the Truth pulls the ref out and hits an axe kick on Hall. Jarrett makes the cover but Hall kicks out! Out comes Monty Brown and he eliminates the Truth. Then Lynn splashes Jarrett! Huh? Styles comes out and is about to hit a Spiral Tap but Don Harris blocks him. For fucks sake! Here comes the New Church and they take out Harris. Finally, in the ring, the ref puts in the count as both Jarrett and Hall are down. Hall drops Jarrett with a right then accidently rams the ref with the stretcher. Jarrett takes advantage and grabs a steel chair. Steamboat comes out and grabs Jarrett’s attention. Jarrett goes to nail him with the chair but only hits rope and it bounces back into his own head. Hall is about to hit Jarrett with the chair, but Steamboat grabs it and allows Jarrett to end this clusterfuck with a Stroke.
Winner: Jeff Jarrett in 12:00
Rating: * (Wow, what did I just watch? No exaggeration- that was the most convoluted match I have ever seen. I do have to give everyone involved kudos for remembering how everything was supposed to go down. I could be wrong, but there may have been a Manbearpig run-in somewhere in there.)

The 411: This was not a good show by any stretch of the imagination. The best match on the show was bogged down with a terrible no-finish. The main event, which started out promising given the nature of the feud, soon deteriorated into the absolute definition of a clusterfuck. The run-ins just became comical after the third or fourth one. By the way, if you haven’t seen it yet, you must search for a clip of Puppet waving a gun in the air. Remember when people went nuts after Samoa Joe started threatening wrestlers with a knife? That has nothing on a gun-wielding Puppet. It was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen in wrestling.

Final Score:  4.0   [ Poor ]