The SmarK RAW Rant – June 10 2002

The SmarK RAW Rant – June 10, 2002

“The world is collapsing, around our ears,
I turned up the radio, but I can’t hear it…”
– REM, Radio Song.

– Get out, Steve. Get out while you can and stay out. Put your millions of dollars into a nice long-term investment plan, buy a house somewhere comfortable, and get out now while you’re still able to walk on your own two feet and still in control of your own career. Be unprofessional, be selfish, bite the hand that feeds you, let down the fans. I don’t care. I’m one of your biggest fans and you won’t let me down at all, because I can what’s coming if you stay, and it’s gonna be “Vince McMahon makes Steve Austin into the biggest martyr since Bret Hart”, and I don’t want to see that. I’ve already had one hero destroyed by a failing company, I don’t need another one. I don’t want another Dynamite Kid, a guy hanging on so long past his physical prime that he’s in a wheelchair and forgotten. I have tapes, I have memories. Find what makes you happy and do it, because obviously this company is no longer that thing, and I’d rather live without Austin than live with an unmotivated Austin. It was a good run, a great run, the best run…but it’s over, and I don’t want to be watching a humilated Rattlesnake in the midcard, fighting hasbeens and neverweres and waiting for the writers to come up with something good again. Because they won’t. And I can’t help but feel if you come back, we’ll all just be disappointed all over again. Or worse, we’ll be talking about where we were the day that Steve Austin got screwed.

– Live from Atlanta, GA

– Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

– Ric Flair is up first, and he’s here to take his punishment like a man. However, Austin dind’t show up (as we all know now). Vince does, however, and he feels that Flair has taken RAW into the toilet. And he sucks. Funny how he says that now that RAW is beating Smackdown again. So Vince (after burying Austin by noting how he has no balls) offers a deal: Vince v. Flair tonight with 100% ownership of the company on the line. Which of course completely defeats the entire purpose of the split, which of course has never really had a storyline purpose to begin with, but at this point we’re picking pebbles out of our shoe while a 16-ton boulder is hurtling down from the sky like in a Roadrunner cartoon, so who’s counting?

– Earlier today, the nWo read the paper while Shawn has “private time”. Booker has issues with Shawn’s music, even singing his own version. It’s funny because Booker is like the hippest thing about nWo v.345, and Nash doesn’t even seem to realize it.

– Spike Dudley, Tommy Dreamer & Shawn Stasiak v. Big Show, X-Pac & Booker T. Spike gets some token offense on X-Pac, but walks into a powerbomb. Broncobuster, but Spike comes back with a headscissors. Stasiak comes in, and just like tagging in Jose Luis Rivera against Demolition, you know it’s time for the squash to begin. Show kills him dead, and gets a suplex as we cut back to Nash & Shawn sharing some “private time” in the dressing room. Dreamer and his bucket go with Booker, and he tosses it him, but it’s CONFETTI. Ho ho, Rip Taylor humor, next week he can go on Super Dave Osbourne and maybe come into the 80s. nWo tosses the jobbers and Booker finishes Dreamer at 2:49 with the Foregone Conclusion Sidekick. Like you have to ask. DUD

– After the match, Booker does his spinaroonie and X-Pac acts all supportive, but the ambush I’m awaiting doesn’t come.

– Meanwhile, Gold-emite wants Booker to quit that group of rat-soup eating motherfuckers, yo. Booker protests that he’s over like rover, but Goldust suspects Shawn of being a racist. Oh lord.

– Meanwhile, Molly is disgusted with Terri. Trish says that maybe it’s just because Molly has a big ass. No, it’s because Terri is disgusting. So we get two minutes of ass jokes leading to a match between Trish and Molly. Why would you bury your own talent like this? I mean, it’s hard enough to get people to take the women seriously as is without going out of your way to point out their flaws? How fucked up is wrestling when someone like Molly, who looks like a normal person should look and not an overly-tanned, heavily made-up Barbie doll or an anorexic freakshow, gets singled out for “having a big ass”. What good does this stuff do anyone?

– Meanwhile, Benoit & Guerrero think Flair is making a big mistake tonight.

– European title: William Regal v. Bradshaw. Well, on the upside Bradshaw has finally switched back to his New Blackjacks look. Bradshaw grabs a headlock, but gets taken down. He keeps hammering, though, and drops an elbow for two. Regal knees him down for two. Jumping knee and forearms in the corner follow. Bradshaw fires back, but eats foot. Neckbreaker gets two. Corbra clutch, but Bradshaw escapes. Blockbuster slam and corner clothesline set up a DDT for two. Big boot, but Chris Harvard sneaks out of the audience (and they wonder why fans try to run in and interfere and security has no clue what to do) and tosses Regal the brass knuckles for the pin at 3:41. Lame finish, dead match. Ѕ*

– Trish Stratus v. Molly Holly. This was hyped by Trish as a title match, but it has now become a non-title match with Molly having to wrestle in a thong if she loses, and a vaguely defined title shot sometime in the future if she wins. Molly pounds away, but gets dropkicked. She comes back and sends her facefirst to the mat a few times, though, and a handspring gets two. Trish gets a neckbreaker and comes back, but the bulldog is blocked with a suplex. Molly goes up and finishes with the Molly-Go-Round at 2:27. Another dead match in a series tonight. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Arn confronts Vince. He thinks Vince is crazy, but Vince shoves him so he backs off. I love the strategy here – make Arn into a total pussy week after week, and THEN put him with Benoit. I don’t even know if Flair & Arn have been turned face at this pont. I don’t think they know, either.

