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The World According to Ron: Thoughts on The Balor Club, Woken Matt Hardy, More

January 14, 2018 | Posted by Ron Gamble
Finn Balor Club Raw 1818

Welcome back to The World According to Ron, the only column written by a guy who used to write for 411mania.com, left, then came back to write again!

… wait, what? Jed Who?

Oh, him.
Welcome back to The World According to Ron, the only column written by a guy named Ron who used to write for 411mania.com, left, then came back to write again!

(Nailed it! Yes!)

As I write this, it is Friday afternoon, January 12, and it is raining in the Northern Panhandle of West Virginia. You know, the sliver between Ohio and Pennsylvania that doesn’t really belong to any of those states. It is curently in the low 60’s. On Saturday, we are supposed to have about six inches of snow, with a high in the low 20’s. We will get some coverage on The Weather Channel, but nothing on the networks until the storm works its way to the northeast and New York, when it will become Stormageddon. It happened 25 years ago, the last time I lived here, and it will happen again. You watch.

Now, for most people, that would be enough complaining. But me, I’m old. I’m allowed to complain more. Besides, my rheumatism and trick knee are acting up.

I didn’t approach politics last week, but this week, I don’t feel like I have a choice. As an American, I must denounce in the strongest possible terms the statements by the current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC. I do not believe most people who come hre are from, excuse me for using this language, “shithole countries.” The best news I can give you is that a majority of voters did not vote for him, and a large group of people who did vote for him are finally waking up to the fact that his “facts” are, in actuality, “lies.” For some of them, it required losing their jobs that they thought were safe; for others, it took him asking Congress for funding for his wall on the US/Mexican border after telling the voters Mexico would pay for it; for still others, it was losing their access to health insurance. The tide is turning against him and his corrupt administration and supporters in Congress. I promise you, we are working on it.

Another week, another instant replay controversy in the NFL. This time, an interception by Jacksonville’s Jalen Ramsey that looked an awful lot like a touchdown pass by Pittsburgh’s Jesse James a few weeks ago. While James’ catch was ruled incomplete because the ball touched the ground, Ramsey’s catch was ruled an interception, even though the ball touched the ground. So, Jacksonville goes to Pittsburgh this week. If the interception had been ruled incomplete, it’s possible Buffalo scores and forces overtime, and with a win, they would play New England for the third time this season. New England won both games this year against Buffalo, but one of the toughest tings to do, according to a popular football cliche, is to beat a team three times in the same season. Now, the Patriots host Teneessee, and Jacksonville goes to Pittsburgh, where they forced a career-high five Ben Roethlisberger interceptions earlier this year and won, 30-9.

For the record, Roethlisberger says he wanted Jacksonville. He says he wanted to prove that the game earlier this year was a fluke. He says he wants to play New England next week, and prove the Steelers should have won that game a few weeks ago. I know that, because of the game earlier this year, the Steelers are not overlooking the Jaguars. This game is going to be good.

A few weeks ago, I decided to start playing Dungeons & Dragons for the first time in a long time. How long ago?, you may ask. Well, I still have my starter’s kit from when I played in high school, with Second Edition Players’ Handbook and Dungeon Master’s Guide. I won’t bore you with details of my session, except to say I am a paladin. My daughter, however…

She started playing a few weeks ago, mainly because her boyfriend is DM. He started her as a wizard with a Charm spell. The party was fighting a kraken (“Not one of the smaller krakens, but the Main Kraken”), and losing badly. She asked if she could do something, he told her to roll, she passed the roll, and now, my daughter has a pet kraken.

Yeah, I’m shocked, too.

A couple weeks ago, I wrote in this space aboutwhat I thought should happen with Daniel Bryan Danielson, and son of a gun, that seems to be where the storyline is going. Then, last week, I wrote about the instant replay used in the tag title match where Chad Gable and Sheldon Benjamin were cheated out of the titles, and that seemed to become a major angle on Smackdown. I am now declaring myself a writer for World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. I mean, if I write about it, and they do it the next week, then the theory of causation (if A=B, and B=C, then A=C) makes it so. Where’s my big paycheck, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque-Hickenbottom-Nash-Hall-Waltman?

That said, I’d like to write about a few more storylines I’d like to see. Who knows? Maybe I can get more fake paychecks from other people. So, what else should we see on television?

+ Cedric Alexander should thank Goldust for helping him a couple weeks ago in a tag match by offering to help Goldust lose enough weight to get on “205 Live,” then help him get a match with Enzo Amore. If Goldust wins, then Enzo must change his signature to something less, um, phallic.

+ Finn Balor, Luke Gallows, and Karl Anderson should talk more about “getting the band back together,” and then cross over to Smackdown and appear with AJ Styles. Then, they can show up on NXT and get Adam Cole. Eventually, the five of them can drive around in a van with a great dane and solve crimes.

+ War Machine should show up on NXT and start a group with Heavy Machinery. They can even mix and match partners, and call the new teams “Heavy War” and “Machine Machinery.” Or something like that. I don’t know, I’ll work on the names.

