Csonka’s TNA One Night Only: Joker’s Wild 4 Review 3.04.16

Csonka’s TNA One Night Only: Joker’s Wild 4 Review 3.04.16

OFFICIAL RESULTS
– Davey Richards and Eddie Edwards defeated Crazzy Steve and Abyss @ 7:33 via pin [**]
– Eric Young and Bram defeated Trevor Lee and DJ Z @ 8:42 via pin [**¾]
– Tigre Uno and Mandrews defeated Robbie E and Jessie Godderz @ 6:50 via pin [*½]
– Grado and Rockstar Spud defeated Aiden O’Shea and Mahabali Shera @ 6:15 via pin [½*]
– Mike Bennett and Drew Galloway defeated Big Damo and Jimmy Havoc @ 8:44 via pin [**]
– Tyrus and Jade defeated Lashley and Gail Kim @ 8:30 via pin [The Dirt Fucking Worst]
– Matt Hardy and Will Osprey defeated Eli Drake and James Storm @ 10:30 via pin [*½]
– $100,000 Gauntlet Match: Drew Galloway won @ 30:18 [**½]

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– They hyped that matches would take place in the UK and in the US on this show. Isn’t that a logistical nightmare for the finals? Is the gantlet via satellite? They also stressed “the random draw” gimmick.

– Josh Mathews and The Pope will attempt to do commentary. These first matches were taped in the US.

Davey Richards and Eddie Edwards defeated Crazzy Steve and Abyss: You really can’t stress the random draw aspect, and then put two tag teams that just happen to be feuding in a match and then say, “wow, that wacky blind draw!” So they started the match to silence, as Steve walked around and tried to be creepy and scare the ref. There was no sound other than Edwards doing the wolf cry, and Mathews then explained the “eerie silence” was because the fans didn’t know what to make if this. Ok, there is some partial truth there. The Wolves then went to work and had a fun run working over Steve, but it was brief and The Decay worked the heat on Richards. The heat was fine, but really slow and the crowd was not into it until Richards almost got a tag, leading to Steve pulling Edwards to the floor. Edwards finally got the tag, but the lack of reaction was sad and surprising because the crowd usually loves them. During Edwards’ comeback, which was fun, they were constantly changing camera angles to an annoying degree. It broke down with all four in, Abyss got tossed and they hit chasing the dragon on Steve to pick up the win.

– We got highlights from a previous Joker’s Wild match.

Eric Young and Bram defeated Trevor Lee and DJ Z: In our second match in, we get our third regular pairing made. Fun opening stretch with Young and DJ Z, it didn’t last too long, but I liked it. Lee and Bram was also a fun segment, with Lee playing a fiery babyface. Lee was so much more fun here than he has been in his run as X-Division champion, and after watching him here he feels completely miscast as the heel champion. Young then got the heat on DJ Z, crotching him in the corner and working him over in the tree of WHOA. Lee and DJ Z played fun resilient faces against the brawlers, and really kept the energy up. The crowd really liked Lee and got into his hot tag. It broke down with all four men in; Bram took the ref and hit a low blow, allowing Young to hit a piledriver for the win. Fun match with Lee and DJ Z working really hard to keep the pace up and make it enjoyable.

– We get another Joker’s Wild flashback, with Mike Tenay on commentary. I miss Mike Tenay.

Tigre Uno and Mandrews defeated Robbie E and Jessie Godderz: The early part of the match was Godderz trying to show Robbie how it was done, so of course after he said that Mandrews used his speed and worked him over with arm drags and then tagged Uno in. Uno and Mandrews used some quick tags, Robbie and Godderz then argued more and did blind tags to annoy the other. It’s a very basic thing to do and usually draws heat when the crowd cares about the former team, no enemies, being forced to team. Unfortunately no one really cares about the former Bro-Mans. Pope took the time to discuss how great Godderz looks and that he got to watch him wash his abs. Robbie and Godderz argued more, Mandrews got the tag, ran wild and then like every other match it broke down and all four were in. Mandrews pulled Robbie to the floor and Uno picked up the win with a crucifix. It was rough with too much bullshit between Godderz and Robbie, making sure that the little X-Division guys only won because the muscle heads couldn’t get along.

