wrestling / TV Reports

TNA Impact Insight 08.14.04

August 14, 2004 | Posted by Steve Cook

Hello everybody, and welcome to Impact Insight! I am your host, the man known by some as Socko, and by others as The Impact Playa, Steve Cook! I am one of the newest members of 411’s Generation Next, and I am very happy to be here. Having read this site since the days of the Mop-Ups, I am honored and privileged to write for the same site as so many great wrestling columnists of the past, present, and the future.

A little background on myself…I am 20 years old and hail from the great state of Kentucky! That wasn’t supposed to be a joke. I’m writing this report from my hometown of Edgewood, but next weekend I will be moving down to Louisville, KY for my junior year of college at the University of Louisville. I major in Political Science there, and am currently carrying a 3.2 GPA.

But I’m sure you all aren’t here to read about my college life, you are here because you are a wrestling fan. If you aren’t, why would you be reading? I’ve been a wrestling fan since I was 6 years old, my first memory of wrestling is the buildup to SummerSlam 1990, including Hulk Hogan getting squashed like a grape by Earthquake. It was good times, and I have been a wrestling fan ever since. I will watch any wrestling promotion there is, because, frankly, I enjoy watching wrestling. WCW, ECW, SMW, GWF, JCW, NWF, USWA….you name it, I’ve probably seen something of theirs.

As for my TNA viewing experience, I saw the first 20 or so PPVs, then my PPV access went away. I have seen the first 10 episodes of Impact, and reviewed them for TWTF.com. I will always be grateful to Trent & Lino for giving me the opportunity there. I still write articles for their site, you can even find an article there every week called the “Super Happy Fun Time Wrestling News Hour”. Yes, titles aren’t exactly my forte.

I’m going to go ahead and wrap this up because I assume you all are likely getting bored by now, but before I begin I have to thank the three people who have made this possible above all others. (other than my parents, of course. Hi Mom!)

Larry Csonka writes all sorts of articles here and makes all sorts of message board posts, but somehow finds the time to be a good friend, and now my boss. I won’t let you down, buddy.

Ashish…..what can I say about Ashish? He has been great over the last week answering all my newbie questions. He, Larry, and Evocator Manes have gone out of their way to make me feel at home here as the newest member of the staff. Evocator either loves me or hates me with a passion…sometimes it’s tough to tell.

Finally, though he has left 411 for the site that I’m not sure I’m allowed to mention my name or not, Joshua Grutman has been an inspiration for my writing about professional wrestling. I dunno if he’s reading this or not, but Grut…..you were right when you said I’ll be as big as you are in 3 years. 😉

Enough of the small talk, let’s get this shindig started!

Impact is rated TV PG-V…..the V stands for Vinnie Ru!

Today on Impact…it’s Total Nonstop Warfare….*feed cuts out*…..X champion Petey Williams! World Champ Jeff Jarrett! And A.J. Styles & the Charismatic Enema team up for the first time ever…..Impact is next!

Ed. note: “The Charismatic Enema” was a nickname coined for a certain WWE star’s brother who is at the main event level in TNA by 411 Fan Forumer Complete Player. TNA’s nickname for him is “The Charismatic Enigma”, which is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. I despise this wrestler with all my soul due to his general lack of passion for what he is doing (and sucking at wrestling), so I refuse to refer to him by name. Hope that clears things up later…

Impact Zone! Fans! Pyro! A trend I’ve noticed on this show is that they start things off with a wrestling match. Crazy, I know.

Match 1: Non-title, 10 minute time limit

Psicosis vs. NWA Champion Jeff Jarrett

Psicosis is wearing his mask with a Mexican flag draped over his head. Don’t they get pissed if you start wearing your mask again after losing it in Mexico? I thought I heard that somewhere. Jarrett gets pyro & smoke, but there is no Elite Guard this week. Not that they actually do anything anyway, it was just something I noticed.