– KOTR Qualifier: Rob Van Dam v. Eddy Guerrero. Stalemate to start and Rob armdrags away. They rock the mat for a bit, and Eddy grabs an ankle. STF, but Rob makes the ropes. Wristlock sequence allows Rob to kick away. Eddy pounds him, but walks into a monkey-flip. Signal cuts out for a bit and they’re outside on the floor. Rob slams him on the mats and gives him a frog-splash off the apron, a move which will kill his knees in 10 years. Back in, floatover suplex gets two. Very nice. Rob meets elbow, however, and Eddy goes to work. Beatdown in the corner, and a clothesline gets two. Eddy with the cross-armlock (on WWF TV no less!), complete with hair-pulling to keep RVD down. Rob makes the ropes. Eddy stomps him down again, working the shoulder. Backdrop suplex gets two. Rob comes back wth a powerslam and goes up, but gets crotched. Eddy gets a superplex, and both are down. Eddy goes for a headscissors, reversed to a fireman’s carry, and this is the brilliant part: They reprise the spot now where Rob transitions into a split-legged moonsault for two, then Rob monkey-flips him into position for another moonsault, just like the PPV match, but this time Eddy knows it’s coming, moves, and kicks him in the face for two. THAT’S psychology. One sequence at one show leads to the face adjusting at the next show, when leads to the heel re-adjusting at the next show. Eddy tries a rana, but Rob reverses to a rollup for the weak pin at 9:43. Looked botched. **1/2

– Undertaker joins us. He wants respect. So what else is new? HHH felt his wrath, there’s blood in the water and he’s Charlie the Tuna or something. Onto Jeff Hardy, who shall die. However, the alternative is taking some bitchslaps like a man and apologizing. Matt instead answers, ladder in hand. Jeff sneaks up from behind, but still gets killed. Matt attacks as well, both get killed, but come back to hit a double-team on him. Well, that’s all the offense they’ll be getting in this feud.

– Meanwhile, Regal & Chris Harvard emerge from the locker room area way later than should be normal, only to see Jeff run in front of the camera, cut an unintelligible promo, and steal a truck. REDNECK ON PCP!

– KOTR Qualifier: Brock Lesnar v. Bubba Dudley. Brock attacks and whips Bubba around. Bubba splashes back and gets the tables, but Paul gives him a cheapshot, exclaims “OH SHIT!” and then dives behind JR like a coward. Cute. Brock suplexes Bubba on the floor, however, and stomps away back in the ring. Bearhug follows, and another Brockplex gets two. Brock hits the post, however, and Bubba gets his german suplex for the double KO. Bubba comes back with a flapjack, Flip Flop & Fly, and another german suplex gets two. Senton bomb gets two, the chase for Heyman commences, and Brock catches him with the Brockbuster (hey, you got a better name?) for the pin at 4:47. Just a match between a couple of guys. *1/2

– Meanwhile, Paul offers Brock’s services to Vince. Perhaps they can compare man-boobs.

– Shawn comes out for the Expository Interview of the Week. He harkens back to yesteryear (or was that yore?), when garbagemen were fake and HBK was real. Unfortunately, his injuries weren’t. Thank you! I’m here all week. But he got stiffed by the fans in 1998, when a mere crippling back injury apparently gave them the idea that he was done in the sport. But he doesn’t blame Austin. The fans killed HBK (what about the 4 times that the WWF brought him back and he got sent home each time? Was that the fans too?), but his good buddy Nash stood by him (and then he adds a verbal shout-out to Clique-buddy HHH, noting that Rock is “hogging the spotlight” from him – aren’t these politics fun?), so we get Nash and the nWo out here now. They’re still not booing Shawn. They do the big group hug thing, but Shawn thinks there’s something missing, and after some pot jokes about X-Pac, he suddenly superkicks Booker T into a face turn, which leaves me wondering what the point of him joining was anyway. So this, for those keeping track, is yet another combination of nWo members to add to the list. A beatdown follows, but Goldust does not make the save. It should be noted that the active nWo roster now consists of Big Show, X-Pac, and two non-wrestlers. What a lineup.

– Ownership match: Mr McMahon v. Ric Flair. Had this stip been hyped and built up, you could have saved it for the PPV, easily. Flair attacks on the outside and chops away. They brawl and Vince ends up in the crowd. Slam on the floor, and back in we go. Vince goes to the eyes and slams him, then grabs the bell. Flair takes that and blades outside the ring. Very subtle there. Flair eats post, but chops back. Back in, Vince hammers away, giving us a Flair Flop. That gets two. Flair chops back, but Vince hits what looked like they were intended to be something not entirely unlike two clotheslines for two. Vince goes low for two. He grabs a chair, but Flair blocks it and chairs him on Vince’s manly, non-chemically enhanced back. To the knee, and more chops. Arn joins us for a pointless role as Flair gets the figure-four after two low blows. I still think that Vince getting hit in the nuts, hard, several times, is the solution to ratings woes. I’d watch. But alas, it’s no holds barred, so Brock comes in, hits the Brockbuster on Flair, and Vince regains control at 9:02. Just what we needed, more Vince. This was like watching two seniors fight over the last pudding cup at the old folks’ home. -*

The Bottom Line: Austin walks out, Vince puts himself back on both shows, The Clique is 4/5 reunited and already making little references to themselves that no one gets…it’s bad signs all around.

Plus this show basically sucked, with a dead crowd and a show that was supposedly hastily rewritten to compensate for Austin. I’d hate to say what it was like BEFORE, then. It’s a mess. A huge mess and they just have no direction or idea where any of this is going, and that’s what frustrating to watch.

Until next week, DTA, jackass.