– Post match Godderz attacked Robbie, they brawled and Godderz bailed.

– We get another Joker’s Wild flashback. Actually not highlights, they showed a nearly complete Chavo and RVD vs. Daniels and Joe match from 2013.

Grado and Rockstar Spud defeated Aiden O’Shea and Mahabali Shera: Much like the last match, we spent a lot of time on one team arguing with each other. O’Shea is a heel and Shera is a wacky dancing guy who doesn’t want to break the rules. It’s feels more like Perfect Strangers than the Odd Couple, if Perfect Strangers was the dirt worst. The early potion saw O’Shea working over both Spud and Grado with ease, using his punches, because he’s a big old Irish brawler. This was all O’Shea and Shera, easily dominating even though they were arguing Shera finally had enough and worked over O’Shea, and then allowed Spud and Grado to take control. Spud hit the underdog for the win. The wrestling was sub par and it felt way longer than it actually was.

– We now go to the UK portion of the show.

Mike Bennett and Drew Galloway defeated Big Damo and Jimmy Havoc: Galloway and Bennett argued right away, which is no way was similar to the previous two matches. Nope, not at all. They did nothing for the first minute of the match; it was just Bennett and Galloway arguing. Galloway then had success against Havoc, but when Damo tagged in he was just as tall and was able to have some success where Havoc failed. So Damo is having success and doing well, so of course Mathews and Pope focused on his chest and back hair because FUCK YOU IT’S COMEDY THAT’S WHY. And they wouldn’t stop with it either, including Josh discussing that he goes for weekly waxes. Seriously. Damo and Havoc took control; Galloway worked most of the match with Bennett teasing tagging in and refusing. Galloway then just fired up and made his own comeback. Future shock on Havoc and Damo made the save. Galloway then ht the air raid crash on Damo, Bennett tagged himself in and Galloway hit the claymore on Havoc. Bennett tossed him to the floor and stole the win for his team. So instead of putting over the UK guys against two guys that hate each other, we have them lose in the UK. Sometimes you need to book to the venue and make the fans care about you using “their guys” so it means something when you return. And if you weren’t going to put them over, at least book a match where they get some serious run and look like a threat. They essentially lost to one man here, and never looked like they were seriously competitive. It was a waste of both guys.

– We got highlights from a previous Joker’s Wild match, which was the complete Spud and Kong vs. Shaw and DJ Z match. This was the match where Josh and Borash kept saying that Spud did not like girls and was a virgin. TNA commentary is the absolute worst. They wasted a good six-minutes here.

Tyrus and Jade defeated Lashley and Gail Kim: Tyrus dancing to the Dollhouse music was humorous, he also looked absolutely smitten. Tyrus allowed Jade to start off against Lashley, which Lashley wanted no part of. Lashley kept shoving her aside and no selling her strikes as he would call Tyrus to get into the ring. Lashley was a gentleman and carried Jade to his corner and tagged in Kim. Kim and Jade were having a good back and forth, and then Tyrus and Lashley got in and looked as if they were going to battle, but instead they stared at the women rolling around on the mat and had a total dude moment over it. Pope and Mathews reacted like teenage boys seeing Penthouse for the first time. You spend the pre-match discussing how progressive you are and that your women can compete with the men and then you basically have the guys stand over them and objectify them in a failed attempt at humor. You can’t claim one thing and then do the opposite, it undermines the women and makes you look like shit. The good news is that I am pretty sure I am the only person who buys this show every month. Tyrus had their usual fine but unspectacular back and forth, with Lashley laughing off Jade when she tried to do anything. It of course broke down, Tyrus and Kim sent to the floor and Lashley then tried to spank Jade, because COMEDY. Tyrus then sprayed some Binaca and tried to kiss Kim, but she scored with eat defeat. Jade then rolled her up for the win. Post match Kim hit eat defeat on Jade, and Tyrus went to attack her. She teased kissing him and then let Lashley spear him. This was bad and TNA should feel bad about producing it, running it live and then airing it on PPV. This was an absolutely embarrassing “match.”