JJ attacks Psicosis from behind, stomping him down to the canvas while Mike Tenay mentions that Larry Zybysko is the judge this week, and that the show is also available in Spanish. For those of you wondering, I don’t do Spanish, but I do know some French. Ask around! More boots by Jarrett, an Irish whip is reversed but Psicosis misses in the corner! Jarrett throws Psicosis to the outside and then sends him face first into the Spanish announce table! Remind me not to become a Spanish announcer when I grow up…Jarrett sends Psicosis face first into the safety rail, then face first into the English announce table! The fans chant “Over here” and Jarrett drops Psicosis gut first onto the safety rail! Jarrett picks him up, then hits him with a big clothesline, bouncing Psicosis’ head off the floor! Jarrett finally throws Psicosis back into the ring, goes up top and hits a cross body block…..but Psicosis rolls through and gets a 2 count! Jarrett right back on the attack though, whips Psicosis off the ropes and hits a nice dropkick! Psicosis sent off the ropes again, Jarrett picks him up, after spinning around a couple times Psicosis hits a sidewalk slam! Jarrett gets whipped into a corner and clotheslined, and Psicosis does it again because it was fun the first time! A face jam gets 2! Psicosis goes up top, but his spinning heel kick meets nothing but mat! Jarrett picks him up, hits the Stroke, and it’s over!

Your Winner: Jeff Jarrett (3:14)

Jarrett gets pyro out of the corners and screams at the camera as we head to commercial.

My Insight: This was your typical paint by numbers Jeff Jarrett match. I was hoping for a bit more out of Psicosis, but it was no better than Jarrett’s previous matches with talent like Lex Lovett & Shark Boy. It wasn’t bad, but I was hoping for a bit more out of it.

Coming up next: Monty Brown!

Wednesday night: America’s Most Wanted vs. Triple X! 3 Live Kru vs. The Naturals! A.J. Styles vs. Kid Kash in a street fight! Petey Williams vs. Chris Sabin! Monty Brown vs. The Truth! Sabu vs. Raven in “Hangman’s Horror 2”!

We return from the break to see clips of Monty Brown’s appearance on “The Best Damn Sports Show, Period”. I dispute the name, but Monty lifting Bryan Cox onto his shoulder is pretty impressive.

Match 2: 10 minute time limit (like it matters)

Jimmy Rave vs. Monty Brown

Monty gets his usual pyro and starts off with his usual knee to the gut. Clubs to the back by Monty, he throws Rave outside. He punches Rave, then hits him with several crossfaces, and then sends him face first into the rail. He then whips him into the apron and gives him a big chop! Then in the bottom left hand corner of the screen we see Dusty Rhodes yelling at Judge Larry about something or other….Larry probably ate the last chicken wing at the buffet or something. Meanwhile Rave gets whipped over the steps…Monty picks him up and introduces him to the rail again. Then he drops Rave on the rail throat first! He tells the fans in the front row to move because he’s going to throw Rave there…but throws him in the ring instead! Rave into the corner, floats over Monty, tries a cross body, but Monty catches him, and hits a big fallaway slam! He clotheslines him, picks him up and does it again! The fans chant for it, Monty whips Rave into the ropes, goes off the other side and hits the POOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEE! It’s academic from there.

Your winner: Monty Brown (2:25)

My Insight: During the first few weeks of Impact, I absolutely despised Monty Brown. He did the same stupid match every week, and did absolutely nothing to entertain me. But a funny thing happened….right around the time when Monty got supplanted in the title picture by some painted freak, I started to think that he wasn’t that bad. And for the last couple weeks, I’ve been enjoying the hell out of his 2 minute matches. He isn’t a workrate king by any stretch of the imagination, but his punches and strikes are good, and I just love saying POOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEE! So I’ve become a Monty Brown mark. Sue me.

Coming up next: The Naturals!

Commercial hyping Truth vs. Monty…they both want a shot at the world title.

The mysterious promo with the symbol guy is shown…rumor has it that it’s D-Lo Brown, but I hope not because that would be totally lame.