+ Chavo Guerrero should show up on Smackdown as Kerwin White. He could drive a golf cart, and ask people if they’ve seen his caddy, Nick Nemeth. Dolph Ziggler would then superkick him, yelling, “I TOLD YOU TO NEVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN!”

+ Woken Matt Hardy should drive to Cameron, NC, to pick up his brother. He should then declare he has a way to help heal his body, drive him to the Lake of Rebirtheration, and throw him under the boat. Jeff then becomes a character from his past, Mean Jimmy Jack Tomkins.

+ Chris Jericho should challenge Kenny Omega to a rematch from Wrestle Kingdom at WrestleMania. Omega should accept, and they stare each other down before Jericho hits Omega with the Fingerpoke of Doom to win.

+ Shinsuke Nakamura and Asuka should each win their respective Royal Rumble matches, and each should win their title matches at WrestleMania. No punchline. I just want to see both of them win.

+ Jason Jordan should ask to team with his father, Kurt Angle, against The Bar. Toward the end of the match, Cesaro would pin Jordan through nefarious means, and Angle would come into the ring to comfort his son. Jordan could then scream at him, “You’re not my father! I hate you I hate you I hate you!!!” and run back to his dressing room, arms and legs flailing. At the next pay per view, they would wrestle again, and during the match, Jordan would realize Angle isn’t that bad, after all. After the final match of the show, Angle and Jordan would be in the back, playing catch.

+ For the 25th anniversary Raw show, there will be many people from the early days of the program returning to the Manhattan Center. One of the matches that should happen there is Rob Van Dam vs. John Cena, just so we can once again see Cena throw his shirt into the crowd, only to have it thrown back. The end of the match should have Bob Backlund run to the ring, running around and looking to put the crossface chicken wing on the Iron Sheik, and during the distraction, Lance Storm could pin Road Dogg, then claim he is the new Hardcore Champion. Bob Holly would then run through the crowd and… what? Too much? After the audience give the customary “What the…?” reaction, Vince Russo emerges from one of the balconies to announce he is taking over 205 Live, with his new star and champion, Noam Dar. Dar will then enter the ring, and…

+You know, when I mentioned “Vince Russo,” I knew I went too far.


Last week’s homework assignment seemed simple, but became so much more involved.

“This week on Smackdown, before a match between Aiden English and Xavier Woods, Rusev switched roles and sang to English about Rusev Day. What will be the next song Rusev sings on television? Explain THAT?!?”

Zoidberg came oh, so close to getting the repeat, with his take on “Real American,” especially with the footnote, “Performed in a minor. (Which is what got Roy Moore banned from malls in Alabama.)” However, he was beaten fairly and squarely by D2K Virus, with his parody of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

Is this the Rusev? Is this just fantasy?
Caught in the midcard, getting jobbed out to Randy
Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see
I’m a handsome boy, I need no sympathy
Because pushes come, pushes go, sometimes high, sometimes low
Any way the wind blows doesn’t really matter to me, to me
Lana, just crushed a man
Put an Accolate to his head, called out “machka” now he’s dead
Lana, my push has just begun
But now I’m told I’m not over anyway
Lana, ooooooooh, don’t throw fish at Summer Rae
If this Ziggler feud isn’t done this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if Total Divas doesn’t matter
Too late, Orton has come
Send shivers down my spine, jobbing to RKOs all the time
Goodbye, Aiden English, I’ve got to go
Got a cameo from WWE Studios
Lana, ooooh (any way the wind blows)
I know it’s Rusev Day
I sometimes think Vince doesn’t know sod all
I will join Xavier on UpUpDownDown
Need For Speed, Need For Speed, co-op race with Fandango
I have the key to Plovdiv, crowd response repercussive, for me
(Dobro utro!) Dobro utro! (Dobro utro!) Dobro utro! Dobro utro, sdrawei! Strakhoten!
I’m a handsome boy, the crowd seem to love me
He’s a handsome boy, from a handsome family
Spare him his life from the booking commitee
Pushes come, pushes go, will you let me go?
Nikoga! No! We will not let you go
(Let him go!) Nikoga! No! We will not let you go
(Let him go!) Nikoga! No! We will not let you go
(Let him go) Will not let him go (Let me go) Ahhhhhh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
O ne veche ne, ne veche ne, o ne veche ne let me go
Kevin Dunn has a Mahal feud put aside for me, for me, for me!
So you think you can squash me and spit in my eye?
So you think you can job me and leave me to die?
Oh, Stephanie, can’t do this to me baby
Just got to get out, just got to get right out of here
Nothing really matters, not in WWE
Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters, gluposti
Better e-mail Gedo…

Well done, D2K! Let’s see what you, Zoidberg, and everyone else can do with the new challenge.

I now have a new avenue to watch TNAGFWIMPACTLSMFT, so they are now eligible for explanation. To that end, “Ohio Versus Everybody?” I lived in Ohio for many years. There’s not much there for the rest of the country to be opposed to, except for the Browns and Bengals. So, what other states or countries deserve to have their own invading force? Explain THAT?!?

Ciao, babies!


article topics :

Balor Club, Matt Hardy, WWE, Ron Gamble