– Bennett cut a promo putting himself over. Galloway then cut a promo, calling Bennett an asshole.

– Havoc and Damo cut a promo about losing. They praised Galloway and said that they lost to a better man, admitting that they lost to one man.

Matt Hardy and Will Osprey defeated Eli Drake and James Storm: Oh for fucks sake Mathews and Pope are arguing over who has the most twitter followers. Mathews continued to discuss Twitter. and Pope asked him to stop and Mathews actually said, “That’s what we do here on One Night Only.” That’s right Josh, you don’t give a single, solitary fuck about actually doing your job, which is accentuating the match and getting talents over. During all of this bullshit, Matt and Storm had some good back and forth, with Storm outsmarting and frustrating Matt. Osprey came in and shined on Drake, Matt demanded the tag and took control as Osprey sat in the corner. Matt kept yelling at Osprey, telling him that’s how you do it, and then tagged Osprey back in. Drake then got the heat on Osprey for a bit, and then just like almost every other match, Drake and Strom argued while Matt refused to tag in. This feels like the laziest show ever in how they have structured it. During the heat, instead of selling this match, Pope gave out his Twitter handle and Josh said he blocked Pope on Twitter. WRESTLING COMMENTARY IN 2016. Meanwhile, Osprey was working hard, selling well and actually keeping the crowd somewhat involved when he got hope spots. Since Matt wouldn’t tag in, Osprey made his own comeback and ran wild on Drake for a bit and got to show off his repertoire. Drake stole Storm’s beer, and then ate a superkick from Storm for this crime. Osprey then hit the corkscrews shooting star press. Matt tagged in, tossed him to the floor, and covered for the win. This booking is beyond lazy and is completely repetitive.

– Tyrus and Jade did a photo shoot and said they could beat anyone and did Beauty and the Beast jokes.

– Kim and Lashley spoke about their horrible match and claimed that there was great chemistry. They put each other over, and then went for a ice cream. But no sprinkles, because they are losers.

– James Storm is mad because Drake stole his beer, and basically didn’t care about a chance at $100,000.

– Eli Drake complained about losing, he rambled really and said next to nothing.

– Maria came out to cut a promo that no one cared about, Miracle blah, blah, blah.

$100,000 Gauntlet Match (Edwards, Richards, Bram, Young, Uno, Mandrews, Grado, Spud, Tyrus, Jade, Hardy, Osprey, Bennett and Galloway): Bennett attacked Mandrews as soon as he got into the ring, and eliminated him before the third man entered. TNA’s gift to completely misuse Mandrews continues. Uno was in next at #3, he scored with a couple moves and got cut off very quickly. Jade was #4. There was either some poor mixing of the angles, or some obvious edits here. Maria helped eliminate Jade after she was in for about a minute. If you’re not going to give the women any run in the gauntlet, don’t book them for it, it comes off as a complete waste. Osprey hit the ring at #5, and the crowd actually card when he got in. Bram was #6, he just attacked everyone and eliminated Uno. The action is solid here, but the crowd does not care at all. #7 was Eric Young. Young and Bram took over the match with their usual walk and brawl offense, and #8 was Eddie Edwards, who sent the heels to the corner and worked them all over with chops. Bram and Young took control back quickly, Osprey was eliminated and #9 was Drew Galloway. Galloway attacked Bennett right away, worked over Young and Bram and even as he ran wild the crowd reaction was minimal. Galloway and Edwards worked over Bennett with chops, and then we went back into the everyone slowly brawls portion of the match. #10 was Matt Hardy. Matt and Bennett worked together, and targeted Galloway. Young and Bram were then eliminated. #11 was Tyrus. Tyrus got to play monster and do the bidding of Matt Hardy, who made it appear he’d share the money with him. #12 was Spud. This was taped after the Spud turn, as his outfit has changed and he worked with Matt. Team Matt took control of the match. #13 was Grado. Grado danced around the ring and then got in the ring. Matt directed Tyrus to deal with him, Grado tried to chokeslam Tyrus and failed. Grado then worked his jabs, but then ate a powerbomb from Tyrus. Galloway started to work over Bennett again and Grado used Tyrus’ beard to pull him to the floor and eliminate him. The final competitor was supposed to be Davey Richards, but this match was taped after his injury on the tour, so he’s not competing. Eddie Edwards got eliminated, which the production missed and commentary had to cover. Spud got tossed, and it came down to Galloway, Matt, Grado and Bennett. Grado got to eliminate Matt Hardy, but was immediately tossed by Bennett. They had some good back and forth, teasing eliminations repeatedly, and then battled to the apron. Galloway finally hit the claymore and that sent Bennett to the floor, allowing Galloway to pick up the win. This was a completely average gauntlet match, but it under whelms as a main event.