Match 3: Non-title, 10 minute time limit

Mikey Batts & Jerrelle Clark vs. NWA World Tag Team Champions The Naturals (Chase Stevens & Andy Douglas)

Impact’s 2 best jobbers unite! Meanwhile, the Naturals get pyro. Yay them. The Naturals attack right after the bell, toss Batts outside, and hit a double back body drop on Clark! Stevens stays in the ring and puts the boots to Clark while we see Larry Z chatting with Vince Russo. How does he concentrate on the matches when everybody wants to talk to him? I used to wonder that about the head cheerleader during English class, but that’s another story. Dropkick by Stevens and a tag to Andy Douglas…Douglas hits a double ax handle to the back, puts Clark into a full nelson, and lifts him up into a backbreaker! Very nice…it gets 2. Douglas tags Stevens back in, Stevens whips Clark into the ropes, Clark goes for a sunset flip…Stevens tries to counter with a punch but ends up punching canvas! Tag to Mikey Batts, and he’s all swoll on both Stevens & Douglas! But eventually he’s whipped into the corner, and Clark is whipped into him….Stevens comes in for a splash but meets Clark’s boot! Douglas gets clotheslined! Stevens clotheslines both Batts & Clark though. The Naturals set Batts up for the Natural Disaster, but lo and behold, 3 Live Kru come out! They provide the distraction, which allows Clark to break up the move with a well placed kick, and Batts rolls up Douglas for the 3 count!

Your Winners: Mikey Batts & Jerrelle Clark (2:05)

The Naturals are all like YOU SONS OF BITCHES while 3LK is all like HAW HAW!

My Insight: It was a 2 minute tag team match. You can’t really expect too much from that. Batts & Clark have both shown they have potential, Clark’s 630 splash is one of the best moves in the business, which he didn’t get to showcase in this match. It did what it was supposed to do: build tension between the champions and their challengers this Wednesday. Nothing more, nothing less.

Coming up next: Petey Williams!

Commercial for Wednesday’s show. I wonder what kind of commercials they will show when they stop doing the weekly PPVs.

New commercial! This one features A.J. Styles telling people not to try this stuff at home and go to the website if we want to learn how to become a wrestler. I like A.J.’s speaking…it’s a bit Southern, but then again, I’m a bit Southern. So there you go.

We return to clips from the X Gauntlet for the Gold. Looks like fun.

Match 4: Non-title, 10 minute time limit

X Champion Petey Williams (w/Coach Scott D’Amore) vs. The Amazing Red

Petey gets cool rockets. He attacks Red when he enters the ring (because he’s a sneaky Canadian and that’s what they do), but Red is ready for that noise and gets the upper hand. He whips Petey into the corner and catches him with a forearm. Petey gets turned around and his head is banged into the turnbuckle 9 times…a kick sends Williams to the outside! Coach D’Amore checks on his prize pupil, but manages to get out of Dodge before Red slingshots over the ropes and onto Petey! Petey is tossed back into the ring, but D’Amore’s distraction of Red gives Petey the chance to put the boots to him. The attempted Canadian whip is reversed, Red arm drags Petey, clotheslines him, but Petey drop toe holds Red into the top rope, shifting the momentum! Russian leg sweep by Petey, then he throws Red outside, where D’Amore is waiting to hit him while Mike Tenay & Don West scream bloody murder! Red gets thrown back in, Petey picks him up, throws him into the corner and hits a knee strike to the head! Snap mare into a dropkick to the back by Petey! Red gets picked up, and Petey hits a reverse suplex into a faceplant that Red could have gotten more airtime on. That gets a 2 count, Red sent into the corner, Petey comes in with an elbow! Petey tries it again, but this time gets Red’s boot in his face! Red hits what could be called a tornado flatliner, then punches Petey, kicks him down, and hits the Red Star Press for 2! Petey comes back with a heel kick, sets him up for the CANADIA……no, Red back drops him instead! A Samoan drop gets 2, Red goes up top…..but D’Amore hits him in the back with the Canadian flag draped hockey stick while the ref’s back is turned! Petey picks him up……CANADIAN DESTROYER! That’s it!

Your Winner: Petey Williams (4:26)

Vince Russo comes out while Williams & D’Amore celebrate….he’s tired of D’Amore interfering in matches, and from now on D’Amore is banned from ringside! Vinnie Ru hates Canadians!

My Insight: Good match here, only a couple blown spots…which is good for an Amazing Red match. I really like Petey Williams, he’s a solid competitor with the best damn finishing move in the business, the flip piledriver known as the CANADIAN DESTROYER. It has to be seen to believed. Russo coming down to bar D’Amore from ringside was a nice touch….until a little bit later on in the show.

Coming up next: Raven!

Kid Kash vs. A.J. Styles commercial…they just don’t like each other.

Interesting commercial for something called the GNC Show of Strength…one of the events there is the Trimspa TNA Gut Check Search. If you wanna be a wrestler, go check the website!

We return to clips of Sabu & Raven fighting on Wednesday. They fight a lot.

Match 5:

Todd Sexton vs. Raven

Raven gets some pyro love, and Sexton gets a tough introduction to TNA. Raven kicks Sexton over to the corner, then stomps a mudhole in him and walks it dry! Sexton is whipped into the corner chest first, Raven comes off the side ropes with a clothesline! Raven hits the Camel Clutch as a mockery of Sabu and his uncle The Shiek, lets Sexton out, and the Raven Effect DDT ends it faster than you can say “Hey, wasn’t Raven that announcer guy on Sunday Night Heat a long time ago?”. Which I think is part of the point.

Your Winner: Raven (1:01)

The lights go out in the Impact Zone, and when they come back on, Sabu is beating the crap out of Raven! He’s got a dog collar, and chokes Raven with it until security comes in and breaks it up!

My Insight: Ummmmm…..Raven won in a minute. What else can I say? I can’t tell you whether his in-ring work was any good, or if Sexton looks like he has any potential…it was over faster than a Coren post.

Coming up next: Vince Russo in the 6 Points of Impact!

Sabu vs. Raven commercial……somebody’s getting hanged! Or is it hung? I always forget…

A.J. tells me I can’t try this stuff at home, but if I go to the website and learn how to be a wrestler, Traci might go out with me. OK, I made up that last part.

We’re back, and Vince Russo is Jeff Hammond’s guest this week in the 6 Points of Impact! As always, these interviews are summed up because I’m not CRZ.

JH: Director of Authority?

VR: I make sure there’s an even playing field, whoever wins is the champ.

JH: Favoritism towards A.J. Styles & Chris Harris?

VR: Those guys are 2 of the best…they haven’t needed any help.

JH: Committee?

VR: It’s a well-rounded group, I can’t do it on my own, and they’ll help a lot.

JH: Jeff Jarrett vs. Jeff Hardy?

JR: Jarrett is a great champion, but I believe Jeff Hardy has his number.

JH: Monty Brown?

VR: He still has a lot to learn before I consider him one of the best.

JH: Dusty Rhodes?

VR: He’ll always have a place as long as I’m DOA…as long as Dusty understands I’m the boss there will be no problem.

JH: There you have it folks…the word according to Vince Russo.

The word according to Vince Russo? He’s sure taking this religion stuff seriously.

Don West & Mike Tenay talk about the usual crap, then Dusty Rhodes comes out and says that he’s gonna make the matter of Scott D’Amore a p……….p………..personal matter! So if D’Amore comes out next week, Dusty will be there to kick his ass. The thing that really drives me mad is when Mike Tenay asks Don West if he heard that right after Dusty left. Uh, he was right behind him! Douche.

Coming up next: Abyss & Alex Shelley vs. A.J. Styles and……somebody.

Wednesday commercial! Buy it or Dusty Rhodes will take over your local newscast!

We return to clips of some guy, Jarrett, Brown, Russo, Styles, Rhodes……it was all Wednesday and it was all frantic! You live it or lie it!

Match 6: Main event time!