* End scene.

* Thanks for reading.

“Byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye Felicia!”

0.0

The final score: review Torture

The 411

This, on nearly every level, was one of the very worst professional wrestling shows these eyes have ever seen; I feel as if I should get hazard pay for this. The gimmick was done wrong, with too many teams that are teams tagging and guys that don’t get along tagging. When nearly all the matches fill these categories, you’re doing it wrong. We know it’s fake and that the draw is not actually random, but at least try and pretend that it is and make it for a even a little bit feel real. The matches were average and below the entire night. And not only that, as the night went on, it was constantly variations on a theme. Almost every match broke down into all four guys in, the guys that disliked each other constantly argued or stole wins; it was like someone found a book by numbers booklet and said, “good enough” and ran with it. The crowds did not care about these matches. The US crowd was on their hands, and even the UK crowd barely could muster noise during these things. The show felt lifeless and as if it lasted twice as long as it actually was. Hell the fans acted as if they were forced to be there, but sat silently in defiance. They couldn’t even fill the show again, placing in must needed filler to get to 10:50PM ET.

The commentary team was once again beyond horrible, talking about the Twitter and body hair and waxing and anything else but the matches. God forbid anyone actually try and put over these performers who are largely getting shit to work with and are then getting shit on in the booth. Josh Mathews and The Pope are absolutely horrible at their jobs, even joking that “this is what we do on One Night Only” in regards to their half assed and horrible work. You actually make me want to find a Spanish commentary feed for the next time I watch one of these, but they that would not allow me to warn the wrestling world about how bad you are. I think that he worst part about it is that not only was Josh an announcer with WWE (where I thought he was very good at times) but he and the Pope are FOMER WRESTLERS and should know how vital commentary is for the guys working in the ring. If you don’t have a specific story to tell, at least try to get the match and the competitors over. They are an embarrassment to their profession.

And then, then as if the commentary and poor producing of the show wasn’t bad enough, there was Tyrus and Jade vs. Lashley and Gail Kim. We got to watch a whole match from a previous show because Kong wrestled and TNA wants to be cool and progressive and get nice things said about them like Lucha Underground because the Knockouts are respected as wrestlers, they bring it all the time and they can compete with the men. You have the most celebrated woman in the Knockouts history, Gail Kim involved, and the best booking that you can do is o have Lashley and Tyrus stand over them, hands on each others shoulders and commenting on their asses as they roll around on the mat. Josh and Pope are making jokes and giggling like Joey and Chandler that one time on Friends when they had the free porn and refused to turn it off. Yes, this was a great representation as to how you respect your knockouts. I can’t wait until Tuesday where I get to read all of the talking heads at TNA talk about how their women bring it each and every week and try to mock the Divas Revolution and put themselves over while they produced an archaic segment from the attitude era. I’m just shocked that Lashley and Tyrus didn’t have lotion out for the visual spank bank jokes.

When I was done with this show I felt bad for watching it, for paying $15 for it. I hated this show felt as if a part of me died inside while watching it. Fuck this show.