Abyss & Alex Shelley (w/Goldylocks) vs. A.J. Styles & The Charismatic Enema

Jeff Hammond is on commentary for this one….everybody got pyro except for the Baby Bear Shelley, but he got the wench, so it’s all good. Hardly is glowing in the dark again, which never ceases to scare me. Styles & Shelley start out, tie up into a series of wristlocks…Shelley does that a lot. After a series of reverses, Shelley hits the headlock, gets whipped off the ropes, and A.J. hits the best dropkick in the business! Come on, you gonna tell me Hardcore Holly’s is still better? Shelley tags in Abyss….Abyss & Styles have met before, Larry Csonka told me that those matches were quite good. Styles goes off the ropes, but Goldy tries to trip him up…Abyss tries to attack from behind but A.J. slips out, then he goes to the floor and gets all up in Goldi’s grill…Shelley don’t take too kindly to that, but Styles decks him! Abyss picks up A.J. from behind, but A.J. snaps Abyss’ neck on the top rope, gets back in the ring, whips him into the corner, drops to all fours, then the painted freak runs in for a little Poetry in Motion! Abyss gets knocked to the floor by a double clothesline…Shelley runs back in but gets chucked on top of Abyss! Abyss catches him, Shelley’s all like “PUT ME DOWN!”, and A.J. & the enema are all like “LOOK OUT BELOW!” as stereo splashes take out both Abyss & Shelley! Goldy checks on her poor Alex while Abyss gets thrown back into the ring…A.J. jumps up on the top rope, comes off, but Abyss catches him! He’s looking for a chokeslam, but Styles breaks free, goes off the ropes, then Abyss gorilla presses him face first to the canvas! Niiiiiiiiice! Shelley demands a tag at this point and gets one. A knee strike off the top rope gets a 2 count! Fists by Shelley, he hits a nice snap suplex for 2! Tag to Abyss, club to A.J’s back, whips him into the corner, big splash by Abyss! A funny thing happens at this point though….the fans start chanting “A.J”, and it affects Abyss! He picks him up into the torture rack, going for the Shock Treatment, but A.J. slips out and hits a big hurricanrana! Abyss tags in Shelley, Shelley comes in and gets Pele kicked! And A.J. makes the tag….kick to Abyss! Chinbuster for Shelley! Clotheslines for Shelley! Whip is reversed, the enema goes up top and hits the Whisper in the Wind! Abyss breaks up the pin attempt, but splashes Shelley in the process! A.J. takes Abyss out with a flying forearm off the top, and the enema hits the Swanton on Shelley for 3!

Your Winners: A.J. Styles & The Charismatic Enema (5:31)

Kid Kash & Dallas show up in the entrance way, they all start talking trash like it’s the 1980s and they’re playing for the Detroit Pistons!

My Insight: Very good match here by all the participants….yes, Styles carried the team there and the enema didn’t mess anything up, so they all did pretty well. Shelley is finally starting to come into his own in TNA, I dig his asshole personality and his yelling at Abyss. That story is going to be very interesting in the next few weeks. It was a fun match, the fans were into it, and it was a good way to end the show.

We close with some Pulp Fiction (ECW did a segment similar to TNA’s closing interviews with the Pulp Fiction theme, so that’s what I call it), Raven, 3 Live Kru, The Naturals, Triple X, Team Canada, Kid Kash & Dallas, A.J. Styles, Ron Killings, & Monty Brown all have a little somethin somethin to say.

My Overall Insight: The show was solid, with a good main event, Williams/Red, and a Monty squash….but it seemed like a little something was missing. No Triple X, and no Traci! Other than that, the show was quality……I know lots of people around here like to complain about TNA, but find me something else on Fridays at 3 that’s as good. Anybody? I was a bit disappointed with the opener though, and the Naturals match was quite lacking. A one minute Raven match was kinda rough too. But the good outweighs the bad this week.

I’d like to thank you all for reading my first Impact Insight here on 411wrestling.com…..what did you think? Click the e-mail address down at the bottom and tell me what you liked, or what you didn’t like! All of us writers want some form of reaction, whether it be good or bad.

Given Ashish doesn’t fire my ass, I shall return next week with yet more Impact Insight! Until then, this is Steve Cook saying…….Have a nice day!


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